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DH negative all the time - driving me crazy!

(98 Posts)
ManicGirl Fri 12-Jul-19 18:43:25

His negativity around me and the kids is really starting to grate as I'm worried that they will start to view life with an equally pessimistic attitude.
He came home today and the first thing he did was moan to DS7 about someone parking illegally at work. He snipes about colleagues and moans about his job even though he likes it.
If we're out and our train is 2 minutes late he'll go off on one at the state of Britain's railways.
Today I told the kids we could have a picnic tea in a park of their choice. They chose one that is 20 minutes away and costs a total of £7 for all of us on the train. He shouted at me that I was throwing money away, we should use local park etc. He's refused to come so we're out in sun at the park and he's sat at home. It just seems endless arguments and misery.
Please tell me I'm not the only one living with a total misery guts?

clucky3 Sat 13-Jul-19 08:08:36

Mine is quite negative too, generally averse to change and a big fan of the automatic no. I find it totally exhausting

clucky3 Sat 13-Jul-19 08:09:15

I also have the same worries about it rubbing off on our children. His mother is just the same.

clucky3 Sat 13-Jul-19 08:11:30

Does anyone else find it frustrating that they or dc can do 90% right but it's always the 10% wrong that's mentioned...? 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Yes!

I've just started doing stuff without him. Last half term I took a week off and went to Wales with the kids, left the miserable sod at home.

EL2019 Sat 13-Jul-19 08:16:35

I did read somewhere that if you try and chivvy a negative person into a positive one by being upbeat then all that happens is that you both get stuck in your respective positions.
Apparently the only way to get their position to shift is to be even more negative than them.

Him: Someone illegal parked at work
You: Oh the country is going to the dogs. People who do that should be shot without trial. No second chances.
Him: ?

Frankly, that all sounds exhausting. But maybe worth a try to see what happens.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop Sat 13-Jul-19 08:25:55

Do not make the error of chivvying. I bet his mum did this?

I'd go for the direct approach: DH, I find your negativity and distrust of other people absolutely crushing and a huge turn off. Can you stop it?
Either that or just ignore any negativity. Literally don't utter a word when he starts on. Silence really freaks people out!
Works especially well with phone moaners.

Proseccopanda Sat 13-Jul-19 08:34:31

I have one too. He doesn't do the automatic no, but seems to find the negative in everything, and walks around sighing and looking miserable.

We went out for lunch yesterday. He moaned about a lady on the other table that was talking too much and too loud, then spent the rest of the day moaning about how full he was from lunch.

We went to the kids sports day a couple of weeks back. He spent the time moaning about all the other parents and that it was too cold and windy.

He also constantly gets at our eldest boy (13), he can't seem to do anything right. If I say something then I'm undermining him.

It's draining, and it often ruins perfectly nice days. I've started picking him up on it, and telling him he's turning into his Dad. I told him that just because he thinks negative stuff, it doesn't mean that it has to come out of his mouth. So far it's not stopped him, but maybe if I keep it up it'll annoy him enough to make him stop 🤷🏼‍♀️ xx

dalecooperscoffeecup Sat 13-Jul-19 08:35:08

Another shamelessly following, though secretly pleased it isn't just me. He takes DS for an activity once a week and I keep repeating "and how was it?" until he can report something other then the negative. I dread going anywhere with him and have probably started to avoid it.

Thinkinghappythoughts Sat 13-Jul-19 08:37:10

Another one here. I hate it too.

Sarcelle Sat 13-Jul-19 08:43:39

Sounds depressing and exhausting. Print out this thread and leave it for him to read as you go out with the kids.

It might cause a row (who cares) or it might give him pause for thought. Give him a few months to change his ways. If it's not working make plans to separate. Easier said than done but living with a misery guts will bring you and your children down.

justsomebodyox Sat 13-Jul-19 08:51:57

My dad is like this! Me and my 3 other siblings ended up leaving home as soon as we could to get away from the endless negativity. My poor mum now has to put up with it on her own and we've all been telling her a long time to leave him! You can't sit and have a nice conversation with him because it turns into a rant and he disagrees with everyone. Now all's my mum seems to talk about is what my dads been moaning about recently to the point I have to tell her I really don't care and that she shouldn't be with him if he's making her miserable..

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 13-Jul-19 08:59:43

ManicGirl

The only one responsible for his mood is him. Not surprised either to read that his own father is the same, this can be learnt behaviour. Do not let your son learn the same from his own dad.

Why are you and he together at all?. You're all being profoundly influenced by his moodiness which could also be construed as emotional abuse on his part.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from you both?

Preggosaurus9 Sat 13-Jul-19 09:04:50

Oh god. I have one of these. I thought it was mostly his job that was sucking out his positivity but he's finally got a new one, actually a dream job, and 2 weeks in it's all turning to shit again!!

I will try the be even more ridiculously negative thing. That will shut him up or at least provoke an argument!

SparklesandFlowers Sat 13-Jul-19 09:22:05

Another one here. We rent a house, it gets him down. We buy our own place, he's happy for a little while then it gets him down because we're having work done. We get some of the work finished and he's happy for a little while, then it gets him down because we've still got other stuff to do.

