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Husband on holiday in Thailand, took wedding band off...

(118 Posts)
02shanso Mon 12-Aug-19 12:10:48

Hiya! I don't really have anyone to talk to about this (they are all too close, know too much already and it's just too upsetting for me) we have a lot of trust issues in our marriage as it is, some say he's cheated on me, some say not. I have no idea (trying to do the right thing & support and stay for our 2 year old)

He is recovering from pornography addiction (12 step programme), he's been chatting to other women at length about private things & our marriage. Using dating apps...all while married to me.

Anyway...he's in Thailand (I'm at home with 2 year old) with his cousins but he's ventured off alone for the sights and boat trips. He sent me photos and he's not got his wedding band on. But the ring on his other hand is still in place on other photos at the same location.

Should I be worried and am I being unreasonable asking him to take STI tests on his return?

I hope that makes sense, sorry! Thanks xx

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit Tue 13-Aug-19 15:10:01

I'm not from either country, was just bemused that you singled them out.

On another note: Is your name Prawn Sword or Prans Word? I need to know grin

prawnsword Tue 13-Aug-19 15:13:28

Haha it is prawn sword It is like slang for a micropenis

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit Tue 13-Aug-19 15:13:39

@02shanso Sorry for the derail.

I would suggest you look at what this man actually brings to your life? I wouldn't bother with and STI check because I wouldn't be sleeping with him again, but if you are going to carry on having sex with him then yes, definitely get him tested.

Also, why do you think marriage is important? Why do you have to fight for something that is just not working? Is this how you want the rest of your life to be like? Always checking up on him?

Your dc is 2 years old. Better split now than in 5 years time.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit Tue 13-Aug-19 15:14:50

Thanks @prawnsword (only slightly disappointed as I was hoping for a wise prawn with wise words)

02shanso Tue 13-Aug-19 17:17:49

@TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit dont worry, I go off on a tangent all the time! I understand what you are saying, right now i feel like there is only one ending but at the same time, my mum stayed in a rubbish marriage only for it to turn around for the best and now they are so happy (only took 20 years!!) I know that doesn't help me now but i've been raised with this mentality and its so hard to kick against, which is why i'm having a hard time.

This thread has been very eye opening and I love how some are just totally straight up and admit they wont take anymore rubbish, I envy that ability. I cant help think its easier said than done, but i also know how little self esteem i actually have right now!

user1497997754 Tue 13-Aug-19 17:34:52

Ask to see photos......do you know what the cousin looks like

Starlight456 Tue 13-Aug-19 17:46:45

You say he is a good dad . Not entirely sure as many partners of abusives parents describe them as good parents.

I am not sure in this case as you haven’t said enough.

I think though the fact it is easier on your brown says it all. You are done . He can still be a dad without been in a relationship with you.

Who in the right mind travels to Thailand to watch a proposal ? I wouldn’t travel that far and leave my 2 year old and wife who I am assuming you have both suffered through bios addiction

notapizzaeater Tue 13-Aug-19 17:51:57

He can be. A good dad on weekends, he's a shit husband !

feministwithtitsin Tue 13-Aug-19 18:46:10

Oh, OP.

Your last update was so sad. Even if he does a total 180, completely turns it around, would you be happy? Or anxious, resentful and angry at his behaviour? I wouldn't forgive everything he has done to you, even if I tried.

He doesn't even seem to be trying to make a good marriage, even if you give it all you can, it won't be enough, he will take your desire to have a family unit and use it against you to have the comforts of a family home and wife, whilst living the life of a single man.

31RueCambon Tue 13-Aug-19 19:03:05

There are ways to raise your self-esteem.
People say ''work on your self-esteem'' without indicating how you would do that.

I'm going to suggest a few things which worked for me.
I read endless articles about relationships and watched endless clips about relationships on youtube.

I read the six pillars of self esteem by nathaniel branden (sp?)

Be aware of your comfort zone and deliberately step outside of it everyday in some small way

Work towards a goal. Diary your steps towards that goal.

Self-efficacy. Make choices. Make decisions. Basically, if you're vacillating and oscillating between two decisions, make a decision and let the outcome unfold and deal with that then. Making the decision and knowing you made the decision makes you feel in control of your own life, and therefore empowered to control the rest of your life.

Think of somebody you know who definitely WOULDN'T still be with your husband if she knew about the porn and the prowling (ringless). Before you agree to anything, asking yourself ''would Kate Middleton put up with this?''

