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Husbands affair

(152 Posts)
dancemusicsexromance Thu 08-Aug-19 04:44:30

Posted last week about my husband admitting an affair, he says it wasn't sexual but I refused to hear anymore.
Betrayal is betrayal in my eyes.
It's only been a week but I think I'm having some form of breakdown.

He said he has feelings for her and those words have been on a loop for a week in my head.

I can't sleep, haven't eaten can't concentrate.

He's gone completely AWOL also, left his car, phone and clothes and just left.

He's been abusive both physically and mentally in the past and my gut was telling me for years he would hurt me again.

I must be absolute shit and totally worthless if he can do this.

He was meeting her during work time, catching up on his work in the evening and I was feeling desperately sorry for him as he was so stressed.
Me and the kids would go over and above trying to make his home life easy because we were so worried, he's been having panic attacks recently and I rushed him to the hospital 3 weeks ago as he couldn't breathe.

He went to the dr last month for anxiety and depression and he's suffered erectile disfunction for a couple of months (guilt?)

He also told me numerous times the last few months that he would never have an affair, he loved me and would always be there for me.
(Justification for an emotional affair)

I've spent a week in shock, I'm not jealous or have the need to know any details, think that's the shock but I really don't care.
I can't barely stand up because when I do I feel dizzy. I can't function. I have no one in real life who can support me.

I need to be practical I have 2 kids.

I want to cry until I fall asleep but I can't even cry.

I feel like someone has taken my life away. Someone has stolen my future.

I'm frightened, utterly terrified and I don't know how to even attempt to get through this.

I would like to fall asleep and never wake up.

I never ever ever thought he could do this.
This has been such a bad couple of years for me. This feels like the
Final nail in the coffin.

This morning i was changing my
Underwear and my daughter walked in to my bedroom, she's 22 and she said "turn and look in the mirror at yourself" she said your pants are horrible and covered in bleach and are 5 years old. She said it's because I look after everyone else and don't take any care in myself.

Is this why he's cheated?
I hate myself.
I don't know what to do.

I'm going to use this thread as my diary. If I survive I'm going to read this in one years time and hopefully look back and thing who was that weak person.

I loved him so much.

Sorry for my ramble.

OP’s posts: |
Monty27 Thu 08-Aug-19 04:50:20

Above all times this is when you need to look after yourself
Hard times ahead

FuriousVexation Thu 08-Aug-19 05:37:20

I'm sorry, what a horrible shock for you.

If he just disappeared and left his car and phone, has he been going to work, do you know? Have you any contact with his friends or family? He can't just walk away from his life - if your younger dc are under 18 he needs to pay maintenance for a start!

The reason you're feeling dizzy is probably because you've not been able to eat. Can you ask your oldest to pick you up some soup, smoothies, maybe some protein drinks. It seems easier to get down liquids when you're off your feed due to stress/shock.

Please put out of your mind any negative thought about you deserving this treatment or that you are the shitty and worthless one. He's the shit.

You're going to be okay. Keep posting 🌷

Mileysmiley Thu 08-Aug-19 05:44:55

I don't believe it wasn't sexual to be honest. Most men stray for sex because that is top of their list before food. This site will give you a lot of support so keep posting.

dancemusicsexromance Thu 08-Aug-19 05:57:44

I know it was sexual.
I seriously have not entertained the idea that it was anything else.
Doesn't matter to me though what it was, it was secretive behaviour That he lied to me about. Whilst I was worried about his sudden decline in his mental health.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

He will be working "from home" or have phoned in sick I suppose or maybe with the other women. She's married but is in an open relationship so he's ruined his whole life for something he can't totally have.

I've never felt remotely like this before.
I don't care what happens to me, I don't care if I live or die.

OP’s posts: |
Mileysmiley Thu 08-Aug-19 06:04:50


I know you are devastated but you will get through this I promise you.

She sounds like a heartless slag! As for him ... doesn't he realise she will soon be moving on to her next conquest (I know how these women's minds work) I know you want to keep him but if you do you will never trust him again and why would you? I know I wouldn't ...

The main thing is to get through this. Do you have any family or friends to give you support? Because that is what you need right now.

dancemusicsexromance Thu 08-Aug-19 06:10:18

No, no one.
Well my kids - my daughter is 22 and my son is 16. They are being amazing.

I lost my dad last year, my son lost his best friend a few months ago, my step dad is on palliative care. It's been tough.

I could never trust him again. Ever! I can't live the rest of my days with distrust.

My mum loves him, and my sister they think if he wants me back I should go back to how things were. I can't.

I've posted here because I've seen the support given to other people, I'm really at my lowest point and need to reach out. Just so I don't feel so alone.

OP’s posts: |
Mileysmiley Thu 08-Aug-19 06:12:26

You need support op .. look for someone to confide in who you trust completely.

Itsallgonewoowoo Thu 08-Aug-19 06:57:57

You've been dealt a huge blow, be kind to yourself. His cheating is about him, not you but I know the negative thoughts will creep in keep batting them away. Eat and drink, I found soup good, force yourself.
It will get better and you will realise he's not worth you.

Singlenotsingle Thu 08-Aug-19 07:03:21

So he's gone? Probably the best thing, tbh. It'll save you the bother of trying to get him to leave. He's been physically and mentally abusive in the past, he's having an affair, and he's probably in the throes of a mid life crisis. You'll be alright. In fact you're better off without him.

