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I think I've been a complete bitch to my DH. Have I?

(28 Posts)
peggotty Fri 03-Aug-07 08:57:14

It's my DH's birthday today. LAst night he rang me from his mobile at about 5pm to say he would be a little bit late in (when pushed he said 7.30 instead of his usual 6.15ish) because he was in a meeting that had ran on and needed to go back to his office to do a few things before he came home. My DH has a loooooong history of doing this, i.e ringing to say he'll be a little bit late and then coming in MUCH later, usually having had a fair few drinks. This is what happened last night. He rang again at 8pm to say he was a bit pissed but would be home 'soon'. He wasn't. I went to bed at 10.30 and he wasn't home then, I don't know when he got in. He knows that when he does this I become almost incandescent with rage at him for it, and to be fair he barely does it at all anymore. But he did it last night, and this morning (his birthday) I have hardly been able to bring myself to speak to him. Our dd gave him the presents and cards from us (he was in spare room), and I gave him a hard time. Now he is saying that he is pissed off with me because of the way I've been acting with him. We had arranged one of my friends to babysit tonight and we were going to go out, and he's told me to cancel it because he doesn't want to go out with me. I think I might have overdone it. Before he said this I had gone in to say I didn't want to argue on his birthday but he just cut me off and said to cancel our night out. I feel terrible now. Any advice?

edam Fri 03-Aug-07 08:59:55

Think you are both at fault. Would have been gracious of you to put the argument aside for his birthday. But it's not on that he is repeatedly lying to you - if he's going to stay out and get pissed he should be honest about it.

MascaraOHara Fri 03-Aug-07 09:01:34

to be honest I would be upset to.. and I'd put money on the fact that if he'd just called and said "I'm going for a few beers with the guys from work I'll be in late, si that OK?" you probably wouldn't have minded.

SpawnHorcrux Fri 03-Aug-07 09:02:02

Totally understand your reaction (I would have been furious too), but for both your sakes I'd just draw a line, swallow your pride/rage and phone him. Tell him you're sorry for giving him a hard time, and that you love him and that you're going to have a lovely evening together tonight.

RubySlippers Fri 03-Aug-07 09:02:08

i can see why you are pissed off
but also, perhaps he counted last night as a pre-birthday drink?
no easy answers - do you want to go out with him tonight?

MrsWeasley Fri 03-Aug-07 09:02:16

How about you go out tonight and do the same thing to him, just to let him see how you feel when he does it!

lisad123 Fri 03-Aug-07 09:03:27

I think i owuld be pissed off too if my hubby did thatoften, but he is a grown adult and surely if his called to say he'd be late that should be enough. Why do you need a certain time unless you have something planned? I know its nice to know what time he'll be home but when i go out with the girls I never know what time i will be home.
I would give him a few hours to calm down and get over his hang over. Explain that you would still love to go out tonight and you wont cancell the baby sitter and if he wont come with you, take a friend you need a night out too.
Good Luck


crokky Fri 03-Aug-07 09:07:12

I do understand your reaction, my DH has done this so many times that I have given up being angry about it.

However, when work colleagues go out together, there is a large element of piss taking when a married man says he is going home. "Under the thumb", "Won't the wife let you stay out" comments etc when the truth is a man wants to see his family. Maybe he got a bit of pressure from colleagues/laughed at.

WinkyWinkola Fri 03-Aug-07 09:07:18

This would really cheese me off too not least because I can't sleep until I know DH is home, safe and dry, so to speak.

Why couldn't he just say, "I'll be a bit late tonight, honey. I'm going out for a few jars." Easypeasy and then your expectations are managed.

But then again, you do know him very well and probably knew when he said he was going back to the office that really he was going out for some drinks.

Shame he had to do it the night before his birthday. Now it's easy for him to make YOU feel bad by cancelling his birthday dinner because YOU are apparently so awful to be with that he doesn't want to go out with you. And it's working - you do feel terrible. Would you feel terrible if it wasn't his birthday?

