I need some support please

[triangletrifle]

This will be long...

My dd is 10. I split from her dad years ago, he was, and still is, an abusive animal. We went into a refuge and I managed to keep him away when we returned to the area where my family live. I had to get a non-molestation order and the court also granted a 'lives with' order too.
He moved back to the area and was abusive again, but just verbally not physically - this was after the non-molestation order had run out. I reported every incident and he was arrested and released four times, sometimes NFA and twice he was charged and fined.
The police officer who was supporting me encouraged me to tell them everything from when we were together and I ultimately disclosed everything including rape and sexual assault as well as some pretty horrendous violence. I gave a statement and was supported by rape crisis but I decided not to pursue charges for lots of reasons, the main one being that I just wanted to move in from it all really and I didn't have the mental strength to go to court etc.

The last time (I've since moved away from the area) I saw him in the street, he said that he knew I had made a rape complaint against him. At the time I was confused how he knew since as far as I was aware the police had never actually spoken to him but I just didn't think about it too much because it's too painful.

Fast forward to yesterday, my daughter was sad and said that she was concerned about her dad and just wanted to know if he was okay. She kind of understands that she can't have contact with him (not that he's ever tried anyway) so I thought I would message his sister, who doesn't live in the UK and just ask if she knew how he was as my dd wanted to know. Stupidly, I let myself get drawn into a bit of an argument with her and one of the things she said, as well as lots of other untrue stuff, was that she had a police officer friend who had told her all about my rape claims and she knew I didn't take it further. I also know that she does have a serving police officer friend who lived near me but I have never spoken to! Is this how my ex knows? I feel absolutely devastated, I haven't been able to eat or sleep and feel traumatised - is this a normal reaction? How did she know otherwise!? I bared my heart and soul to that officer and now it seems other people have read my statement and my reasons for not taking it further and gossiped about it. And now I feel vulnerable again when I was finally feeling like I had moved on.

Not sure what I'm asking for really, I'm feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

[Nothavingfunrightnow]

It sounds like someone in a position of trust has spoken out of turn. That is a terrible, terrible breach of confidentiality. I do not know who you would raise this with. However, I think going back to Rape Crisis to get help with this would be a starting point.

This is a serious situation and one that you have every right - legally, morally and ethnically - in which to be vindicated.

Please don't let this lie.

[Pantsomime]

Oh OP betrayal is heart wrenching. I think 2 things here-1. Unprofessionalism of the police woman - a complaint is the way here BUT the bigger question I think is 2. Now that he knows will you feel worse in pursuing matters against him than you do now? I
Suspect not as it seems as if he’s going to taunt you. Can you seek advice from a solicitor first as the best way to approach the police and given the apparent breaches of confidence/ disclosure etc should the case against your ex-if you go go forward with it- be progressed by another force. You may
Benefit from some counselling too. None of this is your fault- sending you strength - you will get through this although it will take time and not be easy, good luck

[triangletrifle]

Thank you @Nothavingfunrightnow I will contact rape crisis. I keep bursting into tears every five minutes, I feel sick at the thought that someone who I don't know has accessed my statement and then called someone up and told them all about it. Like it's some gossip to use against me - I mean she must've given him my details for him to know what to search for.

For the first time in a long time, I finally felt free of him and not constantly on guard or having to change things to avoid 'bumping' into him. My anxiety is not keeping me awake at night and me and DD are happy. Now I feel like I've gone back years.

I'll speak to someone tomorrow or Thursday and get some advice and see what can be done. I'm truly devastated.

[WhatTheAbsoluteFuck]

OP

I’m so sorry. This is beyond horrible.

If you’re up to it, after speaking to the rape crisis team, please do report it.

What a complete tosser that police officer is. Doesn’t matter if he knows the man and his family personally, he should not be giving that information out

[triangletrifle]

@Pantsomime I haven't even thought of that. If I did want to pursue it, which the officer said would be an option anytime I felt able, he already knows and will have had all this time to deny it! That's absolutely not right!. There is no other evidence other than my word. That wouldn't be possible now will it?

I feel completely broken again.

To clarify, the officer friend is not the same as the officer who took my statement or supported me. This officer has never been involved with anything to do with me as far as I know.

[triangletrifle]

I'm 90% sure that I did put what he said to me about knowing in my statement back then when he was abusive in the street. His sister also told me what she knew in a voice note sent over FB messenger although she didn't who told exactly, just that she had a police officer friend who had told her - I'm assuming it's the officer who lived in the same place as I knew they had been friends for years but I don't know for sure. Surely, the police will be able to trace who have accessed my info on their database and see that it was not for legitimate reasons?

[triangletrifle]

I didn't sleep well at all but that may have been because of the heat!

I've been looking online and I'm going to raise a complaint directly with the forces' data controller and then go from there. Should I keep it factual for the moment or should I explain how it's made me feel?

[RushianDisney]

Op I'm so sorry this has happened to you, I understand how devastated and violated you must feel. You need to report this, thankfully you seem to have concrete evidence of exes sister saying someone in the police told her. That police officer needs to lose their job, they are clearly not to be trusted with sensitive, confidential information.

[triangletrifle]

Thank you. I will report and make a complaint.
I've drafted an email which I will send today.

Although I feel absolutely awful, I will try and focus on dd for now. I really thought I would be able to move on from all the trauma but I guess these things never really go away, do they?

[Fizzysours]

This is horrible. You are so brave. Raising the complaint will make it safer for women in the future. You're really inspirational! I really hope you have a better week now and feel a bit more of the peace you deserve and fought so hard for xxxxx

[LlamaofDrama]

No advice but just a hand hold. What a horrible position to be put into. Good luck with the data controller and with feeling like you can re take control.