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Dont feel loved

(26 Posts)
Mumtobeagain1 Fri 12-Jul-19 00:04:31

I dont know if its just something wrong with me or a gut instinct thats telling me my boyfriend doesnt love me.
Been together over 4 years now, with one major break about a year in that lasted about a month or two. In which he was seeing someone else briefly!
Nothing i can point out in particular apart from the fact he hasn’t proposed to me yet and we have two children. He has spoke about our future together and being married but hasnt done anything about it.
My own thoughts push me away from him and i have a constant fear he will find someone else. How do i get over my own paranoia and insecurities or should i think about breaking up? How do you truely know someone loves you?
A few guys have claimed to love me
In the past and massively proved othewise.

Fidgety31 Fri 12-Jul-19 00:13:54

You are putting all the onus on him to propose and arrange the future ?
It sounds like your past relationships are affecting this one and you will end up pushing him away.
Maybe look Into your own insecurities and get some therapy to put them behind you.

canyoufeedthedog Fri 12-Jul-19 00:20:55

Is marriage a be all and end all? How are you guys together on a day to day basis?

Mumtobeagain1 Fri 12-Jul-19 01:39:39

Being married is important to me, but he doesnt seem to care. I wont stay with someone who doesnt want to marry me. Especially after all this time and children. He says he cant afford to propose but thats a lie bcoz he could easy save abit and i dont need an expensive ring.
I guess its bcoz he proposed to an ex of his years before me and they were together alot less and in a worse relationship. Makes me feel like im not good enough.

Mumtobeagain1 Fri 12-Jul-19 01:43:27

I cant afford therapy.

exileinsunshine Fri 12-Jul-19 02:42:54

Yet you think you can afford a wedding? I know where I would focus on spending my money.

Think about your long term x

AgentJohnson Fri 12-Jul-19 07:59:05

Being married is important to me, Then why have kids with him before being married? There’s nothing wrong in wanting to be married, however it seems strange that you haven’t prioritised it and have squandered your leverage by having children.

Him proposing to an Ex has nothing to do with you or your relationship and comparing your worth to his ex because of it, says a lot about how you feel about yourself.
A proposal won’t magically ‘fix’ your self esteem issues, the amount of power you’ve surrendered to this man or your inability to be your own advocate.

Invest in yourself by understanding yourself better and hopefully you will become better at prioritising to your needs.

Mumtobeagain1 Fri 12-Jul-19 10:19:45

I dont need to get married straight away and wouldnt want a large wedding. i guess the being engaged would make me feel like we were going somewhere. Being engaged to his ex does make me feel like he loved her more bcoz why wld he not propose to me? It has been spoken about and im jst waiting. Our first child wasnt planned and as i thought he wld eventually do it i agreed to have a second. I dont want to make him do it. But with two kids now i wld like to share the same name as them.

Pinkgin22 Fri 12-Jul-19 13:51:17

I’m sorry op but I feel like you’re expecting too much out of this relationship. You’re putting all the emphasis on him to validate you, to fix you, to rid you of your insecurities, to make you feel ‘enough’ & complete. That’s not his job, that’s yours & it does sound like you could probably do with some therapy. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh op.

Mumtobeagain1 Fri 12-Jul-19 15:24:04

So i should just settle or leave because im not sure what therapy would do. I have decent self esteem, i dont feel insecure about myself. its only with him and this situation thats giving me doubts. I find it hard to believe that nobody else wld feel something about the fact he was ready to marry someone else but not get engaged to me. Im maybe on the wrong site, if i wanted therapy i would see a therapist.

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 12-Jul-19 15:34:24

Does he tell you he loves you?

Mumtobeagain1 Fri 12-Jul-19 16:27:07

Yeah he does

NameChangeNugget Fri 12-Jul-19 18:12:10

I’m sorry op but I feel like you’re expecting too much out of this relationship. You’re putting all the emphasis on him to validate you, to fix you, to rid you of your insecurities, to make you feel ‘enough’ & complete

I agree, he’s pissing against the wind, whatever he does.

Bourbonbiccy Fri 12-Jul-19 18:31:37

It sounds like you are insecure but normally if you have a gut feeling it's not normally far off.

Do you think by getting married it would fix your insecurities?

I really don't think it would, normally there is alot more to it.

Why don't you feel loved, it can't surely be just because he hasn't proposed ?

