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My partner filmed us having sex without my consent, twice!

(101 Posts)
MrsGanjabis Mon 12-Aug-19 18:52:50

Hi,
I really have nowhere else or no one else to go to so I'm hoping I can get some advice from here.

Me and my partner (we've been together 7years & we have a 3yo daughter) was doing the dirty one day whilst daughter was at nursery and I noticed he was filming on his phone but he was doing it from angles that he thought I couldn't see, everytime I tried to look in that direction he would move the phone out of view. Anyway I stopped the "deed" and confronted him, he started apologising alot and saying he didn't know why he did it but he didn't record anything he didn't get anything, I asked to look at his phone to make sure, as he knows how insecure I am about myself anyway and he knows I'm not the kind of person who would want to be filmed or anything but he point blank refused to let me look at his phone.

Anyway...
It gets swept under the carpet and a good 5-6 months go by and today, again we took little one to nursery and didn't have any plans so we decided to cuddle in bed and that turned into fooling around, anyway one thing led to another and again I noticed he was secretly filming me with one hand on his phone and when I tried to look in that direction he slipped the phone away and pulled me closer to him so I couldn't see.
Now this time I didn't say anything because, well I think I was just shocked more than anything because I couldn't believe it when he did it the first time but to do it again after I confronted him just made me feel sick.

He knows I have severe trust issues from past relationships and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to confront him again because he'll probably just deny it because I didn't stop and confront him at the time, also he will absolutely not let me look at his phone to see if he has any photos or videos.

I'm sorry I'm only 24 and I have no friends or family that I can talk to, I feel more alone that ever and any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Pinkbonbon Mon 12-Aug-19 19:01:36

Oh no, gosh that's awful.

I think this is unforgivably vile op. Once would have made my skin crawl but he's still doing it!? So grim.

Not to make you worry more but could he have some sort of porn issues and be uploading the videos somewhere? I'd have a wee hunt for hidden cameras around the place too. Sorry to say these things but its what I'd be thinking in your situation.

I think leaving him might be the best option tbh as you can't talk someone like this into having respect for you. It just isn't there op. He's creepy.

I'd maybe phone women's aid and see what they say, they might be able to give better advice.

LordNibbler Mon 12-Aug-19 19:05:27

He's disgusting, he needs reporting to the police. You may have caught him doing it twice, it doesn't mean he hasn't done it more. What he's done is illegal.

EAIOU Mon 12-Aug-19 19:07:20

You know yourself it isn't right OP.

That's twice that you know of that's hes violated your rights and privacy.

I'd ask for his phone again firmly and go through all possible saving places and make sure there are none of you now. I'd also remind him it is a crime to record and distribute sexual images/videos.

EAIOU Mon 12-Aug-19 19:07:51

If he continues to refuse, I'd remind**

PeoniesarePink Mon 12-Aug-19 19:10:33

More fool you if you give him the chance for a 3rd time.

Report him to the Police so none of his future partners have to endure this horror, and kick his arse into next week. He doesn't love you, he's treating you like an object and I would be very concerned he's sharing these videos........

There are some really sad threads on here today - how women tolerate this behaviour bewilders me.

HollowTalk Mon 12-Aug-19 19:15:51

God, he's awful. I hope you don't stay with him after this.

Please go to your local police station and speak to a police officer about this. God knows what else he's done.

MrsGanjabis Mon 12-Aug-19 19:17:53

Can I first say thank you everyone for taking the time to help me.
Also Idk if it's worth mentioning that when we first got together I was going through some of his stuff one day and I found an old memory card and when I looked what was on it, it was loads of pictures of like naked models and also naked pictures of his ex's and just girls in general that he used to talk too.

My self esteem is at an all time low and its affecting my parenting with our daughter. I just feel depressed all the time and sick with worry.
I've tried to leave the relationship before for another separate issues regarding my self esteem and as soon as I say that I'm leaving he gets all emotional and tells me he's going to kill himself if I leave because he's nothing without me and our daughter. I love him so much, we've been through more than what any normal relationship would go through. It's been really hard and we've both worked really hard to get were we are today with our daughter.
I just don't think I can leave him because I still love him so much but another part of me just feels sick and I just get angry when I see him and whenever he wants to have sex now I'm just going to cringe and not want too😔

peachgreen Mon 12-Aug-19 19:20:31

OP, he is filming you without your consent and probably putting those videos on the internet for other people to watch. Please don't stay with him. Relationships shouldn't be hard and they certainly shouldn't include sexual assault. I feel sick on your behalf.

category12 Mon 12-Aug-19 19:20:59

OK, so your partner is violating your trust and you know from experience that he will barefacedly lie and deny if you confront him.

