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Outside a police station about to report husband for domestic abuse am I doing the wrong thing

(43 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Siablue Sun 11-Aug-19 11:09:48

I can’t stay. My fear is if I don’t report him he will get unsupervised contact maybe even 50 50. Women’s aid told me not to but I don’t know why.

Siablue Mon 12-Aug-19 13:46:59

Thank you Owlypants.

BrightNewLife Mon 12-Aug-19 19:50:43

OP if you feel unsafe or in danger call the Refuge national helpline - 0808 2000 247 the line can often be [is usually] busy, but if you leave a message, they do call back.

They can then look up refuges in your area where you can go, and put a stop to it all; you'll get emotional and practical support. If you needed to go in the evening, call around 10am in the morning.

I don't know how it works afterwards with access to your child, but you would get support there.

In terms of reporting, I made a statement about my DP to the local police and asked for it to be recorded but not officially acted upon; I didn't even want to give his name, but did in the end, so it is on record somewhere, and I received a police reference number, which made me feel safer that at least his behaviour was being noted somewhere.

If you feel the national women's aid couldn't help you sufficiently, try searching for the number for your local outreach service.

BrightNewLife Mon 12-Aug-19 19:54:43

Sorry, didn't mean t be unhelpful or repeat what others had said: I was trying to say try all and other avenues, including your GP.

Parent999 Mon 12-Aug-19 20:13:50

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Siablue Wed 14-Aug-19 08:02:48

Brightnewlife thank you. You didn’t say anything unhelpful at all.

I am waiting to hear from the police about what they are going to do. I got a call from social services yesterday. So sad that it has come to this. sad He swore at the baby when I was in the shower this morning.

Even when he is being awful to me I still feel sorry for him. I hate the thought of leaving him on his own. He doesn’t have any friends. He wants to be close to people but he pushes them away. I tried so hard to help him but he won’t be helped. I wish it could be different. sad

Breastfeedingworries Wed 14-Aug-19 08:22:59

How are you today? flowers

What is your next move? What have woman’s aid said now?

Your situation must be so difficult. Wish I could give you hug sad have a virtual one hugs you will get through this and you’re 100 percent doing the right thing. Because of your sons age it’s very unlikely a court will agree to 50/50 care. Xxx

Siablue Wed 14-Aug-19 08:46:58

I don’t know what my next move is. I spoke to a lovely lady at the police and she is going to get someone to call me to find out what is happening about my case.

If there is nothing they can do and they won’t be able to prosecute I think it would be best to stay. It is basically inevitable that he will get unsupervised overnight contact, I will be portrayed as an evil mum who wants to keep the baby away from his dad (probably what the deleted comment was).

DS still breastfeeds to sleep and I do all the night wakings. I can’t risk him being separated from me. I might not have a choice now that social Services are involved.

I find it very wrong that there is support to protect me but not my child. I am not sure what the police are going to do. I can’t think clearly at the moment. I am normally an intelligent person.
I just feel like my whole life is up in the air.

Pinkbonbon Wed 14-Aug-19 10:22:52

It would not be best to stay. You cannot spend the next 18 years watching him to make sure he doesn't hurt the child. That isn't possible. He will abuse the child as much as he does you.

The only way to protect him and yourself is to have as little contact with this man as possible.

You don't ruin two lives because leaving is scary. You put on your big girl pants and do it. There are many organisations that can help you but it's you that has to make the moves.

Also, if you stay, it us possible social services may take the child from you both due to the report of domestic violence.

Basically, get your butt in gere, pack a bag and get moving. The sooner you go, the sooner the police can arrest him. Perhaps you can even tell them a day and use that to move while he is out.

No more dillydallying, it might be hardbut you have a responsibility to your child. So get your butt in gear and go! No more excuses.

