Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Partner covered up past STD, struggling to conceive .(59 Posts)
Hello, I'm not really sure I'm posing in the correct place. But I'm looking for some advice, as I'm so angry and upset with my husband.
A bit of background.
We fell pregnant in October 2018, but sadly at the 12week scan the baby had in fact stopped growing at 9 and a half weeks. I had to have a D&C.
My periods haven't returned since the missed misscarage almost 8 months ago! I've had numerous appointments and have since been diagnosed with possible PCOS. I've attended most of these appointments on my own. I've been asked by most doctors, is there any change you could have an infection.. I've quickly responded no. I've only ever had one partner this being my husband. He has had 1 past relationship, but I didn't think much of it.
Well before I'm allowed to start Clomid to force ovulation we have to have 3 tests done.. He must have a sperm test, I must have a HGS test and a 3 way swap incase of infection or STIs. (Again I attended this appointment alone) and did explain to the doctor i was very unlikely to have an STI.
After explaining the outcome of the appointment to my husband he said he was sure he didn't have any STIs, too sure.... I asked how he was so sure? He just said he knew... he then said his ex had had Chlymida.. and he was tested and given the antibiotics just as precaution... I wasn't sure he was telling the truth.. it then later came out he was in fact lying. They had both had chlymida ! And both given antibiotics to clear it.
He "thinks" the antibiotics cleared it... he was never called back in to check if the infection had in fact gone.
What hurts the most is that he never told me, I've been with him for 6 years! If I have caught this from him it's been in my body for 6 years and could be the reason why we are having so much trouble.
Am I over reacting to this ? He keeps saying it was in the past and he didn't think it was relevant !
I see it as really relevant !!
I have no symptoms but this week wait for the results is killing me. I'm so close to leaving him. How can he of had an STD and not told me .
Would you expect your husband to have told you of and STD 4 years before you met? That he took antibiotics for ?
Thank you for your time and support xxx
The results were due on Friday.. but they lost the sample ! Then since found it.. so I'm still waiting on the result!! It's not easy having to wait so long problem is the fertility doctor won't book my HSG test without the results. It's holding us back
How are you doing OP? When do you get your results??
Still waiting for the test result 8 days later 😓
Op 7 weeks on the metformin is not long. Give it chance.
Does he know about every infection you've ever had?
We need to get over the stigma around STIs. We all have a past, we don't have to disclose every detail of it to people we meet in the future.
OP it's a hard thing to bring up, I certainly wouldn't be telling my DP unless absolutely necessary and I know that from experience.
Its not because he doesn't trust telling you, It's because it's embarrassing and there's definitely a stigma.
If he's had antibiotics and then you were the next person he slept with you're so unlikely to have it. You're not asked to go back after treatment because of how well the antibiotics work.
Im pretty sure the urine test at booking in checks for chlamydia amongst other infections!
Hi OP it must have been on his mind but he did only tell you when he knew you where being tested yourself. Maybe he felt guilty.
I hope it all works out for you.
Thank you for all of your opinions.
Having read all of your comments I do feel calmer about the situation.
I think I was perhaps blowing it up inside my own mind.
My results will be back in next week.. and I'll have to take it from there.
I'm holding onto the hope that my urine test during the booking appointment might of flagged something sinister up.
Im just upset that I'd been asked about history of STIs in my appointments and was possibly giving the wrong information. I just believed he would of told me. We are in a loving and honest relationship. It just hurt to know I didn't know this about him.
I've learnt a lot from this that's for sure.
Hi OP I'm sorry for what you are going through.
But I agree with some of the others that I think you are over reacting. This is understandable given your current emotions and situation, but honestly it was years before you met, he was treated, and he was probably just ashamed to tell you.
You need to park this until you actially get any results and think about it rationally,
4 years ago in the past before you and treated I’m not sure I would have mentioned it either. He’s got good grounds to believe it dealt with and in the past if he took the antibiotics.
You do seem to blowing this out of all proportion probably due to the upset over fertility issues and the subconscious need to find something to blame but I’d be astonished if he still has it post treatment
I'm sure I my urine test at the booking in app tested for chlamydia
I wouldn’t tell someone and I wouldn’t expect them to tell me either. It’s reliably treated with one lot of antibiotics and then it’s done with.
