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Wtf is going on with dh

(691 Posts)
holidayharpie Mon 29-Jul-19 23:36:15

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples
1) unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2) constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3) his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4) biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5) eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6) greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7) sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

CIareIsland Tue 13-Aug-19 09:41:25

I find the posts saying I am harming my dc very harsh and I need to feel positive about myself and my parenting skills to do what I need to.

No one is saying that you are PROACTIVELY harming your children.

You have done everything - turning yourself inside out - to accommodate and minimise his impact on your children. Your only mistake is to have tried too hard for too long. Others would have been out of there long ago, but you were brought up in dysfunctional environment so your tolerance of bad behaviour is far too high.

But there is a line well and truly crossed by his deteriorating behaviour where you are now unable to protect them any longer and YOU are now aware that he is emotionally harming them.

So from this point on you have to take responsibility for enabling and exposing them to harm if YOU choose to change nothing.

You know that he will not or cannot change. You know that his behaviour is escalating and your know it harms your children. The only person who can protect your children here is you. It is now well beyond the place of you plate spinning to keep you all under one roof. They need rescuing and removal from the situation.

This isn’t about blame - you have done nothing wrong - but it is about responsibility. Imagine young children are in a house in fire, you didn’t start it, you can’t put it out either - but you don’t leave them there.

I do hope that you find strength and support in RL, also from a professional counsellor to understand and overcome your own difficult childhood traumas which are holding you back from getting your children out of this situation.

NettleTea Tue 13-Aug-19 19:28:06



This last category is not actually separate from the others; an abusive man of any of the aforementioned styles can also have psychiatric or substance-abuse problems, although the majority do not. Even when mental illness or addiction is a factor, it is not the cause of a man's abuse of his partner, but it can contribute to the severity of his problem and his resistance to change. When these additional problems are present, it is important to be aware of the following points:

1. Certain mental illnesses can increase the chance that an abuser will be dangerous and use physical violence. These include paranoia, severe depression, delusions or hallucinations (psychosis), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and antisocial personality disorder known as psychopathy or sociopathy). These psychiatric conditions also make it next to impossible for an abuser to change, at least until the mental illness has been brought under control through therapy and/or medication, which can take years. Even if the mental illness is properly treated, his abusiveness won't necessarily change.

2. An abuser's reactions to going on or off medication are unpredictable. A woman should take extra precautions for her safety at such a time. Abusers tend to go off medication before long—I have had few clients who were consistent and responsible about taking their meds in the long term. They don't like the side effects, and they are too selfish to care about the implications of the mental illness for their partners or children.

3. The potential danger of a mentally ill abuser has to be assessed by looking at the severity of his psychiatric symptoms in combination with the severity of his abuse characteristics. Looking at his psychiatric symptoms alone can lead to underestimating how dangerous he is.

4. Antisocial personality disorder is present in only a small percentage of abusers but can be important. Those who suffer from this condition lack a conscience and thus are repeatedly involved in behaviors that are harmful to others. Some signs of this condition include: (a) He started getting into illegal behavior when he was still a teenager; (b) his dishonest or aggressive behavior involves situations unrelated to his partner, rather than being restricted to her; (c) he periodically gets into trouble at workplaces or in other contexts for stealing, threatening, or refusing to follow instructions and is likely to have a considerable criminal record by about age thirty, though the offenses may be largely minor ones; (d) he is severely and chronically irresponsible in a way that disrupts the lives of others or creates danger; and (e) he tends to cheat on women a lot, turn them against each other, and maintain shallow relationships with them. The psychopath's physical violence is not necessarily severe, contrary to the popular image, but he may be very dangerous nonetheless. Antisocial personality disorder is very difficult to change through therapy, and there is no effective medication for treating it. It is highly compatible with abusiveness toward women.

5. Those who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder have a highly distorted self-image. They are unable to accept that they might have faults and therefore are unable to imagine how other people perceive them. This condition is highly compatible with abusiveness, though it is present in only a small percentage of abusive men. Clues to the presence of this disorder include: (a) Your partner's self-centeredness is severe, and it carries over into situations that don't involve you; (b) he seems to relate everything back to himself; and (c) he is outraged whenever anyone criticizes him and is incapable of considering that he could ever be anything other than kind and generous. This disorder is highly resistant to therapy and is not treatable with medication. The abuser with this disorder is not able to change substantially through an abuser program either, although he sometimes makes some minor improvements.

6. Many abusers who are not mentally ill want women to think that they are, in order to avoid responsibility for their attitudes and behavior.

Substance abuse, like mental illness, does not cause partner abuse but can increase the risk of violence. Like the mentally ill abuser, the addicted abuser doesn't change unless he deals with his addiction, and even that is only the first step. Chapter 8 examines the role that substances play in partner abuse.

The attitudes driving the mentally ill or addicted batterer are the same as those of other abusers and will likely follow the pattern of one of the nine styles described above. In addition, the following attitudes tend to be present:

• I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological or substance problems.

• If you challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean to me, considering these other problems I have. It also shows that you don't understand my other problems.

