Talk

Advanced search

DH negative all the time - driving me crazy!

(98 Posts)
ManicGirl Fri 12-Jul-19 18:43:25

His negativity around me and the kids is really starting to grate as I'm worried that they will start to view life with an equally pessimistic attitude.
He came home today and the first thing he did was moan to DS7 about someone parking illegally at work. He snipes about colleagues and moans about his job even though he likes it.
If we're out and our train is 2 minutes late he'll go off on one at the state of Britain's railways.
Today I told the kids we could have a picnic tea in a park of their choice. They chose one that is 20 minutes away and costs a total of £7 for all of us on the train. He shouted at me that I was throwing money away, we should use local park etc. He's refused to come so we're out in sun at the park and he's sat at home. It just seems endless arguments and misery.
Please tell me I'm not the only one living with a total misery guts?

missyjudy Fri 12-Jul-19 19:00:40

Life is way too short! I couldn’t live with somebody like that. How depressing!

miaCara Fri 12-Jul-19 19:05:05

Nah - I couldnt put up with that. My DH tried to go down the route years ago and he was just getting into his stride with the moaning when I cottoned on to his game. Soon put a stop to it.
There's no need- life is hard enough without carrying someone elses negativity on your shoulders. Get him to stop ( I went ballistic ) or get him to leave.

Mimilamore Fri 12-Jul-19 19:09:59

I've got one who pisses on my chips daily, rants and moans. I ignore until he says something positive or pleasant!

Namechangeforthiscancershit Fri 12-Jul-19 19:14:18

Well done for him for finding the only 7 year old that cares about illegal parking grin. No, sounds amazingly tedious tbh. Is it relentless with him?

Tonightstheteriyakichicken Fri 12-Jul-19 19:17:05

Did you know you were marrying Victor Meldrew or was he quite normal until recently? Is FIL like that?

toffeeapple123 Fri 12-Jul-19 19:53:29

LOL what a sad loser. Sorry OP! Was he always like this?

ManicGirl Fri 12-Jul-19 20:49:33

FIL is even worse. Putting the two of them together is like an episode of Grumpy old men! No, he was a carefree student when we met. The misery has crept up over time. I think the thought of him sat inside as we were all picnicking in the park really hit home with me though...

toffeeapple123 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:31:25

Most men turn into grumpy old men but your OP sounds a bit too young to be this grumpy. And to be missing out on a lovely day with his family in the sun. What a saddo.

Have there been any other changes?

Pessismistic Fri 12-Jul-19 22:24:49

Feel your pain I get it all the time. I dread conversations. £7 isn’t a lot and it was adventure for dc and a change of scenery he sounds like a man child it will only get worse as he gets older tell him it’s not good for the kids not join them and make such a drama out of it. They will blame themselves and dread outings. Or was it an excuse to get away to do something else? and £7 isn’t breaking the bank. Good luck op.

Baddabingbaddaboom Fri 12-Jul-19 22:34:43

I have one of those.. He's always sniping and picking and seeing the worst in every single thing and it drives me mad.

I have almost left for that reason and others but that's another story

carewser Fri 12-Jul-19 22:40:20

DH is an ironic acronym then

Constance1234 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:40:50

@miaCara Can you give some tips on how you put a stop to it? My DH isn’t too negative yet, but I think he has the potential to be and I’d love to know how to avoid this fate!

ManicGirl Sat 13-Jul-19 00:27:43

Yes, please give me tips as to how to put a stop to it! I find myself being ridiculously chirpy and optimistic about everything in an effort to balance his negativity. Which makes me laugh when I think about all my teenage years spent listening to Morrissey and Radiohead... I just wish he could realise how good he's got it.

If we go on holiday and have a great time but it rains for one day, the first thing he'll mention to other people when we get back, is the bloody rain .

FuriousVexation Sat 13-Jul-19 01:01:09

Have a read of "How to be Good" by Nick Hornby.

user87382294757 Sat 13-Jul-19 07:13:11

Mine can be like this. Tips..hmm, I tend to ignore it or don"t discuss things and just do it myself, like you went anyway. don't pander to it.

Trumpton Sat 13-Jul-19 07:32:43

I snapped one day and called him a Dementor and a fun-sponge and that he sucked the joy out of everything !
I did not hold back .
He had also got into the awful habit of the “Automatic No” without actually thinking about the situation.

