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DH negative all the time - driving me crazy!

(98 Posts)
ManicGirl Fri 12-Jul-19 18:43:25

His negativity around me and the kids is really starting to grate as I'm worried that they will start to view life with an equally pessimistic attitude.
He came home today and the first thing he did was moan to DS7 about someone parking illegally at work. He snipes about colleagues and moans about his job even though he likes it.
If we're out and our train is 2 minutes late he'll go off on one at the state of Britain's railways.
Today I told the kids we could have a picnic tea in a park of their choice. They chose one that is 20 minutes away and costs a total of £7 for all of us on the train. He shouted at me that I was throwing money away, we should use local park etc. He's refused to come so we're out in sun at the park and he's sat at home. It just seems endless arguments and misery.
Please tell me I'm not the only one living with a total misery guts?

MitziK Sat 13-Jul-19 19:53:37

I have a sneaking admiration for FIL shortly before he left MIL.

They were going on holiday together for the first time in years (she'd come up with reasons why they couldn't, such as money - he made plenty - inconvenience, that the weather would be bad, the house would probably be burgled, people would be horrible, the hotel would be dirty, etc) and he'd asked her to navigate through a particularly complicated bit.

She was so busy moaning that she didn't notice him adjust his course (as she was obviously too busy to look at the map) and she fell asleep. She woke up as they were pulling into their road. He dropped her off, drove away and spent the weekend in a nice hotel the local pub by himself.

DP has a tendency to complain at the idea of places being busy, there being horrible people (his ex's mates), the cost, the weather being too hot, etc. After plenty of 'it's not that hot, we have sunblock, I don't give a fucking shiny shit if she or her mates are there or not, I want to go with you, I have the money, etc, etc', I snapped at him that he was sucking any joy out of my life and I was tired of having to be so fucking relentlessly chirpy around him.

Turns out that when he had been very ill with depression, the one thing that got through to him was my coming home from work and incessantly wittering at him - the idea that I was losing that scared the crap out of him and he started coming along to things, looking at me grinning and splashing in puddles when it pissed down and generally being too bloody minded to focus on the negatives. My warped sense of humour got him a couple of times as well - deadpanning the most inappropriate comment possible when something was actually pretty shit disarmed him a few times when he was in danger of slipping back.

I grew up with the 'nothing will ever be good enough'/''ah, but this fantastic thing is actually crap because...' bollocks ringing in my ears. I'm not about to tolerate it in my own home.

carewser Sat 13-Jul-19 20:47:13

This thread is a perfect example of why I will spend the rest of my life alone, because this is (almost) all a bunch of women in relationships that can't see the hypocrisy of whining and complaining about their men being whiners and complainers and when I bring it up, I get ignored. On top of that almost none of you have any interest in being understanding to what they think, feel or say. Overwhelmingly when i've heard men complain about things-they have a point so maybe some of you would just rather live in a happy, fantasy world of sunshine, unicorns and rainbows, except the world isn't like that

Since you all seem to love acronyms so much ladies, here's one for you-"GTBA"=Grateful To Be Alone

pointythings Sat 13-Jul-19 20:52:58

Well, carewser, on behalf of all the women who have put up with years of moaning from their other halves whilst they've tried to keep things together and provide some family fun - thank you for not inflicting yourself on us. hmm

BitOfFun Sat 13-Jul-19 21:08:06

I think it got ignored, carewser, because it came across as a smart-aleck remark or "gotcha".

TheVoiceInTheShed Sat 13-Jul-19 21:12:43

Well said Pointythings methinks a nerve has been hit after recognising himself in the thread, ahh diddums , I would wager he is a 'poor me' type too so will go off to lick his wounds now
Don't let the door bang your arse in the way out mate grin

Val5555 Sat 13-Jul-19 21:29:33

I think a lot of men find family life a bit shit so you get this negativity on the back of that.

Saying that you could be talking about my mother so it’s not just blokes.

serialtester Sat 13-Jul-19 22:01:57

Carewser - it's not just about a male/female thing. It's about when one parents negativity/unenthusiasm impacts on children.

MitziK Sat 13-Jul-19 22:08:02

No, you are right and the world isn't all sunshine and unicorns and rainbows, @carewser.

But it isn't all floods, pestilence and disease, either. And if somebody focuses on those to such an extent, they make it impossible to see or enjoy what is good in the world, especially if they then try and stop other people from seeing the good things as well.

SparklesandFlowers Sat 13-Jul-19 22:08:43

carewser That's a difference between letting off a bit of steam on an Internet forum once and constantly being negative about life.

Or can you not actually see the difference?

Iggly Sat 13-Jul-19 22:09:33

My dh is a negative fucker. He seems to be in some sort of victim mentality mode.

When he’s the one responsible for his own fucking happiness, not the rest of the world. Fucks sake.

But his parents are like that. For example, today, they came to visit and dd was doing her cartwheel routines or something. They kept saying “oh no, you’ll hurt yourself”.

Couldn’t bring themselves to say something nice.

Dh isn’t in a great place though so I understand. It’s definitely getting worse. But by painting himself as a passive victim in all of this, he gets nowhere.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth Sat 13-Jul-19 22:17:04

My DH is like this! He also does the automatic 'No'. I call him 'Monsieur Non'. And he also hated my Bugaboo. My DH gets it from FIL. He's a miserable bastard as well.

