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How long do wait for husband to decide if he wants you or not

(62 Posts)
Mango234 Thu 11-Jul-19 16:31:56

About 4 weeks ago, my husband told he no longer loves, fed up with the lack of sex and does even give me a 2nd thought most of time. This is the 2nd time he has told me this, the last time was last Summer when we ended up in marriage counselling. We moved house not long after counselling and things have gone down hill since then. Husband admits he is depressed and bored with life and confused as to what he wants. But he does nothing to help himself just drifts from one day to the next. Wont go to the GP as he says anti depressants do not work. But depression aside, he has never been very loving towards to me, he says he cares about me but that's because I am the mother of his kids who are teenagers. He openly admits he does not give me a 2nd thought when he is at work or out with his mates or visiting his best friend who lives 3 hours away. He admits he has taken me for granted and has shown me little support in life through out years which has taken its toll on me as a person. He has made a huge deal about the lack of sex in our marriage but I find it difficult to be intimate with someone who ignores me most of the time. He said he kinda understands that but I am not sure he really gets it. We have had sex twice since he told he did not love me which I now see as a stupid thing to do, because he got want he wanted but still continues to ignore me and has given me no indication as to whether he wants to try and save our marriage or that he has some feeling for me. I feel I am living in limbo, just waiting for him to make his made whether he wants a relationship with me or not. Hence my heading how long do I wait? If we split up we cant sell the house for another 18 months due to being tied in with our mortgage so would have to come up with some kind of arrangement living together which will be very hard but at least I will know its definatlely over can start planning for my own future. But how long would you be prepared wait to know? I have no other family or no close friends so I am completely on my own with this. Thanks reading this far.

Chovihano Thu 11-Jul-19 16:35:53

I would wait for 2 weeks, so he'd have been gone 2 weeks already,then his things would be in the garden. You have dc who are worth better than this, and a secure upbringing.
Please put them first instead of this useless man.
There is no marriage to save, look to your kids.

Frith2013 Thu 11-Jul-19 16:37:04

4 weeks? I wouldn’t wait 4 days!

lazylinguist Thu 11-Jul-19 16:37:28

Don't wait for him to decide if he can be bothered with you or not. Take some control back and dump him. What an arrogant, unfeeling twat, expecting you to be at his beck and call for crumbs of affection!

dizzy174 Thu 11-Jul-19 16:37:45

if they leave the door ajar, close it for them

notapizzaeater Thu 11-Jul-19 16:38:53

Why is he holding all the cards, what do you want? It's all about him, you need to take some control back

RatherBeRiding Thu 11-Jul-19 16:40:16

Well he has already decided. As should you. Any man who tells you he no longer loves you, doesn't give you a second thought and generally ignores you isn't worth "waiting for".

Honestly - pack up his things and tell him YOU have decided you don't want him back.

So what if you can't sell the house straight away - not your problem seeing as he's left and you can continue to live in it. Up to him to find a roof over his head, isn't it, seeing as he's walked away from you all,

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 11-Jul-19 16:40:26

I think it’s over OP. Not much to save from what you say and not a happy marriage. I’d start making your plans now.

crimsonlake Thu 11-Jul-19 16:41:05

Agree, you are worth more, how very dare he. Move on with your life and do not look back.

sunshinesupermum Thu 11-Jul-19 16:41:33

Let him go now. Life is too short for you to waste any more time on him.

Your kids are teenagers - you can stay in your home and he can move out and rent somewhere else. Sod him. flowers

JudgeFlounceRedRugBlah Thu 11-Jul-19 16:42:48

What do you want? You are not a passenger here, you are a co-star!

CaptSkippy Thu 11-Jul-19 16:43:27

There is no need to live your life in limbo. Be done with him and tell him so. Start planning the rest of your life. You deserve to be living it the way you want to.

WhatTheWatersShowedMe Thu 11-Jul-19 16:43:34

I wouldn't wait a fucking second.