Boundaries. Google boundaries and saying no. Loads to watch on youtube. I realised what a dreadful people pleaser I'd been in the past. Agreeing to everything everybody else wanted, afraid to say no or afraid to make an alternative suggestion.

Read ''Nice Girl Syndrome'' and see if it strikes a chord.

/what did you love doing when you were between 8 and 14? Find time to do that and don't feel bad about the time spent doing it. Whether it's sewing or writing or making candles or keeping bees or pressing flowers, whatever, do it unapologetically and enjoy it.

If I think of anything else I'll post it.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut Tue 13-Aug-19 19:04:50

@31RueCambon

MNHQ need to make your post a pinned post as it’s full of vital advice. It’s spot on.

Southfox Tue 13-Aug-19 20:08:38

Why would you stay with someone who has a porn 'addiction'?

31RueCambon Tue 13-Aug-19 21:00:26

Thanks @PaulHollywoodsSexGut, I used to read posts on here about a decade ago telling me to work on my self-esteem and I just didn't know how!

Some say volunteering, and I did do a bit of volunteering but at that point I think it compounded feelings I had of being ''unemployable'', ie, I could only find work if I offered myself up for FREE, so at that point, I don't think it did anything for my self-esteem. It was in a nursing home but I guess it did help in other ways, I felt comparatively young there, when I'd felt like I'd missed a lot of boats when I was around younger people.

@02shanso, let me link to a few ''gurus'' I have listened to/

Stephanie Lynn, lots of practical advice about how to talk to YOURSELF

more STephanie Lynn

setting boundaries, why we sometimes don't set them she talks about people pleasing here!

such a good book, it's on youtube as an audio as well

Good questions to ask yourself in a relationship, answered by Alan Robbarge

are you co-dependent , worth lookin g in to if you're sticking around in a relationship that you know the type of woman you admire wouldn't tolerate

Nice Girl Syndrome

I hope you dont' think I have a terrible view of you now OP! I don't at all. I know it's just so easy to 'slip' in to tolerating things that you never would have wanted in an ideal world, because you have come to believe that you cannot create your ideal world!

What if you can? It's worth looking in to that a bit, right?

02shanso Tue 13-Aug-19 23:41:34

@feministwithtitsin he will take your desire to have a family unit and use it against you to have the comforts of a family home and wife, whilst living the life of a single man you have completely hit the nail on the head, this is EXACTLY how I'm feeling & have been for a while.

@31RueCambon
Thank you so so much for your comments, I will look at everything. I have actually got that book you mentioned on my tablet (nice girl syndrome) I started reading it in a bad place and it made me feel so awful I gave up. I'm still not in the best place but I have been making improvements in myself (or at least trying to) for instance I've started doing nails as this was a passion for me as I qualified over 10 years ago, this is the first time I've done nails in about 8 years and I have NO idea why I didn't do this sooner! I was worried I would be taking to much on with a job & toddler already but it brings me so much joy creating the perfect set of fancy acrylics for people and making them happy, if anything it's highlighted the lack of joy in my own marriage. I'd love more than anything for the man I married to genuinely appreciate me, but then I think it's not really his job, it's up to me to look after myself. I'll look at what you have suggested, again, thank you and to everyone else too xx

feministwithtitsin Wed 14-Aug-19 19:45:28

I'd love more than anything for the man I married to genuinely appreciate me, but then I think it's not really his job

No, it is definitely his job to appreciate you.

I hope you do take the advice of the wise poster @31Rue, and begin to see thst you are worth so much more than this.

CaptainJaneway62 Wed 14-Aug-19 21:01:31

Oh dear OP I wish you could see the potential in yourself, you DO NOT need this awful excuse of a man to show you that.
If I were you I would pack up and leave and go back to Ireland to be with your family.
Don't waste anymore of your emotional and physical energy on this man.
You and your little one deserve so much better.

31RueCambon Thu 15-Aug-19 10:02:30

Hi Op, glad you have that book. If it is a tough read I guess you need it. I remember finding it tough too. I think i cried for my old self and felt sad reviewing some memories with better understanding!

Get back in to doing Nails! You are qualified and there is a demand for this! 👍👑

TreeSunset Thu 15-Aug-19 10:07:39

OP in the nicest possible way, you are not doing the right things as you stated by staying in this marriage. You are doing the wrong thing for you and your DC. Can you move back to your family? You will have a better life single and so will your DC

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