He is a lot better now but finds change difficult .we just just had a complete fit of very grotty shower room but apparently the water is too sharp ! I have tasked him with sourcing a shoeerhead that deliver the spray through more gentle holes. But he is not to dilute (! ) the joy of the new shower room for me !

user87382294757 Sat 13-Jul-19 07:38:56

Can you try and see the funny side? Yes I also tell him too. I also get the automatic no thing, but then he can slowly come round to stuff. It is annoying but underneath they can be a nice person, just have negative tendencies.

We got a new buggy once, a Buggaboo one and he moaned about that. Said 'good luck with it' that it wouldn't fit in the cupboard etc. I had bought it in good condition but secondhand without mentioning it as knew it would be a 'no'. he slowly came around when he realised how much better it was. Now i just do the same, try not to mention things and just do them. It is still irritating though.

user87382294757 Sat 13-Jul-19 07:40:26

This might make you laugh- we had the report cards the other day and mine was moaning about how the grades were not exactly aligned. Argh. I explained it was probably as I had cut and paste it into an email

fluffygreenmonsterhoody Sat 13-Jul-19 07:47:07

I have one of these. Total empathy with the ‘automatic no’ response.

If I suggest going anywhere I have to be pre-armed for the inevitable four complaints:
1 it sounds expensive
2 there’ll be too many people
3 the traffic will be busy
4 the parking will be expensive/too far away:too busy

It’s exhausting. I just pack up and go with DS now. The sad thing is, I do t think DH even feels he’s missing out 😔

fluffygreenmonsterhoody Sat 13-Jul-19 07:48:10

* five complaints - forgot about the weather, which he’s always heard is going to rain / be too hot / cold / windy...

Oblomov19 Sat 13-Jul-19 07:52:54

I appreciate the fact he's not at the park is wrong, he is a killjoy, .......but we are a nation of moaners. I love a good moan: the state of things currently because of Brexit, the awful PM choice of horrible Hunt or worse still jolly Johnson. How can anyone be positive?

joystir59 Sat 13-Jul-19 07:54:48

Exh (autocorrect to Exhaust!) does it. That's not why he is Ex, but still. We are still friends but I won't let him do it around me.

Weezol Sat 13-Jul-19 08:01:52

Have you offered him a big spoonful of 'shut the fuck up' yet?

jackstini Sat 13-Jul-19 08:08:07

Shamelessly following for tips

DH can be positive about things that are his choice but the automatic No is tedious and knowing he will always comment on the bad aspects first can be draining

Does anyone else find it frustrating that they or dc can do 90% right but it's always the 10% wrong that's mentioned...? 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

clucky3 Sat 13-Jul-19 08:08:36

Mine is quite negative too, generally averse to change and a big fan of the automatic no. I find it totally exhausting

clucky3 Sat 13-Jul-19 08:09:15

I also have the same worries about it rubbing off on our children. His mother is just the same.

clucky3 Sat 13-Jul-19 08:11:30

Does anyone else find it frustrating that they or dc can do 90% right but it's always the 10% wrong that's mentioned...? 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Yes!

I've just started doing stuff without him. Last half term I took a week off and went to Wales with the kids, left the miserable sod at home.

EL2019 Sat 13-Jul-19 08:16:35

I did read somewhere that if you try and chivvy a negative person into a positive one by being upbeat then all that happens is that you both get stuck in your respective positions.
Apparently the only way to get their position to shift is to be even more negative than them.

Him: Someone illegal parked at work
You: Oh the country is going to the dogs. People who do that should be shot without trial. No second chances.
Him: ?

Frankly, that all sounds exhausting. But maybe worth a try to see what happens.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop Sat 13-Jul-19 08:25:55

Do not make the error of chivvying. I bet his mum did this?

I'd go for the direct approach: DH, I find your negativity and distrust of other people absolutely crushing and a huge turn off. Can you stop it?
Either that or just ignore any negativity. Literally don't utter a word when he starts on. Silence really freaks people out!
Works especially well with phone moaners.

Proseccopanda Sat 13-Jul-19 08:34:31

I have one too. He doesn't do the automatic no, but seems to find the negative in everything, and walks around sighing and looking miserable.

We went out for lunch yesterday. He moaned about a lady on the other table that was talking too much and too loud, then spent the rest of the day moaning about how full he was from lunch.

We went to the kids sports day a couple of weeks back. He spent the time moaning about all the other parents and that it was too cold and windy.

He also constantly gets at our eldest boy (13), he can't seem to do anything right. If I say something then I'm undermining him.

