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Falling for your best friend......what to do and how to deal with it???

(169 Posts)
h585hrf Fri 09-Aug-19 00:48:49

Hello people,

Sorry to crash your forum, but I need some advice.

Over the past few month's a good friend of mine has gone through some tough times and I've spent a lot of time with her to help her out, we're really close, have lots in common and have a great relationship. The problem is that I've realised recently that I have started to catch some feelings for her, I don't think she has any idea that these thoughts are going through my head, and, while we are really close i'm sure she doesn't have any deeper feelings for me. We're both single and in our mid 30's.

The question is what do I do???
1 - Confess all in the hope things work out, risking our friendship.
2 - Bury it and carry on regardless, this is simple, but it really kills me when she gets excited about a new date she's got and the like.
3 - Distance myself from her to get a bit of space and get over these feelings, this would probably involve explaining to her exactly why.
4 - Open to any further suggestions.

I'd really appreciate any input on this because it's just driving me up the wall at the moment.

h585hrf Fri 09-Aug-19 14:16:38

Thanks for all the input by the way, really appreciate it, please keep it coming.

PlipPlop7clocks Fri 09-Aug-19 14:29:06

You sound like a great person and a good friend to her.

If I were you I would test the waters a bit as other posters have suggested. Compliment her occasionally, help her with things, smile at her a bit more than usual, hold eye contact a split second longer than usual.

I think you need a bit of build up to telling her how you feel. It gives her a chance to warm up to the idea and to start thinking about you in a different way.

If she doesn’t reciprocate do you want to remain friends? If so, it all depends on how maturely you handle her potential rejection. If she thinks you’re genuinely comfortable with being friends then she will be comfortable too.

Don’t regret not saying anything but give yourself the best possible chance of success by giving off some subtle signs.

Good luck.

h585hrf Fri 09-Aug-19 15:07:24

Thank you,

The more I think about it, the more I'm thinking it would be really quite selfish, and not good for anyone involved, to do anything dramatic before our event next month, even though it may eat away at me a bit in that time. So here's what i'm thinking now.

If i can't move too much on this in the next month, then, during that time, I may as well, as you say, "test the waters" a little more. Even though I'm really not expecting anything. Then once we're all done next month I can perhaps say that I just need a bit of my own space for a little while, and let her know why.

I'm as good as certain she doesn't reciprocate these feelings, but I can't stress enough how much i want to remain friends after I drop this on her.

Loopytiles Fri 09-Aug-19 15:24:50

Telling her you’re interested in her romantically needn’t be “dramatic”.

If she’s not interested, that’s that and you can make adjustments to have much less time and contact with her, which you’d be doing anyway if you don’t tell her.

If she IS interested, great!

Rainbowshine Fri 09-Aug-19 16:04:33

When she next mentions gong on a date could you drop in an offhand comment like "he's a lucky guy" as a way of starting to show you appreciate her as more than a friend? If she has had a hard time of things perhaps she is also shy of showing her feelings and needs to know you see her as an attractive woman?

h585hrf Sat 10-Aug-19 10:05:34

Thanks again everyone,

As I say, I've not had any sign that she does see me as anything more than a good friend so, while i don't dispute that it would be nice, i'm not kidding myself that it is going to all work out........I'm wondering what you'd all think if a guy you saw as just a good friend started to catch feelings for you, and how you'd like him to handle it?

h585hrf Sat 10-Aug-19 10:08:50

I'd love to just be able to put it to one side and carry on without any issue, but I need to be fair to myself and carrying on while trying to supress my feelings is just akin to torturing myself. I also need to respect her too, I don't want her to feel bad for not reciprocating, and I don't want to just distance myself out of the blue and leave her wondering why and thinking she's done something that's upset me.

Robin2323 Sat 10-Aug-19 12:04:22

I'd run for the hills
One friend wanted to take me on holiday somewhere amazing.
I declined as it wouldn't be fair to give him false hope.
She probably already knows and is ignoring it (and hoping you won't chance your luck)

Robin2323 Sat 10-Aug-19 12:24:22

Sorry if that sounded a bit harsh but good male friends are great but not if the dynamic change.

h585hrf Sat 10-Aug-19 14:17:07

Doesn't sound harsh at all...just wondering, how would you like him to have dealt with things? He can't just carry on regardless with his feelings eating away at him, you surely respect him enough to understand that he's got to do what's right by him, what would you have thought if he'd just distanced himself without saying anything?

And yes, you're right, there's a very good chance that she does have an idea...i'll reiterate again, i really don't think there is anything more from her side and i'm not here dreaming that it's all going to work out....just trying to work out how to do what's best for me, without being a knob about the whole thing.

jewel1968 Sat 10-Aug-19 15:06:44

I think most women with male friends are aware that romantic feelings may intrude into their friendship. It is the nature of the beast. I suspect it has crossed her mind that you might have romantic feelings but she may suppress these feelings. It is possible that she too has developed romantic feelings but is wary about acting on them. If she had developed such feelings how would you expect her to act? You have acted no differently so why would she?

