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Best friend's DH dating a colleague, do I tell her?

(125 Posts)
KristinaBee Sat 10-Aug-19 15:11:52

Hi all, regular poster on Relationships and AIBU but I have NCed as this post might be outing and I don't want it to be linked to my regular activity on Mumsnet.

I work for a large organization in a senior position, with 30+ people reporting to me. My best friend also works in the same company and in a senior position. Our DC go to the same school and are good friends, we are part of the same social group (which include our respective DHs) so we see each other often. Our DHs work in our company as well (it is a big employer in the area). We are all mid 40s.

I was aware that my friend's marriage had been rocky for a while, and she and her DH eventually decided to split up 6 months ago. He moved out of their FH 3 months ago. The separation has been amicable and respectful so far, they spend together with the DC and help each other when needed. Part of the reason why the separation has been so amicable is that no one else was involved.

Fast forward to this week, a colleague mentions that my friend's DH has been seen out on a date with a woman who reports directly to me. Apparently they looked very loved up and affectionate. This woman is 10 years younger than us, single, attractive and very good at her job. Our work relationship has been excellent so far. I feel a bit weird about her being involved with my friend's DH, although I understand it is none of my business.

The gossip will get out there in the office soon and people will start talking about it, if they haven't already. As both my friend and her DH have been working for this company for many years, everybody knows they were married and that they have recently split up. They were considered a bit of a "power couple" and it was a "big news" when the split came out a couple of months ago.

I don't think my friend knows her DH is seeing someone, let alone that specific younger colleague, whom she knows as well. She might find out through office gossips, which would be awful for her. I also can't help but wonder if maybe this has been going on for a while, perhaps even before the split? That would potentially damage the amicable nature of the separation.

What do I do? Do I tell her what I know? Do I stay out of it? I am really on the fence on what to do here shock

sheshootssheimplores Sat 10-Aug-19 15:14:27

I would tell her. It was enable her to get herself together before the news hits publicly.

Ellabella989 Sat 10-Aug-19 15:14:34

I would tell her as I would want to know if it were me. Not an easy conversation to have though

KOKOtiltomorrow Sat 10-Aug-19 15:15:05

Tell him to tell her.

drogon1 Sat 10-Aug-19 15:15:27

I think you should tell her. You can tell her privately and sensitively.
I'm sure she'd much rather hear from you than be blindsided by hearing it in general chatter by other colleagues.

Mammajay Sat 10-Aug-19 15:15:34

Tell her

OldAndWornOut Sat 10-Aug-19 15:17:14

I would stay out of it.
They aren't together anymore, so who her ex dates isn't really anyone's business, even hers.

ALittleBitAlexis Sat 10-Aug-19 15:17:30

If she were just an acquaintance I'd stay out of it but she's your best friend - definitely tell her, she'll appreciate being told sensitively rather than finding out through gossip.

BazaarMum Sat 10-Aug-19 15:17:48

If you are close friends, tell her. Although as factually as possible: they were seen out together, definitely a romantic date rather than colleagues having a drink. I’d leave out any speculation about how ‘loved up’ they were and let her ask him about it.

OctoberLovers Sat 10-Aug-19 15:18:52

Tell her, its alot kinder to her

Alisha779 Sat 10-Aug-19 15:19:02

Tell her the simple fact you heard, but do not add your other suspicions or conjecture about when it may or may not have started. That's none of your business. The date has been brought to your attention and you are letting her know out of kindness so she isn't made aware by gossip. Let her draw her own conclusions beyond that and be there as her friend.

RightOnTheEdge Sat 10-Aug-19 15:21:07

If you are all friends I would speak to the husband.
Say you heard people at work talking about him dating the new woman and he needs to tell his wife before she hears it from someone else.

Wishihad Sat 10-Aug-19 15:21:49

As her best friend you should tell her.

However, since your jobs are involved you could get caught up in a whole heap of trouble.

Not sure what the age or attractiveness of this woman has to do with anything.

You know your friend better than us. Would this cause problems at work? Especially if the new girlfriend complains that you are treating her different, or something further down the line.