It's draining, and it often ruins perfectly nice days. I've started picking him up on it, and telling him he's turning into his Dad. I told him that just because he thinks negative stuff, it doesn't mean that it has to come out of his mouth. So far it's not stopped him, but maybe if I keep it up it'll annoy him enough to make him stop 🤷🏼‍♀️ xx

dalecooperscoffeecup Sat 13-Jul-19 08:35:08

Another shamelessly following, though secretly pleased it isn't just me. He takes DS for an activity once a week and I keep repeating "and how was it?" until he can report something other then the negative. I dread going anywhere with him and have probably started to avoid it.

Thinkinghappythoughts Sat 13-Jul-19 08:37:10

Another one here. I hate it too.

Sarcelle Sat 13-Jul-19 08:43:39

Sounds depressing and exhausting. Print out this thread and leave it for him to read as you go out with the kids.

It might cause a row (who cares) or it might give him pause for thought. Give him a few months to change his ways. If it's not working make plans to separate. Easier said than done but living with a misery guts will bring you and your children down.

justsomebodyox Sat 13-Jul-19 08:51:57

My dad is like this! Me and my 3 other siblings ended up leaving home as soon as we could to get away from the endless negativity. My poor mum now has to put up with it on her own and we've all been telling her a long time to leave him! You can't sit and have a nice conversation with him because it turns into a rant and he disagrees with everyone. Now all's my mum seems to talk about is what my dads been moaning about recently to the point I have to tell her I really don't care and that she shouldn't be with him if he's making her miserable..

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 13-Jul-19 08:59:43

ManicGirl

The only one responsible for his mood is him. Not surprised either to read that his own father is the same, this can be learnt behaviour. Do not let your son learn the same from his own dad.

Why are you and he together at all?. You're all being profoundly influenced by his moodiness which could also be construed as emotional abuse on his part.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from you both?

Preggosaurus9 Sat 13-Jul-19 09:04:50

Oh god. I have one of these. I thought it was mostly his job that was sucking out his positivity but he's finally got a new one, actually a dream job, and 2 weeks in it's all turning to shit again!!

I will try the be even more ridiculously negative thing. That will shut him up or at least provoke an argument!

SparklesandFlowers Sat 13-Jul-19 09:22:05

Another one here. We rent a house, it gets him down. We buy our own place, he's happy for a little while then it gets him down because we're having work done. We get some of the work finished and he's happy for a little while, then it gets him down because we've still got other stuff to do.

It's like he'll never be happy, any positive change only boosts him for a short time. I spoke to him about this a few days ago, made out as though we're both being negative and we're just bringing each other down and we should be more positive. It's worked a bit, I've noticed him saying something negative then saying something positive straight after.

BigSandyBalls2015 Sat 13-Jul-19 10:04:09

Yes. We are currently on a beautiful beach, one of the best I’ve ever been to in Europe, crystal clear water, sun shining, no worries .... he’s moaning about the cost of a taxi here (12 euros), suggesting we walk back (an hour uphill in 30+ degrees) wasps, suncream .... I don’t get it!

pointythings Sat 13-Jul-19 10:09:53

I had one of those. He started off lovely, more upbeat than me, and gradually sank into negativity, aided by copious amounts of alcohol. It got especially bad once the DDs started growing up and stopped being sweet little girls - they could do no right.

Between that and the alcoholism, I ended up divorcing him - he died before the divorce came through. Life without him is immeasurably better.

miaCara Sat 13-Jul-19 14:12:22

Constance1234 {Can you give some tips on how you put a stop to it? My DH isn’t too negative yet, but I think he has the potential to be and I’d love to know how to avoid this fate!}

Once I realised that he was happily being negative to every situation so that he could get his own way every time. I put my foot down - training if you like.We dont have a confrontational marriage so this was different for us.
I challenged every instance of his negativity.
Why is it 'rubbish'?
What is wrong - exactly - with this place ? etc etc etc
I refused to go places if he didnt give his word that he wouldn't spoil it by moaning. If he couldnt/woudnt I didnt go at all.
If we were out and he started I would ask if he intended continuing in this manner as if he was we were leaving.
It became the norm then that he didnt moan and it wasnt okay for him to do so and ruin our days. Written down it seems like an unending trial but in reality it was a few weekends worth of challenge ( and carry out the threat of leaving/not going ) before it started to get better.

The important factor here though is that he was and continues to be a good man who accepted the criticism . Another type of person /relationship would have a different outcome.