How does she respond if you are away for a period of time and unavailable for her?

Crazyirishgal Sat 10-Aug-19 17:04:31

You could take a step back but she’ll never know what she’s done that caused the distance which will in turn hurt you both or you could try and see how she reacts to subtle comments and go from there. How did she react when you’re friends said ye were suited?

Robin2323 Sat 10-Aug-19 17:19:19

What I did was introduce him to
My newly divorced friend L.
They hit it off and married 4 years later , a couple of months after me and dh smile

Robin2323 Sat 10-Aug-19 17:23:15

On a a side note the same had happened to my dh a few years before.
He had a friend who dh has gone to prison (fraud) but he started to develop feelings (I think or maybe just fancied her lol) anyway she introduced him to single mother W.
This was way, way before I knew him.

h585hrf Sat 10-Aug-19 19:56:47

I think her typical reaction when people have suggested us as a couple is along the lines of "we'd drive each other mad" or "he's like my big brother"....nothing to suggest that she sees me in anything other than a best friend/big brother type of way. She's been keen to point out to a lot of people that we aren't a couple, as i have said over and over i am not kidding myself here, I don't see any chance of my feelings being reciprocated.

I am seeing her tomorrow, she's out on a date tonight, she is quite keen on this guy and i know it'll come up, I'll be really pleased for her if everything has gone well, but at the same time i know that hearing about it is going to hurt.

CliffsofMoherVisitor Sat 10-Aug-19 22:48:58

Go on a date with someone else. See how she reacts.

DBML Sat 10-Aug-19 22:57:53

Life’s too short. Tell her and you’ll know either way.

h585hrf Sat 10-Aug-19 23:32:05

It's not even a matter of wanting io know either way....I know that she's not into me like that....I can't quite figure out how to deal with the whole situation, we'll see how tomorrow goes i guess.

Scott72 Sun 11-Aug-19 00:15:27

Don't tell her anything. Put some distance between you two if you need. This wouldn't cause her huge distress, she probably would barely notice and would get over it fast.

Speakercube Sun 11-Aug-19 00:26:55

Maybe just say that you realise she doesn't feel the same way but you're finding it a bit difficult to be around her so much so you'll not be seeing so much of her so that you can cool off your feelings? Or words to that effect... If you're sure she doesnt feel the same way and you cant cope then that's fair on you both. If she does feel the same after all and just hasnt let on then that will give her the opportunity to say. Do you think she hasn't a clue as to how you feel about her then?

Crazyirishgal Sun 11-Aug-19 01:48:55

Have you ever told her about your current dating situation as in does she know if you’re meeting up with other girls? Do you think is there a chance that she may feel the same? Is she going on these dates to see how you react or maybe gauge if you’re bothered by it and perhaps interested in her? You’ll never know unless you put yourself out there a bit more.
If you really like her you need to decide do you want to let her go by distancing yourself from her without her knowing why or let her know and if the feeling is not returned you’ll distance yourself anyway. I’d personally say take a chance you don’t have to hop in feet first as other posters said maybe just gently test the waters.

Crazyirishgal Sun 11-Aug-19 01:51:12

I never asked but who usually get in touch with who first? Like are you initiating all contact or her

TinklyLittleLaugh Sun 11-Aug-19 02:03:56

I’ve been with my DP for 28 years now. We were friends for about 2 years before we got together and during that time we were both seeing other people on and off. And as we later found out, we were mad about each other but trying to hide it for the sake of our friendship.

One day we went for a walk, sat down on a jetty and he just said, “Tink I’m mad about you, and I know you don’t feel the same, but if you ever, ever change your mind I will drop anything and anyone for you.”

And that was it really.

Faint heart never won fair lady OP.

Scott72 Sun 11-Aug-19 04:20:20

Life rarely works like a romantic movie. If his feelings aren't reciprocated than telling her is a bad idea.

Goateyes Sun 11-Aug-19 05:10:00

I think it would be really hard to continue a friendship with someone you knew liked you in that way if you didn't share their feelings. Thinking about my male friends, with the one who it became clear was having feelings I felt I had to put some distance in our friendship, and to be honest that was the end of it. Once someone's declared themselves, I think remaining friends is unlikely if it's one sided.

I think I would try dropping the odd hint, if she doesn't pick it up or respond, she's not interested. I think you should try dating- as happened to you, she may notice any feelings for you because you are dating others. And if she's suspecting you have feelings that she doesn't share this is also a good move.

That's what I'd do. I sympathise as it's a tricky issue and would be a shame to lose your friendship. But dating someone else might help you separate out if it's her you want or just to be in a dating scenario yourself. Good luck!

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