Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DP and his ex inappropriate?(64 Posts)
DP and me been together 9 years this June. He has two boys, 11 and 15 with ex wife. The boys live with her in Basingstoke, about half hour drive from us. I don't talk to the ex wife since she tried to sabotage our Christmas with a mystery illness which she miraculously recovered from when DP drove up there, and interfering in our relationship on and off since the beginning. Just stirring and feigning illnesses to get attention.
DP is oblivious to her meddling. For the past year or so they've been in contact via text nearly every day, not particularly about the kids but just general chit chat, even discussing our problems like wanting a child of our own. I've made it clear I'm not happy with it, but he claims it's entirely innocent and they just get on well. They even go out for drinks together, I'm not invited because I've made it clear i think she's poison and she's made no secret of the fact she dislikes me and thinks my DP can do better. She actually said that!
I understand they have to get on for the kids, but texting every day and going out for drinks occasionally feels wrong to me. It doesn't help that I have little confidence, am overweight and not sure if this is why I'm making an issue out of something that is, I think quite innocent. I've talked to DP but he's made it clear that he's not prepared to cool things down as it's my problem, I'm being controlling.
What hurts is that he knows it upsets me, but he can't seem to stop texting her. He says he misses their chats and feels sorry for her as she's lonely. I told him I don't mind them texting, just not every day. And I don't like them going for drinks. I think it's strange and not something you do with an ex. But he's adamant it's all innocent and they're just friends.
Just to reiterate I have no problem with him chatting about the kids. But it just feels out of order how close they are. And knowing how manipulative his ex is. And I can't stand that he's discussed our personal problems with this woman, especially the difficult conceiving issue. She once said, when we were still being civil, that some women just aren't meant to be mothers, which really hurt. DP just said she says things without thinking.
What can I say that will make DP see that it's killing our relationship. I'm so full of resentment it's getting to the point where I feel like I'm going crazy. DP has no close friends, only work colleagues, and so I feel mean stopping them socializing because he has no close friends to go out with.
Tonight was a breaking point having sat on the sofa all night, trying to have a conversation whilst he was tapping away on his phone to her all evening, I could scream.
What you say OP to DP is it is either you or her. One of you have to go. Hopefully its her!!
This is just wrong . Yes, communicate re children but the rest of it ? No fucking way . Going out for drinks together ? No way . Discussing you ? No! Many men don't have loads of friends due to work and family commitments esp the older they get .
What can you say ? Just what you said here - I'm becoming increasingly unhappy with all the texting etc between you and ex. It makes me feel as if there is no future in our relationship and that you might be happier with her . Of course you have to be prepared to walk the walk with that . Nobody deserves to be second best in a relationship .
Completely agree with PPs, this is so inappropriate. The fact that he's discussed conception issues with someone he knows really upsets you and dislikes you is so unbelievably disrespectful and selfish. He genuinely sounds quite awful to me, no consideration for you at all.
Your "D"P isn't oblivious to her meddling, he's enjoying the drama. 9 years is too long to have put in on this man, I'd suggest you look for someone who puts consideration for you, your feelings & your private life together somewhere above the bottom of the pecking order. You deserve better.
This is totally wrong. With kids of 11 and 15 there shouldn't be a lot to say . My DH talks to his ex once per week when he rings to talk to his son with Asperger's , who is home with his mother and doesn't have a phone. DH rings her, speaks to her for about 1 minute and then she puts their son on. End of. To me that is normal - what you've got is definitely NOT normal.
Seems to me that you've been with him for 9 years, no kids. Your partner has gone back to his "comfort zone" of chatting to his ex, with whom he has a long history, things in common etc. And no doubt she is loving it, knowing she is disrupting his relationship with you.
The fact that he knows you are upset about this, but isn't willing to do anything about it, and in fact FLAUNTS it in front of you like tonight with you trying to talk to him and him texting her while you talk ........ to me that would be the end of the relationship right there. She is the OW in my opinion, and it's happening right in front of you. I'd be packing my bags, OP. You deserve much better than this.
Texting all evening while you are sitting with him? No that’s out of order.
You’ve discussed it and he doesn’t agree with you so I can’t see any way of resolving this unless you call it a day.
He needs to either stop the daily texts and drinks or I'd leave him.
He's basically having both relationships still - that is not fair on you.
He is deaf to you because this situation suits him. You need to issue an ultimatum and stand by it. He is being very very disrespectful towards you with this behaviour.
If he can't or won't respect your wishes you need to move on.
He loves having his ego stroked.
Won't be long before it's his penis getting stroked imo.
He is keeping you apart for a reason op....
You need to tell him she goes or he does...
Though for me he would be binned already.
It really doesn't sound like he cares about you tbh.
I think your low confidence is keeping you in this relationship and he can take it or leave it, whereas you're fully invested in it.
I wouldn't put up with the level of contact and as I cannot control or dictate, I'd end the relationship... I would have ended it ages ago.
Even if she was I'll over Christmas, why was he the one she called over?
I'd say she's his primary woman, as he drops what he's doing for her and you're just left.
I also think he knows that you lack confidence and you will continue to put up with it, because a new relationship is daunting or you feel being overweight lessens your options.
You've told him how you feel. He has made it clear he won't stop chatting and going for drinks with her...even saying he misses their chats.