EKGEMS Sat 13-Jul-19 14:51:09

His behavior is unacceptable and detrimental to every family member. Speak to him in private and be honest and frank with him-if it continues he faces an ultimatum from you. He'll pull you down like an anchor if you choose to stay with him without him modifying his behavior

ManicGirl Sat 13-Jul-19 16:00:11

@EL2019 I like the idea of coming down to his level so he can realise how negative just comments sound. Today he opened the curtains and, looking at the clouds the first thing he said was, "another typical British summer". FFS. It's been glorious the past few days!
I'm going to have a chat with him tonight.

Shoxfordian Sat 13-Jul-19 16:03:58

Stop putting up with it
He sounds exhausting

carewser Sat 13-Jul-19 16:24:31

This topic is about how miserable your DH's are, yet this entire conversation has been one big complaint fest, you can't get more ironic than that

SweetLathyrus Sat 13-Jul-19 16:53:56

*@ManicGirl*, I'm a bit of a moaner - and I have friends who I know I can indulge 'Monday morning moan' with. But, we all undersatnd the enjoyment of a good cathartic moan, and wouldn't persist. And I am from a long line of moaners on my Dad's side. Very occasionally, DDad will allow the moaning to go on - one holiday when he hated the resort for perfectly understandable reasons, BUT had a brilliant time because he was with good friends, he had to be sternly reminded about the good stuff because he honestly hadn't noticed his own negativity (and complaints make a better over-dinner story!).

Sometimes, moaners just have to be snapped out of the habit

JaceLancs Sat 13-Jul-19 18:13:19

DP is a joy stealer
He moans about everything and everybody
I’m definitely a glass half full person as are my adult DC
He is a glass half empty
I find it draining
It’s yet another reason why we no longer live together
Now I can leave when it gets too much
I also frequently point out to him how much he moans
It is part of his depression and I do understand that but cannot be around it too long or it starts to infect me
He has many good points or believe me we would not still see each other!

TheVoiceInTheShed Sat 13-Jul-19 18:18:00

I would be surprised if you can stop this, certainly 'chivvying along' and being positive yourself won't work, you will get tired of that role eventually, trust me. Why should you have to have that draining attitude to deal with? It gets worse and worse over time and at the end of the day, feeling happy is what life is all about really, and the negativity will be affecting you and grinding you down even if you don't always notice it.
the only way to prevent a lifetime of misery is to end the relationship- sounds harsh? So is wasting your life....

JaceLancs Sat 13-Jul-19 18:18:43

Currently away together last minute unplanned cheap seaside hotel (DS booked and paid for with a friend for nearby festival and friend unable to make it so DS stayed elsewhere)
Before leaving home I told DP one moan or complaint, and I would drop him off at nearest train station and enjoy it on my own - not costing anything bar petrol and parking
He has listened so far.............

Zaphodsotherhead Sat 13-Jul-19 19:32:55

I practically Pollyanna myself to death trying to cheer up my OH. But now I've stopped. I don't live with him and I've back peddled on the relationship to the extent that we pretty much only text, and we only see one another every few weeks.

He thinks I'm busy. I'm not, I re read some of his texts the other day, and every single one contains something negative - how tired he is, how hard he's had to work, how stupid everyone else is, how it's too hot, too wet, too, humid, how he's got too much to do in the house... I ignore every single word of it now. He always has to have it worse than anyone else too!

MitziK Sat 13-Jul-19 19:53:37

I have a sneaking admiration for FIL shortly before he left MIL.

They were going on holiday together for the first time in years (she'd come up with reasons why they couldn't, such as money - he made plenty - inconvenience, that the weather would be bad, the house would probably be burgled, people would be horrible, the hotel would be dirty, etc) and he'd asked her to navigate through a particularly complicated bit.

She was so busy moaning that she didn't notice him adjust his course (as she was obviously too busy to look at the map) and she fell asleep. She woke up as they were pulling into their road. He dropped her off, drove away and spent the weekend in a nice hotel the local pub by himself.

DP has a tendency to complain at the idea of places being busy, there being horrible people (his ex's mates), the cost, the weather being too hot, etc. After plenty of 'it's not that hot, we have sunblock, I don't give a fucking shiny shit if she or her mates are there or not, I want to go with you, I have the money, etc, etc', I snapped at him that he was sucking any joy out of my life and I was tired of having to be so fucking relentlessly chirpy around him.

Turns out that when he had been very ill with depression, the one thing that got through to him was my coming home from work and incessantly wittering at him - the idea that I was losing that scared the crap out of him and he started coming along to things, looking at me grinning and splashing in puddles when it pissed down and generally being too bloody minded to focus on the negatives. My warped sense of humour got him a couple of times as well - deadpanning the most inappropriate comment possible when something was actually pretty shit disarmed him a few times when he was in danger of slipping back.

