Bad vibes but don't know if I just dont know how to do friendships with men ...

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

Opinions please.....

I have a newish friend of a couple of years standing, who I like a lot. Very funny, quirky, we have a shared, uncommon, interest and on this we really hit it off and see eye to eye. It'not cycling, golf, cosplay, or swinging, before anyone suggests these 🤣. It is a niche academic subject and there are few of us in this profession....

Recently I've I've noticed something quite odd about him, though. He will make potentially put-down-y type comments .. examples:

One: I send him some music that I really like, we do this often. He replies along lines that it's not his thing, then he tells me in person next time I see him that he "doesn't like it". Ok, fine, maybe I am too English... and music is a funny and very personal beast .... seems a bit blunt but I'm not a snowflake. Same thing happens a couple more times. He really wants me to love his choices, though!

Two: bought something that i loved and was so happy with, total bargain (think technology) which he would also have an interest in. He asked to have a go and then pointed out its faults, minor, all true, but I felt almost like he was trying to piss on my chips and it annoyed me. There is a money issue here also, in that he is on the bones of his ass for various reasons, and I have a well-paying, secure job. I felt he might almost be a bit jealous.

Three: We went our for a night in a group, all very jolly, had a bit (a lot) too much to drink. He wanted me to dance. I said no. He tried to drag me up. I said no again. He persisted and eventually had to tell him quite forcefully to back the f* off. He told me he was "not impressed". I told him that he could get lost and I did not have to impress him, went home and thought whattt...?! Again, I cannot imagine other friends behaving like this. Put it down to the drink, he is usually very gentle.

Four: he was talking about an exes' (now) husband and said he "hated" him. I found this really quite odd. Why would you hate the new partner of your ex, who you have never met? Just because they got the girl and you didn't??

I want to cut him some slack as he had a very, very unusual and quite straightened, very religious upbringing and has essentially been cast out by his family for leaving the faith.

On the other hand I think I cannot be arsed.

Disclaimer: i have a (now) over-sensitive male fuckhead detector owing to past issues but am trying hard to deal with these.

I now have some male friends which has been a revelation but.. ach, I already know the answer to this one. Phase him out, right? Damndamndamn.

[BandsAndBeer]

Yep. Phase him out.

I've got a male friend. We've been friends for about 6 or 7 years now. Just recently, I've noticed increasingly that he takes any time I disagree with him as a personal affront and will seek to 'put me in my place'. We've been friends for that long and, whilst it's cropped up occasionally, it's been very noticeable over the last couple of weeks.

I've come to the conclusion that he sees women as equals as long as the women are behaving in a way that he approves of. Once his position as Man (and therefore superior/right) is challenged, he becomes a horse of a very different colour.

Unfortunately, I can't cut him out completely, but I am reducing the time I spend with him and limiting my conversations with him.

[BandsAndBeer]

Bit sad really, he's been my 'best friend' for most of the time I've known him.

[nevernotstruggling]

All you needed to have posted was the dancing bit. Jesus Christ get rid of him immediately. Your radar is fine you know he's awful x

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

@bandsandbeer yep I think they sound really rather similar.

It's a shame but onwards and upwards eh? So annoying when you think someone is worth your time and care and then...nope.

@nevenotdancing you are right. I was open-mouthed about the dancing thing.

I actuallt wondered if he might be abusive in partner relationships after that. Down the shute!

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

@nevernotstruggling ... oops.

[justilou1]

I would suggest telling him how you feel, except I also suspect it would be a case of this....

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

@justilou1 ha! You could well be entirely right.

I feel a bit sorry for him, still. He has had a difficult life, can be very kind but inconsistent. Realising I can't cope with mercurial people...

[justilou1]

I’m kind of over feeling sorry for people who have had a hard life, aren’t you? Who hasn’t? Tbh... life is hard, and if it isn’t, you must be bloody sleep walking. I honestly think men in particular hang onto their “my life sucked” story to avoid changing patterns that they quite like. (Esp. Ones where they have to admit that their behaviour is abusive or even borderline.) *nb... this might be something I am dealing with in my own life at the moment. Not bitter at all! 🤭

[Coffeeandchocolate9]

He sobs mysogynistic at best. I'd fade, or use the next incident as an excuse to be utterly completely irretrievably offended and sack him for good.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

He's an awkward bugger, isn't he? I'm very tolerant of odd behaviour but the dancing bit would really put me off. He fancies you, obviously, and I'd guess he resents you for it. I'd be backing off.

