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Shocked at husband’s drunk rant

(71 Posts)
BayTiger Sat 13-Jul-19 00:25:57

I’m sorry to say I’ve posted a number of threads and people have mainly thought that my husband sounds abusive.

The idea of this has been very shocking and right now I’m not able to think about leaving, I can’t speak to anyone in real life either, hence this is the only place I can get any support, which is greatly appreciated.

I spoke to Women’s Aid they also said it was verbal abuse.

Today he spent the afternoon in the pub at a work meeting and has come back drunk. I didn’t realise he was drunk, it used to be a big issue in our relationship, he’d get drunk and be nasty and had problems with gambling.

Well today was a bit of a long day as our toddler wouldn’t go to bed and was still charging around at 10pm. My husband got home about 9.45 and managed to get her to sleep. I hadn’t had a break all day so was ready for a rest.

He has booked a weekend away for us next week for his birthday. Then tonight he said he wants us to spend the day we have there with the friend he’s just got drunk with who will also be there. Realistically this means we won’t get to do anything with our daughter like play on a beach as they are doing a BBQ for him.

So I said I had imagined us spending the day at the beach or visiting some other places rather than going to someone’s house. I can understand him feeling annoyed at my opinion but what had shocked me is the was he spoke. He looked at me so disdainfully and has said I should shut my mouth and pipe down and do as my husband telly me. I am to sit back and be quiet and enjoy myself because this IS what is happening. He said I was an offence and ridiculous. I tried to say that I just meant we could meet his friend anytime (he has just spent all afternoon getting drunk with him and generally moans about him).

He says I shoot down all his ideas to meet up with his friends and family and that he will stop me from having friends to visit (very rare). He said this is the reason he won’t have sex with me! The reason I don’t like doing things with his family is that he becomes bolshy and verbally abusive after seeing them. He will often stop talking to me after we have spent time with them.

I find some of what he says very shockinh but really can just be there to support our daughter. He has made me feel horrid by calling me an offence and wet blanket. It’s horrible to see such dislike. I hope people won’t mind me posting again.

BayTiger Sat 13-Jul-19 00:31:14

Sorry for typos!

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 13-Jul-19 00:35:26

Yeah, he’s an arsehole. Still an arsehole. Will continue to be. It’s up to you if you continue to pollute your life by being with him.

SimplySteveRedux Sat 13-Jul-19 00:41:52

This cretin is abusing you, gaslighting you and generally treating you like shit.

Where is your self-esteem and self-respect? Do you want your daughter learning about relationships from how this man treats you? You need to enforce your boundaries here. Doing the Freedom Program will open your eyes to what this man is truly like, and give you the tools to do something about it.

SimplySteveRedux Sat 13-Jul-19 00:43:10

You should read "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" by Susan Forward too.

savingshoes Sat 13-Jul-19 00:47:57

You were trying to put your little family 1st and that's a very normal and reasonable. You know your child and sound like you were thinking of fun memories for her to have too.
His belittling and threatening attitude is disgusting but you have already said at the beginning of your post that you cannot think about leaving him which is my first suggestion.
He sounds like a ticking time bomb and I would do very little to provoke him until you do decide you can leave.
You do need to protect yourself and your daughter from him.

BayTiger Sat 13-Jul-19 00:56:23

It really is ridiculous that I’m letting him be like this, but when I’m in the midst of it he convinces me I’ve done something wrong, I’m ridiculous, ludicrous and now I’m an offence. He threatened to leave if we didn’t meet this friend. I’m more than happy to meet him, just that it means the weekend away is going to end up being a long drive to spend the day there at the man’s hiouse. So we may as well meet him where we live really. He said I don’t care it’s my birthday, you will do as your husband says!!

If I say anything back he says I’m defensive and stubborn andyhow I feel is met with ‘I give a shit’. There is a reply for literally anything I say, he used to be do liovely.

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 13-Jul-19 00:57:55

He threatened to leave? Let him leave.

He used to be lovely? That was a front. The real him is a piece of shit.

There’s nothing to debate. The only issue is how much more abuse are you going to tolerate before you end it. That’s up to you.