MirandaGoshawk Sat 13-Jul-19 22:26:04

My DH is a moaner sometimes. I have found the best thing is to agree that yes, it's terrible, and then change the subject. But I do have one tip: give him a time limit. Tell him that he has ten minutes to have a good moan about everything (parking, weather, Britain going to the dogs, whatever) and then he must stop. So he moans, and you don't interrupt, and he gets it off his chest. If he's still going after ten minutes, you tell him time's up, and you start talking about something else. Later, when he starts moaning again, you say No, you had your say, and you refuse to listen until the next day. This works if yiu keep at it, as they realise how ridiculous they're being.

NotJustACigar Sat 13-Jul-19 22:39:12

My DH does this - his most commonly uttered phrase is "oh for fucks sake". I've told him before that he sucks the joy out of things and I think that hurt his feelings a bit because he didn't realise he was doing it. He told me his ex wife and their kids used to call him Mr No!". For him a lot of it comes from anxiety so I do sympathise to a degree but not too the point it's going to be allowed to bring me down everyday.

I sometimes do the "respond with something ridiculously more negative" thing and that usually makes him laugh and he'll stop. And sometimes I respond with over the top sympathy like "oh poor you I can't believe such a horrible fate has befallen you" if he's stuck in traffic an extra five minutes or something. It makes him realise he's being ridiculous. He's not as bad as he used to be and I think he r
had accepted that he has to make an effort. I came across this quote that I sometimes tell him when he's being negative and I think it's got through to him a bit: "Life will bring you pain all by itself. Your responsibility is to create joy." Milton Erickson

carewser Sat 13-Jul-19 22:43:15

Here are the options ladies because i'm sure some of you are in relationships with negative, miserable blokes-END IT! Particularly if your man is not willing to discuss it and/or see a mental health professional about it. If you have kids that's obviously a little trickier because it's important that your kids have a dad but rather than bitch and moan on an internet forum (in yet further irony the bitching and moaning coming from you is now directed at me), do something about it. My ex and I are still good friends because of our kids in spite of the fact our relationship ended years ago. The reason I give men the benefit of the doubt in this discussion is because the happiest men I know are dads but if you don't have kids with your man and he's incorrigibly miserable, say hasta la vista, baby. Life's too short to be with people like that

NotJustACigar Sat 13-Jul-19 22:45:17

Oh thank God a man is here to tell us all what we should do, I'm so grateful, aren't you grateful too, ladies?

fluffygreenmonsterhoody Sat 13-Jul-19 22:58:37

The thing is, this thread hasn’t just been bitching and moaning. It’s been pretty straightforward sharing of experiences and a couple of suggestions for improving things.

I’ve been unaware that I’ve been ‘chivvying’ DH for years and it’s just reading this that’s made me realise that I’ve been doing so.

That’s quite a big thing for me, and has helped me understand why I’m gradually getting more and more emotionally exhausted.

So, thanks everyone who’s been in the same boat, it’s actually helped to know I’m not alone. Which is pretty much the whole point of mumsnet isn’t it?

TheVoiceInTheShed Sat 13-Jul-19 22:59:19

Carewser I can tell what type you are from your use of 'ladies' in your first sentence and the use of 'bitching' in your post, are you in on your own in a Saturday night?....wonder why hmm

ManicGirl Sat 13-Jul-19 23:51:29

Yikes. This seems to have taken a different turn. @fluffygreenmonsterhoody Thank you for your comments. I agree that, amongst the tongue in cheek comments and some very entertaining examples, there have been some really useful suggestions.
I've realised that I shouldn't simply accept that 'he's just like that' because it really is starting to impact on the kids, DS especially who takes everything he says as gospel.

SparklesandFlowers Sun 14-Jul-19 08:27:23

I don't think carewser had read our responses, really. He suggests we do something about it rather than moan. Well, plenty of us have suggested things we do or things for others to try.

jackstini Sun 14-Jul-19 14:34:00

Thanks for the suggestions and the support - it is good to know we're not alone and have some ideas!

pointythings Sun 14-Jul-19 15:23:45

Why thank you, carewser for your manly perspective, which will no doubt clear the way for us naive foolish females to see the error of our ways. Because of course none of us have tried anything at all to improve our lives, we have just moaned on this internet forum.

I love a good mansplainer, me.

carewser Sun 14-Jul-19 20:01:07

You "ladies" make me so happy that I have not involved myself with any of you as none of you seem to have enough introspection to see the hypocrisy of complaining about complainers. My only complaint is that i'm not gay. "Pointythings", you sound like the type to use one on a man someday, you're a real charmer, all the while deluding yourself about how "upbeat" you are

Thequaffle Sun 14-Jul-19 20:03:13

Ugh he sounds like Adrian Mole with chronic pessimism!

pointythings Sun 14-Jul-19 20:12:38

Oooh, misogyny as well as mansplaining! Go on, carewser, give us more so I can call House!

Not quite sure what 'use one on a man' means though. And you need to look up the meaning of the word hypocrisy - I don't think it means what you think it means.

TheVoiceInTheShed Sun 14-Jul-19 20:17:48

Are you being deliberately dense Carewser ? No one needs you to mansplain, it is you who doesn't understand....
The women on here are supportive of each other, often that means comparing experiences and talking about our own similar situations which then often sheds light on a problem, you don't seem to understand the spirit of MN and perhaps you would be better suited elsewhere, I do t think your input will be missed somehow.

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