Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is this not weird?(24 Posts)
DP made a comment that really put me off a bit and I found very weird, he said he didn’t want our DD knowing my mum or sisters more than she knows him . I’m a bit like a) it’s an entirely different relationship and b) she does spend a bit more waking hours with them because he works long hours and she is usually asleep by the time he is back home. Other reason why I find it weird is because he keeps saying she needs to be around other people (I.e. not family) on a more regular basis, so it’s ok for he to know strangers better than DP but not my family. By the way DD is 10 months and goes to playgroups but will see nanna twice a week and aunties pretty much the same sometimes more or less depending on their shifts.
Am I the only one that finds these comments weird and a bit off?
I am guessing he is probably a bit jealous of them as they see your DD more than he does. It all evens out as they grow up and go to bed later.
Very peculiar thing to say. Tell him to make sure he has plenty of 1 to 1 time with her when he is not working.
Are you taking any notice, tho? Frankly it's ridiculous and possibly controlling, and you need to:
a. tell him so,
b. carry on seeing your relatives as before.
Very odd - he should be happy she has close relatives to love and care for her.
Red flag. He wants them away from your side.
Key question is, why?
No, I actually understand what he's saying.
He doesn't want them to have a stronger relationship with DD than him. He wants you to bring her up as a couple, not for you to make certain rules or have to follow certain routines because 'that's what nanny does/says'.
Basically he's telling you he'd rather put DD into nursery than her being with your mom (for numerous reasons, I presume), but he doesn't want to be so blunt about it because he knows you'll get offended.
I could be wrong but maybe take it from a different slant.... he might mean if say you were all in a room together with your mum and sisters and him, would DD interact more with you/them than him as she sees them more? As her dad, maybe he feels entitled that DD should have a closer bond with him than DD and your mum/sisters. At her young age she's more likely to recognise people she sees more often - she won't know who mum/dad/nanny/auntie are yet, just people she sees more regularly. The being around other people/strangers may be to dilute the people she sees regularly and that doesn't become the 'norm'.
My daughter saw more of her Grandad than her Dad due to him working long hours and would occasionally call Grandad 'Dad'' accidentally!
After I typed all that; basically what you said!
I think maybe your DP is a bit jealous of DD's relationship with her Nanna and aunties, which is a bit silly of him but also quite a natural feeling.
Does he have any family living locally? If so, do they see DD regularly too? Does DP get plenty of quality time with DD at the weekend?
But I’m very clear that no one sets the rules apart from DP and I, I’ve told him, I’ve told them in front of him. And MIL will set rules for her that he expects me to follow.
I get it you want a strong relationship with your child but should you not be comfortable in the position you hold in their lives. For me, so long as she is loved, it she do hsppens to be a daddies girl or nanny’s girl I couldn’t care less.. I mean I hope she’ll be a mummies girl haha but I wouldn’t stop her from seeing others she seems to be forming a close attachment to, she is her own person she’ll have preference and that’s ok.
OP, can you put yourself in DP's position? Imagine you were working full time and DD was seeing a lot of your MIL and FIL during the week. Are you sure you'd be completely fine with it?
no one sets the rules apart from DP and I this is only one aspect of parenting.
Can you afford for DP to go 4 days a week at work (or do his job allow him to work from home) where he could have a day each week with DD while you're at work?
That way she still gets to see your mom for 1 day and it will help him bond with DD on his day alone with her.
Do you think he is questioning his long hours? Maybe tell him to look for a different job with more family friendly hours.
@Pineapplefish, if I was working full time I would feel upset that I couldn’t be with her of course but I’d be happier that she is spending time with her family as opposed to anyone else. Perhaps that’s because I come from a big family and I’m all for it takes a village mentality. PIL live close by and spend equal time with DD I do try and encourage DP to take DD on his own but he won’t. As for quality time with him sighs he would much rather play Xbox and lay in, so he probably gets a couple hours with her on Saturday and Sunday!
Well, by his behaviour, he wants your dd to have a worse quality of life and level of interaction by being jealous of her closeness with your family, while not stepping up and enjoying his time with her when he has it. He's being really selfish and you shouldn't pander to it.
Maybe we just view families very different, he could go months without seeing his parents and grandparents quite happily.
Growing up I saw my aunties, uncles and nan a lot.. so much so that one of my aunties I call my second mum and I genuinely see her as such, doesn’t mean I don’t love my mum of course just I have the other super close bond in my life because my mum did work long hours. My DP didn’t have such an upbringing and was in nursery from 6 months.
I don’t know I just feel like it’s him saying I don’t want them around DD so much as opposed to I wish I was around DD more. Which if it’s the latter than I totally get that.
Also I’m a SAHM so DD isn’t being looked after by my mum, when she sees her it’s either because I’ve dropped in for a cup of tea after going to a class or she is out and about.
He is working on it more now, yes, in the past he hasn’t.
I would not want my child having a closer bond with my mum/sister/whatever than they did with me. So I get where he's coming from.
It's up to him to make time in his schedule to spend time with her, though.
While you can understand he feels like he wants to be one of the most important people in your dd's life, it's not OK to do that by reducing contact with other people.
He may also be jealous of you being at home and having the ability to meet up with family randomly. But it's not OK to put pressure on you to stop seeing people. As a sahm, you need interaction and company.
Sometimes people have uncomfortable feelings like jealousy or envy, but you don't handle it by pandering to it or reducing the quality of your own life. He needs to sit with the emotions and work out how to make himself feel better without making his partner or child miss out.
He can easily be his dd's best loved adult by being there, being fun, loving her. She's totally programmed to love him back.
That’s the thing @category12 it feels more controlling, just the way he said it. It wasn’t a I wish I could spend more time with DD as I want us to have a closer bond at the moment I feel she has more of one with MIL it was just a bit... I don’t know, off.
On top of that I’ve now noticed sometimes if DD is going over to her aunties he’ll pick up and leave the room.
Nope he is saying it’s because he doesn’t want them influencing her
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.