Maitairiki Sat 13-Jul-19 00:59:53

Let him leave - it won’t be a loss and will improve your life

madroid Sat 13-Jul-19 01:00:23

He used to pretend to be lovely. Until he didn't need to keep it up any more because he thinks you won't leave. Is he right?

jennymanara Sat 13-Jul-19 01:05:57

You know this is verbal abuse. Just at the moment it seems too hard to leave.
One thing that can help is getting in touch with your anger. You should be angry about the way he talks about you.
And when you feel confused when he is being like this, ask yourself - would I talk to him like that? And the answer will be no. So why should he talk to you in a manner that you would never talk to him?

Stefoscope Sat 13-Jul-19 01:16:49

Let him go on his weekend away alone. Seek any support you can, be it woman's aid or on here if necessary. Easier said than done, I know, but I'd pack his bags as soon as he's out of the door and plan something nice for you and your daughter whilst he's off getting pissed to give you a taster of how much better things could be without him. Spend that time planning how to start a new life away from him and consider it an investment in your's and your daughter's future.

Nofilter Sat 13-Jul-19 01:18:04

How can you be shocked at his rant though when this is nothing new? Not really sure what your looking to achieve posting here really.

Do you think maybe you ARE considering leaving and can see that is the only solution?

Your not mentioning any plans to work on this within the relationship either - not that I think it could be fixed he's an absolute arse...

You can do this you know. You are not stuck. You are worth more.

Your daughter deserves to be in a safe and non toxic environment and I hope to god you do not become a statistic of domestic violence as it's so close to that line right now.

Hugs xx

Skiingismylife Sat 13-Jul-19 01:33:22

Baytiger, I do not live with my dh anymore because of this. Drinking was a major problem as after a few drinks he would become a nasty person. It took me years to see this. What hurts in this cases too is that you argue and hurt like a sober person does, they, drunk do not. You remember everything really well, they do not or pretend they don’t when shamed by it. Your hurt is invisible, as it is the argument you had.
It was an awful place to be.

UnderOverUnderRover Sat 13-Jul-19 01:37:34

What's your question OP?

Should you leave him? Yes

Should you put up with being spoken to like that? No

Is a good, healthy environment to raise DC? No

I am really confused why you are still with this person. He doesn't love you and if you love him then you're a fool.

Derbee Sat 13-Jul-19 01:44:13

Tell him you’re not going away on the weekend and neither is your daughter. He can go on his own and when he comes back, you expect better behaviour

CJsGoldfish Sat 13-Jul-19 02:07:28

Why are you exposing your daughter to this? You will teach her that this is how she should be treated. That this is how a family is.

Why?

DeeCeeCherry Sat 13-Jul-19 02:14:32

Well you don't want to leave or speak to anyone in real life so, I guess MN is good for the occasional vent to keep you going for a while. Terrible relationship example for your DD, especially as she grows older. But even now - children sense anger, tenseness & tone. Toxic all round.

He must be made of solid gold.

Jemima232 Sat 13-Jul-19 02:28:44

@BayTiger

I'm sorry to read about all you're going through.

I think posting here is your only safe space at the moment, isn't it?

You have nobody in real life to talk to at the moment. Your husband has ground you down and you believe a lot of what he says because he says it so often. You cannot imagine living without him.

You would love to be free of him - or get back the man who was so lovely to start with.

I really do not believe that this is going to happen, BayTiger and now you're stuck because the thought of leaving is overwhelming you.

How can you pack up everything you and your toddler would need? Where would you go? How would you afford things?

I have been you and I got stuck with the most appalling man for ages. The verbal abuse became violent physical abuse and I was frightened for my life.

I understand what you're going through. But I am telling you that you need to bite the bullet for your own sake and that of your beloved daughter. You really need to be brave and leave, because he definitely won't. Please get back in touch with Women's Aid and tell them everything - about the shoves and pushes as well as the verbal abuse and alcoholism.

You can speak to them online as well as on the phone.

You need to escape from this. I hope you find the courage to do so, as I do not believe his abuse is only verbal. You're afraid of him and so you should be.

If you would like to PM me please do.

expat101 Sat 13-Jul-19 03:05:01

OP its perfectly ok to reply to him that it's fine with you that he goes to his mate's place, but he can go alone. However while there is give and take in any relationship, he shouldn't be forcing you to go with him.

If he goes and leaves you at home, perhaps this is the perfect time to have plans put in place to leave? Please do take the earlier advice and get in touch again with Women's Aid. If you cannot do it for yourself, do it for your Daughter.