I grew up with the 'nothing will ever be good enough'/''ah, but this fantastic thing is actually crap because...' bollocks ringing in my ears. I'm not about to tolerate it in my own home.

carewser Sat 13-Jul-19 20:47:13

This thread is a perfect example of why I will spend the rest of my life alone, because this is (almost) all a bunch of women in relationships that can't see the hypocrisy of whining and complaining about their men being whiners and complainers and when I bring it up, I get ignored. On top of that almost none of you have any interest in being understanding to what they think, feel or say. Overwhelmingly when i've heard men complain about things-they have a point so maybe some of you would just rather live in a happy, fantasy world of sunshine, unicorns and rainbows, except the world isn't like that

Since you all seem to love acronyms so much ladies, here's one for you-"GTBA"=Grateful To Be Alone

pointythings Sat 13-Jul-19 20:52:58

Well, carewser, on behalf of all the women who have put up with years of moaning from their other halves whilst they've tried to keep things together and provide some family fun - thank you for not inflicting yourself on us. hmm

BitOfFun Sat 13-Jul-19 21:08:06

I think it got ignored, carewser, because it came across as a smart-aleck remark or "gotcha".

TheVoiceInTheShed Sat 13-Jul-19 21:12:43

Well said Pointythings methinks a nerve has been hit after recognising himself in the thread, ahh diddums , I would wager he is a 'poor me' type too so will go off to lick his wounds now
Don't let the door bang your arse in the way out mate grin

Val5555 Sat 13-Jul-19 21:29:33

I think a lot of men find family life a bit shit so you get this negativity on the back of that.

Saying that you could be talking about my mother so it’s not just blokes.

serialtester Sat 13-Jul-19 22:01:57

Carewser - it's not just about a male/female thing. It's about when one parents negativity/unenthusiasm impacts on children.

MitziK Sat 13-Jul-19 22:08:02

No, you are right and the world isn't all sunshine and unicorns and rainbows, @carewser.

But it isn't all floods, pestilence and disease, either. And if somebody focuses on those to such an extent, they make it impossible to see or enjoy what is good in the world, especially if they then try and stop other people from seeing the good things as well.

SparklesandFlowers Sat 13-Jul-19 22:08:43

carewser That's a difference between letting off a bit of steam on an Internet forum once and constantly being negative about life.

Or can you not actually see the difference?

Iggly Sat 13-Jul-19 22:09:33

My dh is a negative fucker. He seems to be in some sort of victim mentality mode.

When he’s the one responsible for his own fucking happiness, not the rest of the world. Fucks sake.

But his parents are like that. For example, today, they came to visit and dd was doing her cartwheel routines or something. They kept saying “oh no, you’ll hurt yourself”.

Couldn’t bring themselves to say something nice.

Dh isn’t in a great place though so I understand. It’s definitely getting worse. But by painting himself as a passive victim in all of this, he gets nowhere.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth Sat 13-Jul-19 22:17:04

My DH is like this! He also does the automatic 'No'. I call him 'Monsieur Non'. And he also hated my Bugaboo. My DH gets it from FIL. He's a miserable bastard as well.

MirandaGoshawk Sat 13-Jul-19 22:26:04

My DH is a moaner sometimes. I have found the best thing is to agree that yes, it's terrible, and then change the subject. But I do have one tip: give him a time limit. Tell him that he has ten minutes to have a good moan about everything (parking, weather, Britain going to the dogs, whatever) and then he must stop. So he moans, and you don't interrupt, and he gets it off his chest. If he's still going after ten minutes, you tell him time's up, and you start talking about something else. Later, when he starts moaning again, you say No, you had your say, and you refuse to listen until the next day. This works if yiu keep at it, as they realise how ridiculous they're being.

NotJustACigar Sat 13-Jul-19 22:39:12

My DH does this - his most commonly uttered phrase is "oh for fucks sake". I've told him before that he sucks the joy out of things and I think that hurt his feelings a bit because he didn't realise he was doing it. He told me his ex wife and their kids used to call him Mr No!". For him a lot of it comes from anxiety so I do sympathise to a degree but not too the point it's going to be allowed to bring me down everyday.

