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My lovely dad has died and now my ex is suggesting reconciliation!

(53 Posts)
Isthisjustthegrieftalking Thu 11-Jul-19 20:43:15

Just that really. My lovely dad died very suddenly quite recently and the only person I really wanted for comfort was my ex. I remained strong and didn’t contact him, nor did I reply to his messages (which have been lovely and supportive).

I have been really struggling with my fathers passing and feel incredibly vulnerable so much I feel like I’d like to make another go of things. We have a young DC together and I feel that now more than ever it’s important that she has her family around her.

The relationship wasn’t without it’s problems and that’s probably putting it nicely but almost a year has passed and the thought of being a family again gives me hope for the future and lifts me from my depression having lost my dad.

I’m worried this is just the grief talking, that this might be a terrible idea and that I should hold off until I’ve processed my fathers death.

Has anyone had any experience with this kind of thing?

AbbieDabbieDoo Thu 11-Jul-19 21:18:33

Hi lovely, I don't really have advice on the relationship but wanted to send you my condolences and hugs - my amazing dad passed away a couple of weeks ago so I know how hard it is. My head's been all over the place and I'm really struggling with the grief. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is so good to me, but as we don't live together I'm finding being on my own at home really difficult, problems sleeping and feeling ridiculously lonely if I'm on my own any evening/night. I suppose I'd suggest being really honest with yourself - do you want him because he feels safe, familiar and comforting or because you want him? If you're anything like me your head will be all over the place just now so maybe best to wait until you're able to unjumble your thoughts and emotions before making any decisions?
Possibly the worst advice or interpretation ever, but lots of love to you and I hope you're ok xx

category12 Thu 11-Jul-19 21:26:12

Sorry for your loss flowers.

What were the reasons you split? I can understand your need for comfort and the familiar, but what would have changed that makes the things you split over not deal-breakers any more?

HollowTalk Thu 11-Jul-19 21:36:34

It would all depend on why you split up. Glad he's being nice, though.

HollowTalk Thu 11-Jul-19 21:37:17

And I'm so sorry you lost your lovely dad. flowers

HappySonHappyMum Thu 11-Jul-19 21:39:03

I am really sorry for your loss - but my initial thought is how much are you inheriting from your Dad? Is it a coincidence that he wants you back when you may be coming into money? So sorry…

GummyGoddess Thu 11-Jul-19 21:40:24

Sorry, I'm with pp regarding an inheritance.

picklemepopcorn Thu 11-Jul-19 21:43:25

If separating was the right decision last year, why wouldn't it be the right one now?

Don't do it. If you choose to gget back with him later, when you are strong, that's fine. Don't do it now when you are vulnerable.

Mitebiteatnite Thu 11-Jul-19 21:46:42

I can sympathise as I was in the exact same position. My DDad died (although not unexpectedly) and my ex was very supportive and unusually helpful. It was so out of character for him, and with hindsight he saw my vulnerability and exploited it. Thankfully I had just met my now DH, and I prioritised that new relationship over the old with ex and thankfully it was the right choice.

I would say it is the grief talking. I'm really very sorry for your loss.

PicsInRed Thu 11-Jul-19 21:49:47

and with hindsight he saw my vulnerability and exploited it

This is it, exactly.

PicsInRed Thu 11-Jul-19 21:52:03

OP, you are latching onto this to try to put your grief on pause because it's so painful.

I'm so, so sorry. You are going to have to go through the grief, then you'll come out the other side, not tethered down by a douche you already managed to detach yourself from. flowers

PicsInRed Thu 11-Jul-19 21:53:24

but my initial thought is how much are you inheriting from your Dad?

Excellent point. How grim.

TheRedBarrows Thu 11-Jul-19 21:58:13

Oh, so sorry about your Dad.

OP, be really honest with yourself. Did you separate because of his betrayal, violence, abusive behaviour or anything else that made you lose trust?

If so make no decisions at all while you are so vulnerable and look after yourself in not getting too dependent on his support.

But, I have known traumatic events bring into focus what is important underneath it all, and bring people back together.