Ferfeckssake Sat 13-Jul-19 03:54:08

Please get in touch with Jeminia232.She seems to understand exactly what you are going through.flowers

Coyoacan Sat 13-Jul-19 04:02:48

The comments here are unanimous that the best thing you can do is leave, however you say you cannot leave him, but do not say why.

I think you should start getting used to the idea that you are going to leave him in the future and making plans. If you are isolated, work on your social network. If you are broke, work on your income. But do not plan on staying with him long term as he will only grind you down even more.

GeorgiaGirl52 Sat 13-Jul-19 04:35:00

Is this the kind of man - the kind of marriage - you would wish to see your daughter have? For her sake AND for your sake, you need to leave. Make plans. Stash money. Contact a group that can help and advise you. Get OUT! Even if your standard of living is lower, your mental health and safety will be greater.

Bumpitybumper Sat 13-Jul-19 05:07:48

This is not normal and not ok. I think he has worn you down so much that despite eveyone telling you that this is abuse, you still struggle to believe it and are trying to rationalise and make excuses for his behaviour. For example, you seem to be pondering whether it was reasonable for you to suggest that you didn't want to spend the weekend away with his friend. For what it's worth, you absolutely weren't being unreasonable at all but even if you were, that would not justify him speaking to you in the manner that he did. I have had disagreements with my DH where I have been objectively pretty unreasonable and whilst of course he had pointed this out, he would never ever use the language and insults that your husband used.

You are a worthwhile person and entitled to an opinion and even to be unreasonable or wrong sometimes without someone verbally tearing you to pieces. Imagine a man doing this to your daughter in the future and consider what you're advice to her would be if she was in a similar relationship to yours. I imagine you feel incredibly protective and angry at even the thought of your daughter getting embroiled in such a relationship. You are every bit as important and worthy as your daughter. As crazy as it sounds I believe we all still have an inner child that needs our adult selves to step up and protect from harm and abuse.

BayTiger Sat 13-Jul-19 09:19:11

Thank you to everyone, I remember in the past wondering why people stayed with abusive people and I understand it now. For me a lot of it is believing I’m the cause of it and not trusting my feelings that it’s abusive.

He always points and says it’s YOU if I talk about the way he speaks. I don’t understand how someone can change after 6 or 7 years of being completely different. Of course when we got married and bought a house it got worse/different and now we have a child it’s got worse again.

At the moment I’m not working and I think he feels angry about this, even though me being at home enables him to do things in his career he wouldn’t be able to otherwise. He makes a lot of comments about being the sole earner and how it’s his money I’m spending. I don’t spend much anyway just day to day things like toddler groups. It’s only for another year or so and then I’ll return to work.

I have tried to work on the relationship as someone asked, I’ve taken into account things he has said upset him or are annoying. Like talking too much and asking questions about his day when he comes in. I think he feels upset I’m not always on top of the cleaning as we have a very active toddler, so I do my best with that.

I had thought I was getting anxiety about doing social things but realised it’s just when it’s with his family as he seems to get whizzed up around them and usually starts picking on me afterwards about something I’ve said wrong.

Thank you Jemima232, you have pretty much summed things up. I have told my mum a few things but I don’t want to worry her and I feel embarrassed to tell people as I’ve always been told I’m over sensitive. My husband is very popular, charming and friendly so people would never believe how he can be. He’s never been violent though.

I have posted here a few times as it’s the only place I can be open really. My emotions are completely numb so I don’t feel anything when he goes on at me like that and that’s the worst bit really.

Nanny0gg Sat 13-Jul-19 09:29:11

He is the cause of it, but does it matter?

Your life is a misery, there is no love, joy or happiness. That will not change while you're with him.

Forget embarrassment, tell your mum (she'd want to know). Get real life support and get out.

And let him go to his birthday bbq on his own!

Indigo2019 Sat 13-Jul-19 09:33:32

The thing is, you will go to the barbecue next week and he will get drunk and abusive and you will have to put up with it as you are away from home with a small child. That’s no way to live.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 13-Jul-19 09:35:27

BayTiger

Can you at all write about what is actively stopping you from leaving this man?. I could write several reasons as to why people find it extremely hard to leave their abuser but I would like to hear from you.

If there is one person on here I wish could leave their abuser it is you because you have been writing about him for just over a year now and I remember your previous threads.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and what are you teaching your child now. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? If you were to look at your parents closely, particularly your mother here, is he scarily similar to your own mother?. They started this and this man has continued the abuse. You were targeted by this man.

