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Partner covered up past STD, struggling to conceive .

(59 Posts)
Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:36:56

Hello, I'm not really sure I'm posing in the correct place. But I'm looking for some advice, as I'm so angry and upset with my husband.

A bit of background.
We fell pregnant in October 2018, but sadly at the 12week scan the baby had in fact stopped growing at 9 and a half weeks. I had to have a D&C.
My periods haven't returned since the missed misscarage almost 8 months ago! I've had numerous appointments and have since been diagnosed with possible PCOS. I've attended most of these appointments on my own. I've been asked by most doctors, is there any change you could have an infection.. I've quickly responded no. I've only ever had one partner this being my husband. He has had 1 past relationship, but I didn't think much of it.

Well before I'm allowed to start Clomid to force ovulation we have to have 3 tests done.. He must have a sperm test, I must have a HGS test and a 3 way swap incase of infection or STIs. (Again I attended this appointment alone) and did explain to the doctor i was very unlikely to have an STI.

After explaining the outcome of the appointment to my husband he said he was sure he didn't have any STIs, too sure.... I asked how he was so sure? He just said he knew... he then said his ex had had Chlymida.. and he was tested and given the antibiotics just as precaution... I wasn't sure he was telling the truth.. it then later came out he was in fact lying. They had both had chlymida ! And both given antibiotics to clear it.

He "thinks" the antibiotics cleared it... he was never called back in to check if the infection had in fact gone.

What hurts the most is that he never told me, I've been with him for 6 years! If I have caught this from him it's been in my body for 6 years and could be the reason why we are having so much trouble.

Am I over reacting to this ? He keeps saying it was in the past and he didn't think it was relevant !
I see it as really relevant !!

I have no symptoms but this week wait for the results is killing me. I'm so close to leaving him. How can he of had an STD and not told me confused.

Would you expect your husband to have told you of and STD 4 years before you met? That he took antibiotics for ?

Thank you for your time and support xxx

blackcat86 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:42:46

I wouldn't expect it to be first date conversation but given the fertility issues you've both been having I would expect him to have put his pride aside and tell you. It's bad enough he would have unprotected sex without checking he's clear but to keep the lie going through this is awful. Is he apologetic at all? Does he realise the potential seriousness of what he may have done and that you could be infected?

Hwory Fri 12-Jul-19 14:51:47

When I was diagnosed with chlamydia I was just given the antibiotics. You don’t get called back in for another check. I assume it’s v unlikely that the antibiotics wouldn’t clear it.

I haven’t told my partner - doesn’t seem relevant.

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 15:01:33

@blackcat86
He is extremely apologetic. He says it's part of his past that he didn't think had any effect on me. This makes me question what else is in his past that has no effect on me?

I've told him that if I have been infected that I'm not sure I can stay with him because of the lies and untruthfulness surrounding it.

I'm just not sure if I'm being to irrational? But at the same time he had no intention of telling me until I was advised to go for tests and he eventually let it slip.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 12-Jul-19 15:09:51

4 years before you and he took anti-biotics.
I wouldn't think it relevant either TBH.
Herpes - absolutely.

JemimaPuddlePeacock Fri 12-Jul-19 15:15:12

No, it’s not relevant if he was treated.

If you’re someone who’s careful about your sexual health (as everyone should be!) surely when you decided to stop using condoms in the relationship when it was new you both went for an STI screen to make sure it was safe? That’s what I’ve done in each new relationship, both me and the new partner. Because nobody can be sure they’ve not caught something from an unfaithful partner they never discovered. I’ve never come off condoms with a new partner without us both attending screenings and sharing the results and that’s the practice the majority of my friends ascribe to as well.

You can’t really be mad at him for this when you’ve been happy to have unprotected sex with him without checking out your sexual health first.

EmmaC78 Fri 12-Jul-19 15:18:26

I wouldn't expect to be told that either. He was given antibiotics which he took so what would he mention? I think you are overreacting but can understand that if you are having a tough time.

