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Devastated

(624 Posts)
MarthasGinYard Sat 10-Aug-19 08:02:49

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

MarthasGinYard Sat 10-Aug-19 08:05:37

Feel like phoning in sick but it's very last minute.

LittleFairywren Sat 10-Aug-19 08:05:45

I'd bet my house he's hiding more than what you've found and he's panicking.

MarthasGinYard Sat 10-Aug-19 08:06:49

Honesty

He wasn't hiding anything at all

He really wasn't

I feel awful

Cloudyyy Sat 10-Aug-19 08:11:19

Hope you’re OK and have someone in real life to reach out to? Eelationship breakdowns are horrible! Hmm it would seem strange for him to walk out of an otherwise very happy 13 year relationship because you went through one of his drawers and found nothing. There must be more to this?! Are you constantly accusing him of things? Why is he unhappy? Ultimately it’s his decision when enough is enough and in time you’ll be OK. Keep really busy and use work as a distraction today.

Maternitynurse16 Sat 10-Aug-19 08:12:05

I also think he's hiding something. Seems a very over the top reaction for someone that's innocent

MarthasGinYard Sat 10-Aug-19 08:16:58

Thank you

Not constantly accusing but about a month ago asked him what something was to do with phones. Settings etc.

Again it was absolutely nothing but I guess he's just had enough.

I've had a previous relationship where OH constantly lied and hid things and I've carried all the demons with me.

If someone has told me 2 days ago I'd be feeling like this I would never have believed it.

I asked him if we could park it just during school hols. We have a little holiday booked at the end of August with our Dd who is 9. I've asked if we can still go as a family.

MarthasGinYard Sat 10-Aug-19 08:18:43

I think He's felt the mistrust over stupid things over the years which were all absolutely nothing.

It's as if he's just had enough. He's 55 and said he doesn't want to carry on like this.

RushianDisney Sat 10-Aug-19 08:19:22

What had he done to make you suspicious in the first place? What was it that 'didn't add up'? It does seem like an overreaction, but equally I would feel really shit if I found out a partner had rifled through my things to try and catch me out if I hadn't done anything.

CassandraGemini Sat 10-Aug-19 08:19:35

What made you suspicious, initially?

MrsGrindah Sat 10-Aug-19 08:20:19

You say you actually trust him but your behaviour says otherwise. It’s very stressful being with someone who doesn’t trust you and can make you cover up the simplest things fir fear of interrogation. Love means trusting someone. I think some time apart would do you both good.

MashedSpud Sat 10-Aug-19 08:20:27

His extreme reaction also makes me think he’s hiding something. It’s sending you the message not to question what does or he leaves, therefore stopping you from snooping.

Usually when women have suspicions they are right.

Wildorchidz Sat 10-Aug-19 08:22:50

What made you suspicious, initially?

Previous relationship where op was lied to.
This man has had enough of being treated as if he is lying too.

MarthasGinYard Sat 10-Aug-19 08:23:46

Basically he'd gone to a concert on his own a while back and I thought I found what was another ticket.

It wasn't it was bought through another company that sells tickets on So he had a ticket printed from viagogo and the actual ticket was ticket master. He showed me the link to print the ticket on his email and it's exactly what I found. I had had a look for a credit card bill nothing else.

I'd have hated it if someone had been through my things too sad

MarthasGinYard Sat 10-Aug-19 08:25:30

Previous relationship where op was lied to.
This man has had enough of being treated as if he is lying too.'

This in buckets

Theworldcouldbemymollusc Sat 10-Aug-19 08:25:59

There are two possibilities here. One that he has done nothing wrong and you have brought your past experience with you and pushed it onto him. He's finally had enough.
Two the reasons you chose your ex led you to choose a similar partner now. They both lie and cheat and can't be trusted but your current partner has a great excuse by blaming your experience with your ex to deny, mimise, blame, gaslight you. You then feel guilty and question yourself.
I always think gut feel is right......

MarthasGinYard Sat 10-Aug-19 08:28:39

I cried in the night and felt panicky he fetched me some water. He is now sleeping in Dd room she's at her friends.

HeavenlyEyes Sat 10-Aug-19 08:29:26

If he wanted to help you through your mistrust he would not have reacted in this way.

You cannot say hand on heart you know he hasn't cheated. I think his reaction is completely disproportionate and I think you should stop begging and demeaning yourself.

MarthasGinYard Sat 10-Aug-19 08:31:32

'If he wanted to help you through your mistrust he would not have reacted in this way.'

TBF he has always been approachable if I've ever had a worry.

I think he's just had enough of me.

He says he's not happy and I don't want him to feel like that.

MarthasGinYard Sat 10-Aug-19 08:33:44

He also said last night he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore.

He's been so supportive and a really good DPSeems you don't realise what you've got until it's about to go.

ukgift2016 Sat 10-Aug-19 08:38:19

I agree with the other posters, he is gaslighting you and is being manipulative.

You are obviously not taking what anyone has said on board so carry on. If you expect people to hate on you and big up your 'dh' your on the wrong forum.

something2say Sat 10-Aug-19 08:39:05

Hello xxx
What I’d do is this –
Lay very low today, let him go out and get some space from you.
See if he will carry on when he’s had some time to think.
If he will, then you’ve a chance. Take it – go and get help for your past trauma and never visit it upon him again.
If he won’t, accept with good grace.
Either way, it will certainly help you to sort out the past.
That said, I do hope he agrees to give you another chance as I know the sick feeling you have xxx

MarthasGinYard Sat 10-Aug-19 08:41:50

Thank you Something I hope so

I think I should go to work

If I'm around him I think it will make things worse and I don't want Dd to see me upset.

Witchinaditch Sat 10-Aug-19 08:42:12

Why do people get so upset about people
Looking through their things? I don’t think me or OH would care less if the other looked through our things! Sounds like
He’s hiding something or using it as an excuse. Seems like a bit much to throw a relationship away over something so small

Hopoindown31 Sat 10-Aug-19 08:42:18

OP, to be clear this incident is on the back of a lot of similar incidents where you were effectively accusing him of something? Because you were lied to in a previous relationship?

I think a lot of posters aren't getting this so are going with the standard MN 'trust your gut'/'man must have done something wrong' line, which isn't helpful.

Sadly I think your DP has had enough and probably no longer trusts your ability to stop being mistrustful after so long.

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