I wrote this previously to you. HE is the one who is difficult here, controlling you and is causing you stress; not the other way around. He is merely projecting his own self onto you and giving you spaghetti head as a side effect is all part of the abuse he is meting out. Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy, you have taken a small baby step here in writing about this and this is further progress.

pilates Sat 13-Jul-19 09:50:58

Please speak to your mother again or perhaps confide in a friend. Start planning your escape route in your mind. Where you can go and make sure important papers are readily available. Could you stay with your mum? Get some legal advice so you know where you stand legally. I’m sorry you are going through this but it’s sounds a miserable existence.

BayTiger Sat 13-Jul-19 11:08:35

Thank you Attila, you have given me such a lot of good advice. I think the main reason is that at the moment it still seems unreal that he’s being abusive. Also I’m not working just now so that would be a problem and our daughter really loves him. He is not often nasty to me in front of her.

He did say sorry this morning and that he felt frustrated that I didn’t want to go and meet his friend. I just thought as we only have one day there it would be nice to do something like visiting a beach etc. I don’t mind meeting his friend at all in general.

He feels I block all his ideas, well he doesn’t often seem interested in doing much with us so I suppose I have been resentful of this. The things he suggests are big family gatherings where he usually gets bolshy so I’m not that enthusiastic I suppose as it doesn’t feel like he supports me.

I am thinking ahead to the future though and think some counselling would be a good start to see how I have got to this position.

With my background my mum will often shut down conversations if I criticise her and this is how my husband is. But both will tell me my faults and expect me to listen, if I shut them down I would be ‘told off.’

Jemima232 Sat 13-Jul-19 13:20:04

@BayTiger

Please do not have counselling to examine your perceived faults.

Your husband is the problem here, not you. And I think you're considering counselling as a way of finding out how to alter your behaviour so that you come up to your husband's standards and make him love you and treat you well.

He is not often nasty to me in front of her (meaning your daughter.)

But he is sometimes nasty to you in front of her.

Imagine your daughter in 25 /30 years' time. If she were married to a man like your husband and was desperately posting on MN for advice, what would you say to her?

If you don't take steps to end your marriage your daughter will grow up watching you being belittled and abused and she will consider that is normal.

I really do understand why you're stuck in the glare of the headlights and cannot figuratively move. So again I urge you to go back to Women's Aid for help in getting away from this man.

BayTiger Sat 13-Jul-19 13:43:21

Thank you Jemima and everyone, it’s amazing how kind people are to a stranger. I really appreciate your replies and kindness and wish you all the best and all happiness . Sorry you went through such a horrible time yourself.

HopeClearwater Sat 13-Jul-19 14:28:39

He is not often nasty to me in front of her

Not often?!

You need higher standards.

This guy clearly has issues. You’ve mentioned gambling and drinking. Don’t bring up your daughter with this going on. She will think it’s nornal and accept that kind of treatment herself when she’s grown up, just like you’re doing. Break the cycle now.

Cherrysoup Sat 13-Jul-19 14:45:55

So you haven’t left him because this doesn’t seem real? It’s very real. Now, why are you staying with someone so abusive? He tells you to do as your husband tells you? Is he living in the 1800s??

BayTiger Sat 13-Jul-19 14:58:45

Well it does sound bad put like that. He was drunk last night and has just said the problem lies in our communication and in the fact I often shut down his ideas.

This I have been guilty of in the past but the main things I’ve criticised him about is advice I’m following from our health visitor which he consistently does the opposite of. So it comes across like I’m constantly nagging I suppose. But I don’t want our child to be getting mixed messages. Some of the things are to do with safety as well.

The trouble is I listen to his concerns and see how I can change things, whereas he says mine are paranoid. For example I said I think he resents me not working based on comments he’s made and he says it’s a conspiracy theory and I’m paranoid. So it closes off the conversation.

He is the type of person who is never quite satisfied with what he has and gets preoccupied with whatever is lacking.

I think I have a lot to keep thinking about and think I will ring WA again next week.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 13-Jul-19 15:34:00

Hi Bay Tiger

re your comment:-

"With my background my mum will often shut down conversations if I criticise her and this is how my husband is. But both will tell me my faults and expect me to listen, if I shut them down I would be ‘told off.’

We do indeed learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. You married a male version of your mother. That is what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and you were indeed taught a lot of damaging lessons. You consider what she did "normal" but it is not and your H now behaves the same towards you.