I sometimes do the "respond with something ridiculously more negative" thing and that usually makes him laugh and he'll stop. And sometimes I respond with over the top sympathy like "oh poor you I can't believe such a horrible fate has befallen you" if he's stuck in traffic an extra five minutes or something. It makes him realise he's being ridiculous. He's not as bad as he used to be and I think he r
had accepted that he has to make an effort. I came across this quote that I sometimes tell him when he's being negative and I think it's got through to him a bit: "Life will bring you pain all by itself. Your responsibility is to create joy." Milton Erickson

carewser Sat 13-Jul-19 22:43:15

Here are the options ladies because i'm sure some of you are in relationships with negative, miserable blokes-END IT! Particularly if your man is not willing to discuss it and/or see a mental health professional about it. If you have kids that's obviously a little trickier because it's important that your kids have a dad but rather than bitch and moan on an internet forum (in yet further irony the bitching and moaning coming from you is now directed at me), do something about it. My ex and I are still good friends because of our kids in spite of the fact our relationship ended years ago. The reason I give men the benefit of the doubt in this discussion is because the happiest men I know are dads but if you don't have kids with your man and he's incorrigibly miserable, say hasta la vista, baby. Life's too short to be with people like that

NotJustACigar Sat 13-Jul-19 22:45:17

Oh thank God a man is here to tell us all what we should do, I'm so grateful, aren't you grateful too, ladies?

fluffygreenmonsterhoody Sat 13-Jul-19 22:58:37

The thing is, this thread hasn’t just been bitching and moaning. It’s been pretty straightforward sharing of experiences and a couple of suggestions for improving things.

I’ve been unaware that I’ve been ‘chivvying’ DH for years and it’s just reading this that’s made me realise that I’ve been doing so.

That’s quite a big thing for me, and has helped me understand why I’m gradually getting more and more emotionally exhausted.

So, thanks everyone who’s been in the same boat, it’s actually helped to know I’m not alone. Which is pretty much the whole point of mumsnet isn’t it?

TheVoiceInTheShed Sat 13-Jul-19 22:59:19

Carewser I can tell what type you are from your use of 'ladies' in your first sentence and the use of 'bitching' in your post, are you in on your own in a Saturday night?....wonder why hmm

ManicGirl Sat 13-Jul-19 23:51:29

Yikes. This seems to have taken a different turn. @fluffygreenmonsterhoody Thank you for your comments. I agree that, amongst the tongue in cheek comments and some very entertaining examples, there have been some really useful suggestions.
I've realised that I shouldn't simply accept that 'he's just like that' because it really is starting to impact on the kids, DS especially who takes everything he says as gospel.

SparklesandFlowers Sun 14-Jul-19 08:27:23

I don't think carewser had read our responses, really. He suggests we do something about it rather than moan. Well, plenty of us have suggested things we do or things for others to try.

jackstini Sun 14-Jul-19 14:34:00

Thanks for the suggestions and the support - it is good to know we're not alone and have some ideas!

pointythings Sun 14-Jul-19 15:23:45

Why thank you, carewser for your manly perspective, which will no doubt clear the way for us naive foolish females to see the error of our ways. Because of course none of us have tried anything at all to improve our lives, we have just moaned on this internet forum.

I love a good mansplainer, me.

carewser Sun 14-Jul-19 20:01:07

You "ladies" make me so happy that I have not involved myself with any of you as none of you seem to have enough introspection to see the hypocrisy of complaining about complainers. My only complaint is that i'm not gay. "Pointythings", you sound like the type to use one on a man someday, you're a real charmer, all the while deluding yourself about how "upbeat" you are

Thequaffle Sun 14-Jul-19 20:03:13

Ugh he sounds like Adrian Mole with chronic pessimism!

pointythings Sun 14-Jul-19 20:12:38

Oooh, misogyny as well as mansplaining! Go on, carewser, give us more so I can call House!

Not quite sure what 'use one on a man' means though. And you need to look up the meaning of the word hypocrisy - I don't think it means what you think it means.

TheVoiceInTheShed Sun 14-Jul-19 20:17:48

Are you being deliberately dense Carewser ? No one needs you to mansplain, it is you who doesn't understand....
The women on here are supportive of each other, often that means comparing experiences and talking about our own similar situations which then often sheds light on a problem, you don't seem to understand the spirit of MN and perhaps you would be better suited elsewhere, I do t think your input will be missed somehow.

TheVoiceInTheShed Sun 14-Jul-19 20:19:16

'DONT' think you'll be missed obvs! grin

Iggly Sun 14-Jul-19 20:19:56

So should we all be sweetness and light @carewser about our complaining DHs....?

