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Forgive and Moving after Cheating- is it possible?

(115 Posts)
PrimroseDot Sat 10-Aug-19 13:18:46

Hello,

I found out a few months ago that my husband had cheated on me with a colleague at least 4 times over about 3 months. I was absolutely devastated but it all made sense after he told me a few weeks prior to me finding out that he didn’t love me anymore- I came on here for advice and a lot of people said there would be an ow, and there was!
Anyway I decided to try and forgive him, try and move on. I’ve concentrated on myself- joined gym, finally got back to my pre pregnancy body after 10 years! Going out more, seeing and being more open to making friends, basically never turning down any invites. I’ve had therapy for 3 months, just myself not couples as I felt I wanted to work on me not us first and I actually feel like I have the old me back. I didn’t realise but I had been so unhappy for the last 10 years, I feel like a different person. Our relationship is like a new one, I said to DH that the marriage we had is over and I feel this is all new. Things are good and he has changed a lot, I am happy BUT have a lot of doubts. I’m at peace with the fact that I could feel like ending it all tomorrow, and actually I’m not scared of being alone. Can I ever actually forgive him? It still makes me angry everyday, I still think about all the things he did and the lies he told. Will I ever stop thinking about it? I also have this fear that things will slip back to how they were and he will do it again- and I would have wasted all this time. Has anyone’s relationship survived cheating in the long run?

NeedtoRecover Thu 15-Aug-19 07:13:49

momoney I’ve done both individual and couples therapy.
Apparently couples therapy doesn’t work for dh and he refused to go anymore.

MoMoneyMoProblemz Thu 15-Aug-19 07:34:32

@Needtorecover I am sorry to hear that. Have you considered a new therapist if he feels the one you've seen previously isn't working? Maybe talking to them before any sessions to see if they can help with areas he believes are the issues that haven't been addressed or helped by the current therapist?

I did 2 months therapy sessions alone, about 10 CBT sessions alone and then we introduced the couples one after my OH moved back home. At first I didnt see it working and I remember screaming at him and walking out of a session because I was so angry and hurt. Things between us got worse before it got better.

How long has it been for you, if you don't mind me asking?

Faith50 Thu 15-Aug-19 07:34:34

needtorecover if sex was involved then I do not know how I would have coped. It was a kiss and cuddle. My dh was not emotionally attached and there were no date nights, poems, gifts, 'I love you's'. Still hurtful and painful all the same.

momoney Thanks. I lashed out for quite a while then realised I needed to choose to stay or go. I actually felt I needed to remind dh of what he had done - as if he might somehow forget!

NeedtoRecover Thu 15-Aug-19 08:32:31

monmoney we tried 3 different ones and they don’t work for him. The only one he liked was the one that told me my reaction was the most extreme she’d seen. Needless to say I didn’t feel comfortable with her after that. This is why divorce is happening now. But I’m so sad.

It’s been nearly two years. I can’t fix the marriage alone and it feels like he’s checked out. Looking back I wonder if he ever really checked back in after the affair. He said/did all the right things initially but expected me to recover too quickly. It’s been the most traumatic thing I’ve ever dealt with and haven’t been able to recover quickly,if I fully recover at all.

faith it was emotional and sexual. He loved her. For nine months they messaged each other and met up. It’s a pretty hard thing to recover from.

NeedtoRecover Thu 15-Aug-19 08:36:28

Anyway primrose I’m sorry, I’m making this thread about me and it’s yours. I really hope you can make it work. If you can’t then remember there is no shame in walking away.

Faith50 Thu 15-Aug-19 11:13:54

needtorecover I cannot even begin to understand how you are feeling. The fact that you know he loved her. Nine months is a long time. Your dh/dp should be fighting for you right now.

NeedtoRecover Thu 15-Aug-19 11:30:39

faith he’s not though. That’s why I have to walk away.

WhoIsTheFairestOfThemAll Thu 15-Aug-19 11:47:09

Too many people are quick to jump ship

I really dislike this attitude. I don't think walking away from a marriage where someone has broken a vow is something to he shamed for.

I didn't try again. I didn't have any desire to 'move on' with him or put myself through the emotional turmoil that is so evident on here.

I have one life and I deserve to he happy in it. I don't consider it to be a failing on my part at all that I walked away and I'm far happier now than I would have been had I stayed and tried to make it work.