Ultimately you are going to have to completely reassess your relationship with her but the main priority now is you and your child's welfare. That will not improve any as long as you remain with this man.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 13-Jul-19 15:34:28

Do ring WA next week and keep posting here too. You need a safe outlet.

Weezol Sat 13-Jul-19 15:42:51

It's often hard to see things clearly when you're in the middle of them - been there done that!

Keep talking to us. Keep listening. You don't have to leave in the next five minutes, nobody is expecting that.

Are you still in touch with your Health Visitor? Could you make an appointment to see your GP's practice nurse and tell them a little of what's going on?

It's hard to get out from under, but if I can do it, so can you.

LegionOfDoom Sat 13-Jul-19 16:14:26

What do you want from this? You’ve done so many posts, going back months, on your dh. Every single person has told you to leave him. The answer isn’t going to change. Please, just leave him

Herocomplex Sat 13-Jul-19 16:31:04

You know it would be completely fine if you said you didn’t want to meet his friend, and that you wanted to spend some time on the beach with your daughter. You don’t have to say it’s ‘completely fine’ to do the thing you don’t want to do just to avoid being abused.
You don’t have to live like this. Xx

Teddybear45 Sat 13-Jul-19 16:33:30

He’s an alcoholic. Just go with your DC and don’t look back.

BayTiger Sat 13-Jul-19 18:07:43

Thank you for all the great advice, it has given me a lot to think about. I agree it does seem odd to keep asking the same advice when I have been given such clear and good advice already many times. I think as someone said it feels like a safe space to be able to check that I’m not misinterpreting things. I really appreciate all the advice, thank you all.

Jemima232 Sat 13-Jul-19 18:08:41

I'm glad you're going to ring WA again, BayTiger

That sounds like a plan.

It is very hard indeed to get your head round what's going on when you're living with someone who puts you down all the time.

You are doing nothing wrong. Eventually, when you've come out of the other side of this and have had counselling, you'll understand how you got into this situation and how difficult it was to leave

But you will leave. When you're mentally ready. I know you've been posting for a year - so what? It takes abused women a very long time to realise that leaving is the only option. This is a classic case of coercive control. Your husband is an arch-manipulator. He knows that (at the moment) you won't leave so his cruelty is escalating.

You're doing nothing wrong but he's got you to a place in your head where you believe that if you change things will improve. You don't need to change. You need to try to start to make a plan to leave him. I fully understand that making that plan is beyond you at the moment.

We're here and we're listening. Keep posting.

AbbiMarigoldWalton Sat 13-Jul-19 18:56:21

He does just seem like someone more interested in drink than you...and everything else...

Frankola Sat 13-Jul-19 19:18:26

I would never ever expose my daughter to someone like that and risk her growing up believing that this is an acceptable way to talk to any woman,then leading to her likely looking for someone just like this man.

You say you know hes abusive and you cant leave. What do you expect then?

Jemima232 Sat 13-Jul-19 19:22:16

@Frankola

BayTiger can't leave at the moment. Emotionally she just can't.

Herocomplex Sat 13-Jul-19 19:26:49

It’s not the OP’s fault. None of this is her doing. I think she’s trying to work this all out. I think she is going to leave, I really do.

BayTiger Sat 13-Jul-19 20:47:12

Thank you Attila, Jemima and everyone who took the time to reply, I really appreciate it. I understand what Frankola says as I said the same myself about a friend in a similar situation. She is really beautiful and in a very high powered job and could have anyone. I couldn’t understand how she stuck with someone who was clearly abusive and told her off for not leaving several times.

It’s funny being in the middle of it, it’s different, you get to a point you don’t even trust your thoughts. It only dawned on me about a year ago my husband had become abusive as it crept up really slowly, he was a lovely, lovely man before, my soulmate. You can’t believe someone could have been hiding this side of themself or that this was their real self and they never really even loved you.

I think it’s easier to believe you have caused it and can fix it. It’s awful to think your husband wants to be abusive and it has taken me a long time to believe it. That must be why so many people turn to online forums where they can ask anonymously as it’s so hard and final to break the ice and tell someone. I am so grateful there is a space to just find out that actually I’m not an awful person but my husband has become abusive.