Or perhaps, as you fail to appreciate, we are fed up and it’s quite a serious issue. Whereas many of us have husbands who find anything and everything to moan about - we are desperately trying to be positive. It’s boring and wearing.

SparklesandFlowers Sun 14-Jul-19 20:20:28

My previous comment still stands - carewser can't seem to see the difference between sharing/ venting once on an Internet forum to get some ideas and constantly being negative about everything in life.

Hopefully people have found some useful tips on this thread. I called DH out on his negativity today and he immediately suggested we go out for a nice walk and we had a great time. I think he's starting to realise how tough his negativity can be on me, usually we'd have ages of it but it was literally one comment today.

MamaMumMama Sun 14-Jul-19 20:48:37

I have one of these- it does my nut

Charles11 Sun 14-Jul-19 21:08:20

I laughed reading this thread because it describes my dh too. I just read bits out to him and said ‘there are more like you out there!’
He took it quite well. He does have good points so I don’t want to leave him despite what carewser thinks I should do, but OMG the moaning!
He is always moaning about traffic and driving, the state of the country, the state of the trains, the state of the younger generations. It drives me mad.
I let him moan briefly to get it out of his system then just tell him to stop moaning and it’s boring listening to it.
I don’t care if I sound insensitive as some of the monologues I’ve had to listen have been ridiculous.

I’ve told him that I’ll never let him bring me and the kids down to his level and we’re going to enjoy life whilst he passes his time away in misery and dullness, seething away to himself.

pointythings Sun 14-Jul-19 21:23:19

Charles11 that is a good strategy for a general moaner, but it doesn't work when it gets to the stage where nothing is ever good enough and nothing makes the person happy - except possibly moaning. Oh, and just to be absolutely clear - I'd say the same if the OP on here were a man complaining about his DW's negativity dragging everyone down.

If you're not happy, work out what's making you unhappy and change it.

In my case the line was crossed when my H got to the stage where he couldn't say anything kind or positive to his DDs. They could come home with stellar reports, but he'd moan because they left a used glass on the counter (this from the man who never washed his own dishes or cleared down after dinner), or because one of them used the word 'shit' in conversation (because his late sainted mother hated swearing) or because any of a hundred trivial miseries. My DDs learned to walk on eggshells around him.

WhoKnewBeefStew Sun 14-Jul-19 21:34:28

Urghhh this was my ex dh, and one of the reasons I divorced him.

I remember one evening, we had a rare kid free night, so I booked a surprise visit to the cinema to watch a preview of something he was really into.

He moaned about the price of the tickets (even though I’d paid for them)
He moaned about the price of the popcorn
Then the coke
Then he moaned that the 3D glasses gave him a headache last time
Then he moaned the adverts were too long
Then when the film started, he moaned it was too loud!
I walked out and sat in the car. When he came out I gave it to him both barrels about him being a fun sponge, then didn’t hold back every time he started. My fav line was ‘can you please say one positive thing about today please’ it worked to a degree.

I’m now with a man who’s outlook and positivity is on par with mine, and it’s SO wonderful and I count my lucky stars every night

MeowTseTung Sun 14-Jul-19 22:05:44

But ... MN as a whole is a hive of negativity towards men, often it's deserved, I agree, but there's very few examples where women seem truly happy with your partner. As a man looking in, I see very little reason to be positive about relationships if this is how we are generally perceived even though I've tried to maintain a positive attitude towards life. Women are very very fortunate however to have this place to vent their complaints, fears, gripes, regardless of the magnitude. There are online forums for men / dads. But let's face it. Compared to MN they're absolute shite. And the seeming lack of any sort of alternative avenue for men to vent their collective spleens will quite possibly leave you, the partners, and your families as the first point of least resistance.

But if constant negativity from a partner is dragging you down, then leave. I did.

TheVoiceInTheShed Sun 14-Jul-19 22:06:36

It's one of the reasons my H is now an exDH, countless holidays marred by negative crap and self indulgent 'poor me' crap, the DC's and I would be having fun and it was so unfair it could all be ruined by ONE persons mood/moaning - his.
It really is soul destroying in the end, you can tie yourself in knots trying to make them happy but their misery is their responsibility ultimately and why waste your time, in my experience it's very difficult impossible to change a negative person.

Charles11 Sun 14-Jul-19 22:14:30

I don’t know if this happens to anyone else but if dh is being particularly negative, I do try to lighten him up, often it doesn’t work and impacts on my mood so I end up snapping at the kids.
It’s really horrible.
I need a way to get it out of my system so I don’t stop being my normal self.

