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Outside a police station about to report husband for domestic abuse am I doing the wrong thing

(43 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Siablue Sun 11-Aug-19 11:09:48

I can’t stay. My fear is if I don’t report him he will get unsupervised contact maybe even 50 50. Women’s aid told me not to but I don’t know why.

HeadintheiClouds Sun 11-Aug-19 11:10:38

Didn’t you ask why?

GabriellaMontez Sun 11-Aug-19 11:11:54

Could you ring and check why they advised this?

WhyBirdStop Sun 11-Aug-19 11:12:36

I've worked alongside women's aid and have never heard them tell someone to not report at all. Have they advised you report but ask it not to be actioned until you can be somewhere safe, or just that you don't HAVE to report if you don't want to?

Sunshineinwinter Sun 11-Aug-19 11:14:59

Not to put a doom on you but please be mindfully he will most likely get unsupervised access to the DC in the long run unless he has hurt them directly.
Your reasons for reporting him should not rely on that. You should report him because he has broken the law and I am assuming been violent towards you.
Report, sort housing situation, court about DC.

Good luck x

Siablue Sun 11-Aug-19 11:16:48

I did. They said they would charge him straight away and he would go back to our house.

On my other thread someone said the police could provide an escort for someone trying to leave an abusive relationship. I have plans to go in a few days time with a cover story but I am afraid he may try and stop me.

sausagerollsaremydrug Sun 11-Aug-19 11:17:45

You must report him.
You don't want to spend your life in fear.
Stay strong OP x

Siablue Sun 11-Aug-19 11:32:15

I know he will sadly get some contact. I want to minimise it if possible. He has threatened to take my baby away from me.

Women’s aid legal advisor was meant to contact me days ago and they haven’t.

StaplesCorner Sun 11-Aug-19 11:33:20

OP you need more advice; if you are scared of him you need to leave or ask the police to refer you to go into a refuge today - where are your DC? Is there anyone in RL who can help you? I can understand why WA might have advised you to plan what to do first but did they realise you are in danger?

The National Domestic Violence helpline is easier to get through to, they should be able to work out a step by step plan with you www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

And please ask MNHQ to move this to Relationships by clicking on "report".

StaplesCorner Sun 11-Aug-19 11:37:44

Siablue I see from your previous posts that you have family in Scotland. Go there. Ring them up, tell them you are desperate, get a train ticket and go there. Do you need to wait until he is at work tomorrow to get your stuff and get out? Just take what you need and go - everyone on this thread whether its in Relationships or AIBU will tell you the same.

TheInebriati Sun 11-Aug-19 11:42:44

He can't take your baby away. If he threatens to, it will count against him.

IDK who you spoke to at WA but if you feel strong enough please raise a complaint against them. they shouldn't be giving out 'advice' like that.

Owlypants Sun 11-Aug-19 11:43:10

Absolutely report him and make it very clear that you are scared. Don't hold back, tell them everything! I've been through similar and reporting DV is the first step to freedom. Tell them you need help leaving and they will help you leave.

StaplesCorner Sun 11-Aug-19 11:45:11

Tell them you need help leaving and they will help you leave - rinse and repeat, this is really good advice.

Chickenish Sun 11-Aug-19 11:46:00

Well done. Stay safe.

LilyMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 11-Aug-19 11:47:20

OP, we're just moving this to relationships for you. flowers

DoYouNeedAWee Sun 11-Aug-19 11:50:07

Please do it, I did exactly the same thing and it was the best decision I ever made. I still remember that drive to the police station, about to change my life.

funnylittlefloozie Sun 11-Aug-19 11:57:26

Be brave, you can do this. This is about keeping your baby safe - you CANNOT let that man have him 50% of the time. You owe your baby that. Good luck, sia, we are all behind you.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 Sun 11-Aug-19 12:26:36

Stay safe and strong flowers

catofdoom Sun 11-Aug-19 13:05:39

Thinking of you op. I would seek further advice.

wigglybluelines Sun 11-Aug-19 13:09:06

Please report him, you need it on record. And then leave, run to your family with your baby.

Siablue Mon 12-Aug-19 07:34:48

I did go in. I made a very long statement but the police officer wrote it down much shorter and it sounds like absolute crap. He said it would be better if they recorded a video statement.

They weren’t going to let me go home (probably why Women’s Aid said not to go to the police). I did and they are not going to arrest him until we are away. I’m not sure if I did the right thing. There is basically no chance of conviction. My word against his, unless I can collect more evidence.

