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Mother in law !!!

(36 Posts)
lilcreed Mon 12-Aug-19 23:26:52

Boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We will be moving to our first new home in 2 months.

Every single argument we have had over the years has been about his mum. In my opinion, she likes to be in control all the time. He is an only child.

For reasons I won’t go into now, my boyfriends father is not on the scene at the moment and may not be for some time or infact never (has a court case hanging over his head).

My boyfriends Mum is ill (she has been on many occasions and never likes to be alone). She has said that she will move to her sisters house on days that my boyfriend sees me, and then when he is at home she will sleep at home. She has high blood pressure and is off of work but has managed to go on holiday for the weekend! hmm

I feel that she puts pressure on him all the time and it’s not good for our relationship. The other day, when his mum was away, we were at our new home doing some work before we move in. He made no plans with me for the evening, He picked up his phone and went outside. He then came back inside and asked if I would like to come to his for dinner. - after he had called to check whether his mum would be home or not!

I am sick of feeling like this and it feels like he is dating another woman half the time. We argue and he tells me off for not trusting him when we move to the new house. I don’t want to be alone there because he is at his mums all the time because she doesn’t like to be alone. I fear about the future I have just committed myself to and I’m scared.

I have said to him tonight that we should just stay at our own houses until we move in together as I don’t want to feel like this anymore - I don’t want to feel like a filler for when his mum is not around and I also don’t want to feel like I’m kicking his mum out of her house whenever he sees me. It’s probably easier to just let her win.

I’m feeling so down. This is ruining our relationship. She is so suffocating and he just can’t see it. She keeps making him feel guilty by telling him that she has a life threatening condition.

TowelNumber42 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:47:53

What is stopping you from taking action? Fear? Wishful thinking? Denial? Exhaustion?

MsPavlichenko Wed 14-Aug-19 16:16:23

Sadly no matter how often you post the situation remains the same. Either your DP needs to agree to go NC and you get on with your lives away from his family or you need to leave him and get on with your own.

As he won't do the first option you have no choice other than to go.

MrsGrindah Wed 14-Aug-19 16:09:32

You’ve posted about your circumstances before OP and people advised you to get out?

TowelNumber42 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:08:16

Put the house on the market. Get out as fast as you can.

Your career is fucked if anyone discovers you are knowingly tying yourself to paedophile apologists.

AllyBamma Wed 14-Aug-19 16:03:59

I just wanted to say that it’s NEVER too late to leave. A house is just a house, not a reason to stay in a relationship with some really massive red flags. You can always sell the house. Think long and hard before tying yourself to this man.

Holidaysmoliday Tue 13-Aug-19 16:10:28

Ok the staying with a sex offender is a massive issue and I’d have huge concerns about that but that’s not what you the posting about

Your OP says she is ill, doesn’t like to be on her own BUT your Dp does currently live with her. So when he’s at home she is happy enough to be there but when he’s at yours she stays with her sister.

When he wants to invite you to stay at his he checks she will be out first.

What’s wrong with all that?
She isn’t demanding he stay home with her and not see you.

She’s unwell and having some anxiety issues so finds his presence supportive- is that so bad?
If he isn’t there she seeks that support elsewhere.

No idea why all the posters have left on this and demonised her.

But as I say the fact she is supporting her DH is a massive massive issue. I hope you have clarified with your DP that he wouldn’t do the same.

Belfield Tue 13-Aug-19 16:03:08

You will have to leave OP. My DH has a similarish relationship with his DM but she lives abroad so I only see her once a year. If she lived close by, the relationship would be over. His brother lives with her and she has chased any woman who comes close. It is not worth the hassel. You are only young. Move on.

buttertoasty Tue 13-Aug-19 16:01:19

She will always come no.1 you say you feel like he has another woman but YOU are the mistress/OW, stealing away from his time with his mother. She has made it this way by treating him as a surrogate husband, relying on him for emotional support probably from a young age.