TheVoiceInTheShed Sun 14-Jul-19 22:30:10

You could try counting out loud every negative thing that you DH says, he may be shocked into changing when he realises just how often he is doing it, having said that it didn't work when I tried it with my ex DH grin

Fuckface7 Sun 14-Jul-19 22:53:14

You're not alone. It's at best selfish and at worst draining, stressful and a bit frightening at times. Dementors are just horrible.

user87382294757 Mon 15-Jul-19 09:23:43

But ... MN as a whole is a hive of negativity towards men

Yep and also lots of very negative posts in general, wonder if it is also suggested the men should leave those women, even if they perhaps have something underlying like depression hmm

pointythings Mon 15-Jul-19 09:34:42

user it depends with depression. My H had it. But he did nothing to help himself. Kept drinking heavily though alcohol is a depressant, didn't engage with therapy, didn't make lifestyle changes. If someone sucks the joy out of everyone around them and will not work towards change because 'this is just how I am' then it's time to leave. Doesn't matter which half of the partnership it is.

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 15-Jul-19 10:10:23

user but that's missing the point that the reason people are generally on fora like this is to seek advice for situations that are difficult or upsetting. There's very little mileage in being on a forum simply to say 'my DH is wonderful and treats me well and is a fabulous father to our children.' is there? What's everyone going to reply - 'that's nice, dear'?

DiscontinuedModelHusband Mon 15-Jul-19 10:30:49

call them out on it!

clearly and deliberately.

tell them it's affecting how much you respect them.

tell them it's making you less attracted to them.

tell them that the kids don't want to spend as much time with them as a result of it.

chivvying along, trying to counter-balance with excessive positivity, or flat-out ignoring is just facilitating!

EKGEMS Mon 15-Jul-19 13:14:01

Hahaha USER So women should tolerate all negative,abusive behavior from a partner on the premise he MIGHT be depressed?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 15-Jul-19 13:34:14

Did you have a chat OP.
As others have said - life it too short for this crap, for you and your DC.
But I'd just being saying 'Jeez, negativity AGAIN. You sound so much like your dad, boring!!'
Every single time!!

user87382294757 Mon 15-Jul-19 16:09:22

So women should tolerate all negative,abusive behavior from a partner on the premise he MIGHT be depressed?

I didn't say anything about tolerating abuse- I meant that the women on here with negative, depressive attitudes receive compassion, therefore shy is it so different for men? I can't see the OP saying anything about abusive behaviour either.

Charles11 Mon 15-Jul-19 16:19:15

The women on here with negative and depressive attitudes are here asking for help usually. They explain what the situation is and receive compassion mostly because they want support and change.
If our dh’s were the same, we wouldn’t be so frustrated with them.

user87382294757 Mon 15-Jul-19 16:27:49

Well, maybe they do need help. Maybe there is something underlying bothering them. And no, women with depressive attitudes do not always seek to change either. Sometimes both sexes can develop a victim mentality type attitude, in fact that is characteristic of depression, of not wanting / trying to help themselves and hiding their head in the sand.

TroubleWithNargles Mon 15-Jul-19 16:29:08

DH is getting like this, and I finally snapped when we were on holiday and arranging a trip out somewhere. He was moaning about something (either he was being a miser or it was something to do with a map - possibly both). I told him rather forcefully not to be such a miserable old bastard, and that I was more than prepared to go off and have fun without him, thanks very much.

DeeCeeCherry Mon 15-Jul-19 16:35:50

But ... MN as a whole is a hive of negativity towards men

Don't be silly🙄

I've been with DP 6 years and we're happy.

I was with ex 7 years before him. A constant moaner, put a damper on everything, his brothers and sister were very low contact with him because they couldn't stand his fucking moaning.

Every event we went to, he'd find something. Music too loud people too stupid distance too far he wasn't in the mood - always something. Then when we didn't go out he'd still dredge up reasons to moan. His own DD told him his moaning was entitled, selfish and draining and she was sick of it.

I knew the end had come when he droned on and on and on about hay-fever (I know it can be shit, I suffer too) then gave me a lecture as he felt I wasn't listening attentively enough. This, when he'd been banging on for 2 hours + after I'd had a very long and hectic day at work. I was barely in the door and he was moaning in a monotone.

Getting rid of him was like having had radio on same song stuck on repeat for years. Then all of a sudden, leaning over and turning radio off. Absolute, utter, blessed peace.

He's the type for sure who'd have his beak stuck in here going on about women hating men, he'd be here every day tho as it's more moan-fodder

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »