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DH gets very angry. Looking for advice.

(144 Posts)
Shouldbestrongerthanthis Mon 12-Aug-19 20:30:17

Regular but NC for this one as I think DH knows my username.

I'm in a bit of a mess, and increasingly upset re DH's anger. We've been together 15 years, married for eight of those.

He's always had angry tendencies, but they've become worse in recent years and I don't know how to cope with it. Now it's got to the point where he's regularly blazing at me in front of the children and I need some practical advice in how to tackle it.

Years ago, when he got in one of his rages, it would upset me. I'd cry and beg his forgiveness. He could hold a grudge for days, and it would be like walking on eggshells til he deigned to be kind again. Now, I'm not so soft. I tend to tell him he needs to calm down, and calmly walk away, but I feel shit inside. I'm also worried about the kids hearing their dad speak to me the way he does. He doesn't swear, much, but he calls me an "absolute idiot", a "moron", "idiotic", "stupid"...all that stuff. Says its my fault for driving him to it.

On holiday a couple of weeks ago, I slmost took the kids and drove home because it was so bad. I remembered that last year's holiday had been the same, and it made me so sad.

I love him. We have so much in common. He's a great dad. But he often treats me appallingly.

Tonight, the rage (full blown shouting, in a shop, in front of the kids, followed by 2 hrs of silent treatment) was brought on because I took us to collect an order from a shop but it wasn't ready. I'd been told it was, but he was furious with me for not double checking. When I told him not to be so angry and it wasn't such a big deal, he shouted that it was all my fault, I was turning it on him, etc etc.

Other recent examples of his full-blown rages include an occasion when we were playing sport together and I asked the time. That caused him to scream that I wasn't taking it seriously, and to end the session.

On holiday, DS (6) had an accident. He was ok, just cuts and bruises. DH screamed at me "this is all on you" - said I hadn't been watching him properly, didn't care for the kids, was a bad mum.

On another occasion recently he didn't speak to me for a full say because I was 10 minutes late home.

There are numerous examples. Every conversation is the same though. He rants, he raves, over minor things, but tells me it's all my fault for driving him to it.
I want things to get better, but I don't know how.

ColdAndSad Mon 12-Aug-19 21:23:10

Leave him. Leave him now, right now, and don't look back.

I've been with my husband for nearly 26 years and throughout that time he's occasionally lost his temper with me, shouted and sworn at me, and then given me the silent treatment until I have apologised to him.

He's recently left me for daring to tell his parents about his anger and his alcoholism. And now he's being horribly unkind, refusing to communicate with me, and keeping me short of money when I know he's got plenty for himself.

I am so frightened about the future. About how I will support myself, now I'm nearly 60 and haven't worked outside the home for over 20 years.

Don't be me. Leave your abusive bully of a husband now, and don't look back.

headlock Mon 12-Aug-19 21:41:36

Sorry for you OP, but this is no way to live. Much as it's so difficult to end a marriage you have been for years, especially when you have children together, the chances are you will feel so much freer and happier if you do.
Maybe if you start thinking about and looking into the logistics of leaving him you will see the good possibilities for your future. Life is too short to put up with this kind of bullying behaviour, everyone deserves a little happiness. flowers

AntonsMumsTeeth Mon 12-Aug-19 21:47:09

Horrible to read your post OP. I'm so sorry for you, what a horrible angry man you are all living with. Please don't minimise his appallingly bad behaviour.

He's got away with treating you like shite for years. It's hard to come round to the realisation that the person you love is actually the bad guy. It's hard to have that spotlight shining on you and being told this is abuse. PP are right. He is abusive. For your children's sake please leave. He won't ever change.

StillSmallVoice Mon 12-Aug-19 21:53:20

This sounds very familiar to me. Have a google of 'complex ptsd'. My DCs are late twenties and hugely damaged by the sort of behaviour you describe. It breaks my heart.

Shouldbestrongerthanthis Mon 12-Aug-19 22:22:08

Thanks, all. Pretty unanimous then ☹
I just feel so very, very sad. I don't think he loves me. Or if he ever did. If he does love me, he wouldn't treat me like this.

I'm in my own house, right now, with someone who has refused to speak to me all night after the most minor of incidents. Its horrible.

I really worry for the DC watching his behaviour, but I worry that if they split, not having their dad around all the time will be even worse for them. He knows the DC witness his anger, but says its my fault and I bring it all on. I know that's not true.

Gorrisandhorace Mon 12-Aug-19 22:26:59

Nope. Leaving him will be so much better for them. So much better.

Miranda15110 Mon 12-Aug-19 22:32:21

What you describe is abuse. You are being abused. Are you scared of him or are you able to tell him to get help or go?

Sarcelle Mon 12-Aug-19 22:35:45

My dad was like this with my mum. As I child it was distressing, stressful, confusing. I would rather they had split up. She died when I was 13 and I was sad that the last years of her short life were utterly miserable ones. Your children will be scarred by this in a myriad of ways. They might learn it's ok to do this to others, that this is love, they might allow it to happen to them. Would you want that?

