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Still hurting over a guy who never cared

(14 Posts)
toffeeapple123 Fri 12-Jul-19 19:06:20

We dated for a year. It was push, pull. One minute he was hot, the next he wasn't. Left, then came back. In the end, he said he loved my company, but didn't feel head over heels. I decided to make a clean break. He's mid 30s and never had a proper girlfriend. Almost a year later, we slept together and he told me he pretty much didn't feel anything. Yet afterwards bought me flowers to apologise for all of his behaviour. It's been months. Why is it still hurting? Because I still have feelings, right?

Wallowitzing Fri 12-Jul-19 19:15:36

I didn’t want to read and not comment, but I’m no good at relationship advice.
Can you throw yourself into something else? Sign up for a sport or join a class or anything like that? I think you need distractions and opportunities to meet other men.

toffeeapple123 Fri 12-Jul-19 19:18:21

I've been doing everything - new hobbies, interests, friends, travelling etc. Meeting men has been a real challenge though. I get tonnes of interest, but don't seem to like anyone!

Pinkgin22 Fri 12-Jul-19 19:42:00

Any rejection is hard to take OP, sounds like he was toying with your feelings for quite sometime, I’m not surprised it still hurts. But it will get better with time op, believe me.

Ayemama Fri 12-Jul-19 20:34:43

Try writing down exactly how you feel and just letting it all out on the page.
This is best done a with a glass of wine.
I think he still has your head all tangled and it will take time for this to fix its self but it definitely will eventually.

75Renarde Fri 12-Jul-19 21:18:08

It's appalling behaviour on his behalf OP. Appalling.

He first made you the centre of his world - golden time. Then he pushed and pulled you. This is value-devalue.

Quite rightly you parted. He slept with you again only to devalue you immediately. Then switch to a value with the flowers. It's despicable and I believe it's a crime.

Key to this is to see that to him, you are only slightly more elevated than the bunch of flowers. However just because he views the works that way doesn't mean to say you are only worth a bunch of flowers. That's the trick.

I'm so sorry OP.

PennyB40 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:23:55

Check out intermittent reinforcement in relationships.

Mamabear12 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:26:56

If he never had a fever proper relationship it means he probably has commitment issues. I dated a guy like this for a year. He is still single 15 years later, and I met my husband after our breakup. Married w 2 kids, a dog and a third on the way. My ex is single, alone and living a bachelor type life. It will take time to move on, but just keep busy. Meet with other people. Go out and socialise.

toffeeapple123 Fri 12-Jul-19 23:13:50

Mamabear12 So glad it worked out for you!

People don't change, do they? My first love was a commitment phobe, although he did manage to get into relationships, but couldn't commit all the way. He has gone from woman to woman in the last 15 years I've known him. At the time of the break up, I thought there was something wrong with me!

This latest guy though is worse - he can't even form the start of a decent relationship. Now I know there is something wrong with him, not me!

toffeeapple123 Fri 12-Jul-19 23:17:57

75Renarde Thank you, it is so reassuring and comforting for someone to acknowledge just how sh*t his behaviour was. There was no need, really, but it's just the way he is. For a long time - and even still now - I thought 'oh he's just not into me' or 'i'm unloveable.' He would belittle me often and change his mind about his feelings. It has damaged me, I'm ashamed to admit. He hated I was doing better in life than him and all the attention I would get from other men. All so bizarre.

PennyB40 Good tip, will do, thank you!

Pinkgin22 and Ayemama thanks to you both, I really hope it does get better with time. I'm trying everything, but he's still there, at the back of my mind. It's never taken me this long to get over anyone or anything! confused

PerfectionistProcrastinator Fri 12-Jul-19 23:25:05

I felt like this after I was seeing someone for 6 months a few years ago. I was still crying over him 6 months later. I was running questions over in my mind and driving myself crazy.

I got to the point where I thought, you know what, I’m 30. I need to accept that he did not love me. He messed with my emotions, he is an asshole for doing that. He is not coming back and we will never be right for each other. Any time I thought of him I reminded myself of the above. From there I got over it pretty quickly.

readitandwept Sat 13-Jul-19 00:57:17

Based on the number of relationship threads you have started in the last month, I seriously suggest you get some kind of therapy, assuming you aren't already.

AgentJohnson Sat 13-Jul-19 01:32:39

Because I still have feelings, right?

No, it’s because you don’t value yourself enough and not engage with the push/pull.

Commitment phone doesn’t equal challenge/ a project, it should mean, ‘thank you, next’.

You’ve done a good job of diagnosing these men but not so much in acknowledging your pattern of behaviour buying into the push/ pull dynamic.

toffeeapple123 Sat 13-Jul-19 09:45:39

readitandwept lovely way to put it

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