Tonight my husband is being very loving and nice and I’ve suggested he has a chat with his GP and told him I’ve noticed his temper is getting worse. He puts it down to lack of sleep etc, but of course where he’s being so nice, I feel relieved and have ‘forgotten’ how he spoke last night.

I am going to ring WA though and have asked to HV to visit me so will see if I can say a couple of things.

Weezol Sat 13-Jul-19 22:13:47

I am going to ring WA though and have asked to HV to visit me so will see if I can say a couple of things.

That's a really good plan. I take it he won't be there when HV comes?

If you struggle to talk to the HV, you could show her some of your posts.

expat101 Sun 14-Jul-19 00:38:34

His lack of sleep will certainly have something to do with the amount of alcohol he is consuming. If you are on Facebook, pop along to Club Soda and read people's real-life stories there. It might help join a few more dots for you OP.

I'm also pleased you are going to call WA again. Please ask them if they can offer an advocate to guide you with financial assistance so you know your entitlements if and when you decide to leave.

I'm sad that your Mum shuts down! As a Mother myself, I would move heaven and earth to get my daughter and her child away from the situation you find yourself in. Have you an Aunty, Cousin or other family you can lean on for support?

And finally, its quite likely your neighbours know something is wrong. Neighbours may not approach you directly, but I'm sure someone is looking out for you. Just try and start to get to know them, because they might be your first port of call one night when you need help. xx

Frankola Sun 14-Jul-19 06:55:13

@Jemima232 @BayTiger

I myself have been in a domestic abuse relationship. My partner actually hospitalised me on one occasion. So I understand the emotional psychology and cycles behind abuse. Please do not speak to me as you previously did, presuming I know nothing of the situation.

It is because I know exactly about this situation that I felt comfortable enough to say with certainty that I would leave and remove my daughter from that environment.

I'm sorry @BayTiger but your husbands actions last night are the perfect cycle of abuse. The previous night he was abusive, today he is "loving" (and lets not forget minimising his actions) so that 1 - you forgive him, and 2- you blame yourself, which is of course a psychological way of getting you to stay in this relationship.

If you do not feel you can leave then please, for your own safety,as well as that of your daughter, speak to a WA or some form of counsellor. You need to begin the process of getting yourself out of this.

BayTiger Sun 14-Jul-19 08:01:46

I’m very sorry to hear that Frankola, I’m glad you have managed to get away. Thank you for your advice.

BayTiger Sat 27-Jul-19 23:43:53

Hello, I just thought I would update that I talked to my husband last week after he came home after a work do at 3am.

We did go away the previous weekend and although there were some nice moments he was continually sniping at me and grumpy over really silly things. I had bought him a large coffee as a treat, for example, and it was too big for the holder in the car, so him immediate reaction was what a silly thing I had done. So there were a few silly things pointed out and a few nasty temper incidents but sort of under the surface. We did spend all our time with his friend, which was nice enough, and came home very early meaning we couldn’t do anything on the last day.

So when he got home st 3am last week I was cross the next morning as he had left me to get everything ready for something we had to do, plus I’d been up with our child most of the night so hadn’t slept.

I told him he had been talking to me in a way that was at times verbally abusive and it had to change. And that he was having a lot of nights out and treating me as a housekeeper, especially the way he watches me with our daughter and says I’m not doing things properly.

He’s now feeling very subdued and says he’s going to discuss it with me next week. He says he’s processing what I said and doesn’t agree with it.

We are visiting my mum and I do think there are some similarities between them. He did something to upset my mum, which led to her shouting at me about something unrelated. I asked him to apologise to her about the thing he’d done to upset her and he told me to stop talking and keep out if it as it’s nothing to do with me. So I said well that’s the kind of language I mean I don’t like and he said Just Stop.

I feel a bit like I’m going mad as my mum then picked me up for being irritated with my husband although she hadn’t heard the nasty way he spoke to me. I feel like I’m a child and they are both in charge of me.

I did ring WA again, they felt it was abusive behaviour but not dangerous so advised me to keep a diary for now.

I did ask our HV to have a word with him too, which she did and I said a couple of small things to her.

So I’ve made a start but still haven’t talked to anyone apart from my mum and she often finds me to be irritable so am not sure whether I’ve conveyed the extent of the way he talks to me. I think because no one ever witnesses how he speaks it feels worse.

Gosh all this makes your head spin and I feel more and more numb, I just feel nothing sad

WellThisIsShit Sun 28-Jul-19 00:20:31

It sounds like you want to have your reality validated by your mother and your husband before you can believe it yourself.

