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Fear that my decisions will ruin dc's lives(13 Posts)
Long story short. Abusive marriage ended 2.5 years ago, ex still trying his hardest to control me through dc. Dc have had a tough time but we've enjoyed last couple of years just the 3 of us.
9 months ago I met someone, he's really lovely and would like to take things further with me. He's very briefly met my dc as a "friend" a few times, he's also met my sister, they all like him.
No rush, obviously, but I'm starting to consider him and I becoming more serious, spending more time together both as a couple and also with my dc. I think he would be a lovely example of a male figure for my dc, something which is sorely lacking (their dad, my dad, my stepdad all shit examples of men).
But I feel crippling fear of making the wrong decision and it impacting my dc. It's not like when I was younger and jumped in and out of relationships with no consequence. If he starts seeing my dc more, or even eventually living with us, how do I ensure it goes smoothly and what happens if it doesn't?
I'm possibly overthinking it as I have an awful relationship with my own stepdad and consequently my mum.
Oh sorry, forgot that the bit about the abusive ex is relevant because I'm also worried that by moving things forward with this new guy I'll poke the bear so to speak and my ex will either disappear altogether or somehow sabotage my relationship!
The fact that you're even thinking about all this shows that you are not rushing into it.
You DC has already met your OH as a friend and they get on well.
I would go for it, what's the other option? Stay alone forever in fear? I'm sure your DC wouldn't want that either!
There is no rush. 9 months is still early days. Does he have kids and are you thinking of possibly expanding your family?
He doesn't have dc, would like them but we haven't discussed us having dc because I've so far felt I couldn't have dealt with more than my own 2!
If he turned out to be a good partner then I'd consider having one more, I'm young enough and enjoy parenting.
The trouble is that I feel it's such a risk to take to even get to that point, especially given my track record of choosing crappy partners!
Well, I think that you can start increasing the time he spent with your kids but not live together and seeing how it goes.
I certainly don't want to stay alone forever in fear! I just want to know for sure that I'm making the right decision for us all and that seems impossible to know.
The oky thing that is sure is that you can never know for sure.
Think seriously if there are any 'red flags' at all. If there are definitely none after 9 months then I can see no issue with slowly and cautiously moving forward.
If your ex disappears - how would that impact you? would it be all negative.
So long as your current partner knows about your ex and there are no red flags with him about your ex then why should ex be able to sabotage your relationship.
Talk to your new partner, explain what you have said here and take it from there.
You don't have to live with him EVER if you don't want to. You planning on having more kids?
I have searched and searched for red flags, possibly even seeing ones that weren't there at the start, but 9 months in I feel reasonably sure that he's a good egg.
Although part of my fear is that he is on best behaviour at the moment and things may start later down the line - I keep reading that once an abuser feels you are trapped (living together/pregnant etc) that's when they show their true colours...
Willing to hear any advice or be told it's too early to think about this...
After I split with my kids father I was seeing a guy who ended up being emotionally abusive. Luckily I hadn't introduced him to my kids. At the moment i'm not ready to date again, and I can see why some women feel that it's safer for them not to date in case it impacts on the kids.
On the other hand though I think in the future it would be great for my kids to see me in love, to see me happy with a man, sharing experiences with a man and to have a male role model in the home so it would be a risk I think I would take if I felt like I met the right one.
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