I am scared I have put my baby at more risk now. Poor little thing. sad

Owlypants and Doyouneedawee I am pleased it was ok for you. Did you have children with your abusive partner? What happened to them.

MarianaMoatedGrange Mon 12-Aug-19 08:08:53

Just bumping this for you OP.

I hope you're ok. Others will be along with advice.

Siablue Mon 12-Aug-19 08:41:13

Thank you Mariana. I don’t know what to do. All I want is to protect my baby. I might have just made him more vulnerable.

ptumbi Mon 12-Aug-19 09:20:44

I'm sure you did the right thing, OP. At the very least, you have laid a paper trail so you know it's there if you need it in the future.

Have WA advised you on what to do next?

Owlypants Mon 12-Aug-19 11:53:16

@Siablue, my ex got off lightly in my opinion but it all worked out for me, I've sent you a message. Don't worry about it being your word against his, believe it or not there are highly trained DV officers who see the truth. My ex was mr charming, very popular and was known as an all round nice guy who wouldn't harm a fly. They saw through this! Get yourself in contact with a DV charity/advocate to help you make your complaint again. Your gp can also help you with referrals, DV can be incredibly damaging to your mental health

Siablue Mon 12-Aug-19 13:46:59

Thank you Owlypants.

BrightNewLife Mon 12-Aug-19 19:50:43

OP if you feel unsafe or in danger call the Refuge national helpline - 0808 2000 247 the line can often be [is usually] busy, but if you leave a message, they do call back.

They can then look up refuges in your area where you can go, and put a stop to it all; you'll get emotional and practical support. If you needed to go in the evening, call around 10am in the morning.

I don't know how it works afterwards with access to your child, but you would get support there.

In terms of reporting, I made a statement about my DP to the local police and asked for it to be recorded but not officially acted upon; I didn't even want to give his name, but did in the end, so it is on record somewhere, and I received a police reference number, which made me feel safer that at least his behaviour was being noted somewhere.

If you feel the national women's aid couldn't help you sufficiently, try searching for the number for your local outreach service.

BrightNewLife Mon 12-Aug-19 19:54:43

Sorry, didn't mean t be unhelpful or repeat what others had said: I was trying to say try all and other avenues, including your GP.

Parent999 Mon 12-Aug-19 20:13:50

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Siablue Wed 14-Aug-19 08:02:48

Brightnewlife thank you. You didn’t say anything unhelpful at all.

I am waiting to hear from the police about what they are going to do. I got a call from social services yesterday. So sad that it has come to this. sad He swore at the baby when I was in the shower this morning.

Even when he is being awful to me I still feel sorry for him. I hate the thought of leaving him on his own. He doesn’t have any friends. He wants to be close to people but he pushes them away. I tried so hard to help him but he won’t be helped. I wish it could be different. sad

Breastfeedingworries Wed 14-Aug-19 08:22:59

How are you today? flowers

What is your next move? What have woman’s aid said now?

Your situation must be so difficult. Wish I could give you hug sad have a virtual one hugs you will get through this and you’re 100 percent doing the right thing. Because of your sons age it’s very unlikely a court will agree to 50/50 care. Xxx

Siablue Wed 14-Aug-19 08:46:58

I don’t know what my next move is. I spoke to a lovely lady at the police and she is going to get someone to call me to find out what is happening about my case.

If there is nothing they can do and they won’t be able to prosecute I think it would be best to stay. It is basically inevitable that he will get unsupervised overnight contact, I will be portrayed as an evil mum who wants to keep the baby away from his dad (probably what the deleted comment was).

DS still breastfeeds to sleep and I do all the night wakings. I can’t risk him being separated from me. I might not have a choice now that social Services are involved.

I find it very wrong that there is support to protect me but not my child. I am not sure what the police are going to do. I can’t think clearly at the moment. I am normally an intelligent person.
I just feel like my whole life is up in the air.

Pinkbonbon Wed 14-Aug-19 10:22:52

It would not be best to stay. You cannot spend the next 18 years watching him to make sure he doesn't hurt the child. That isn't possible. He will abuse the child as much as he does you.

The only way to protect him and yourself is to have as little contact with this man as possible.

You don't ruin two lives because leaving is scary. You put on your big girl pants and do it. There are many organisations that can help you but it's you that has to make the moves.