This is a very wrongheaded way of thinking, because you’ve been trapped in such a dysfunctional relationship dynamic for so long.

You need to stop chasing after these two people and begging for permission to be upset with the abuse... they will never acknowledge it. You need to validate your own reality... it’s tough I know, I think it’s one of the hardest stages in getting free. flowers

BayTiger Fri 02-Aug-19 23:33:19

I just wanted to add a small update. After telling my husband that he is sometimes verbally abusive, he was quite difficult over the weekend, lots of naps and bad temper. Tonight he said, when I asked, that he feels subdued because of me saying he had been abusive. He said it’s a very hurtful and offensive thing to say. I should be able to recognise an abusive relationship and this isn’t it.

He says he will work on his tone of voice and the way he talks to me like an employee and I should work on my offensive comments and the fact I talk too much and ask too many questions when he gets home. What I said made him feel I don’t appreciate all his hard work (which enables me to be s SAHM). I do very much appreciate this and try to make that clear

I feel he hasn’t really taken on board what I’ve said, just turned it round to him rather than my actual point. To make life easier I agreed to work on the things he mentioned. I’ve been feeling quite run down from it all but am going to watch and see if he can change things for the better.

Ginger1982 Fri 02-Aug-19 23:37:03

This is sad and frustrating to read. I'm sorry you feel you can't leave but honestly he isn't going to get better or make any changes. He will just continue to abuse you and eventually your DD. Surely you must want more for her and yourself than living with this pathetic excuse for a man?

AdaColeman Sat 03-Aug-19 00:05:57

He is clearly very controlling and abusive.

He has done what all abusers do, when they are called out on their actions they twist things around to make everything your fault. He has done such a good job of this that he has managed to get you to apologise to him! Think about why you did that, was it because he made you doubt your own feelings?

Reading all your posts together BayTiger one of the things that struck me was the way that you minimise all your own thoughts and emotions through the language you use about yourself. You are "cross" "quite run down" etc etc, as though you are fearful of acknowledging your own truth.

I think you should tread very carefully, think about how you might get away from this man, as abusers rarely if ever change, they have to be in control, they don't want an equal partnership, they want to dominate the other person.
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim begins to break free, so be cautious, it sounds as though you are being. Stay safe. Make sure he can't read your posts.

BayTiger Sat 03-Aug-19 11:12:17

Thank you, I think that he talks to me so convincingly that I no longer trust my own thoughts, so when he said that I was wrong I thought maybe I had misconstrued everything unfairly and that he doesn’t speak in an abusive way.

I’m going to watch and wait and see how things go if I do as he wants and ask fewer questions about his day etc.

Now I’ve done a lot more reading and had validation from people I’m beginning to feel a bit more confident in myself.

timeforakinderworld Sat 03-Aug-19 11:25:40

* I think that he talks to me so convincingly that I no longer trust my own thoughts*
I know exactly what you mean. I was in an abusive relationship for years before I got the courage to leave. It is not an easy thing to accept. Keep on posting. Keep on listening to the replies. You will get there eventually.

ClareIsland Sat 03-Aug-19 12:13:38

Keep educating yourself - you are seeing the patterns.

Decide to emotionally detach in your head for now.

Keep posting here.

Mummacake Sat 03-Aug-19 13:32:22

You are doing better than you think. You have recognised the abuse for what it is BUT he will not take it lightly that you have called him abusive and his abuse may start to ramp up. I too have been unsure as to trust my own instincts and judgement during an abusive marriage and it's horrible. It did escalate to physical assault and I left with my 3 babies all under 5. I was lucky as my family are amazing. It's hard, but keep posting and start to make plans to get away safely.

Troels Sat 03-Aug-19 14:14:13

It's all so horribel. He will say anything he thinks he needs to, to get you you get back in your box and shut the fuck up.
It's all abuse. They way he speaks, the things he says, the way he controls you and your thoughts and opinions.
Get rid for gods sake, I bet your own mental health will improve once you are rid of him.

HouseworkAvoider10 Sat 03-Aug-19 14:40:14

……………...aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnndddddd………
………….. round and round and round and round you will go on this grotesque merry-go-round for life, unless you turf the fucker out, or else leave with your DD yourself.

nothing's going to change unless you help yourself and get rid of this waste of space.