Would he be okay if you went drinking with an Ex and texting all the time?
Discussing personal issues like TTC? I'm afraid that would be a dealbreaker for me. Better to cut loose when you don't have kids and you never have to see him again.
I think you need to work on yourself and your self worth. The lack of self esteem is making you tolerant this nonsense.
Op, I have asked MN to remove your location as identifiable. Just for your own sake.
Your dp is not innocent here, you mention she is manipulative but look at his behaviour. What's the benefit to him to have both women not talking to each other? He is the puppetmaster. You feel upset and she doesn't look to find someone else as in a "relationship" with him. He has his ego stroked by 2 women arging over him.
The term is triangulation, google it.
How old are you? There is often no way to fix this situation as he isn't emotionally mature enough to treat you well. Leaving is likely to be the only way.
You deserve better and this man can't or won't give it to you. Btw, a red flag to me was a man with no male friends.
It's time to move on maybe he is not the right man for you. He seems to enjoy having two women running after him. You are worth more than this.
Completly inappropriate. I agree with the pp who said she is the primary woman. He dumps you for her on Christmas day ; she knows she asks him to jump he's asks how high.
I'd be fuming op and ask him to make a choice
Give it up. I wouldn't be thinking of having a child with him, more how can I move my life on from him, since he'd rather text her than talk to you. What's the point of living your life second-best to his ex?
The best thing you can do is park this for now, the frustration you feel and his selfishness about the situation are evident.
What can you do?
He won't rectify his behaviour in any way.
You will remain frustrated.
The only thing you can change is yourself and your feelings towards this. Start by going to counselling to work on your confidence. You talked about feeling over weight, join the group's on here and figure out a diet and exercise plan for yourself. If you are working , up skill and take on more challenges, go out more and meet your friends and family.
You are sitting in, always available knowing he is texting her and disrespecting you. Let him text her and go for drinks with her , you have little choice in the matter.
You do have a choice to change your self and get your self away from how you are feeling and get fit and healthy.
My children have different biological fathers. I'm also a stepmother to my current partner's children. He's the father of one of my children.
One of the things we found attractive about each other is that we understood exactly why we remain good friends with our exes/co-parents. And no, it isn't just for the sake of the children. We were once in love. We have shared history and friends and familial relationships. Although our romantic relationship ended, it doesn't stop him being a very important part of my life. So yes, we chat, we go out together, we have even take our kids in holiday together without our respective partners. It just made financial sense and only we could get the time off of work.
We don't check how often or what nature our correspondence is with other people because we trust each other to stick within the agreed boundaries of our relationship so I don't actually know how often they speak. I speak to my ex most days in some form.
Generally, I'm an avid promoter of observing actions to assess (ongoing) compatibility. Rather than try and make someone comfortable about the way I interact with my ex, I sought people who share my views about it. If someone displays actions that make me unhappy, I walk away or change our relationship to a model that works better for us. Friends instead of lovers. Live apart as partners rather than together. I think we'd be better served by looking for cohesion than forcing change.
Thanks for the replies. I think Im to blame partly because Ive let it get to this stage, all the time thinking it was good for his two boys that his parents got on well. But I think somewhere its crossed over from being on good terms for the kids, to something that makes me really uncomfortable.
Whenever we've discussed it, usually when Im at my wits end, he tells me its more that theyre really good friends and confide in each other likes mates, that theres nothing else to it, and I buy it, at the time, but to answer a query no he wouldnt like it if I was chatting to my ex every day and going out socialising with them, which then makes me feel like a doormat going along with it all.
And I dont think its acceptable to discuss our problems with her, when she clearly would love nothing more than for us to split and her have him all to herself, but he's too stupid to see that. Or maybe Im the stupid one? Or maybe Im asking too much and being controlling, stopping him talking to her. Im so confused, I dont know what normal boundaries are anymore. I just know that it makes me feel crap.
There aren't normal boundaries. Just the boundaries that you mutually agree on. You can't make an agreement about this, from how it seems.
The boys are older enough to communicate with your partner themselves. Do you have the same routine for seeing them every week? Only time the ex and your partner should be talking if it's about the kids only and it shouldn't be that much at the ages the kids are. I'd be giving him an ultimatum.
‘What can I say that will make DP see that it's killing our relationship.‘
Absolutely nothing. Because he knows all he needs to know (as your second post makes abundantly clear)
There is nothing more to be said.
The only question that remains is what you are going to do
I really struggle with people saying that it "should" be a certain way. I would very much resent anyone telling me that I "shouldn't" speak to my ex about anything other than our child.
Or maybe Im asking too much and being controlling
You're not being controlling. You're not saying they should not speak to each other...but the level of contact is too much.
I was the one who asked if he'd be okay with you being so friendly with an Ex.
I had a similar issue, but it wasn't this level of contact. It was the discussion of personal issues.
I made it clear that if he didn't stop, I would make contact with a few of my Exs for friendship. He tried to say he was always friendly with his Ex, but I was going out of my way to make contact.
I told him some of them wanted to stay friends, but I didn't think it was appropriate...but if it was ok for him...then I'd do the same.
He was very destabilized by it and is the jealous type too.
Now I was married with kids, if I was not married and didn't have kids like you, I'd be long gone.
You're not a priority to him. He's made that very clear to you. It's just hard to accept.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.