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I did life wrong.

(61 Posts)
BlubBlob Thu 11-Jul-19 12:21:18

I have so many regrets. I regret not working hard in finding friendships when I was in school or focusing on dating and having relationships.

One of my school friends has gotten married to someone she met in sixth form and it made me feel left behind and like I did life wrong. I should have tried harder to make friends with people, and did things and tried to have a normal teenage life and go partying and get drunk and have sex.

If I could go back in time to my teenage years, I wish I wouldn’t have been such a boring, nerdy goody two shoes. It didn’t even amount to anything. I’m unmarried and miserable. I have no children, no husband, no boyfriend, not dating, nothing. I wish I could have gone back and done things differently then I’d have someone I grew up in a relationship with and gotten married and had children with only this person.

At the time I didn’t know how important having and being in a relationship was. I had too many problems of my own and I barely had any friends. I thought I would meet the love of my life in university but that didn’t happen. I was depressed and anxious throughout university so I couldn’t meet anyone and no one showed any interest in me. I feel kind of bad of all the years lost.

It’s possible to meet someone in the future but it won’t be the same as having that teenage hormone filled love that you look back at and remember fondly. I’ll always have some boring adult relationship (that’s if I even have one anyway). I’ve missed out on a lot of common life experiences and I can never get that back.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Thu 11-Jul-19 12:26:54

It absolutely will be the same as a teenage hormone-filled love. I had that experience first at the age of 40. Falling in love is absolutely brilliant, whatever your age. Plus you have all the advantages of experience and independence.

user1471504234 Thu 11-Jul-19 12:27:48

Didn’t want to read this and not leave a reply... please don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no ‘right’ way to do these things, and being in a relationship does not necessarily equal being happy. How old are you? It’s never too late to make new friends or meet a partner. Being single all this time has given you chance to develop your own life and ideas about what you would like, try and focus on this.
Do you have any hobbies or interests? I know it’s a cliche but it really can be the best way to meet people. If you like travel book onto a trip for solo travellers, it’s a great way to make friends.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 11-Jul-19 12:29:38

You didn’t do it wrong at all, you just did it differently to your friend. We all have our own paths. The love of my life is my second husband who I met in my 30s. He married someone he went to school with and it didn’t work out. I never dated anyone from school, never fancied boys my own age!

Why do you think you’re fixating on not having met anyone from school rather than at other points in your life? What are you doing to meet someone now?

PurpleDaisies Thu 11-Jul-19 12:29:57

IIt’s possible to meet someone in the future but it won’t be the same as having that teenage hormone filled love that you look back at and remember fondly. I’ll always have some boring adult relationship (that’s if I even have one anyway).*

I didn’t meet my husband until well beyond my teenage years. It’s in no way a “boring adult relationship”. You’re really romanticising teenage “love” and doing down meeting someone really special later.

Rabbiting0n Thu 11-Jul-19 12:30:25

You're not necessarily missing out. People in all situations feel like you at times. I married my first boyfriend, whom I met at university at 18. He graduated before me and we began a LDR. As a result, I neglected my friendships, because I was constantly visiting him at weekends, or messaging him etc. As soon as I graduated, we bought a house together, and to pay for it, I got a boring job which didn't make use of my degree at all. I adore DH, but I put no effort into my career or friendships. I was married by 23. A mother by 25. Now in my early thirties, I feel like I have missed out on things. No career (SaHM), only friends are school mums, mostly limited to pick-up chats and the odd playdate. My school friends have dated and known different types of men to learn what it is they look for in a partner. They've traveled extensively, had career changes or great progression. They lived their early adulthood for themselves, not for their OH. I love DH and my DC, but I would not recommend that my daughter follow my example when she's older. It's important to be your own person before you become someone's partner, and being single is your time to put yourself first. Don't be too hard on yourself.

sleepyhead Thu 11-Jul-19 12:30:38

Then you might have been writing about how you had so many regrets because you married the first boy who showed an interest and then you both grew apart and have nothing in common in later life.

The key is a mutually loving and respectful relationship and that can happen any time of life.

growlingbear Thu 11-Jul-19 12:32:15

You can do all of those things at any age. I know people who fell in love at fourteen and are still together decades later, but also know people (DH and I among them) who didn't find love until their thirties. I am so glad I was lonely and single in my twenties because it means I was available when I met DH and we've been happy for 25 years.
Being a goody-two-shoes in your teens is quite a self-protective way of behaving and that's a good thing! You can go out and get drunk now but you'll know not to drink an entire bottle of vodka and vomit behind a friend's mum's sofa.
Falling in love at any age is that heady feeling. Lots of teen relationships are shuffly and embarrassed and dull and teens go out together because they feel they should not because they are head over heels. When DH and I got together it was like a Richard Curtis movie. Incredibly romantic and OTT things happened. I was 29 and he was 34.

Iamblossom Thu 11-Jul-19 12:32:50

Obviously I don't know this, but odds are your friend sometimes wonders what she might have done differently if she hadn't married this person she has known for so long.

It's human nature to think the grass is always greener, but it just as true to say it rarely is.

Make this the day you start doing things for you, put yourself out there, start doing life "right" if you think you have done it wrong so far. Never to late.

And as for later in life love not being as passionate - watch Jodie Foster film The Brave One.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 11-Jul-19 12:34:14

Charlotte and Purple are right OP. Teen angst and drama with someone you happen to be at school with isn’t the key to lasting happiness. My husband still gives me butterflies and makes me smile every day, he’s got grey hair and is in his forties.