Also, if you stay, it us possible social services may take the child from you both due to the report of domestic violence.

Basically, get your butt in gere, pack a bag and get moving. The sooner you go, the sooner the police can arrest him. Perhaps you can even tell them a day and use that to move while he is out.

No more dillydallying, it might be hardbut you have a responsibility to your child. So get your butt in gear and go! No more excuses.

PazRaz10 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:48:53

Please please listen the people on this thread, so much experience for you to take advice from. I have never been in your position, but so many people on MN have and I have never read of anyone regretting their decision to leave and get themselves and their child away from DV.
@pinkbonbon is right - you have to be strong, you have to make the move. Call a refuge, call WA again and seek the help you need to get out. This abuse must stop, before it escalates further.
You do not have to put up with this, but you do have to be the one that leaves.
Make the move today, make the call.

Siablue Wed 14-Aug-19 11:29:23

I tried to tell them when they could arrest him so I could move out. I don’t think they are going to do that. I don’t know if they have enough evidence.

I the police officer basically wrote in my statement that it is my word against his. I do feel now that I am going to miss my chance to leave.

DishingOutDone Wed 14-Aug-19 11:29:24

I posted earlier in the thread about the National Domestic Violence helpline which is easier to get through to - take control OP, there is no way he'd get overnights etc with such a young baby.

DishingOutDone Wed 14-Aug-19 11:31:34

The NDVH will be able to talk you through what the police have said - sadly sometimes you don't get the best support from them, but maybe there's something you can do to optimise what the police can do to help you.

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

Pinkbonbon Wed 14-Aug-19 11:55:05

Is there another time when he will definitely be out for a few hours? Work or seeing family or something? In which case go then. You might have to leave some stuff behind but what is furniture in comparison to freedom anyway.

DoYouNeedAWee Sat 17-Aug-19 12:58:55

@Siablue sorry just caught up with the thread. How're things?

My ds was 9 months old, I gave a very long statement and some photos of bruises and they arrested my ex that evening, I also gave a video statement the next day.

Social services actually called me while I was still giving a statement telling me if I went home to my ex (I had no plans to do this anyway) my ds might be put on a child protection plan.

My ex was released on bail but in the end there wasn't enough evidence and the case was closed. Social services were still involved due to my ex's past and said he was only allowed supervised contact, I was happy with this and they had no concerns with me so the case was soon closed, 2 and a half years later he's still only having supervised contact.

Maybe you should note down every single incident either to you or your ds by your partner, or report it to someone, so it builds up a picture that he's not safe to have your ds unsupervised.
Work with social services and tell them your concerns about him being unsupervised but you do really need to leave your partner for you both to be safe.

Siablue Sun 18-Aug-19 16:17:26

Thank you. I am at my sisters so away from him. I still haven’t been able to speak to the officer in charge of my case so I don’t know what has happened or if I can come back to the house. I did feel much calmer as I haven’t had anyone shouting at me but today I do feel more panicky.

I think what happened to you was worse than what happened to me as I didn’t have any bruises and I was allowed to go home. It is good to hear that your Ed got supervised contact. How are you doing now?

hellenbackagen Sun 18-Aug-19 16:24:35

hi op
im a police officer - basically most DV related stuff is "one word agaisnt another" so dont let that put you off.

if they have suggested a video interview then it means they are taking you pefectly seriously and it means there has been so much crap for so long it wont all fit in a statement - video is also "evidence in chief" if you are a vulnerable or intimidate witness so can be used as evidence in any court case without you having to stand up and recount it all again.

it doesnt sound like the officer has been very clear in the next steps however.

i would ring back or pop in. there will be an officer allocated to the job but might take a day or two (or longer typically) to contact you.

they will then discuss with you how you want to proceed. you should also get a crime number.

if there is anything i can help with pm me. youve done the right thing.

hellenbackagen Sun 18-Aug-19 16:26:44

im also presuming they did a DASH risk assessment?

at least it is all recorded for now and you can think about the next step.

i dont understand why WA have said dont report - thats a bit worrying,
but police will not put you in danger - DV is a very hot topic and they will do everything to keep you safe.

what plans are in place to leave the relationship?

Siablue Sun 18-Aug-19 16:49:25

Thank you Hellenbackagain. They did say they want me to do a video statement. I know they have allocated someone to my case but they said to call back and my husband came home. I will keep trying.

They did do a risk assessment. I am medium risk apparently.

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