I'd say it was a good idea to cancel the dinner and not let him get away with making you feel bad for his inconsiderate behaviour. Or why don't you go out with the friend you arranged to come over and babysit and DH can sit at home nursing his hangover?

peggotty Fri 03-Aug-07 09:07:56

I don't think he is going to back down. I tried to smooth things over a bit, like I say, but he just cut me off, and then I got pissed off again. I've already told my mate not to come, and so has he, as it turns out! I hate this. He's gone into full 'justified in my anger' mode. I think even if we (unlikely) made up then the night out would still be tainted anyway. Bloody buggery.

crokky Fri 03-Aug-07 09:08:49

and ask him to reconsider about tonight - tell him you would like to go out just the 2 of you

SweetyDarling Fri 03-Aug-07 09:08:51

I would be self-righteous and hold my grudge (v good at this, but then I am not the most forgiving of souls. I'd make him suffer until he can bring himself to apologize - kind of like an adult naughty step!
I'm not suggesting you follow my lead btw.

crokky Fri 03-Aug-07 09:09:17

sorry x post!

SweetyDarling Fri 03-Aug-07 09:10:19

Furthermore, I would find someone else to come out with me rather than waste the booking. God I'm evil!!

crokky Fri 03-Aug-07 09:11:16

SD you are evil!!!! you and a friend going out on DH's birthday!!!! I am a bit more doormat-ish!

peggotty Fri 03-Aug-07 09:11:28

Part of the whole reaon I get so pissed off when he does this, is that he WON'T just say, look I think i'm prob going to be out late, he keeps saying 'i'll be home soon' and then isn't. Crokky, I think there is an element of the 'under the thumb' thing, yes. And of course if it hadn't been his birthday it wouldn't have developed into this full-blown row, it would have followed its usual pattern, i.e I get pissed off, shout at him a bit in the morning, he's sheepish for the rest of the day!

Spandex Fri 03-Aug-07 09:11:52

I think you should be civil but not let him think he can turn the situation round to make you look bad just 'cos it's his birthday.

You go out. Have a great time. Sod him.

RubySlippers Fri 03-Aug-07 09:12:55

i don't think that this kind of tit for tat stuff ever helps long term - the kind of "if you have been an arse i will be as well to see how you like it"
always better to try to talk through it
the OP said this is a pattern of behaviour which is clearly upsetting her, and he is using it (certainly on this occasion) to make himself out to be the only injured party
think you should thrash it out

peggotty Fri 03-Aug-07 09:15:08

I'm not generally a doormat, but I don't think I should go out with someone else on his birthday! I've often thought about the 'give him a taste of his own medicine' route, but it's just not me. And it would involve getting DOWN to his level! I prefer the 'make his life hell til he apologises' approach, but the birthday thing has complicated it all. I think he is using it, but it doesn't stop me feeling bad.

heifer Fri 03-Aug-07 09:16:15

maybe he thinks he will get a bollicking if he says he will be home much later, and maybe actually wasn't planning on staying that late..

I think you are both at fault TBH, he should have the guts to say, I am going to the pub and will be home very late, so don't wait up! surely he is allowed to do this (although not every night)...

I personally don't like holding a grudge, someone has to be the grown up.

Say what you want to say, then move on.

try one more time to make it up to him (but don't not accept all the blame). and go and have a lovely night out...

crokky Fri 03-Aug-07 09:16:26

If he is unwilling to thrash it out, I would just say sorry myself, not make any excuses like you were worried about him etc or anything like that, just say I'm really sorry, could we put it behind us and have a nice evening together for your birthday? Men and women can be different species sometimes!

crokky Fri 03-Aug-07 09:16:43

oh but don't say that last bit!

Baffy Fri 03-Aug-07 09:28:16

Ring the friend back who was due to babysit and go out with her instead.

If he felt he had to lie to you, then he clearly knew you'd have a problem with him coming home hours later than he said. But he chose to ignore your feelings and do it anyway. The cheek of him to then turn it back round as though it's somehow your fault!!

Go out with your mate and have a good time.

peggotty Fri 03-Aug-07 09:32:22

Funnily enough he's told me to go out with her instead now, but clearly he won't mean it. He's really going to town on this. I sent him a text saying I want to sort it out and the fault's not all mine, so the ball's in his court now.

Baffy Fri 03-Aug-07 09:37:33

Sounds like you're being really reasonable imo accepting some of the blame.

If he can't meet you half way and accept his share of the blame, then he's a fool (meant in the nicest possible way!).

I hope he comes to his senses and you can have a lovely evening together

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