Please continue to access help and find a way to walk away from all this abuse.
People on here are giving you great advice, please take it.

YouJustDoYou Sat 03-Aug-19 15:27:43

No. No no no no no no NO. As the pp said - it's just going round and round and round and round. He is DELIBERATELY saying these things to you to fuck with your mind - he is STILL deliberately warping ever single situation and every single thing you say to bring it all back round to how you "make him feel" etc.

IT. IS. NOT. YOU.

He is not stopping. He is gaslighting you. At every single step. OP - imagine the wonderful, peaceful life you would have without being constantly. CONSTANTLY, made to feel like it's your fault all the time. It's not changing. It's not going to change.

Put it this way - if your daughter came to you later in life, and said, "Mum, my boyfriend says it's all my fault. He always puts me down. He is making no effort to change, and I'm just feeling constantly sad and exhausted and worn down and like I'm worth NOTHING" - what would you say to her? "Oh, stick with it darling. I'm sure he;s trying his best to change". Honestly, what advice would you give your daughter? YOU are worth that same advice for yourself.

AdaColeman Sat 03-Aug-19 15:47:29

Here is a book that might help you BayTiger, it's "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You can get it in paperback or on Kindle, and it is often recommended on Mumsnet.
thanks thanks

5LeafClover Sat 03-Aug-19 16:11:14

flowers for you. I have been in a space very similar to this. It took me a long time to understand that when people say that's not normal, it sounds abusive what they mean is ITS ABUSIVE right now. It's not early stages, or something that's a one off. You don't need someone's permission to leave a relationship but if you did, you've already said enough to get it.

Linking your post back to my experience, I remember wishing that if I could just get through how I felt the verbal abuse would stop and things would go back to the relationship I thought I had. Honestly, it didn't happen for me and it hardly ever does once you hear contempt. I wish I had understood that earlier.

Don't try to talk it out with him again. It's just giving him more power over you ..he is not treating you with respect and it's working out great for him. If you were hoping that there's a shame switch that you can trigger, you've proved now that there isn't.

Try to find a counsellor just for you. Through women's aid, your gp or relate do telephone counseling. Do not go to joint counseling ( even if he or someone else tries to persuade you to). Good luck to you and your daughter. Keep posting if you can. You need support. It's not you.

BayTiger Sat 03-Aug-19 18:26:08

Thank you for all the encouragement, I’m feeling quite mad at him now that he’s being normal again. I have wondered if he’s doing things to play mind games so to speak, for example tonight I’m going out for a short while and he’s made sure he’s had a shower and popped to the shop leaving me not much time to get ready.

Then he’s started giving our daughter a second tea as he thinks she didn’t eat enough and was going to feed her in front of the TV which is what the HV has said not to do. When I say anything he keeps saying just relax and what’s your problem. It’s taken me ages to get our child eating better in her chair so when he keeps putting her in front of the telly it sets things back. Of course she loves it as she wants to watch it. So I feel like the baddy!

I think as 5Leaf said I didn’t really believe it was actual real abuse and thought it was just heading that way. I’m sorry to all if you who have been through similar.

wildcherries Sat 03-Aug-19 20:33:12

Abusive. Gaslighting. Undermining your parenting. Honestly, he's an arse, and I hope you find it within yourself to leave. This won't ever change.

Why should this shit life be your 'normal'?

AdaColeman Sat 03-Aug-19 20:59:40

Yes, he's doing all that to undermine your confidence in your own decisions, to make sure that you feel insecure and weak at all times.

And the delaying tactics when you were getting ready to go out, are absolutely classic controlling behaviour.

Just as an aside, some of the comments on your thread are tagged with "@" which means you will get an email notification about the message, so if he can access your emails, it will take him straight to your thread. Best to turn of notifications in "My Account" and delete any emails to be on the safe side.

Pinkbonbon Sat 03-Aug-19 21:24:13

He's already started trying to turn your kid against you. As soon as she is old enough to feel shame, he will also begin to abuse her. Get her and yourself out. You kniw he us abusive now so - no more excuses. No making them for his behaviour or for yourself to stay.

Enough is enough.

BayTiger Sun 04-Aug-19 09:50:20

Thank you very much for all the good advice, I will definitely turn off notifications. Just going to keep quiet and observe for a bit now I’m more aware. I am really grateful to everyone for the kindness and support, and wish all of you well, especially those going through a similar situation or who have done.

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