It's like he'll never be happy, any positive change only boosts him for a short time. I spoke to him about this a few days ago, made out as though we're both being negative and we're just bringing each other down and we should be more positive. It's worked a bit, I've noticed him saying something negative then saying something positive straight after.

BigSandyBalls2015 Sat 13-Jul-19 10:04:09

Yes. We are currently on a beautiful beach, one of the best I’ve ever been to in Europe, crystal clear water, sun shining, no worries .... he’s moaning about the cost of a taxi here (12 euros), suggesting we walk back (an hour uphill in 30+ degrees) wasps, suncream .... I don’t get it!

pointythings Sat 13-Jul-19 10:09:53

I had one of those. He started off lovely, more upbeat than me, and gradually sank into negativity, aided by copious amounts of alcohol. It got especially bad once the DDs started growing up and stopped being sweet little girls - they could do no right.

Between that and the alcoholism, I ended up divorcing him - he died before the divorce came through. Life without him is immeasurably better.

miaCara Sat 13-Jul-19 14:12:22

Constance1234 {Can you give some tips on how you put a stop to it? My DH isn’t too negative yet, but I think he has the potential to be and I’d love to know how to avoid this fate!}

Once I realised that he was happily being negative to every situation so that he could get his own way every time. I put my foot down - training if you like.We dont have a confrontational marriage so this was different for us.
I challenged every instance of his negativity.
Why is it 'rubbish'?
What is wrong - exactly - with this place ? etc etc etc
I refused to go places if he didnt give his word that he wouldn't spoil it by moaning. If he couldnt/woudnt I didnt go at all.
If we were out and he started I would ask if he intended continuing in this manner as if he was we were leaving.
It became the norm then that he didnt moan and it wasnt okay for him to do so and ruin our days. Written down it seems like an unending trial but in reality it was a few weekends worth of challenge ( and carry out the threat of leaving/not going ) before it started to get better.

The important factor here though is that he was and continues to be a good man who accepted the criticism . Another type of person /relationship would have a different outcome.

EKGEMS Sat 13-Jul-19 14:51:09

His behavior is unacceptable and detrimental to every family member. Speak to him in private and be honest and frank with him-if it continues he faces an ultimatum from you. He'll pull you down like an anchor if you choose to stay with him without him modifying his behavior

ManicGirl Sat 13-Jul-19 16:00:11

@EL2019 I like the idea of coming down to his level so he can realise how negative just comments sound. Today he opened the curtains and, looking at the clouds the first thing he said was, "another typical British summer". FFS. It's been glorious the past few days!
I'm going to have a chat with him tonight.

Shoxfordian Sat 13-Jul-19 16:03:58

Stop putting up with it
He sounds exhausting

carewser Sat 13-Jul-19 16:24:31

This topic is about how miserable your DH's are, yet this entire conversation has been one big complaint fest, you can't get more ironic than that

SweetLathyrus Sat 13-Jul-19 16:53:56

*@ManicGirl*, I'm a bit of a moaner - and I have friends who I know I can indulge 'Monday morning moan' with. But, we all undersatnd the enjoyment of a good cathartic moan, and wouldn't persist. And I am from a long line of moaners on my Dad's side. Very occasionally, DDad will allow the moaning to go on - one holiday when he hated the resort for perfectly understandable reasons, BUT had a brilliant time because he was with good friends, he had to be sternly reminded about the good stuff because he honestly hadn't noticed his own negativity (and complaints make a better over-dinner story!).

Sometimes, moaners just have to be snapped out of the habit

JaceLancs Sat 13-Jul-19 18:13:19

DP is a joy stealer
He moans about everything and everybody
I’m definitely a glass half full person as are my adult DC
He is a glass half empty
I find it draining
It’s yet another reason why we no longer live together
Now I can leave when it gets too much
I also frequently point out to him how much he moans
It is part of his depression and I do understand that but cannot be around it too long or it starts to infect me
He has many good points or believe me we would not still see each other!

TheVoiceInTheShed Sat 13-Jul-19 18:18:00

I would be surprised if you can stop this, certainly 'chivvying along' and being positive yourself won't work, you will get tired of that role eventually, trust me. Why should you have to have that draining attitude to deal with? It gets worse and worse over time and at the end of the day, feeling happy is what life is all about really, and the negativity will be affecting you and grinding you down even if you don't always notice it.
the only way to prevent a lifetime of misery is to end the relationship- sounds harsh? So is wasting your life....

JaceLancs Sat 13-Jul-19 18:18:43

Currently away together last minute unplanned cheap seaside hotel (DS booked and paid for with a friend for nearby festival and friend unable to make it so DS stayed elsewhere)
Before leaving home I told DP one moan or complaint, and I would drop him off at nearest train station and enjoy it on my own - not costing anything bar petrol and parking
He has listened so far.............

Zaphodsotherhead Sat 13-Jul-19 19:32:55

I practically Pollyanna myself to death trying to cheer up my OH. But now I've stopped. I don't live with him and I've back peddled on the relationship to the extent that we pretty much only text, and we only see one another every few weeks.

He thinks I'm busy. I'm not, I re read some of his texts the other day, and every single one contains something negative - how tired he is, how hard he's had to work, how stupid everyone else is, how it's too hot, too wet, too, humid, how he's got too much to do in the house... I ignore every single word of it now. He always has to have it worse than anyone else too!

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