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DH negative all the time - driving me crazy!

(98 Posts)
ManicGirl Fri 12-Jul-19 18:43:25

His negativity around me and the kids is really starting to grate as I'm worried that they will start to view life with an equally pessimistic attitude.
He came home today and the first thing he did was moan to DS7 about someone parking illegally at work. He snipes about colleagues and moans about his job even though he likes it.
If we're out and our train is 2 minutes late he'll go off on one at the state of Britain's railways.
Today I told the kids we could have a picnic tea in a park of their choice. They chose one that is 20 minutes away and costs a total of £7 for all of us on the train. He shouted at me that I was throwing money away, we should use local park etc. He's refused to come so we're out in sun at the park and he's sat at home. It just seems endless arguments and misery.
Please tell me I'm not the only one living with a total misery guts?

DeeCeeCherry Mon 15-Jul-19 16:35:50

But ... MN as a whole is a hive of negativity towards men

Don't be silly🙄

I've been with DP 6 years and we're happy.

I was with ex 7 years before him. A constant moaner, put a damper on everything, his brothers and sister were very low contact with him because they couldn't stand his fucking moaning.

Every event we went to, he'd find something. Music too loud people too stupid distance too far he wasn't in the mood - always something. Then when we didn't go out he'd still dredge up reasons to moan. His own DD told him his moaning was entitled, selfish and draining and she was sick of it.

I knew the end had come when he droned on and on and on about hay-fever (I know it can be shit, I suffer too) then gave me a lecture as he felt I wasn't listening attentively enough. This, when he'd been banging on for 2 hours + after I'd had a very long and hectic day at work. I was barely in the door and he was moaning in a monotone.

Getting rid of him was like having had radio on same song stuck on repeat for years. Then all of a sudden, leaning over and turning radio off. Absolute, utter, blessed peace.

He's the type for sure who'd have his beak stuck in here going on about women hating men, he'd be here every day tho as it's more moan-fodder

TroubleWithNargles Mon 15-Jul-19 16:29:08

DH is getting like this, and I finally snapped when we were on holiday and arranging a trip out somewhere. He was moaning about something (either he was being a miser or it was something to do with a map - possibly both). I told him rather forcefully not to be such a miserable old bastard, and that I was more than prepared to go off and have fun without him, thanks very much.

user87382294757 Mon 15-Jul-19 16:27:49

Well, maybe they do need help. Maybe there is something underlying bothering them. And no, women with depressive attitudes do not always seek to change either. Sometimes both sexes can develop a victim mentality type attitude, in fact that is characteristic of depression, of not wanting / trying to help themselves and hiding their head in the sand.

Charles11 Mon 15-Jul-19 16:19:15

The women on here with negative and depressive attitudes are here asking for help usually. They explain what the situation is and receive compassion mostly because they want support and change.
If our dh’s were the same, we wouldn’t be so frustrated with them.

user87382294757 Mon 15-Jul-19 16:09:22

So women should tolerate all negative,abusive behavior from a partner on the premise he MIGHT be depressed?

I didn't say anything about tolerating abuse- I meant that the women on here with negative, depressive attitudes receive compassion, therefore shy is it so different for men? I can't see the OP saying anything about abusive behaviour either.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 15-Jul-19 13:34:14

Did you have a chat OP.
As others have said - life it too short for this crap, for you and your DC.
But I'd just being saying 'Jeez, negativity AGAIN. You sound so much like your dad, boring!!'
Every single time!!

EKGEMS Mon 15-Jul-19 13:14:01

Hahaha USER So women should tolerate all negative,abusive behavior from a partner on the premise he MIGHT be depressed?

DiscontinuedModelHusband Mon 15-Jul-19 10:30:49

call them out on it!

clearly and deliberately.

tell them it's affecting how much you respect them.

tell them it's making you less attracted to them.

tell them that the kids don't want to spend as much time with them as a result of it.

chivvying along, trying to counter-balance with excessive positivity, or flat-out ignoring is just facilitating!

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 15-Jul-19 10:10:23

user but that's missing the point that the reason people are generally on fora like this is to seek advice for situations that are difficult or upsetting. There's very little mileage in being on a forum simply to say 'my DH is wonderful and treats me well and is a fabulous father to our children.' is there? What's everyone going to reply - 'that's nice, dear'?

pointythings Mon 15-Jul-19 09:34:42

user it depends with depression. My H had it. But he did nothing to help himself. Kept drinking heavily though alcohol is a depressant, didn't engage with therapy, didn't make lifestyle changes. If someone sucks the joy out of everyone around them and will not work towards change because 'this is just how I am' then it's time to leave. Doesn't matter which half of the partnership it is.

user87382294757 Mon 15-Jul-19 09:23:43

But ... MN as a whole is a hive of negativity towards men

Yep and also lots of very negative posts in general, wonder if it is also suggested the men should leave those women, even if they perhaps have something underlying like depression hmm

Fuckface7 Sun 14-Jul-19 22:53:14

You're not alone. It's at best selfish and at worst draining, stressful and a bit frightening at times. Dementors are just horrible.

TheVoiceInTheShed Sun 14-Jul-19 22:30:10

You could try counting out loud every negative thing that you DH says, he may be shocked into changing when he realises just how often he is doing it, having said that it didn't work when I tried it with my ex DH grin

Charles11 Sun 14-Jul-19 22:14:30

I don’t know if this happens to anyone else but if dh is being particularly negative, I do try to lighten him up, often it doesn’t work and impacts on my mood so I end up snapping at the kids.
It’s really horrible.
I need a way to get it out of my system so I don’t stop being my normal self.

