Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Ok, so I need help! I have no friends to talk to about this and it’s driving me crazy.
I suspect my fiance of 4 years is cheating on me. Again. We live together and have done for 3 years.
All the signs are there. I just can’t prove a thing and even if I did he would deny it. 2 years ago 2 desperate women found me on Facebook to tell me they were messaging and had slept with him. He denied both and still does to this day. I forgave him and moved on. Idiot I know!!! All was well until about 6 month ago.....
He keeps his phone on him constantly. Even if he wants to show me something on it he will screenshot it and message it me. He leaves the room to talk on it. It’s always on silent. Not enough to warrant a worry I know but here’s the rest..... when I ask to spend time together he’s always too busy. Too tired. But can go on his xbox all the time. Can make time to go meet his friends. He’s also stopped making any kind of effort with me not just with sex but cuddles, hugs, etc.
I was casually on BT site querying a bill and his mobile is on it. So I thought I’d check why the bill was so high in case he was ordering stuff. There’s a number that he’s ringing every day on his way home from work, on his way to work and throughout the day. It’s also being texted at times when I’m either still asleep in the morning or have gone to bed at night. Alarm bells right!?? Am I being paranoid? I haven’t spoken to him for three days because I don’t know how to feel. If I say something, he will deny it point blank. Also he has a knack of turning things around on me whenever I say I’m unhappy with something. So I just don’t. I can’t afford to leave him or kick him out right now. I feel so trapped with all this info, these feelings and what to do!!!
Also I need to add, we started planning the wedding until he turned around and said not to. He won’t talk about it. Realistically I’m not even engaged if he doesn’t want to get married. I think he’s bored but has too cushty a life to leave as has no where to go
I didn't want to read and run OP.
Maybe call the number on the bill and see who answers? If it is an OW, then you have proof to confront him.
By no means saying that is the right thing to do but it's the only thing I can think of right now! If it's true, I'd kick him out & sell the engagement ring. Cut back on spending as much as possible. Things being financially secure with him around is not worth the way you are feeling right now.
Even if there is no OW, the way he's treating you is not ok op.
Sorry you're going through this
Yeah ringing the number is a big no, I don’t have the confidence to do that and if it wasn’t another woman I couldn’t cope with the backlash if it came out. There’s children involved, I’ve just started a new job at small hours so I would lose the house if we split up. It’s such a hard situation. I’ve genuinely thought about just putting up and shutting up to keep a roof over my kids heads and be able to pay the bills. I wish I had friends to go out with and talk this over with or at least help me see if I’m being irrational or not.
You need to get an separation plan in place.
Why can't you afford to leave?
Do you have any friends or family you could go to?
You know you need to end this.
He is a liar and a cheat and it won't ever change.
Please find your self-respect and self-esteem and dump this vile creature.
It doesn't matter if he denies it.
So just say that you don't love or trust him anymore and this is over.
Then leave if you can.
What is the living situation?
Are you renting? Mortgage?
You deserve better OP. It’s as simple as that.
We rent but it’s my home. He moved 300 miles to move in with me so he has no one around here. My family arnt the type to put me up if something happened sadly aswell. Self esteem and respect is something I struggle with...I have BPD so this is why I’m questioning if it’s just my disorder making mind run away with these thoughts or if it’s genuine.
Tbh even if he's not cheating it doesn't sound like the type of relationship that is going to make you happy.
Get out now before you're legally bound to him!
Put the number into your phone and look up this person on whatsapp, if the person doesn't know about you, she might have a pic of the two of them as her profile pic. See can you use it to find the person on FB too.
I hope you are wrong OP but it will eat away at you until you know for definite.
He borrowed money off his family yesterday to have a work day out. He text me at 5.30pm to say he was leaving work yet he had rang that number at 5pm till the time he text me. I have images of him sat in our car parked up somewhere around the corner on his phone. Here’s me hitting the house, making sure there’s a meal on the table for when he is in and I don’t spend a penny on myself for salons, clothes, going out even for coffee yet I still seem to be doing everything wrong. I think I need to get the courage to either ring that number or just start saving money secretly to pay bills till I can get a better paid job for me and the kids
Oh, you know. Jesus, to be honest with you the evidence you've already described couldn't really be more conclusive without you walking in on them! I know it's easy to doubt yourself, but objectively, seriously, you know.
A non-confrontational thing you could do would be to Google the number, or put it into Whatsapp and see what picture you get. Equally I would totally ring that for you...
I’m doing the WhatsApp thing now as there are two numbers
OP - it seems from your post that things aren’t great and you are unhappy in this relationship....
It started with the ‘fiancé of 4 years’.... Unless there are firm plans in place - assume this marriage isn’t happening. And plan accordingly.
You don’t need any proof either - it seems he has checked out and you are chugging along because changes are difficult.
If I were you - i’d really start planing my exit.
I was going to say the same, Dave the numbers in your phone and they will come up on your WhatsApp then you can see pictures x
Damn, neither have photos on WhatsApp. I tried Facebook and nothing either. I just feel I need concrete evidence to confront him as he is brilliant at making me think I’m paranoid and crazy
Why don't you just confront him with the concrete proof that he's a mardy arsehole who never makes time for you, never shows you any affection, has back-tracked on your shared plans for the future and is someone you definitely can't be wasting any more of your life on? He can't make you feel crazy and paranoid about that because it's a true statement of how you feel - for good reason - and how you feel is COMPLETELY VALID and you deserve better.
Withhold number and phone ....
In my opinion he is definitely up to no good. You know it too OP.
This is no life for you, there must be a way for you to leave the relationship. Will you get tax credits if you are single?
I’m putting a plan in place. I’m going to leave him. This does mean saving for a while and I don’t start my new job till September so it will have to be after that money wise. It’s 16 hours but hopefully with that, tax credits and whatnot I can do this on my own. Like you say, I shouldn’t be being made to feel like this. I do deserve better than someone who doesn’t make me a priority anymore. I know him better than anyone I I know something is wrong, massively wrong. I just can’t do this anymore, I’m just a miserable cow all the time now and it’s not fair on my kids. I need to get out as soon as it is financially possible
September is when I’ll be able to do that. I just have to get through the next month and a bit then I can.
Of course he's cheating, you have loads more evidence than most women get, but this sort of
psychopath man would deny it even if he was caught en flagrante. There's even a song for it.
But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)
She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the screams get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over
Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Banging on the bathroom floor
I had tried to keep her
From what she was about to see
Why should she believe me
When I told her it wasn't me
Dump him, get counselling, do the Freedom Programme.
F**k. I feel so empty. I’m just sat here on the sofa looking at the housework I need to do, my teen is asleep in bed, I look a right state from crying.....f**k. I need to get my game face on and pretend everything is ok tbh. For now. He has no clue that I know anything I don’t think. I even got rid of my Facebook and don’t keep a thing from him. Why do people do this? Why can’t people just be honest and be kind.
Check if it’s a female. Save the number and see what name comes up on WhatsApp.
If it is your gut is right.
Actually screw that. Just leave him. You aren’t getting anything out of the relationship anyway
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.