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How would you handle my mother...?(10 Posts)
...because she is driving me insane.
Since I got pregnant my mother has gone into overdrive, worrying about me, phoning myself and dh constantly to check that I am OK and fretting about ante-natal appointments until I phone to tell her that all is well. I don't know how much more of it I can stand.
Now my mother and I are close and chat about most things and I love that aspect of our lives. But how do I get her to cool down enough to let me get on with just being pregnant?
I've already told her that she needs to calm down. I've explained that she's making me more stressed than I need to be and that I am now starting to feel responsible for her worrying. She's already decided that the moment I go into labour she's coming to the hospital (I'm only 15 bloody weeks now!) and all this means that I am no longer being honest with her about the pregnancy just to keep her off my back. Now, I'm not even going to let her know that I'm in labour until the head's popped out. I used to be open about things but not any longer and I hate that I can't be honest.
The thing is that my mum, dad and I are v close. My brother died when he was 16 (20 years ago) and it's made my mother worry even more about me, her only remaining child. She also had a traumatic time with me when I was born and this is something else that's always bothered her. I try to factor this into things and give her room to be neurotic but this pregnancy is turning out to be the final straw.
She's a cracker, my mam, so don't get the wrong end of the stick. She's not one of these MIL type harridans! So how can I handle this without damaging our relationship?
Well, you could try turning the tables a bit. If your mum has some health issue, however minor, start ringing her 6 times a day to ask if she is alright, and has she eaten properly, and how did her appointment go etc. Or if she hasn't got a health problem, then ring anyway and ask if she's eating properly, and did she sleep well, and if she didn't, should she have a nap... When you have driven her mad for a couple of weeks, take her out for lunch and have a chat about just how irritating it is when someone is smothering you with love.
Anyway, I can tell you love your mum to bits, so I have no doubt you will find a way to communicate with her about this. When I was pregnant, I started calling my mum a lot more frequently than I did previously, and she was with me all through labour, which I really appreciated, as dh is not good in hospitals.
Oh dear, my mum was the same when I was pregnant!
I really didn't do anything about it as didn't want to offend her, I just put up with it im afraid.
I took my mum to meet my midwife (we keep the same one right through in NZ) and then instructed my midwife at the next appointment to be firm with her. So when she called 4 times while I was in labour the midwife just shouted to the receptionist "soon" the first time "still soon" the second time, "how long is a piece of string" the third and "she'll call when she has something to tell her" the fourth.
That's a bit of a delicate one, isn't it? I can understand why she might be overprotective and pg hormones will also make you feel a bit more 'hemmed' in aswell. (Well they did with me). Can you explain that you're feeling a bit worn down with the constant worry that she seems to be experiencing, I know you already have but, you don't say how she reacted to this. I'd probably mention that you have no intention of excluding her but you'd like her to be a bit less 'full on'. Only you know how she would react to that tho'.
try "mum I love you but you're nutty as a fruitbat and driving me insane. I'm ok, baby's ok you need to relax"
i banned phone calls between 9am and 5pm and 9 pm til 8am when i was pg, i told everyone i slept when i could and people kept waking me up phoning. it was partly true
Tbh, it sounds a bit like your mum is projecting all her fears about life onto you. You being pregnant has obviously brought back a lot of feelings about your brother and her own traumatic experience of giving birth. While it's sad for her, she can't do this to you, it's not fair and she may be in danger in spoiling a special time for you with her own issues. It's not that she is doing it deliberately of course, but she's doing it nonetheless. Can you suggest she talks to someone else about the worries she's having. What did she say when you told her she was stressing you out?
I had the same with my mum, i let things go with her as i was more stressed out with pil making stupid comments.
The one thing i found was that my mum carried on with her worrying and checking on me after ds was born and up til 6 months or so till i finally had to say something and start making a few boundaries, so in hindsight i probably would of made them sooner but you can't predict what things are going to be like when you first have a baby.
Maybe if she is getting very stressed with your appointments don't tell her you're going, just say i had a check recently, everything is normal
Could you have a word with your dad about how you are feeling, and ask him to try explain to your mum.
I had a similar problem with mil when pregnant with dd. It took DH having a quite word with his dad to get her to back off. FIL had to explain to MIL that i had my own mum so she would never be my first point of contact for help.
Don't get me wrong MIL is a realy lovely person also a nurse, so she tends to smother when your are ill or pregnant, and i the type of person to just get on with things and i can not stand to be smothered. Both dh and my mum don't ask everyday how i am as they knows that i'll will ask for help if i need it.
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