You are being abused, and by default so are they. You need to leave him but you need to do so carefully due to his aggressive ways.

He really is a shite father, husband and human being. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you were reading your posts without the benefit of emotion, you would also come to the same conclusion.

thanks

Runningonempty84 Mon 12-Aug-19 22:36:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Embracelife Mon 12-Aug-19 22:36:21

It will be so much better not having dad around all the time
You and DC will be able to breathe and relax

He is crap dad
Better they see him only part time

ReanimatedSGB Mon 12-Aug-19 22:37:34

Honestly, your DC will be much happier without this shitty man in the house. They might say that they love their dad, but they will be terrified of him and the 'love' will be their frightened attempts to appease him.
Have you got anyone else to support and look after you - family or friends?

Shouldbestrongerthanthis Mon 12-Aug-19 22:39:15

Argh. Posted under usual username by mistake.

But yes. I don't think he would believe I meant it. I'm not listened to.

Sarcelle Mon 12-Aug-19 22:39:42

You may have had a name change fail on your last post? Get it deleted perhaps?

Alanis41 Mon 12-Aug-19 22:42:20

Op, my ex is an alcoholic and behaved a lot of the way you described. We walked on eggshells a lot and then he would calm down and say 'sorry for being grumpy' when he had gone completely nuts at me, with me terrified of what he would do. We separated and all I can say is he is fine now seeing the kids on a very part time basis. They see his nice side as he doesn't have to deal with them on a full time basis. I don't have to walk on eggshells either. He rages ocassionally when drunk but I know it's at the other end of the phone and not something I ever have to put up with day to day. I lie here in my nice bed typing this, grateful for the peace I now have. Don't live like this for the rest of your life, it will destroy you.

HollowTalk Mon 12-Aug-19 22:49:08

He would absolutely terrify me and I couldn't live with him. God knows how your children felt.

And stop saying he's great. He really isn't.

Mary1935 Mon 12-Aug-19 22:59:14

Hi OP no you should not be “stronger than this”
He’s yet another abusive pig.
Poor you and your children.
He will not change.
I’ve been there.
He will not change.
He’s abusive.
He has no respect for women at all.
Who the fuck does he think he is.
How dare he treat you like that and his children.
No - he is not a good Dad. What messages are your children getting from him, his views on women, his wife, the mother of his children.
I hope you have some real life support. Please please tell someone. I told my GP - I carried a lot of guilt and shame - I realised its not my shame to carry..
women’s aid have local branches - please google this - speak to them in confidence.
How punishing he is and how unhealthy these men are.
You take care.🌺🌺

Wolfiefan Mon 12-Aug-19 23:02:09

No. I was that child. It was worse being subjected to his shitty moods than having his abusive self around all the time.
The relationship your children grow up with becomes their blueprint for a healthy one. Is this what you want for them?
You. And them. Both deserve better.

DCICarolJordan Mon 12-Aug-19 23:07:43

You shouldn’t be worried about the children not being around him all the time. The less time they spend with this twat the better off they will be. His behaviour is ABUSING them. He is not a good dad. He is an abusive father.

billy1966 Mon 12-Aug-19 23:10:53

Your children are living on their nerves, constantly readying themselves for the next blow up.

They will suffer from, anxiety, panicked feelings and MH difficulties for their lives to varying degrees, because of the environment they have grown up in.

He doesn't care about any of ye.

Please get them away from this terrible atmosphere.

They will not miss this stress.

Frizzbeol Mon 12-Aug-19 23:12:06

Yet another abusive prick of a man. They're ten a penny OP and I'm sorry you've been duped into having a family with one. He doesn't respect you but he fucking will if you sling him out. See if that makes him take a good look at his entitled, manchild self. You deserve better. He doesn't deserve a wife and family. These sorts of men deserve to spend their lives alone. Let him try it on for size - see how he likes it.

Gorrisandhorace Mon 12-Aug-19 23:14:41

Yep absolutely @frizzbeol

Ginger1982 Mon 12-Aug-19 23:21:13

He's not a great dad at all!
He doesn't love or respect you.
You and your kids deserve better.

Fleetheart Mon 12-Aug-19 23:21:29

I was in a relationship like this.
It was awful; always my fault. I am out of it now. It’s not perfect but it’s so much better. It makes me realise how unhealthy it was before. Never forget- you don’t make anyone act like this. They choose to.

Giraffey1 Mon 12-Aug-19 23:24:00

No, it will not be worse for your children not to be with their father. They deserve a happy childhood , one where they’re not worrying about dad shouting and being horrible to mum.

Fairylea Mon 12-Aug-19 23:27:08

If you stay with him you are teaching your children that this is okay and that this is what you are worth.

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