• I'm not abusive, I'm just———(alcoholic, drug addicted, manic-depressive, an adult child of alcoholics, or whatever his condition may be).

• If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness, and you'll be responsible for what I do.

Although I have focused on the emotionally abusive styles of these different kinds of abusers, any of them may also use physical violence, including sexual assault. Although the Terrorist and the Drill Sergeant are especially likely to become dangerous, they are not the only ones who may do so. Many abusers occasionally use physical violence or threats as a way to intimidate you when they feel that their power or control over you is slipping; violence for them is a kind of trump card they use when their normal patterns of psychological abuse are not getting them the degree of control they feel entitled to. If you are concerned about how dangerous your partner may be, see Is He Going to Get Violent? in Chapter 6 and Leaving an Abuser Safely in Chapter 9.

Allmyarseandpeggymartin Wed 14-Aug-19 07:51:24

The op has disappeared so I don’t think there is any point

flamingjune123 Wed 14-Aug-19 08:08:37

Do you think he could be mis using steroids?
Oh and the Mirtzapine would not be giving him these sorts of behaviours

peekyboo Wed 14-Aug-19 19:43:50

Sadly I think the OP will be back again under a different username with another variation on this theme.

And in a few years, her kids will have fled the home, either doomed to repeat the same relationship models or, please to everything good in the world, determined to undo the damage caused by all this.

holidayharpie Wed 14-Aug-19 21:35:12

I'm still here. Very busy. We had a flood and it's been a lot to deal with, and back to work has been challenging.
Things are moving. It's hard work but it is changing.
DH is experiencing a physical collapse which is very sad, his beautiful body is gaining a huge amount of weight, his posture has become very poor and he is stooped. He looks dishevelled and unkempt. It is hard. I still love him but accept I cannot change him. I am heartbroken but moving forward. Please try not to be harsh.
DC are good, very enthusiastic about activities I have arranged for them.
I have a beautiful print of Frida next to my bed. I am heartbroken, but not broken. I can do this. I am strong.

YKNOTC Wed 14-Aug-19 21:55:44

You really are strong, op. Keep on keeping on. It will get better. It’s enormously hard, but it won’t be forever.

@OhioOhioOhio I’d love to say that there was a magical moment, but a lot of it came down to his kindness. He was thoughtful and gentle and never made me feel that tension in my gut. I was very wary at first - terrified that my radar was all wrong and I was going to end up hurt again.

It helped to look back at my relationship with XH and work out all the red flags that I’d ignored. There were many times in our early relationship when he was dismissive or selfish and I’d overridden my gut about it. I promised I wouldn’t put up with anything less than kindness and respect.

Actually the biggest thing was that I had got to a point where I was happy alone. I didn’t need him, so I wasn’t willing to put up with anyone who didn’t bring something to my life.

Sorry for the derail, op. You are doing brilliantly flowers

beenwhereyouare Thu 15-Aug-19 07:32:28

I'm not being harsh, but has he been checked out for physical problems yet?

It's obvious that he needs medical care and soon. In fact, he has for weeks now. You don't have to stay married, but he's still your husband. Whether or not he's mentally abusive and mentally ill is beside the point right now. He has worsening physical symptoms that could be Parkinson's, tardive dyskinesia, or another movement disorder. It could be treatable but may become terminal.

Please get him to a doctor, or find someone else to do it. Before it becomes a problem you or your children will have to deal with forever.

blackcat86 Thu 15-Aug-19 07:36:30

You seem very evasive of seeking any proper support OP. I wonder (I mean this in an understanding way) if you're slightly enjoying seeing him deteriorate given all he has done to you. He can be an arsehole that you need to leave and also be very unwell and need medical help. You seem happy to go about your day with someone in your home who clearly needs to a doctor and yet you just ignore this. I'm just wondering why you're not acting?

PeculiarBerries Thu 15-Aug-19 07:37:42


ThanksMateThanksMate Thu 15-Aug-19 08:56:05


kissmewherethesundontshine Thu 15-Aug-19 08:56:40

I really feel for you but more so your children who don't have the choice to leave. Please find the strength to break this pattern of abuse for them. You said you grew up with a mum who was with an abuser, now you are, you don't want the same for your DD and your DS to turn into his dad just as his father has.
It's probably not what you want to hear, I'm sure your not a bad mum and it's not a criticism on you but you need to show them you don't put up with abuse thanks

MyOtherProfile Thu 15-Aug-19 09:17:46

I think a lot of posters are jumping to conclusions here. We don't know what steps the OP has taken since she got home and can't assume she is doing nothing.

TatianaLarina Thu 15-Aug-19 09:39:40

I can’t comment on what OP has been up to but it doesn’t sound as if he’s had medical attention.

I’m not in any way implying that’s OP’s fault - it can be very difficult to get recalcitrant men to the doctor, but not necessarily impossible.

Hawkmoth Mon 26-Aug-19 23:27:52

I'm worried that there's no update. Hope all is ok.

FloatingObject Wed 28-Aug-19 06:17:39

Just read this whole thread. I hope you're okay OP xxx

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