JemimaPuddlePeacock Fri 12-Jul-19 15:18:46

He has had 1 past relationship, but I didn't think much of it.

This is so strange. Anyone can get an STI if they’ve been sexually active whether it’s with one prior partner or fifty. Maybe as he’s your only partner you’ve never received any info or education on sexual health and didn’t realise that to be safe you should always have a sexual health check prior to unprotected sex? Sheltered upbringing? Makes sense that you didn’t as a virgin but not sure why you both didn’t make sure he was checked.

JemimaPuddlePeacock Fri 12-Jul-19 15:20:32

But... I’d be unhappy he lied. That’s not acceptable. And i wouldn’t want to proceed with TTC with someone who’d lie to my face like that, whatever it’s about. So you’re not unreasonable to be angry he lied and it’d make me reconsider things too. But please do educate yourself on sexual health in the future and don’t have unprotected sex with anyone new until you’ve both been screened. It’s the safest way to protect your health.

CrunchTime0 Fri 12-Jul-19 15:21:14

No, it’s not relevant if he was treated which he was.

I wouldn’t tell either.

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 15:25:46

@JemimaPuddlePeacock
Thank you for your view on this.
We did talk about our sexual health before starting our sexual relationship.. I hadn't been with anyone else so had no chance of having anything.

He was very adamant he had no reason to be checked either (clear now he'd been checked 4 years earlier and treated for chlymidia)

I deeply regret not pushing him further into getting checked out rather than just taking his word for it without a real explanation.

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 15:28:26

Thank you all for your views on this. It's really helpful as in too embarrassed to talk to any of my friends about this.
I'm angry that over the last couple of years with us TTC he's had so many opportunities to tell me.. and the fact he knew he'd had the STD and didn't feel it was important to fully check it had gone before having a sexual relationship with me.

twattymctwatterson Fri 12-Jul-19 15:30:37

But he didn't have any reason to worry he had an sti. It's an extremely common infection easily cleared up by antibiotics. It was years before you met.

Full disclosure I caught the same sti from a previous partner and would never disclose that to a new partner because of the stigma involved. It has no bearing on you, you aren't at risk. It sounds like you're trying "blame" him for the fertility issues, you're having.

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 15:33:23

@twattymctwatterson
I'm not trying to blame him for our or my fertility issues. I do fully understand that I may not even have this infection. But if I do I've had it for a very long time.. and that won't be helping our fertility.
I just feel let down that he didn't let me know sooner.

twattymctwatterson Fri 12-Jul-19 15:38:05

Op you sound extremely uneducated about sexual health. He had the infection treated 4 years ago. The antibiotics work so well that you are not recalled and tested again. WHY would you have this infection?

PCOS doesn't have a link to chlamydia if that's what you're thinking?

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 15:41:02

@twattymctwatterson I know PCOS isn't liked to any form of SDI..
SDIs can lay dormant and some have no or very little symptoms.
I just feel like everything we are going through he should of told me.

twattymctwatterson Fri 12-Jul-19 15:45:02

Why would it be dormant following treatment? It strikes me that you perhaps come from a background that's very religious or conservative background. Do you feel that once someone catches an STI they're forever "tainted" by it in some way, even after treatment?

Would you feel the same way if you found out your partner hadn't disclosed a bout of measles to you?

TeaForTheWin Fri 12-Jul-19 15:50:53

Surely he should have mentioned it whether he felt it was relevant or not. I dunno...trust would be gone for me. Also very weird if he only had one sexual partner and managed to get chlamydia....hmmmmm.

I certainly wouldn't be trying for kids with him any time soon that's for sure.

lubeybooby Fri 12-Jul-19 16:00:31

this won't have affected you at all. as another poster said, they don't get called back to check it's gone. Long as he finished the antibiotics it will have been long gone way before you were ever around.

twattymctwatterson Fri 12-Jul-19 16:06:23

* Also very weird if he only had one sexual partner and managed to get chlamydia....hmmmmm.*

This is exactly the stigma I'm talking about. The only number of people you need to have slept with if you catch chlamydia is the person who's given it to you.