Pipandmum Thu 11-Jul-19 16:44:13

Why give him the power? Are you happy? Do you think he’s going to change right now? No? Then go. You’re not in limbo. He’s told you in every way other than the actual words: this marriage is over.

Karigan195 Thu 11-Jul-19 16:46:29

Who says it’s his decision? He’s treating you like crap and outright telling you he doesn’t love you. Why would you want to stay with him?

LettuceP Thu 11-Jul-19 16:47:02

You need to start having some respect for yourself OP. Tell him to jog the fuck on. It sounds like he doesn't want to be married but likes his nice, cushy life. Make the decision for him.

Babdoc Thu 11-Jul-19 16:47:52

OP, you are being terribly passive in all this. Why is it his decision alone? Why aren’t YOU deciding that you’ve had enough? How much more insulting, unloving and uncaring does this man have to get before you finally discover some self esteem and tell him to fuck off?
And I’m not sure what you mean about being “tied in” to the mortgage- unless you’re in negative equity, surely you just sell the house and pay it off, or transfer it to your next property?
Please, get some legal advice and possibly also some counselling to boost your confidence. Sitting waiting to be dumped is soul destroying.

Shoxfordian Thu 11-Jul-19 16:48:45

Why are you waiting around? He's said he doesn't love you so the decision has been made

Mango234 Thu 11-Jul-19 16:53:14

Just to add its difficult financially I only earn a part time wage and he cannot afford to pay the mortgage and live somewhere else, he has no family nearby. If we sold we would lose thousands. I need every penny if I have to start all over again. My daughter would be heart broken if her Dad left and she too has mental health issues for which is getting treatment for so this worrys me as I have only now just got her on an even level after a 3 year battle. As for what I want, I just want to be happy again, not treading on egg shells in my life. Do I want him, yes if he can commit to being the person I need him to be which I know he can do because our marriage has not always been this bad. I am raw from the rejection, I still dont understand what I did not wrong other than not have sex with him as much as he wants. But I need to feel loved before I can get intimate. He says without sex he does not feel close to me so thats why he ignores me, he says all men are like that. So he is basically saying its my fault.

Mango234 Thu 11-Jul-19 16:58:37

We are tied in a 2 year fixed deal with our mortgage, if we sold now and clear the mortgage we would have to pay about £8,000 in fees to leave the mortgage early. I just cannot afford to lose £4,000 (my share) as I need to start all over again and no one to help me with anything so every penny counts we all know how expensive life is these days.

DeRigueurMortis Thu 11-Jul-19 16:59:30

Honestly? About 10 minutes.

If my DH said half the things yours has OP it would be over that day.

He doesn't love you. That's tough to hear but why would you want to settle for a man who has so little regard for you?

He says he doesn't know what he wants.....

My suggestion is that he fucks off and works out what he does want - but that doesn't include the option of you.

Depression is an illness not an excuse for being a twat.

Keep putting up with this and he will suck every last bit of self esteem from you.

It's not your fault. He's emotionally manipulative.

Finally and unequivocally this is NOT what all men think, feel or behave like - just the wankers (and he sounds like a gold plated wanker).

AFistfulofDolores1 Thu 11-Jul-19 17:02:43

Don't discount the possibility that your DD's mental health issues are connected to your positively dire marriage and shit husband, OP.

DeRigueurMortis Thu 11-Jul-19 17:03:19

OP - go see a solicitor and find out your rights.

Your finances may not be as dire as you think.

Even if they are, then frankly having a life away from the emotional vampire you're married to is priceless.

shitwithsugaron Thu 11-Jul-19 17:05:17

My exH used to do this. I'd beg, he'd stay. Until he did it once too often, then it was him begging. Divorce finalised about 12 weeks ago.

ZazieTheCat Thu 11-Jul-19 17:08:04

If you split now, it’ll take something like at least 18 months to get separation then divorce processes through, so I wouldn’t worry too much about the mortgage period.

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