PazRaz10 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:48:53

Please please listen the people on this thread, so much experience for you to take advice from. I have never been in your position, but so many people on MN have and I have never read of anyone regretting their decision to leave and get themselves and their child away from DV.
@pinkbonbon is right - you have to be strong, you have to make the move. Call a refuge, call WA again and seek the help you need to get out. This abuse must stop, before it escalates further.
You do not have to put up with this, but you do have to be the one that leaves.
Make the move today, make the call.

Siablue Wed 14-Aug-19 11:29:23

I tried to tell them when they could arrest him so I could move out. I don’t think they are going to do that. I don’t know if they have enough evidence.

I the police officer basically wrote in my statement that it is my word against his. I do feel now that I am going to miss my chance to leave.

DishingOutDone Wed 14-Aug-19 11:29:24

I posted earlier in the thread about the National Domestic Violence helpline which is easier to get through to - take control OP, there is no way he'd get overnights etc with such a young baby.

DishingOutDone Wed 14-Aug-19 11:31:34

The NDVH will be able to talk you through what the police have said - sadly sometimes you don't get the best support from them, but maybe there's something you can do to optimise what the police can do to help you.

Pinkbonbon Wed 14-Aug-19 11:55:05

Is there another time when he will definitely be out for a few hours? Work or seeing family or something? In which case go then. You might have to leave some stuff behind but what is furniture in comparison to freedom anyway.

DoYouNeedAWee Sat 17-Aug-19 12:58:55

@Siablue sorry just caught up with the thread. How're things?

My ds was 9 months old, I gave a very long statement and some photos of bruises and they arrested my ex that evening, I also gave a video statement the next day.

Social services actually called me while I was still giving a statement telling me if I went home to my ex (I had no plans to do this anyway) my ds might be put on a child protection plan.

My ex was released on bail but in the end there wasn't enough evidence and the case was closed. Social services were still involved due to my ex's past and said he was only allowed supervised contact, I was happy with this and they had no concerns with me so the case was soon closed, 2 and a half years later he's still only having supervised contact.

Maybe you should note down every single incident either to you or your ds by your partner, or report it to someone, so it builds up a picture that he's not safe to have your ds unsupervised.
Work with social services and tell them your concerns about him being unsupervised but you do really need to leave your partner for you both to be safe.

Siablue Sun 18-Aug-19 16:17:26

Thank you. I am at my sisters so away from him. I still haven’t been able to speak to the officer in charge of my case so I don’t know what has happened or if I can come back to the house. I did feel much calmer as I haven’t had anyone shouting at me but today I do feel more panicky.

I think what happened to you was worse than what happened to me as I didn’t have any bruises and I was allowed to go home. It is good to hear that your Ed got supervised contact. How are you doing now?

hellenbackagen Sun 18-Aug-19 16:24:35

hi op
im a police officer - basically most DV related stuff is "one word agaisnt another" so dont let that put you off.

if they have suggested a video interview then it means they are taking you pefectly seriously and it means there has been so much crap for so long it wont all fit in a statement - video is also "evidence in chief" if you are a vulnerable or intimidate witness so can be used as evidence in any court case without you having to stand up and recount it all again.

it doesnt sound like the officer has been very clear in the next steps however.

i would ring back or pop in. there will be an officer allocated to the job but might take a day or two (or longer typically) to contact you.

they will then discuss with you how you want to proceed. you should also get a crime number.

if there is anything i can help with pm me. youve done the right thing.

hellenbackagen Sun 18-Aug-19 16:26:44

im also presuming they did a DASH risk assessment?

at least it is all recorded for now and you can think about the next step.

i dont understand why WA have said dont report - thats a bit worrying,
but police will not put you in danger - DV is a very hot topic and they will do everything to keep you safe.

what plans are in place to leave the relationship?

Siablue Sun 18-Aug-19 16:49:25

Thank you Hellenbackagain. They did say they want me to do a video statement. I know they have allocated someone to my case but they said to call back and my husband came home. I will keep trying.

They did do a risk assessment. I am medium risk apparently.

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