The other side of the coin is that it's not really her business who he dates. Though I think its poor judgement on his side.

If a woman was dating and being pressure into telling the husband she is seperate from, I doubt so many people would be staying he has a right to know.

If it was going to cause problems in my job, I would keep out if it. I also work with my best friend and she would understand that its something that's come up at work. I would understand if she kept something from me.

Surely they can remain amicable AND both date.

Wishihad Sat 10-Aug-19 15:23:14

And you have no evidence anything happened before the split. Theres no point contemplating that.

All you know is that they are dating.

KristinaBee Sat 10-Aug-19 15:27:08

Would this cause problems at work? Especially if the new girlfriend complains that you are treating her different, or something further down the line.

Selfishly I am a bit concerned about this. This woman is aware of the fact that I am very close to my best friend, and will potentially be a bit on the edge about me knowing once the news is out. I worry that this could create work issues for me in case in the future there is a professional conflict/disagreement between me and this woman, and she might think I am biased against her because of her involvement with friend's DH.

MyNewBearTotoro Sat 10-Aug-19 15:32:27

I think you should tell her what you know to be fact, but definitely don’t tell her any gossip or hypothesising. Just tell her sensitively that colleague mentioned she thought she saw him on a date with the woman and that you just wanted to give her the heads up before she heard it through the grapevine, and possibly embellished. Please don’t add that they looked ‘loved up’ and certainly don’t suggest that maybe it’s been going on since before they split. All she needs to know now are the facts to save her hearing them elsewhere, anything else is between her and her ex.

Wishihad Sat 10-Aug-19 15:53:11

It's not selfish to consider you career.

As I said I work with my best friends she is now my sil (i am with her brother) we have strict 'work is work' policy.

We are both aware that we will not share info. Even if it personally involves the other. If it there is potential to cause difficulty at work.

Since your husband works there, knows the company and the husband and wife involved as he given an opinion?

littlepaddypaws Sat 10-Aug-19 15:55:03

tell your friend but beyond it's not your business to get involved, judge or otherwise, you don't have to become embroiled in gossip either.

Everafter1 Sat 10-Aug-19 16:03:20

I would tell her. She's your best friend, when she finds out from someone else she'll wonder why you didn't tell her.

She's going to find out, I doubt it will come from him. Others probably already know, she won't want to be the last to know.

It's much better to get a heads up from you rather than another work colleague. She'll no doubt come to you when she hears the news thinking you're unaware.

SirGawain Sat 10-Aug-19 16:06:14

None of your business. They are amicably seperated and what they each do has nothing to do with anyone else.

Everafter1 Sat 10-Aug-19 16:09:11

Try to take the worry out about work.

There would be no reason for you and the woman to have any conflict if you both remain professional (I'm sure you would).

They're both adults & are fully aware of what they're getting involved in. Im sure they'll not want it to cause problems either. They're not hiding the fact their seeing each other.

saraclara Sat 10-Aug-19 16:09:41

At this point you don't know whether this is true, or gossip with no real foundation. Unless I or someone I wholeheartedly trusted had seen them kiss (or anything else that indicated that they weren't just meeting as affectionate friends, I'd not be sure enough to pass it on. So no. I wouldn't say anything yet.

HaileySherman Sat 10-Aug-19 16:16:37

Since it's your best friend then i think you should tell her. I would understand (and recommend) staying out of it in any other circumstance, but I'd want to be able to trust my best friend to tell me something like that.

SandyY2K Sat 10-Aug-19 16:34:42

Who he dates us his business now. I wouldn't say anything. She'll soon find out.

It really doesn't matter if the woman he's dating is younger/older or attractive or not. The woman is free to date him, as he is seperated and free to date.

Them being a power couple is irrelevant. Are you suggesting she shouldn't date him because she knows his wife?

MrsGrindah Sat 10-Aug-19 16:39:57

If it’s as you say nobody has done anything wrong have they? Your friend will find out and maybe ask you if you knew, but you can say you didn’t want to get involved as you didn’t know the facts and it’s none of your business what her ex does. All of which is the truth.

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