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Am I putting up?

(26 Posts)
Secretpasswordbitch Thu 11-Jul-19 23:29:46

So I feel like I'm putting up in a relationship that I maybe don't truly want to be in. Reason for thought: DH is a helpful and very likable guy. I, on the other hand, am a mental mess. Were both mid 20's and have a 3-year-old DD. As parents were great, as friends were ok. But as a couple, I don't know. I find him draining as he always needs reassuring. He can't hold an intellectual convo or even one that I'm interested in. He wants to talk about people all the time, friends, work colleagues, family, friends of friends! Who cares there are so many things in the world to talk about. We have nothing in common, and our sex life is awful, and trust me I've tried. And I also feel like he kisses everyone's ass, even mine. I feel that I can't be myself around him or he'll get offended or he won't get my jokes or he'll be on the phone. He's super boring and can never admit his flaws. I find myself asking how long I'll be putting up with this and wondering what life would be without him. I'm also forbidden from talking about him or how I feel or our relationship to anyone else because he wants to be liked by everyone while he's free and supported to express himself in any way he feels.

Secretpasswordbitch Fri 12-Jul-19 17:30:29

@EAIOU that he wants to make this work and that he feels there are other stresses making us distant. At one point housing situations were very unsettled but now are good we're left with the same problem. Or at one point finances were a struggle, but now are good and again we're left with the same problem. He drags external issues up and says' here is the problem'. I tried to leave him once and he held on for dear life, protested or when he came to see our daughter, he made it about us. In the end, I said fine, let's try again. I know it was wrong but I was in a mental hole and it was easier. I think I'll have another convo with him tonight and be as honest as possible.


Thank you all for your inputs, much appreciated

EAIOU Fri 12-Jul-19 15:36:14

What does he say about it all?

SavingSpaces2019 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:27:58

Seems to me you ended up pregnant/in a serious relationship without getting to know yourself first.
You've just sleepwalked into this.
If you had know yourself, you wouldn't have married someone you don't have much in common with.

It also sounds like you're fishing for 'reasons' to get rid, like you need outside validation that not being happy is reason enough to leave.
Well here's a very good reason - " He doesn't forbid me per se, but he does let me know he doesn't like it and gets a little snappy...when the roles switch it's never the same and I'm left feeling built up with all these feelings*
He's controlling, hypocritical and has double standards - all abusive behaviour.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 12-Jul-19 14:14:01

we have no other issues but this one

But it's not one issue, it's much more than that.

I find him draining

He can't hold an intellectual convo

We have nothing in common

our sex life is awful

I feel that I can't be myself around him

He's super boring

These are YOUR words, describing your partner.

How would you feel if he said any of those things about you? Put your big girl pants on and finish with the poor bloke. Set him free to find someone who actually likes him.

Proteinshakesandovieshat Fri 12-Jul-19 13:28:58

But your post is about yourself just say 'I have mental health issues and deal with them well'

Again, anything that hints that maybe you arent perfect are met with 'I am not but I deal with it well' and you tell about what you have done for him.

If he hasnt added to your life in anyway and you dislike him so much, leave him.

If he as always been insecure, it maybe that you have changed and he hasnt.

But it doesnt come across as either of you face any faults you have.

Secretpasswordbitch Fri 12-Jul-19 13:02:14

@EAIOU I guess I do feel a little stuck, I'm not sure if it's normal to sometimes feel like this about the man you started building your dreams with, we still have good days but they're never romantic. We talk about it often but never seem to find a solution. It's confusing because we work well together as friends or as parents. I feel that time for him is sitting down watching a movie indoors, where he'll fall asleep or be on his phone. He unintentionally makes me feel bad for asking if he wants to go out somewhere different. He's often out with his friends but with me he's tired.

EAIOU Fri 12-Jul-19 12:52:45

Reading your updates, do you feel like you're stuck in a rut?? Do you make time for each other?

How many times have you tried to remedy this or talk about it?

Secretpasswordbitch Fri 12-Jul-19 12:50:56

Also, I'd like to add that I'd welcome the criticism, even if it hurt. I have been an awful person, an awful girlfriend at times none of these would have got better if it wasn't for someone telling me how it is. I would love to be able to express to DH how I truly feel but it would crush him and he'd get defensive (trust me, I've tried). As I said, we have no other issues but this one. Our family life flows well, our social life runs well, our friendship runs well, our relationship not so much, but we don't argue, it's just unspoken tension, like a ticking time bomb.

Secretpasswordbitch Fri 12-Jul-19 12:43:03

@Prokupatuscrakedatus I do NOT despise him, I just needed to express some dark feelings I had concerning him, every couple have these or will at some point. He's a fantastic father and friend, I'm just trying to work out if we're compatible as a couple. I would not change my decision for the world.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 12-Jul-19 12:39:58

It doesn't sound as if you like him at all, and also that you have nothing in common.

Why not just end it? Life is too short to settle for 'someone' rather than no-one. You're still young.

I'd hate it if my DP talked about me the way you talk about him. Please free yourself and him.

Secretpasswordbitch Fri 12-Jul-19 12:39:20

@crankyassnoperope we have asked these questions and we've tried to work together, I feel that we're very mature in how we handle our relationship and there are many that would say it's great. I'm worried if it's just as friends.