I did all the things the OP has done - I worked on myself and I'm unrecognisable - in almost every way - from the person I was.

Walking away was the best thing for me.

Faith50 Thu 15-Aug-19 12:25:14

needtorecover you have every right to walk away if he is not working on himself.

Jabbercocky Thu 15-Aug-19 13:43:25

If the OW is still at his work he needs to resign immediately.
He needs to change his mobile number and close all his social media accounts.
If he has joint acquaintances with the OW he needs to cut them from his life immediately and permanently.
He needs to lock himself out of all his email accounts permanently.

These are not acts of control on your part. These are acts of love on his part to make you feel safe. If he has to take a menial job to survive, sorry but that’s the price you pay. Any other course of action is him not wanting his actions to have a negative impact on his life whilst watching them have a massive impact on yours.

Relationships can survive this sort of thing - but not by sweeping it all under the carpet.

PrimroseDot Thu 15-Aug-19 13:52:59

ugh today I have had a few wobbly moments. He swears that its never happened before, but I think the level of deceit as in booking a hotel 5 days after they has a ons, is quite full on for someone who has never so much as kissed someone else in all these years. Am I just being a fool thinking this is a was a one off? I've given him loads of chances to tell me anything, I needed to know the truth before I decided what to do, but I can't be sure. On days like this I feel like I'm just keeping going until it happens again or I find out something else and it will all then be over for good.

Faith50 Thu 15-Aug-19 13:53:36

Jabbercocky I agree with all you have said. Contact must be broken, there should be no negotiation around this. OW must remain in the past. If dh/dp has problems letting her go, he has no right to have you.

There are always consequences to our actions. Dh must be willing to accept them. Dh was part of a group that ow attends. When weddings/christenings and other celebrations come up, he will decline on our behalf and send flowers/a gift. A price he has to pay.

StarlightSparkle Thu 15-Aug-19 15:20:31

Primrose, it’s impossible to know. That’s the trouble with liars - once you know they’re capable of lying to your face, it makes it hard to believe anything they say.

I completely understand why you are trying to stay - I couldn’t do it though. Gave it a year for the sake of the children but one day he went off to a sporting event for the whole day/night with friends and it hit me while he was there that this would be a perfect opportunity for him to meet another woman without me suspecting a thing or questioning it. I realised in that moment that I would never trust him again and things deteriorated from there.

Like your DH, after it all came out he did everything ‘right’, broke all contact, was full of remorse, and became a model husband and father but since I have started divorce proceedings things have turned ugly. He is being completely selfish and unreasonable and prioritising himself over the kids; I’ve actually been quite shocked by his behaviour. Now I’ve seen this side of him though, I know I’ve made the right decision. I think the ow did me a favour in a way as I could have wasted decades of my life on someone who really only loves himself, and if this hadn’t have happened it would’ve taken me a long time to realise it as he seemed like such a great guy.

I think you have to take things slowly and trust your gut. Some people do make it work but you have to do what is right for you. It’s tough to leave and have to share the kids, etc but I’m happier now than I was with him post-affair. Only stay if you genuinely think you can be happy. If months/ years down the line you are miserable and dying inside I think it’s better to leave.

AlongTheWay Thu 15-Aug-19 21:44:59

Am I just being a fool thinking this is a was a one off?

End of the day it doesn't matter. He did it, he's a liar, a cheat and he disrespected you.

He says once, but it could have been 20 you will never, ever know because they only people that do is the two of them. You can never be sure and you will always wonder. He might go away for work, or work late, or be late at a work function... But you will always wonder if that's what he's really doing from now on.

Trust is broken and you can never be 100% sure of the truth you can only go by his word, and so far he has proven he's capable of lying about where he is/was so his word doesn't mean much at this point.

Alfiemoon1 Fri 16-Aug-19 22:31:10

I am sure some couples can reconcile after an affair. My dh didn’t have a physical affair not even sure it was an emotional affair as it was one sided on his part he chose to lie and hide his messages and meetings with her after 4 years of being on a rollercoaster happy when I think he’s not in contact with her for months on end then it all kicks off again when he gets caught out

I’ve decided enough was enough I don’t trust him he’s betrayed me for long enough I don’t want to live with someone that I don’t trust or believe a word they say anymore. Was doing really well since discovering the latest lies in June but I lost my job this week so guess I am stuck with him here longer unfortunately

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