TheVoiceInTheShed Sun 14-Jul-19 22:06:36

It's one of the reasons my H is now an exDH, countless holidays marred by negative crap and self indulgent 'poor me' crap, the DC's and I would be having fun and it was so unfair it could all be ruined by ONE persons mood/moaning - his.
It really is soul destroying in the end, you can tie yourself in knots trying to make them happy but their misery is their responsibility ultimately and why waste your time, in my experience it's very difficult impossible to change a negative person.

MeowTseTung Sun 14-Jul-19 22:05:44

But ... MN as a whole is a hive of negativity towards men, often it's deserved, I agree, but there's very few examples where women seem truly happy with your partner. As a man looking in, I see very little reason to be positive about relationships if this is how we are generally perceived even though I've tried to maintain a positive attitude towards life. Women are very very fortunate however to have this place to vent their complaints, fears, gripes, regardless of the magnitude. There are online forums for men / dads. But let's face it. Compared to MN they're absolute shite. And the seeming lack of any sort of alternative avenue for men to vent their collective spleens will quite possibly leave you, the partners, and your families as the first point of least resistance.

But if constant negativity from a partner is dragging you down, then leave. I did.

WhoKnewBeefStew Sun 14-Jul-19 21:34:28

Urghhh this was my ex dh, and one of the reasons I divorced him.

I remember one evening, we had a rare kid free night, so I booked a surprise visit to the cinema to watch a preview of something he was really into.

He moaned about the price of the tickets (even though I’d paid for them)
He moaned about the price of the popcorn
Then the coke
Then he moaned that the 3D glasses gave him a headache last time
Then he moaned the adverts were too long
Then when the film started, he moaned it was too loud!
I walked out and sat in the car. When he came out I gave it to him both barrels about him being a fun sponge, then didn’t hold back every time he started. My fav line was ‘can you please say one positive thing about today please’ it worked to a degree.

I’m now with a man who’s outlook and positivity is on par with mine, and it’s SO wonderful and I count my lucky stars every night

pointythings Sun 14-Jul-19 21:23:19

Charles11 that is a good strategy for a general moaner, but it doesn't work when it gets to the stage where nothing is ever good enough and nothing makes the person happy - except possibly moaning. Oh, and just to be absolutely clear - I'd say the same if the OP on here were a man complaining about his DW's negativity dragging everyone down.

If you're not happy, work out what's making you unhappy and change it.

In my case the line was crossed when my H got to the stage where he couldn't say anything kind or positive to his DDs. They could come home with stellar reports, but he'd moan because they left a used glass on the counter (this from the man who never washed his own dishes or cleared down after dinner), or because one of them used the word 'shit' in conversation (because his late sainted mother hated swearing) or because any of a hundred trivial miseries. My DDs learned to walk on eggshells around him.

Charles11 Sun 14-Jul-19 21:08:20

I laughed reading this thread because it describes my dh too. I just read bits out to him and said ‘there are more like you out there!’
He took it quite well. He does have good points so I don’t want to leave him despite what carewser thinks I should do, but OMG the moaning!
He is always moaning about traffic and driving, the state of the country, the state of the trains, the state of the younger generations. It drives me mad.
I let him moan briefly to get it out of his system then just tell him to stop moaning and it’s boring listening to it.
I don’t care if I sound insensitive as some of the monologues I’ve had to listen have been ridiculous.

I’ve told him that I’ll never let him bring me and the kids down to his level and we’re going to enjoy life whilst he passes his time away in misery and dullness, seething away to himself.

MamaMumMama Sun 14-Jul-19 20:48:37

I have one of these- it does my nut

SparklesandFlowers Sun 14-Jul-19 20:20:28

My previous comment still stands - carewser can't seem to see the difference between sharing/ venting once on an Internet forum to get some ideas and constantly being negative about everything in life.

Hopefully people have found some useful tips on this thread. I called DH out on his negativity today and he immediately suggested we go out for a nice walk and we had a great time. I think he's starting to realise how tough his negativity can be on me, usually we'd have ages of it but it was literally one comment today.

Iggly Sun 14-Jul-19 20:19:56

So should we all be sweetness and light @carewser about our complaining DHs....?

Or perhaps, as you fail to appreciate, we are fed up and it’s quite a serious issue. Whereas many of us have husbands who find anything and everything to moan about - we are desperately trying to be positive. It’s boring and wearing.

TheVoiceInTheShed Sun 14-Jul-19 20:19:16

'DONT' think you'll be missed obvs! grin

TheVoiceInTheShed Sun 14-Jul-19 20:17:48

Are you being deliberately dense Carewser ? No one needs you to mansplain, it is you who doesn't understand....
The women on here are supportive of each other, often that means comparing experiences and talking about our own similar situations which then often sheds light on a problem, you don't seem to understand the spirit of MN and perhaps you would be better suited elsewhere, I do t think your input will be missed somehow.

pointythings Sun 14-Jul-19 20:12:38

Oooh, misogyny as well as mansplaining! Go on, carewser, give us more so I can call House!

Not quite sure what 'use one on a man' means though. And you need to look up the meaning of the word hypocrisy - I don't think it means what you think it means.

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