She is the most important woman in his life and always will be unless he sees it for what it is and gets therapy.

I suggest you read up on mother enmeshed men.

This will not get any better once you are moved in together, if anything it will get worse as she will truly think she is losing him and panic, the "health" issues will become worse. She will become more hysterical.

I think you should end the relationship and offer he buy you out of the house or you sell it. Unless he is willing to see his relationship with his mother for what it is and seek counselling.

EKGEMS Tue 13-Aug-19 14:53:00

Hypertension is no way a debilitating condition-controlled with medication,diet and exercise-yes stress will cause it to rise but not in a manipulative and controlling way as she is behaving.
You need to do whatever you can to get out of that home purchase for YOUR emotional and physical health before you have hypertension

pog100 Tue 13-Aug-19 14:45:29

You've got several threads about this family and your relationship. I'm afraid to say that at your age and stage of like it is 100% clear that you need to extract yourself now! You are not going to have a happy life with him. It is not going to happen and nothing we can say is going to change that.

SandAndSea Tue 13-Aug-19 14:26:43

Haven't you posted about this before?

WishingILivedOnAnIsland Tue 13-Aug-19 14:14:30

Do not have children with this man. He will always prioritise and blindly defend his mother, who will prioritise and blindly defend her pedophile husband. If you split how will you protect your children from them?

Do not have children. Sell the house. You are so young, start again.

Hidingtonothing Tue 13-Aug-19 13:50:28

I would struggle to stay with someone who didn't immediately turn their back on a family member who supports a paedophile tbh OP. Putting myself in your DP's shoes my DM would not be the person I thought she was if she stood by a partner who had committed this kind of crime and I couldn't continue to have a relationship with her.

This has serious implications for your future even without DP's codependency with his DM, how will you protect any DC you may have? Add in the fact that you will always play second fiddle to his DM and I would be selling or renting out that house and getting myself right away from this family. I'm sorry OP, I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear but it's how I would feel.

WhoKnewBeefStew Tue 13-Aug-19 13:41:29

No, no and no! Leave now whilst you can, it'll only get harder when you move in

Chamomileteaplease Tue 13-Aug-19 13:39:18

Have you actually bought this house yet? If not, pull out and run! This all sounds like a car crash waiting to happen. This man does not come alone, he comes as one hell of a nasty package.

Herocomplex Tue 13-Aug-19 13:33:25

Has your DP spoken to you about what it was like at home for him? Was the step-father the male adult in the house when he was growing up?
I think i would be sitting down and having a long talk about boundaries and your expectations. You can make some choices now that might be much harder in the future.
What if the court case doesn’t end in him going to prison? What then?

whitebowls Tue 13-Aug-19 13:29:05

Honestly, run
This is never going to end well

prawnsword Tue 13-Aug-19 13:26:02

So what’s your plan to minimise contact between your future kids & their pedo step father ?

Summerunderway Tue 13-Aug-19 13:25:06

She supports a sex offender? Cripes run op!

lilcreed Tue 13-Aug-19 13:24:20

Sadly child online offences. I don’t want anything to do with him personally. I am also a teacher

Brandnewshit Tue 13-Aug-19 13:21:43

Are these child sexual offences.
I'd be very wary.
Even if they are offences against adults, he will probably end up on the register.
Is this someone you want around you or any children you may have.
I wouldn't

GiveMeHope103 Tue 13-Aug-19 12:51:01

Op I agree with everyone else. Think long and hard about your future with him. He is an only child as well so the relationship and dependency between the two of them is stronger and your problems will only get worse.

SummerInTheVillage Tue 13-Aug-19 12:44:10

I would seriously reconsider your future with this man, OP.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland Tue 13-Aug-19 12:39:15

Oh my god. Run a mile OP.

I realise it's easier said than done with the house, but it will only get harder to extract yourself.

lilcreed Tue 13-Aug-19 12:34:02

We are both 23 and his mum is 50 something

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