I find all the niggling and whining for information about past sexual history a bit of a triggery red flag in a relationship who had a very emotionally abusive ex who was obsessed with the concept of “purity”.
OP, I am so sorry you are experiencing fertility issues, I got diagnosed with POF at 32 so I can totally sympathize with all of the frustration and anger you feel about what you are going through. Everything probably feels like a blur. I see from your posts that you're really trying to look for answers and trying to understand what has caused this to happen to you.
There's so much misinformation on this thread about STIs...... I work in Public Health and have a particular interest in Sexual Health.
Here's a link to the NHS website about Chlamydia, there's some straightforward information in there. www.nhs.uk/conditions/chlamydia/
With Chlamydia, men are more likely to have symptoms compared to females. Tests are taken just by taking a sample of urine and testing for The causative bacteria.
Chlamydia is easily treated with antibiotics.
Chlamydia can cause a condition called Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, which can cause scarring of the fallopian tubes and make it difficult for the egg to reach the womb. This is a separate condition to PCOS.
PCOS is a different condition to PID - there's a link here to the NHS website about the condition: www.nhs.uk/conditions/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos/
PCOS is a systemic condition and related to hormone levels which are out of balance, there is often a genetic element to this.
When I got my diagnosis (although different to yours) I joined a support group for people who were going through the same thing as me, I found it really helpful to voice my thoughts and feelings and I got some really good advice from people. I think there is a support thread on mumsnet somewhere - I'll see if I can find the link for you.
I wish you all the best for the future. Sending positivity. 🌈
Having Chlymida for a number of years can cause scaring and this can contribute to fertility issues. Not for everyone but for some. I just don't want it to be another thing wrong with me.
I'm confused by this. You don't have chlamydia and neither does your DP. He might/might not of had it 4 years before you even met but he took a course of antibiotics and that was that. I don't think he was deceitful to not tell you its abut as useful as mentioning he once had a UTI and needed antibiotics, its completely irrelevant.
After 6 years I would expect some sort of symptoms. I had it for 6 months and experienced pain during sex, a pal had it for 18 months and ended up with PID. Yes it can have no symptoms but for 6 years in a female? Just can't see it.
You may not have it, it's unlikely imo that he still has it if he's been treated for it and hasn't cheated since.
This is why you both have a full screen before ditching condoms.
As for him not telling you ,that's a different matter. I wouldn't have thought it necessary unless it was something like herpes or some other incurable thing.
He may not actually know whether he ever had it or not. If a partner he was having unprotected sex with tested positive, they might quite likely prescribe him the antibiotics as a preventative measure without bothering with the test. So he would genuinely not know.
Either way, he was treated years before you met, and the chances this has anything to do with your current fertility issues are negligible. I don't think it was relevant and I don't think he was obligated to tell you.
When pregnant I only did a urine test? Would this of tested for chlymidia ?
On Tuesday I had a swab test for the STIs I didn't have a swab when pregnant.
Does it not have to be a swab test for STIs ?!!
I'm been on metformin for 7 weeks. It doesn't seem to of helped at all. I did have a booking appointment and had urine tests done. Nothing was flagged up. I didn't have any bloods done. They were set to be done on the scan day.. but things didn't go as planned...
From what I can remember, a urine test that you will have had when you were pregnant last time would very likely show elevated white cells if you had chlamydia. Possibly your blood test would too. I think you need to stop going on about this, it's not helping you to concieve being so worked up! By the way I couldn't concieve for 7 years and then started metformin for my pcos and 6 months later was pregnant. Now have 3 dc.
I think you have every right to feel as you do! I think it's important to be honest about your past, sexual and not.
I had to discuss a horrible thing with my partner when we got serious as I didn't want any secrets and it return he told me all about his past.
The fact that he was treated for it should mean you haven't got it.
It would still be detectable on a screening test though. So you haven't got it, or had it, and he didn't pass it onto you because he was treated for it.
When you were first pregnant did you have a booking in appointment with your midwife before being booked for the scan?
I have no symptoms but as for what I've read online I wouldn't always have any?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.