Secretpasswordbitch Fri 12-Jul-19 12:32:40

@Pinktinker this was really helpful, I really feel that you understand and thank you for not thinking I'm being a bish.

Secretpasswordbitch Fri 12-Jul-19 12:29:50

So this was a little more brutal than I imagined. To everyone thinking I think I'm perfect, I know I'm not, I deal with mental health but it doesn't define me and I love myself for who I am. I came on here to truly express how I feel anonymously. I wouldn't dare talk about him in such a manner to people that knew us. I just needed a place to vent. He has always been insecure and I've definitely made him confident around others, he has let me know this. We often talk and open up to each other but this matter always seems to linger and it's really hurting to think I might feel this way about my best friend.

Pinktinker Fri 12-Jul-19 11:53:08

He sounds a lot like my ex husband. We met when we were very young and I realised by the time I reached my mid twenties how incompatible we actually were. He was also an arselicker, boring, had no opinion of his own, nothing to say for himself etc. He only bothered voting because I did and he voted for whoever I voted for, he turned vegan because I did too. Just had no mind of his own whatsoever. Other reasons I left were his lack of drive and ambition, he was happy working in retail forever and not bothering to gain even level 3 education let alone higher... He wouldn’t even learn to drive.

When we met I thought he was amazing, we were a similar age to you when you met your DH. It’s perfectly normal to grow apart as you get older and wiser... Splitting was the best thing I did, I found a DH on a level with me and his DP is on a level with him so great all round.

You don’t strike me as someone who is particularly satisfied with the relationship. Life’s too short and all that...

crankyassnoperope Fri 12-Jul-19 11:51:34

Well yes, you definitely are "putting up", but do you think maybe he is too? The questions to ask yourself are; Could it be better? Could I make it better? What do I need from him for it to be better? Can we discuss that and make a plan to achieve it? Would it be worth it?

Prokupatuscrakedatus Fri 12-Jul-19 11:48:14

Why procreate with someone you despise so much?

Tennesseewhiskey Fri 12-Jul-19 11:20:59

When you say he forbids you from talking about him, if it's how you talk about him here then I can see why he isnt happy about it.

I talk to my friends about dp. The good and the not so good. But I would imagine no one would like it if their partner just say and listed all their bad points to mutual friends.

My best friend is dps sister. I will moan to her but also make sure I high light his great points too.

And as you say, he hasnt told you he cany, so dont get where pp gets abusive. He doesnt like it. That's 2 seperate things.

EAIOU Fri 12-Jul-19 11:17:08

Is this post for real?

You're openly bad mouthing him now. You said hes super boring, shit sex life, ass kisser, wont admit flaws. It's no wonder he doesn't want you talking about him or your relationship. You're cruel. Words stick I'm afraid.

You want him to be interested in your things? Hes mot intellectual for you? Did you ever ask why he talks about people so much?

What makes you so perfect considering you referred to yourself a mental mess?

Is this troll/reverse? If not, he needs to find someone else.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 12-Jul-19 11:05:00

Indeed what would life be like without him, somewhat happier for your own self and your DD I would say.

He is not a great person at all and is more than just a little miserable. To my mind he treats you abusively whilst helping others around him (image is so very important to these types). Such men do not change, you can only change how you react to him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
You met this lad when you were a teenager and really had no real life experience behind you. Why did you get together at 20 as well, again you had no life experience behind you then either.

The only good thing to have come out of your relationship at all is your child. Is this crap really what you want to teach her about relationships, for her to accept this in her life too?. No it is not and it is not good enough for you either.

Proteinshakesandovieshat Fri 12-Jul-19 11:04:12

Was he ever confident?

In all honest, if I was picking up that my partner disliked me so much, it would knock my confidence.

You say mentally you are a mess, you also say he doesnt see his faults. But you dont talk about what faults you have either.

It's all about how boring, miserable, how he kisses ass etc

Secretpasswordbitch Fri 12-Jul-19 10:58:16

@hadthesnip2 it wasn't always this way, we'd been best friends since we were 14 and then got together at 20, only in the last 1-2 years have I felt that we're turning into an old couple and he seems to be ok with that. Confidence is what I find most attractive in anyone, he doesn't have that but he is a great person, just a little miserable.

hadthesnip2 Fri 12-Jul-19 01:11:18

Why did you marry him....forget that, why did you carry on dating him, get engaged & then marry him if he has all these bad traits. Just the crap sex would make me leave.

You have 2 options. Stay & put up with it......or leave.

FuriousVexation Fri 12-Jul-19 00:46:24

You clearly don't like him, let alone love him. Set both of you free.

Secretpasswordbitch Fri 12-Jul-19 00:38:27

@TroubleWithNargles He doesn't forbid me per se, but he does let me know he doesn't like it and gets a little snappy. I like to be honest with him as he's the closest person to me. He freely lets me know he's been talking about us to his friends and gives me his conclusion and opinions of his friends. I find this a helpful experience but when the roles switch it's never the same and I'm left feeling built up with all these feelings. I feel that I wear the trousers in this relationship but then I wonder whether I do.

TroubleWithNargles Thu 11-Jul-19 23:39:09

I'm also forbidden from talking about him or how I feel or our relationship to anyone else

Well the first thing that strikes me is... how would he know? And he isn't your boss - he can't 'forbid' you to do anything.

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