Mummaofmytribe Thu 08-Aug-19 07:03:49

Get to the GP. You may need a referral for counselling. They may also be able to advise on nutrition as you're finding it so hard to eat.
Have someone go with you to see a solicitor so you can find out where you stand legally and financially .
You will get through this horrible shock, just take steps to look after yourself.
And he hasn't done this because of your pants or anything else wrong with you!!

Podwoman888 Thu 08-Aug-19 07:04:30

I'm sorry this has happened to you and I understand how wretched you must feel.

May I suggest you look at Chumplady's site and also at for some support. HTH

Remember that none of this is about you, it's all about him. Please do not blame yourself for his appalling behaviour.

Stay strong x

Fizzysours Thu 08-Aug-19 07:08:35

Sounds like your daughter feels you have a higher value than you realise. Try to do a tiny nice thing for yourself each day. Really tiny and it will feel pointless. If money isn't tight, perhaps you could take your daughter for a coffee and buy some nice undies each? I am aware this sounds silly in the face of your husband's unbelievably shitty behaviour. But tiny daily things. One day you will catch yourself feeling ok fir 30 minutes, then an WILL feel better one day xxxxx

SummerSix Thu 08-Aug-19 07:12:26

He's an abusive cheat. Why are you looking for a reason to stay?

dancemusicsexromance Thu 08-Aug-19 07:15:54

It's just so hard.
New pants bought yesterday - well a cheap pack from Asda. Yesterday I felt strong but I haven't slept a wink.

I don't want him back and in my mum and sisters eyes that means I don't love him,
I really do. I cuddled him all night one night last week and stroked his head because he was so anxious.

I loved him loyally and so fiercely.

OP’s posts: |
Fizzysours Thu 08-Aug-19 07:17:46

Get angry. The man was turning to YOU to get help for anxiety caused by his AFFAIR. need a tiny treat for today if pants are bought!!

Tiredtessy Thu 08-Aug-19 07:30:27

He betrayed you when he was first abusive to you. I cant believe how many people think he is so great. I grew up in a household like that and would never have that round my child as history can repeat itself. Take charge and walk away from him before he batters your self confidence even more or destroys your children, he sounds awful.

Ozziewozzie Thu 08-Aug-19 07:30:46

We’ve got you. Right here if you need us.
You’re in shock. It feels awful. You will be feeling awful. Let yourself cry, it’s exhausting, but you’ll sleep well!
Soup, roast chicken ( pre cooked) milk shakes, just close your eyes and get it in you.
The tears will stop and the anger will rise. It’s the anger which drives us forward to surviving this.

I know you love him. But see him as he IS.
You cared for him whilst he was struggling ( because you are a very good wife)
Now you are floored, he walks away. He’s behaving like this because he’s incapable of loving you now. He’s left your children to watching their mother effectively drown in her sorrow and hurt whilst he runs to his new fuck buddy.
Think of your daughter and son. Show them they deserve to be treated better than this by standing up, slapping yourself around the face, buying yourself some pretty new knickers. Get your daughter to help you with making yourself fell better. Lean on each other. It will tough for you both.
Cry today. Smash a couple of plates (or his stuff grin) in the bath. Safer. Very therapeutic. Get your kids involved as a way to release anger.

FuriousVexation Thu 08-Aug-19 07:38:09

Your DD sounds lovely and a credit to you. How are she and your DS coping?

TheStuffedPenguin Thu 08-Aug-19 07:45:34

There is nothing that you have said which will not have been felt by people on here - myself included. You are totally normal in that respect . Your feelings are all over the place and will be for a long time BUT I see your determination that this is enough ! Your strength is there . It has just taken a bit of a battering currently.

People do not cheat because they hate their partner - they cheat because of themself - their own feelings so throw that one right out the door.

One day you will look back at this and it will be a distant memory and you will be grateful to be free of him . For now its just one day at a time - keep hydrated and try to eat some soup or similar. Sleep when you feel tired as I expect you only sleep for short periods of time . Keep posting for support . You will get through this.

dancemusicsexromance Thu 08-Aug-19 07:49:01

They hate him. Obviously that won't last but they are aghast at his behaviour.

They have been telling me for years he's not good enough for me.

They are both amazing kids and they adore each other so I know they are talking.
Yes my family adore him, friends adore him.

My family think this is a blip and it will be ok.
I haven't slept all night but I feel like my head is exploding.

If someone offered me a bullet right now I would be grateful.

OP’s posts: |
bakingbabyv Thu 08-Aug-19 07:53:29

OP this is so horrid to read. I'm sorry you're in such a dark place.

Please please speak to someone, you need support and a shoulder to cry on. Do you have anyone who you can talk to who isn't your mum or sister?


Ozziewozzie Thu 08-Aug-19 07:55:25

It is a blip. A permanent one. And it will be ok. X

dancemusicsexromance Thu 08-Aug-19 07:57:56

No, I really don't. There are a million superficial people I could but I just can't even bring myself to vocalise what I'm going through.

I've read enough of these threads and know the practical side of it. I'm just terrified.

It hurts.

But I'm writing this so if I make it to next year I can read it back and see how far I've come.

OP’s posts: |
Desmondo2016 Thu 08-Aug-19 07:58:15

OP you have been so brave in posting.

I am worried about the depth of your feelings, please will you go and see a gp before the feelings of self harm worsen into actions OF self harm?

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