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Mother in law !!!(36 Posts)
Boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We will be moving to our first new home in 2 months.
Every single argument we have had over the years has been about his mum. In my opinion, she likes to be in control all the time. He is an only child.
For reasons I won’t go into now, my boyfriends father is not on the scene at the moment and may not be for some time or infact never (has a court case hanging over his head).
My boyfriends Mum is ill (she has been on many occasions and never likes to be alone). She has said that she will move to her sisters house on days that my boyfriend sees me, and then when he is at home she will sleep at home. She has high blood pressure and is off of work but has managed to go on holiday for the weekend!
I feel that she puts pressure on him all the time and it’s not good for our relationship. The other day, when his mum was away, we were at our new home doing some work before we move in. He made no plans with me for the evening, He picked up his phone and went outside. He then came back inside and asked if I would like to come to his for dinner. - after he had called to check whether his mum would be home or not!
I am sick of feeling like this and it feels like he is dating another woman half the time. We argue and he tells me off for not trusting him when we move to the new house. I don’t want to be alone there because he is at his mums all the time because she doesn’t like to be alone. I fear about the future I have just committed myself to and I’m scared.
I have said to him tonight that we should just stay at our own houses until we move in together as I don’t want to feel like this anymore - I don’t want to feel like a filler for when his mum is not around and I also don’t want to feel like I’m kicking his mum out of her house whenever he sees me. It’s probably easier to just let her win.
I’m feeling so down. This is ruining our relationship. She is so suffocating and he just can’t see it. She keeps making him feel guilty by telling him that she has a life threatening condition.
From my own experience I would say think very, very hard about whether you really want this to be your life
I agree with ItsInTheSpoon.
His mum is always going to be around and unless he is happy to enforce healthy, happy boundaries, your situation is always going to be very difficult. Please don't underestimate how unhappy this situation could make you and how much of your life could be contaminated by it.
Unless you are certain that you are his priority you don't live together! You relationship is already a threesome!
Don't do it op.
Misery lies ahead.
It’s too late for that- we already bought the house. I keep thinking of it as a project- but it shouldn’t be this way!
Best get an extra pillow because she thinks she is his dw and you are the ow!!
Do not move in with him. This will only get worse. You can rent out the house, don’t uproot your life & move in with him unless you want to be tied to this woman. She will suck the life out of you & your boyfriend will never step up to her. The ones who constantly act like they are on their deathbed usually outlive everyone.
Is this a long-term illness/something that flares up lots, or is it something new she's adjusting to? Or does she always seem to be 'ill' in some vague way? It doesn't sound great, but if this is a new condition then both of them might still be adjusting to it.
This is a new condition. She has been ill with things since she fell off her bike last year. She doesn’t have continuous illnesses, but she never likes to be alone.
Her husband is being investigated for sex offences and she is sticking by him yet he can’t be around at the moment in his home, meaning she is alone. She has never liked to be alone. Depending on whether the husband goes to prison she will be alone.
I personally find them to be a very strange family, but I didn’t choose him for them. I love him but what has been going on is putting a massive stain on our relationship. Especially if the dad is found guilty of these offences, as I then want nothing to do with him. I actually selfishly hate them all right now, their relationship is impacting on ours when this should be the happiest time of our life.
Oh my god. Run a mile OP.
I realise it's easier said than done with the house, but it will only get harder to extract yourself.
I would seriously reconsider your future with this man, OP.
Op I agree with everyone else. Think long and hard about your future with him. He is an only child as well so the relationship and dependency between the two of them is stronger and your problems will only get worse.
Are these child sexual offences.
I'd be very wary.
Even if they are offences against adults, he will probably end up on the register.
Is this someone you want around you or any children you may have.
Sadly child online offences. I don’t want anything to do with him personally. I am also a teacher
She supports a sex offender? Cripes run op!
So what’s your plan to minimise contact between your future kids & their pedo step father ?
