No family support

[acornfed]

I am a mum of three young kids

Over the last 2 years I have, through professional help after a near total psychological collapse, I finally pieced together I have been the family scapegoat and severely emotionally abused throughout my childhood and adulthood by my family of origin which is a highly toxic narcissistic unit.

The realisation was devastating and I can only relate it to grief. I have had to walk away from my family of origin and the concept that I was loved and respected. The truth is I have never been loved or respected in that family unit.

To protect my emotional health and that of my family and walk away was the hardest thing I have ever done. Of course I am being blamed and smeared for doing so by my siblings - feeding into the narrative that "I am bad."

Anyone else been on this situation? Does it ever get better. I feel a huge sense of emptiness and loss. I look around me and all these families on trips with grandparents and the happy social media photos of people on extended family holidays makes me feel so upset I don't have that.

My husband is great. Ever supportive.

I am reaching out for support on this fora as I find it's a painfully isolating experience that few understand.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi

What you describe is very much typical of what happens to scapegoats in narcissistic family structures. The grief process is very real too. You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. What happened to you also was NOT your fault in any way.

Have a look at and post on the long running "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. You will find support there too.

Ignore social media postings; a lot of this is simply for the camera and to make their lives look good to other people.

I would also read the websites Out of the Fog and Daughters of narcissistic mothers (if your mother is a narcissist).

Am glad to read your H is supportive; if his parents too are nice and importantly emotionally healthy then all well and good.

[Harmony83]

Hiya. I could have written this myself. I have been going through this for the last year and I'm not exaggerating when I say it's been the most painful, devastating process.
I too am the family scapegoat, and am also NC with my entire foo.
I am being smeared, stalked, terrorised by family members/extended family that point blank refuse to allow me to leave my role as the family punching bag. Every day is a battle, but I am just starting to feel I have more good days than bad.
Not sure I can offer any advice as I am by no means out the other side yet, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
It's not your fault. You're doing the right thing for your children by staying away. You are breaking the cycle of abuse which is the most admirable thing you can do.
Every time I get consumed by FOG I just think I'm protecting my kids from the horrendous emotional abuse I was subjected to. They will never know bullying like I did.
You survived the abuse, you can survive the recovery x

[springydaff]

I'm sure you know all about it op and don't need any lessons.

Ime it is people who have experienced the same pain that are soothing for me, not just information.

To that end, yes, I have experienced the same. It is a constant source of grief, particularly at the moment as, for various reasons, I am hearing about/from them a lot. My (adult) children also have full relationships with them which doesn't help.

Cold turkey is the best way. No contact, no information. Some on here promote blaming, castigating, hating them but that just puts off the grief imo, stuffing it up a side road where it festers, making us the perpetual victim.

Yes we were given a bad hand in life but imo there's nothing for it but to go through the grief. It isn't easy at all - and yes we do go through periods of hating, blaming, castigating them but it's important to exhaust that and come out the other side.

I went to ACA for a while which was quite helpful though I've not continued.
Do give it a go.

We're orphans really

[springydaff]

ACA

[acornfed]

Thank you so much for your support.

It's exactly how I feel. I feel like an orphan.

You survived the abuse, you can survive the recovery - this give me some hope.


Last time I spoke to my mum I spoke from the heart and told her how deeply I had been affected and how much I feel hurt and damaged by her behaviour over decades . She sat on it for 3 weeks and then told me I needed to "grow up" and told I've been Trouble since I was 11.

I told her the family had driven me to suicidal thoughts. She acknowledged it briefly and then went onto to criticise me about something very minor.

A part of me died. I knew there was no hope.

I've been marked out as trouble since I was a child. My siblings use me setting boundaries as a stick to beat me with again and again. Even when I was punched when I was younger it was me that was blamed.

I tried to confide in my dad but he just buried his head in the sand. He's 80 - he wants a quiet life. My cousins can't hear a word against my family- to them they are perfect (my family are better off than theirs and my mum used money to win affection)

Through therapy I realised my FOO is why I can't readily trust others and why I have such self doubt all my life. Therapy helped me join all the dots and the realisation has left me feel so angry, betrayed, misunderstood but above all so so sad.

In my darkest moments I wonder if I am going to walk around feeling like a massive failure forever.

[springydaff]

Nope you aren't. It's not you who is the failure, do you see? It's them!

Who would need to do that, to dump all their collective shit on one person in order to feel OK? Some very fucked up people, that's who.

[acornfed]

Thank you. I know it's them and my husband knows it's them . But to society and the wider family and FOO family friends , I am just a bitter, angry, crazy person who made their elderly parents utterly miserable in their last years by being estranged from them

I can't shake the stigma from my head

[springydaff]

I do see my elderly parents now. I suppose I've done a lot of work and, I guess, some forgiving. I see them as people with special needs.

Mind, I have to keep a close eye on my mh. For a long long time I was low contact bcs this was all I could handle. Now I see them regularly, I look after them. They are so old, frail and pathetic. One is the villain, the other the enabler.