Ginnymweasley Fri 12-Jul-19 16:18:17

How is it unusual he only had one sexualt partner and then ended up with the infection? He only had to sleep with 1 person who had the infection to get it. He was just unlucky in that respect. The antibiotics will have cleared it up, as far as I know you don't have to go back and get checked once you have been given treatment.
How would you have reacted if he had told you in the beginning? There is no excuse for lying when asked obviously but I do wonder if he was scared of your reaction if he told you. Many people still seem to associate sti's with sleeping around etc and therefore judge people that have caught them.

AgentJohnson Fri 12-Jul-19 16:28:39

He shouldn’t have lied but didn’t you insist he got tested before you stopped using condoms? Now you just have to be patient and go from there.

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 16:29:29

@twattymctwatterson I just think it's something he should of told me about. I think it's just polite especially considering all of the appointments and investigation for infertility.

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 16:30:38

@AgentJohnson no I never insisted. I just asked and we left it there. I will forever regret not yelling and insisting he has the tests.

Loopytiles Fri 12-Jul-19 16:32:23

Sorry you have fertility issues.

Your H’s past STI is very unlikely to be a factor.

Loopytiles Fri 12-Jul-19 16:33:05

He should have been honest with you, and you should have insisted on tests before stopping using condoms.

twattymctwatterson Fri 12-Jul-19 16:39:13

Op you're likely not aware but it's considered fairly bad form to @ people on the thread. We're all here having a conversation, we don't need to get an email reminder every time someone speaks to us.

A minor treated STI dealt with years before you met has absolutely ZERO relevance to your fertility issues. The fact you're conflating the two things in your mind doesn't make them actually related. Your partner has the right to keep unrelated medical issues which pre-date you private.

Rtmhwales Fri 12-Jul-19 16:39:57

I don't get all the fuss for this - go get tested yourself. Find out if you even have it.

If you do, then you can rant at him but if you don't, this is all overblown for nothing.

He wasn't in the wrong to think it had been cleared up after antibiotics. You're both in the wrong for not having STI checks before sleeping together unprotected.

My best friend has had chlamydia a few times from taking back a cheating partner more times than I'd advise, including undiagnosed for God knows how long - she's conceived every single time she's wanted to without effort, including the first time while she still had the infection.

This is not necessarily the cause of your fertility struggles but get checked to rule it out or treated nonetheless.

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 16:56:10

Sorry I didn't know that putting @ would send an email directly. I was just trying to address some of your opinions.

I don't think this is the main reason for our infertility. I know I have PCOS and this is the main reason.

I'm just angry that he knew he'd had an STI and didn't let me know. And only now since I'm having to have tests to rule it out has he reluctantly told me.

Having Chlymida for a number of years can cause scaring and this can contribute to fertility issues. Not for everyone but for some. I just don't want it to be another thing wrong with me.

Meowington Fri 12-Jul-19 16:59:58

He was under no obligation to tell you. Once treated people aren’t re-tested like you’re assuming!

I think the fertility issues are causing you not to see straight.

Ginnymweasley Fri 12-Jul-19 17:07:06

But he had the sti in the past and been treated for it. So i can understand why he didn't think it was relevant. As far as he was concerned the sti had been treated so therefore was no concern to either of your health. Unless he didn't take the antibiotics then unless he got reinfected with someone else the chances of you getting clamydia are miniscule.
You are going through a tough time and I think you are looking for someone to be angry at rather than just being angry at the unfairness of it all.

BitOfFun Fri 12-Jul-19 17:10:59

Have you not been screened for STIs as part of your investigations? If chlamydia hasn't shown up, you haven't got it, and there's no reason you should have if he took the antibiotics.

MamaFlintstone Fri 12-Jul-19 17:12:45

I understand you’re going through a really difficult time, (I’ve been there myself with PCOS and fertility struggles flowers) but when you say you’ll “forever regret” not yelling at him to tell you more? That seems a really disproportionate reaction to this. He caught something, got it treated effectively with antibiotics and this was all years before you got together. Perhaps he should have mentioned it but honestly, I probably wouldn’t have thought to either if I was in his shoes.