There's nowhere for you to go with this relationship. He ignores the lack of consent, he lies and gas-lights, he has done this more than once.

Your best course is to dump him. You're young, you can do far far better.

He could be sharing these clandestine sex videos online for all you know You've caught him twice - how many times could he have got away with it previously?

He's also committing a crime. www.standard.co.uk/news/bbc-man-who-secretly-filmed-himself-having-sex-with-lovers-is-jailed-6732316.html

AlwaysCheddar Mon 12-Aug-19 19:22:04

Please leave. He is disgusting. The trust has gone now.

Mileysmiley Mon 12-Aug-19 19:22:50

You do realise he will have posted it on a porn site... sorry OP.

category12 Mon 12-Aug-19 19:23:01

The suicide threats is a classic manipulation technique. Is he emotionally abusive, OP?

You might find talking to Women's Aid useful.

funnylittlefloozie Mon 12-Aug-19 19:23:46

He's not going to kill himself, he's a nasty manipulative arsehole. What he is doing is ABSOLUTELY wrong, and is a criminal offence. In your shoes, i would be speaking to the police tomorrow.

I was going to say, throw his bloody phone out of the window, but then there won't be evidence for the police.

I am really sorry this has happened to you. Your DH has no respect for you whatsoever. Get rid.

Missingstreetlife Mon 12-Aug-19 19:24:01

Don't cringe. Tell him outright, he has violated your privacy and trust.
He need to know this is really serious. Tell him you could go to police. If he has some problem he should get help..

mordecaithomas Mon 12-Aug-19 19:27:42

Get his phone and smash it to pieces. What a dirty bastard.

If you consent then yeah, great. Do what you like. But he is a piece of shit for doing that. Especially as he's previously stored other girls stuff.

MrsGanjabis Mon 12-Aug-19 19:28:25

I'm not too sure about the whole emotional abuse thing. When we first got together I was suicidal and of it wasn't for him and his help I'd be dead.
He has helped me with my self esteem issues and confidence so much, before him I could never think I was remotely attractive, I still don't but I believe he finds me attractive which is something I could never accept before him.

But if I feel really down about myself and I can't get myself out of that funk he will get abit annoyed at me and tell me that's I have nothing to ever get upset about. He says he will post a poll on Facebook asking people of I'm attractive or not just to 'prove' to me that I'm attractive but I tell him I don't want that, any of that I just want his reassurance.
I'm really st a cross roads here😔 I don't want to be the one to destroy our family😭

Babybrainstill Mon 12-Aug-19 19:29:23

Hi can I ask....if he asked you if he could film yourselves,would you of been ok with it....or is it because he has done this without you knowing....(even though you caught him)

AdelaideK Mon 12-Aug-19 19:30:27

Don't be silly. He's the one who's destroyed your family.

Sunflower20 Mon 12-Aug-19 19:30:40

Go to the police and dump him now! He's a disrespectful creep and you need to end all contact with him.

justasking111 Mon 12-Aug-19 19:30:45

Do they get paid for porn site material?

MrsGanjabis Mon 12-Aug-19 19:31:45

I've always told him I'm not into being filmed or anything like that. But we've been together 7 years now and if it had asked me before doing it without my knowing then maybe I could be open to it, because I know we'd be doing it together and it would be something he wants and I want to make him happy.
But yeah it's the fact he didn't ask me, twice!!
I honestly feel so stupid and foolish for letting myself be this dumb!

Shoxfordian Mon 12-Aug-19 19:35:52

Don't feel stupid but don't let it happen again
Dump him

Caaarrrl Mon 12-Aug-19 19:37:12

This is wrong on every level. He has violated your trust. I don't think that I could have sex with him again if this was my DH that did this

category12 Mon 12-Aug-19 19:42:23

Thing is, OP, it's unusual that you're afraid to confront him about what he's done. Do you find yourself spending a lot of time thinking about how he'll react to things?

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