Isthisjustthegrieftalking Thu 11-Jul-19 21:58:26

@AbbieDabbieDoo - thank you so much and sending my condolences to you too. I’m glad you have your boyfriend, I think that can be such a great comfort. I know precisely what you mean about the evenings, it’s my worst part of the day. I was very much a daddy’s girl and it feels like my world has been ripped apart. I think your advice is good, and it makes sense to me, I’m just not sure at what point I’ll feel normal again.

Thanks for all the well wishes. We split up because he cheated so he’s not exactly boyfriend of the year. I hadn’t really even thought about the inheritance. My dad had a lot of properties, in the UK and Overseas so my siblings and I stand to inherit 7 figures each but he doesn’t actually know that and my dads wealth wasn’t widely known, he drove an old Merc and never wore designer clothes. My dad has always kept his properties private. He hasn’t mentioned inheritance but then he probably wouldn’t even if he was motivated because that would just raise my suspicions.

Just want nothing more than to cuddle into his chest, to feel safe. I know that sounds silly but it’s just how I feel.

PicsInRed Thu 11-Jul-19 22:03:48

My dad had a lot of properties, in the UK and Overseas so my siblings and I stand to inherit 7 figures each

You say ex didn8t know, but these sly fellas have a way of guessing. Accents, schools, pursuits etc etc. A PP guessed it could be in the mix and they don't even know you. Be very wary.

You can obviously do better than your fool of an ex.

HollowTalk Thu 11-Jul-19 22:04:43

You would do better to go and get a lovely massage, OP, and then talk to a friend.

He's cheated on you. Betrayed you. You really don't need him now. He's not your friend. Not on your side.

PicsInRed Thu 11-Jul-19 22:06:29

Just want nothing more than to cuddle into his chest, to feel safe.

Like cuddling into a bear's chest, so comfy, soft and warm then scratch bite claw rip blerg.
Don't do it, it's a financial trap.

category12 Thu 11-Jul-19 22:06:46

The last thing you need in your life is someone who can betray you like that.

I can totally understand why you want the comfort, but I think you'd come to regret taking him back.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine Thu 11-Jul-19 22:08:10

Really, really, REALLY don't OP. Please.

I'm sorry for your loss flowers

RosaWaiting Thu 11-Jul-19 22:11:34

OP I'm really sorry for your loss flowers

All I can tell you is that I do not recognise the woman I was in the first 6 months or so after my dad died. I was aware that I didn't recognise her and thought there's a good reason people tell you to be careful of knee jerk reactions.

I was like the neediest person in the world - it was terrifying in itself actually. I still don't know whether it was a reaction to losing dad or to having to look after mum but whatever it was, it was fucking bizarre.

I also think your ex is wrong to even suggest this now.

RLEOM Thu 11-Jul-19 22:17:04

If you did end up getting back with him, I'd seek legal advice on how to prevent him from being entitled to any money if you were to split, like a prenup.

RosaWaiting Thu 11-Jul-19 22:20:57

OP might already be married?

category12 Thu 11-Jul-19 22:25:30

And if you and your ex were together long enough to have a child and lived together, he'll have a fair idea of your dad being comfortably off.

Isthisjustthegrieftalking Thu 11-Jul-19 22:32:39

I can’t deny he was a bastard to me and hurt me deeply. I’ve been so strong during the time we’ve been apart but truthfully, I’ve missed him and never stopped loving him. A massive part of me wanted to take him back many months ago but I didn’t because I was too scared he may hurt me again and my DD. . Perhaps the grief has blocked out the need for future self preservation and instead has been replaced with neediness and vulnerability which are two things I certainly wasn’t before my dad died.

RosaWaiting Thu 11-Jul-19 22:35:00

"Perhaps the grief has blocked out the need for future self preservation and instead has been replaced with neediness and vulnerability which are two things I certainly wasn’t before my dad died."

yes, this certainly sounds familiar. You say it was quite recent - please give yourself plenty of time before going anywhere near this situation.

tbh I'm quite a paranoid person, and it probably saved me from forming friendships I'd have needed to get rid of after I recovered!

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