One thing is absolutely certain: they will NEVER see what they've done. Never ever ever. Because they are sick and this is how their sickness plays out.

I'm not a martyr to look after my parents. I am again considering moving to south america absenting myself. Which I am free to do.

[springydaff]

I don't mean topping myself when I say absenting myself!

I am not going to be defined by what they did to me. It has very seriously disabled me my whole life - only those of us who have had it understand how utterly decimating it is in all areas of life - but I don't want that to be the end of the story. I want another, better, lovely, great story that defines who I am.

Any should they define who I am? It would be like asking chipmunks my worth, which would be absurd.

[acornfed]

What about your siblings Springydaff?

How long did it take you to get to the point you did? What other things helped you reach that point?

[springydaff]

*Why not Any

[springydaff]

My siblings can go fuck themselves.

Sigh, still some forgiving to do

[rightteous]

Yep I can relate. At least you have a supportive husband. I don’t even have that. I’m totally lonely in this. Sometimes I wish I’d never had a family as it’s just too hard doing all of this without a support network.

[acornfed]

Utterly decimating in so many ways. You are so right.

I cannot trust my own thoughts, I am crippled with low self esteem all my life. I find it very hard to trust people. Sometimes I feel I can't really feel the love of my own children. I feel numb and unable to feel a lot of the time.

I need to somehow get myself together and stop focussing on my past and live in the future

[acornfed]

Rightteous- that is so hard. The evil thing is that the legacy of Narcissistic abuse seems to sabotage romantic relationships. It's a terrible poison

[madcatladyforever]

Exactly my situation too OP, at around 60 years old I've decided to move hundreds of miles away and will be gone soon. I simply cannot deal with it anymore.
The pain of it has become unbearable.
I have DS but nobody else. I intend to make good friends and live my life. They will never understand the person they have lost and what they could have had and never will until it's too late but that isn't my problem any more.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What you describe is absolutely typical of what happens to scapegoats in a narcissistic family.

A fear you may have (and I have read many other scapegoats expressing the same) is that you may somehow end up like your own parents. I tell you now this will not happen and indeed you do not treat your children in the ways you were yourself treated. You are not them and are separate from them (and your dad seems very much an enabler in your family of origin). You have two qualities that they are all sadly lacking; empathy and insight.

It may be also worth your while to see a therapist and one at that who is vastly experienced in the ways of narcissistic family structures. Interview such people carefully and at length before choosing to work with any particular person. Whoever you see should have no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

[springydaff]

Atilla have you experienced this? Or read /heard about it somewhere. Perhaps you could link your sources so those of us who have experienced this can read them ourselves.

Otherwise you sound like The Expert with no credentials - if you haven't experienced this then you don't even bring experience.

Which is ultimately patronising, however well meant . It is the scourge of those of us who have been severely damaged : endless advice and theory. We're already weary without all that on top.

[springydaff]

Oh Attila, I've just read your last post!

Please, butt out. How dare to speak from a height about us abusing our own children. Ffs. Please, go away.

[springydaff]

I have reported your post Attila. Your sentiments are deeply offensive.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Springy

I will only write this once. Many people who are abused by their narcissistic and or otherwise abusive parents can and do express a fear that they will turn out just like their parents. You have completely misread my previous post perhaps unintentionally but you need to know that there is a real life person at this end too.

It is not ops fault in any way that this happened to her.

What part of my posts are unhelpful. Are you any more qualified than me, no. Your opinion is no more valid than my own and the original poster has her own mind.

[acornfed]

Hi Guys, I think there was a misunderstanding.

Atillathemeerkat's post was a supportive one, allaying fears that some have about turning into their parents.

I REALLY need this to be a safe space for me right now.

[SingingLily]

You are quite right, acornfed, and I also want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this.

It's hard to ignore the power of the cultural assumption that all mothers love all of their children (even if they have funny ways of showing it) and so all children should love and honour their parents. So to have that core belief suddenly swept away is horrifying and confusing and frightening and messy. In my case, the child-me still craved a mother's love while the adult-me knew that it was never going to happen. My mother does not love me. Never has. Never will. I was periodically "useful" to her or "not useful" and this determined how she behaved towards me. But it's still a bitter pill to swallow. No wonder you are all over the place emotionally.

But take heart - this just means you are normal, that you are a sane and reasonable person struggling to make sense of a seismic life truth. What you are going through is a period of emotional madness, just as so many of us have done, but you will come through it in time. I promise.

I echo Attilla's advice to you - and urge you to have a look at the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board. There you will find understanding, support, handholds and extremely good and useful advice from others who have gone through what you are going through now. At the very least, it's a great comfort to know that you are not alone.

💐

[acornfed]

Singing lily thank you so much for your words. It chimes with exactly how I feel.

To have all these emotions and then be sneered at and poured scorn over when I try and express them to any of my foo left me utterly shattered.

[acornfed]

I can't find a current stately homes thread. Can someone please help? X