Has your DP spoken to you about what it was like at home for him? Was the step-father the male adult in the house when he was growing up?
I think i would be sitting down and having a long talk about boundaries and your expectations. You can make some choices now that might be much harder in the future.
What if the court case doesn’t end in him going to prison? What then?
Have you actually bought this house yet? If not, pull out and run! This all sounds like a car crash waiting to happen. This man does not come alone, he comes as one hell of a nasty package.
No, no and no! Leave now whilst you can, it'll only get harder when you move in
I would struggle to stay with someone who didn't immediately turn their back on a family member who supports a paedophile tbh OP. Putting myself in your DP's shoes my DM would not be the person I thought she was if she stood by a partner who had committed this kind of crime and I couldn't continue to have a relationship with her.
This has serious implications for your future even without DP's codependency with his DM, how will you protect any DC you may have? Add in the fact that you will always play second fiddle to his DM and I would be selling or renting out that house and getting myself right away from this family. I'm sorry OP, I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear but it's how I would feel.
Do not have children with this man. He will always prioritise and blindly defend his mother, who will prioritise and blindly defend her pedophile husband. If you split how will you protect your children from them?
Do not have children. Sell the house. You are so young, start again.
You've got several threads about this family and your relationship. I'm afraid to say that at your age and stage of like it is 100% clear that you need to extract yourself now! You are not going to have a happy life with him. It is not going to happen and nothing we can say is going to change that.
Hypertension is no way a debilitating condition-controlled with medication,diet and exercise-yes stress will cause it to rise but not in a manipulative and controlling way as she is behaving.
You need to do whatever you can to get out of that home purchase for YOUR emotional and physical health before you have hypertension
She will always come no.1 you say you feel like he has another woman but YOU are the mistress/OW, stealing away from his time with his mother. She has made it this way by treating him as a surrogate husband, relying on him for emotional support probably from a young age.
She is the most important woman in his life and always will be unless he sees it for what it is and gets therapy.
I suggest you read up on mother enmeshed men.
This will not get any better once you are moved in together, if anything it will get worse as she will truly think she is losing him and panic, the "health" issues will become worse. She will become more hysterical.
I think you should end the relationship and offer he buy you out of the house or you sell it. Unless he is willing to see his relationship with his mother for what it is and seek counselling.
You will have to leave OP. My DH has a similarish relationship with his DM but she lives abroad so I only see her once a year. If she lived close by, the relationship would be over. His brother lives with her and she has chased any woman who comes close. It is not worth the hassel. You are only young. Move on.
Ok the staying with a sex offender is a massive issue and I’d have huge concerns about that but that’s not what you the posting about
Your OP says she is ill, doesn’t like to be on her own BUT your Dp does currently live with her. So when he’s at home she is happy enough to be there but when he’s at yours she stays with her sister.
When he wants to invite you to stay at his he checks she will be out first.
What’s wrong with all that?
She isn’t demanding he stay home with her and not see you.
She’s unwell and having some anxiety issues so finds his presence supportive- is that so bad?
If he isn’t there she seeks that support elsewhere.
No idea why all the posters have left on this and demonised her.
But as I say the fact she is supporting her DH is a massive massive issue. I hope you have clarified with your DP that he wouldn’t do the same.
I just wanted to say that it’s NEVER too late to leave. A house is just a house, not a reason to stay in a relationship with some really massive red flags. You can always sell the house. Think long and hard before tying yourself to this man.
Put the house on the market. Get out as fast as you can.
Your career is fucked if anyone discovers you are knowingly tying yourself to paedophile apologists.
You’ve posted about your circumstances before OP and people advised you to get out?
Sadly no matter how often you post the situation remains the same. Either your DP needs to agree to go NC and you get on with your lives away from his family or you need to leave him and get on with your own.
As he won't do the first option you have no choice other than to go.
What is stopping you from taking action? Fear? Wishful thinking? Denial? Exhaustion?
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