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 17:20:04

I was tested on Tuesday as part of routine checks before Clomid. This is when he told me..

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 17:21:10

I have no symptoms but as for what I've read online I wouldn't always have any?

baubled Fri 12-Jul-19 17:24:44

When you were first pregnant did you have a booking in appointment with your midwife before being booked for the scan?

BitOfFun Fri 12-Jul-19 17:25:33

It would still be detectable on a screening test though. So you haven't got it, or had it, and he didn't pass it onto you because he was treated for it.

notsurewhattotype Fri 12-Jul-19 17:25:43

I think you have every right to feel as you do! I think it's important to be honest about your past, sexual and not.
I had to discuss a horrible thing with my partner when we got serious as I didn't want any secrets and it return he told me all about his past.
The fact that he was treated for it should mean you haven't got it.

bobstersmum Fri 12-Jul-19 17:33:27

From what I can remember, a urine test that you will have had when you were pregnant last time would very likely show elevated white cells if you had chlamydia. Possibly your blood test would too. I think you need to stop going on about this, it's not helping you to concieve being so worked up! By the way I couldn't concieve for 7 years and then started metformin for my pcos and 6 months later was pregnant. Now have 3 dc.

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 17:35:44

I'm been on metformin for 7 weeks. It doesn't seem to of helped at all. I did have a booking appointment and had urine tests done. Nothing was flagged up. I didn't have any bloods done. They were set to be done on the scan day.. but things didn't go as planned...

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 17:37:45

Does it not have to be a swab test for STIs ?!!

dalecooperscoffeecup Fri 12-Jul-19 17:39:21

It is a swab, yes (for women).

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 17:41:03

When pregnant I only did a urine test? Would this of tested for chlymidia ?

On Tuesday I had a swab test for the STIs I didn't have a swab when pregnant.

CmdrCressidaDuck Fri 12-Jul-19 17:41:28

He may not actually know whether he ever had it or not. If a partner he was having unprotected sex with tested positive, they might quite likely prescribe him the antibiotics as a preventative measure without bothering with the test. So he would genuinely not know.

Either way, he was treated years before you met, and the chances this has anything to do with your current fertility issues are negligible. I don't think it was relevant and I don't think he was obligated to tell you.

gamerchick Fri 12-Jul-19 17:48:41

After 6 years I would expect some sort of symptoms. I had it for 6 months and experienced pain during sex, a pal had it for 18 months and ended up with PID. Yes it can have no symptoms but for 6 years in a female? Just can't see it.

You may not have it, it's unlikely imo that he still has it if he's been treated for it and hasn't cheated since.

This is why you both have a full screen before ditching condoms.

As for him not telling you ,that's a different matter. I wouldn't have thought it necessary unless it was something like herpes or some other incurable thing.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone Fri 12-Jul-19 17:50:48

Having Chlymida for a number of years can cause scaring and this can contribute to fertility issues. Not for everyone but for some. I just don't want it to be another thing wrong with me.

I'm confused by this. You don't have chlamydia and neither does your DP. He might/might not of had it 4 years before you even met but he took a course of antibiotics and that was that. I don't think he was deceitful to not tell you its abut as useful as mentioning he once had a UTI and needed antibiotics, its completely irrelevant.

VixenSixen Fri 12-Jul-19 17:53:49

OP, I am so sorry you are experiencing fertility issues, I got diagnosed with POF at 32 so I can totally sympathize with all of the frustration and anger you feel about what you are going through. Everything probably feels like a blur. I see from your posts that you're really trying to look for answers and trying to understand what has caused this to happen to you.

There's so much misinformation on this thread about STIs...... I work in Public Health and have a particular interest in Sexual Health.

