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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

STBXH showed up with a big, fat hickey

49 replies

MartaBonnie · 23/07/2019 11:21

NCed for this, as I am concerned it will be outing, but please tell me if I am being unreasonable in being annoyed with this.

STBXH and I amicably and mutually agreed to separate 4 months ago, he moved out 2 months ago and we share custody of DC 50/50. All good, coparent well and are fairly friendly.

Yesterday he showed up to collect the DC wearing a shirt with the collar buttoned all the way up. He never wears shirts like that, so it looked a bit odd. Then he bent down to help DS with something, and I caught a glimpse of what was clearly a big, fat, red hickey! It was so clearly visible, barely disguised by the collar.

I get that we have split up and we are free to see other people, but it feels like a disrespectful kick in the teeth that he is clearly seeing someone so soon and not even trying to hide it that well! Sleep around if you want but be discreet ffs!!

Our DC are 4 and 7, so thankfully they wouldn't be able to understand what the mark is, but all our mutual friends and acquaintances would immediately realise what that is, and I think it will make them feel sorry for me? Like the pathetic woman whose husband is already having great sex with someone else?

AIBU to feel annoyed at this? I don't understand if my reaction is irrational or if it is normal for me to feel disrespected?

OP posts:

Report

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/07/2019 11:24

FGS is he 13?

It's pathetic. Shrug it off.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/07/2019 11:25

As it he's pathetic I mean! Absolutely not you!

MartaBonnie · 23/07/2019 11:26

I mean who's the woman who even leaves a hickey on a grown man? He must have hooked up with a teenager!!

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 23/07/2019 11:32

They're grim but I don't think it's any of your business anymore.
You agreed to split and he's moving on. When would it not be too soon? When you've met someone new too? That's not exactly how it works unfortunately, but I do understand why you feel the way you do, and I think we all have the same opinion of whoever this 'woman' is...

Shelby42 · 23/07/2019 11:35

I'm seeing someone casually and he has been split for a few years now and he wouldn't let me give him a hickey as would never want his kids to see. I think that's a respectful way to be really.

NoBaggyPants · 23/07/2019 11:36

It's been four months. How long did you want him to wait?

NoBaggyPants · 23/07/2019 11:38

@Shelby42 Did you want to give him a love bite?

SD1978 · 23/07/2019 11:39

In fairness though- he did try- albeit not terribly successfully to cover it up- you say he had a shirt fully buttoned, and saw it when he bent down- he didn't flaunt it. You may not be ready to be out and meeting people- but he may be- or maybe a one off. Regardless, as long as it is t affecting his parenting, or his reliability, it's worth an internal eye roll only, it's tacky but not your problem.

dellacucina · 23/07/2019 11:40

This is annoying, but you are being unreasonable. He clearly was trying to hide it (presumably out of respect for you), but he has no obligation not to see other people if you're broken up.

SandyY2K · 23/07/2019 11:46

I'm sorry but YABU. You split amicably and he's free to move on.

It's not like he was flaunting it for you to see.

I see no disrespect in what he's done and it does come across like you're a tiny bit jealous.

crankyassnoperope · 23/07/2019 11:54

Well of course it's going to feel like a kick in the teeth, don't beat yourself up.

Is it a kick in the teeth you should do anything about? No. Is it really that much of a slight? No. Does it still feel like crap? Yes, hell yes it does.

Don't be hard on yourself, just remind yourself of all the reasons why he wasn't right for you, what you have to look forward to without him, and how good a co-parenting relationship with him will be for the kids. And if at any time you feel the need, eat ice-cream with you friends and have a good cry. Break-ups are sad, even when you wanted them to happen.

Shelby42 · 23/07/2019 11:54

@NoBaggyPants yes but only because I love stuff like that on me even though doesn't show up on my dark skin. I never realised people think it looks bad before till my ex said it!

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/07/2019 11:57

I mean who's the woman who even leaves a hickey on a grown man? He must have hooked up with a teenager!!

Sunshineandflipflops · 23/07/2019 12:05

To be fair, by the time he realised it was probably too late! You often don't know you're getting one until you've got one and at least he tried to cover it up. A bit more difficult in this weather too!

Slowslowlavaflow · 23/07/2019 12:19

Not irrational. Sounds more like you are annoyed that he is moving on, which is normal to feel when you used to be the one being intimate with him. Especially when he is being intimate after only a few months of separation. Whilst a love bite on a grown man is extremely tacky, perhaps it's not the love bite itself, but the fact it represents him moving on. You feeling disrespected and potentially hurt that it is happening so fast, makes complete sense. I hope you are also moving on, meeting other people and trying to have a new relationship?! In time it won't matter so much, instead you are within your right to think he and whoever he is sleeping with are just being cheap, and think yourself completely above that.

raspberryk · 23/07/2019 12:22

You're being unreasonable

flumpybear · 23/07/2019 12:26

Move on

Besides he probably got a mate --- or the Hoover to do it to make you think he's got somebody else

Shoxfordian · 23/07/2019 12:57

He was trying to hide it with the shirt
Yabu, move on as well

LilouBlue · 23/07/2019 13:04

He has a hickey so must be "sleeping around?" is an unfair judgement. Sleeping with someone obviously, not necessarily multiple people. As for the comment about hooking up with a teenager

You are of course entitled to your opinions about them, but he did try to hide it, albeit unsuccessfully, and it's none of your business who he sleeps with now.

MartaBonnie · 23/07/2019 13:25

Ok, so it seems like I am being unreasonable after all.. I just find the whole thing hurtful and unnecessary so soon after separation. After all we made it official only 2 months ago..

OP posts:

LightDrizzle · 23/07/2019 13:32

I understand being a bit hurt, but the hickey thing is so ridiculous and infantile that I think it would help me get over it.

TwistyTop · 23/07/2019 13:37

YABU. It's none of your business.

But secretly I'd be laughing to myself. A Hickey?! At his age? And he obviously wanted you to see it. What a loser

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CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/07/2019 13:37

No. YANBI.. but put it in the "That's another reason to be apart" bin!

AE18 · 23/07/2019 13:47

He clearly was trying to hide it by wearing the shirt. Tbh I don't see how he's done anything wrong. It's usually the giver of the hickey that initiates it not the receiver, so it's unlikely he asked her to do it, but he's not exactly going to stop her and say "don't do that my ex wife might see it" if he's enjoying himself. He hasn't gone out of his way to flaunt it, the person he was sleeping with got carried away and like most people he covered it up with a collar in public.🤷‍♀️

category12 · 23/07/2019 13:48

It's not disrespectful, he wasn't trying to show it to you.

It's two months on; realistically, how long did you expect him to be celibate? I get that it's tough when the other person moves on first, but he's not doing anything wrong.

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