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

@justilou1 yes, I also feel less sympathetic to the woe is me conntingent. In fairness to my friend, he never pulls the wor is me card. In fact he is still very much in charismatic father's thrall at 39, and clearly feels.not good enough.... which in itself is odd but there we go. I do increasingly think meh though, I havent had the easiest life either in many respects but was 'lucky' to do well at school and have loving, uncomplicated-ish parents...

@Prawnofthepatriarchy hmm ... I'm not sure about the fancying. Always been platonic and why would someone put you down if they fancied you...?

[justilou1]

I think the problem is that we constantly try and look for logic when crazy is the answer.... Once we give up on looking for logic, we stop justifying (and worse, minimizing) crazy behaviour. Then we are no longer disappointed. We accept it or we don’t.

[HypatiaCade]

why would someone put you down if they fancied you?

Have you not heard of negging?

"Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances. "

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

Well my mind is blown having googled negging. There are really people who think they will snare you by putting you down?! Sweet jesus.

And yes... hard to accept some people are just bad 'uns. But it's the case.

[AndromedaKmoght]

I’d adopt the KISS method with these friendships. I wasted so much time, emotional energy in my 20s on people with problems because I thought I “should keep long term friends” as that’s what Nice Women are meant to do.


They may have had some good moments but they make you uncomfortable, yes maybe there’s a reason or some complicated dynamic going on.

Do you want to “fix” them or be their counsellor? Do you have time for this ? Do you want people in your life who are weird/aggressive/rude/don’t genuinely have your best interests at heart?

Answer: block, drift away etc.

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

@AndromedaKmoght you are quite right.

People can be intriguing if they're weird (!) and I do have a fixer tendency. I am good at fixing people, but at my own expense.

Just. Like. My. Mother. How very, very predictable. Need to break that mould.

[onlymyselftoanswerto]

I dated someone like this - I actually thought for a moment you were describing him, but I don't think so as he very much plays on how shit his upbringing was. Trust me, no good will come of it, get rid of him asap. He will only erode your confidence and make you start to doubt everything you stand for. My ex questioned absolutely everything I said, he was/is an academic and always put it down to "thinking like a scientist" when in fact I see now he was just being an asshole who thought he knew more about how I felt about things than I did.

[gamerchick]

Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances

Ah negging, a sure fire obvious thing a dude can do to tell you he's a bit of a twat. It's a handy thing to be able to spot.

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

Yes, I have firmly concluded he is bad news. Shame. I did really enjoy talking to him and there are so few people who get this .... thing! And he makes me laugh like a drain. He is actually quite dangerous and I think could upset my apple cart. Thabk you for confirming what I thought.

He ain't the full package and life is too short for friends who, actually, aren't.

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

@gamerchick too right. What a sure-fire way to highlight the fact that you took your relationship advice from Viz... treat 'em mean, etc.

Actually my ex was a bit of a negger come to think of it. I can see it now i know of this phenomenon.

And I can completely see why I am drawn to people like this... it is so very stereotypical. Emotionally impatient, unavailable father who was never particularly pleased with me and always had a vague sense of disapproval. There. Saved myself years of therapy!

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

I do have a few really nice, well-balanced, uncomplicated male friends (unlike this one) but clearly I am more vulnersble to male friend twunts than female ones. I'd have given a female friend displaying auch behaviours the heave ho within about 20 milliseconds.

[AndromedaKmoght]

The thing is if you’re bright and have niche cultural interests you are probably so happy to meet someone who you can discuss those things with that you’re naturally wanting to develop or keep that connection. Maybe that’s ok if it’s superficial or short term or in s group?

But emotionally it’s really long term damaging to have close people you spend a lot of time with who are a bit “off” or weird or resentful.

Better to be a bit lonely than trying to authentically connect with someone (Male or female) who is weird and rude.

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

Andromeda you are right. I'll take 100 kind, nice, funny people who aren't feckin weird over a few who get the niche interest but ... are.

[justilou1]

Problem is that a lot of people mistake laughing AT people with being funny. They write it off as banter when they cause offense.

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

Well, blow me down with a feather

He cried & apologised for being a dick, and also casually dropped in that he's just been diagnosed with Bipolar II. I did not see the latter coming but it makes a great deal of sense now I think about it.

I'm still approaching with caution but willing to give him another tentative chance so long as he doesn't keep up with the negging stuff