Here's a link to the NHS website about Chlamydia, there's some straightforward information in there. www.nhs.uk/conditions/chlamydia/

With Chlamydia, men are more likely to have symptoms compared to females. Tests are taken just by taking a sample of urine and testing for The causative bacteria.

Chlamydia is easily treated with antibiotics.

Chlamydia can cause a condition called Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, which can cause scarring of the fallopian tubes and make it difficult for the egg to reach the womb. This is a separate condition to PCOS.

PCOS is a different condition to PID - there's a link here to the NHS website about the condition: www.nhs.uk/conditions/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos/

PCOS is a systemic condition and related to hormone levels which are out of balance, there is often a genetic element to this.

When I got my diagnosis (although different to yours) I joined a support group for people who were going through the same thing as me, I found it really helpful to voice my thoughts and feelings and I got some really good advice from people. I think there is a support thread on mumsnet somewhere - I'll see if I can find the link for you.

I wish you all the best for the future. Sending positivity. 🌈

QueenofPain Fri 12-Jul-19 18:01:05

I wouldn’t tell someone and I wouldn’t expect them to tell me either. It’s reliably treated with one lot of antibiotics and then it’s done with.

I find all the niggling and whining for information about past sexual history a bit of a triggery red flag in a relationship who had a very emotionally abusive ex who was obsessed with the concept of “purity”.

baubled Fri 12-Jul-19 18:02:06

I'm sure I my urine test at the booking in app tested for chlamydia

Karigan195 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:08:19

4 years ago in the past before you and treated I’m not sure I would have mentioned it either. He’s got good grounds to believe it dealt with and in the past if he took the antibiotics.

You do seem to blowing this out of all proportion probably due to the upset over fertility issues and the subconscious need to find something to blame but I’d be astonished if he still has it post treatment

Farmerswifey12 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:10:51

Hi OP I'm sorry for what you are going through.

But I agree with some of the others that I think you are over reacting. This is understandable given your current emotions and situation, but honestly it was years before you met, he was treated, and he was probably just ashamed to tell you.

You need to park this until you actially get any results and think about it rationally,

Helena112 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:15:44

Thank you for all of your opinions.
Having read all of your comments I do feel calmer about the situation.
I think I was perhaps blowing it up inside my own mind.

My results will be back in next week.. and I'll have to take it from there.
I'm holding onto the hope that my urine test during the booking appointment might of flagged something sinister up.

Im just upset that I'd been asked about history of STIs in my appointments and was possibly giving the wrong information. I just believed he would of told me. We are in a loving and honest relationship. It just hurt to know I didn't know this about him.

I've learnt a lot from this that's for sure.

Mary1935 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:23:26

Hi OP it must have been on his mind but he did only tell you when he knew you where being tested yourself. Maybe he felt guilty.
I hope it all works out for you.

baubled Fri 12-Jul-19 18:25:19

OP it's a hard thing to bring up, I certainly wouldn't be telling my DP unless absolutely necessary and I know that from experience.

Its not because he doesn't trust telling you, It's because it's embarrassing and there's definitely a stigma.

If he's had antibiotics and then you were the next person he slept with you're so unlikely to have it. You're not asked to go back after treatment because of how well the antibiotics work.

Im pretty sure the urine test at booking in checks for chlamydia amongst other infections!

NoBaggyPants Fri 12-Jul-19 18:27:22

Does he know about every infection you've ever had?

We need to get over the stigma around STIs. We all have a past, we don't have to disclose every detail of it to people we meet in the future.

bobstersmum Fri 12-Jul-19 19:58:47

Op 7 weeks on the metformin is not long. Give it chance.

Helena112 Wed 17-Jul-19 18:08:48

Still waiting for the test result 8 days later 😓

Capricornandproud Wed 17-Jul-19 19:40:41

How are you doing OP? When do you get your results??

Helena112 Wed 17-Jul-19 21:10:41

The results were due on Friday.. but they lost the sample ! Then since found it.. so I'm still waiting on the result!! It's not easy having to wait so long sad problem is the fertility doctor won't book my HSG test without the results. It's holding us back sad

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