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How do you manage your child's contact with a narcissist?

(8 Posts)
FragrantMary Fri 12-Jul-19 09:41:47

Ex is difficult and utterly selfish. He cannot look after the emotional needs of our DS, but manages to feed him and cater for basic physical needs. There is a long list of twatty things he has done, basically putting himself first, not thinking, messing me and DS about, changing or cancelling contact arrangements on a whim. DS is 4. He has some additional needs which I am exploring a diagnosis for.
Things were working and fairly amicable until Ex got a GF. Now he wants to change contact to fit with GFs contact arrangements with her Ex, which is basically EOW whereas he now has DS one weekend night a week. He doesn't take responsibility for any parenting, just does the Disney dad thing, and resents doing it when GF is child free, but plays the super dad when GF has her child. He puts his own convenience first when making travel arrangements.

I'm sick of it. I have always been flexible when he has asked. DS needs certainty and a routine, with a little flexibility for special events as I see it. Anyway, when I have asked to swap a night Wx just says no, so I don't 'win'. It's ridiculous.
He now wants to take DS abroad for week. I don't trust him to keep DS safe, to watch him like a hawk (he is a runner), to ensure his wellbeing, etc.

DS says 'daddy isn't your friend, mummy'. Ex uses emotional manipulation with DS to get him to behave (lively child). Imposes no boundaries or discipline and has a temper like no other. DS comes home and behaves atrociously for 24 hours every week. I want DS to have a relationship with his DF but I also want to protect him from the worst of him. I try to talk to him rationally, but it's like wrestling a pig. Sigh.

jeaux90 Fri 12-Jul-19 09:57:16

I didn't. I took the advice of the therapist he was seeing for his "social fabrication" issues.

She said, take your daughter and run. I did.

Luckily he also lost interest because he found a new girlfriend or "supply"

My daughter has had no contact with her father for 7 years, she's 10.

I would accept the every other weekend arrangement as limiting your child's contact with him is probably the best thing for your child. Also, read up on the grey rock technique. It will help you hugely.

FragrantMary Fri 12-Jul-19 11:38:20

I think he will eventually lose interest. Right now DS is a prop to show his new GF what a great dad he is. I feel so bad for DS that he will never be a priority in his dad's life. How shit is that.

right now, 24 hrs at a time is as limiting as I can make it. 48 hrs at a time is too long I feel, for him to be sidelined and used. Ex takes him for days out when GF is there but when GF is busy, DS just plays on his iPad all day. my heart breaks for him

Amibeingdaft81 Fri 12-Jul-19 11:45:00

Every other weekend is great by the sounds of it? Reducing contact even more, but still in life. Why don’t you want this?

As for the holiday - I’d be concerned too. Sadly nothing you can do about it.

DarkestBeforeTheDawn4 Fri 12-Jul-19 11:52:33

If you're worried 48 hours in a row is too much maybe you could say you're happy to do EOW with STBX but he picks him up say 9am on Saturday and drops him back at 2pm Sunday. Or he picks him up early Saturday and drops him straight after lunch on Sunday. Something that's more like 1.5 then 2 days.

jeaux90 Fri 12-Jul-19 12:28:27

Don't feel sorry for your son. He will get it longer term. When my daughter was small she would ask and I would tell her that some people are not very good at being nice to other people.

Now she's 10 she couldn't care less. I would feel a lot worse if she'd been exposed to him as he is just an awful hollow shell of a being who just wanted to dress her up in Dior clothes etc. It really was all about him.

Your ex losing interest is just fine. Key is creating a happy stable home and relationship with you.

You are doing great.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 Fri 12-Jul-19 13:21:59

I would go for eow but try and reduce the time down. Also consider that he starts school soon so try and put into place something that's substantial. Eow would mean you also had less contact with him. If you asked for him to collect him at say 3pm and return him Sunday mornings he could start collecting him from school, meaning your interaction with him is even less.
Unfortunately there's loads of twatty ex out there unless there is solid proof no one appears to care.

missyjudy Fri 12-Jul-19 19:12:23

Surely you don’t have to agree to let him take him abroad? If he’s never had him for that long alone? I’d go see a solicitor for advice on what is reasonable contact. Does your child swim? Is he taking him somewhere with a pool? Is he able to protect him? If it was me, I’d make him take me to court for that. That way you could express your safety concerns. Surely he has to start with a small uk holiday first to prove he is capable? What about his passport? Has he paid for that to be done?

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