Pessismistic Fri 12-Jul-19 22:35:56

Marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. maybe he’s scared of marriage or doesn’t want to spend money you haven’t got? if you know he loves you a ring doesn’t change things if it’s important to you why not say hey I think we should get engaged why does it have to be a proposal from him. You living like man & wife anyway. instead of feeling the way you do now if he says no ask why then this might help you decide on your future. No marriage certificate can keep a couple together.

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 12-Jul-19 23:30:29

You could look at it that he got engaged to his ex but still didn’t marry her, so would just being engaged really change how you feel?

I understand why you’d want to be married, for romantic, practical and security issues. And of course it doesn’t cost anything to propose or much to get married in a simple ceremony. But he doesn’t have anything to gain from marrying you, you’ve already got children, you gave them his name, he has you and a family life without needing to tie himself to you legally or financially. At the moment if you split up he’d need to pay child support but he wouldn’t owe you anything else.

If he refuses to get married (and I mean married, because getting engaged it doesn’t change a thing practically) then you can’t make him so if it’s something you really want I’d split up and find someone who wants the same things you do.

If you choose to stay with him, protect yourself as much as you can by having your own income, having your name on the house if you rent, make wills.

Mumtobeagain1 Sat 13-Jul-19 22:22:30

Im not expecting him to “fix me” at all. Im not broken.. And i dont know what you mean by pissing in the wind?
I was hoping for help or support not criticising me.

Mumtobeagain1 Sat 13-Jul-19 22:29:38

Maybe i am expecting to much.. i thought being with the person you loved does make you feel good and complete you? If not whats the point? i guess I thought its just a natural progression when your in love, as everyone else seems to get engaged (and yeah everyones different but he said he wanted to in the past) thats why i think he has doubts

IamtheOA Sat 13-Jul-19 22:33:14

Hang on...

OP, do you feel that he's committed?

Is the affection?

Does he prioritise you and your relationship?

Do you feel he fancies you?

Do you guys talk?

Are you also friends?

I find that if I'm feeling worried or insecure about external issues, then I need to draw my attention back to myself, and give myself care an attention.

How do you feel about the relationship when you are feeling strong?

If your past has made you less able to trust, then, you know, the same can be true for his last engagement.

toffeeapple123 Sat 13-Jul-19 22:36:13

Can't believe how awful some of the posters are on here. Why bother comment if you don't have any support to show?

OP, why don't you have a serious heart to heart with your partner about getting married? Maybe he doesn't know just how important it is to you? It would be for me too.

Mumtobeagain1 Sun 14-Jul-19 21:00:52

I feel he has trouble with commitment, affection now and then, more so when he want to have sex. Priorities - sometimes. Do i think he fancies me, no i Dont. We talk and i would say we were friends yeah.
I felt fine with our relationship until recently. Just a nagging feeling that he doesnt love me. Iv never given him any reason not to trust me in the years we have been together but i dont think he does trust me. I feel he puts me in the same boat as his exes who have cheated on him/ left him. He proposed to the one who continuely cheated and left him. Iv never done that, maybe thats why it hurts me.

Mumtobeagain1 Sun 14-Jul-19 21:03:20

Thank you toffeeapple! I feel like if i bring it up again he will feel like im pressuring him and i dont want to make him do it.. i want him to want to do it. If you know what i mean. He has had money for a ring numerous times but spent it on himself or cars mostly. Think i just needed to have a moan and get it off my chest.

IamtheOA Sun 14-Jul-19 23:12:37

Oooh

I had that nagging feeling with an ex... I just...knew...he didn't love me.

OP.... you don't feel he fancies you? That's a tough one.

I think when we're feeling down on ourselves, it's natural to transfer those feelings to a partner ( " I don't love myself, so why would they?")

When you are feeling strong, and balanced, how do you feel about the relationship?

For me, we would have a good stretch and I would be feeling ok about a future, but then I would be just doing something mundane, and I would get a deep gut " he doesn't love me".

I did finish with him in the end. It's still early days, but it takes so much less energy to get over it, than it did to fool myself into thinking everything was ok.

Scott72 Mon 15-Jul-19 00:46:53

Would you want to be married to him given all these problems? Marriage is supposed to be for life, yet what are the odds marriage to him would last that long? I just hope you'll be financially okay if you should break up with him without marriage.

Scott72 Mon 15-Jul-19 00:49:30

"He has had money for a ring numerous times but spent it on himself or cars mostly. "
You don't need an expensive ring, or a ring at all, to propose. If necessary you could do marriage very cheaply. Money has nothing to do with why he hasn't proposed. He simply doesn't want to.

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