Munhu Thu 11-Jul-19 12:35:49

Most teenage relationships do not last and if they do, the marriages are more likely to end in divorce. I understand being upset that you're currently single but I think it's a bit odd to be wishing for a hormone filled teenage relationship as an adult. Relationships aside, are you happy with the other parts of your life? Is the depression and anxiety under control? Have you now made friends?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Thu 11-Jul-19 12:47:03

Actually, I did for years think I'd missed out because of not being sociable enough in my teenage years or picking up long-term friendships at university.

Got to my late thirties and decided liking my own company is who I am, but I enjoy getting out and spending time with people and have avoided it out of fear of being socially inept. So I braved that out and overcame it, and since then I have had one or two good friends and a wide circle of acquaintances. Was happily single for six years.

Look forward, not back, OP. How can you make the next few months more satisfying?

Musti Thu 11-Jul-19 12:55:19

So now, instead of going out there and meeting people, you're going to think back about what you didn't do? If it wasnt right for you, it wasn't right for you. And every time I've fallen in love (last time at 48) it was just as mad and all consuming as when I was a teenager.

BlubBlob Thu 11-Jul-19 13:14:37

Thanks everyone for commenting. To answer your questions,

@AnneLovesGilbert
“Why do you think you’re fixating on not having met anyone from school rather than at other points in your life?”

I think it’s comparison to my friend from school. She seems happy and I’m... not. So it feels as if her decision to marry someone from teenage years made her happy and I want to feel the same.

@Munhu
“are you happy with the other parts of your life?”

I think I’m not. I don’t have the career I want. I don’t have a great relationship with my family and I’m generally unhappy.

Seeing my friend happy and in love made me feel like if I was married or at least in a relationship it would make me feel the same way, like I’d be happy with my life because it would feel like part of my life would be “sorted” and like I’ve done what I was supposed to do as an adult in one aspect of my life.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas
“Look forward, not back, OP. How can you make the next few months more satisfying?”

I’ve started volunteering in a field I’ve always been interested in. It makes me feel happy and it gives me something to do in my spare time.

@user1471504234 I don’t have any hobbies though I’ve always been interested in helping people with healthcare needs so that’s why I started volunteering with an organisation for people with disabilities and mental health.

DarklyDreamingDexter Thu 11-Jul-19 13:23:35

Of course you can't turn back the clock and do things differently, but you can make every day count going forward. Stop looking back and look ahead. Grasp every opportunity, mix things up, take chances, start new hobbies. It's all in your hands right now.

How old are you by the way? I bet you're not very old. Whatever age you are, you can still shape life however you want it. You've got to keep trying and not give up.

QueenofPain Thu 11-Jul-19 13:27:17

Adult relationships are so much better than teen angst filled ones.

loveyoutothemoon Thu 11-Jul-19 13:44:13

How old are you?

hadthesnip2 Thu 11-Jul-19 13:58:10

Every day we have choices......or as I call them....paths. You'll never know if the path your on is the right one or whether you should have taken a different one. There is no point looking back only forward. You have choices now you can make to change you life. Change your job......start dating.....start a hobby or join a group. One thing you should do is to stop looking back & going "what if". What ifs are useless as no-one can tell you how you life might have been had you taken a different path, but you can start now with changing the future. You have to throw the stone to get the pond to ripple.

BlubBlob Thu 11-Jul-19 13:58:40

@loveyoutothemoon I’m 23. It feels as if I should already have had these life experiences. Seeing people from school engaged, getting married while I’m yet to even have my first boyfriend or a date even has me feeling like I’ve been missing out.

loveyoutothemoon Thu 11-Jul-19 14:10:42

Crikey you're only 23! You're a baby. What are your hobbies?

chemicalworld Thu 11-Jul-19 14:13:17

Oh god, they'll likely be divorced soon enough! You are 23, you are unhappy - you have SO much time to help yourself.

Go and get some counselling, speak to a doctor if you are depressed and anxious. Go do small things to make yourself happy - build on you. This is your time, you have loads of it!

user1471504234 Thu 11-Jul-19 14:15:05

Oh OP, you are only 23, I promise there is so much time to do everything, if that is what you want! Getting married before 23 is really quite young, make the most of having time to work out who you are and what you want. It is definitely not too late to change things (it never is). And it’s so much better to be single than in a bad relationship, you only need to read these boards to realise there are so many people in horrible situations with their relationships.
Keep up with your volunteering, it will lead to new friends and new opportunities. Maybe join a sports club, apparently running clubs are very sociable. Good luck!

PurpleDaisies Thu 11-Jul-19 14:16:49

23?!! I thought you’d be at least 40. confused

MMmomDD Thu 11-Jul-19 14:23:42

Omg.... I thought the OP was in her 40-50-60s....
First off - get yourself to a GP and ask for help with depression and social anxiety, I think it would help you.
Second - you have your whole life ahead of you. And you are barely an adult... So - live your life in the present, not the past.
Go exercise, join some love clubs, learn to dance. Study more if you don’t like your job. Do something.

You want hormone fuelled encounters - you are in your peak hormones now! Get Tinder and start swiping. Go on dates. See how it feels. If you like anyone - go on more dates....

You’ll be OK. You realised you need to change your life and have a lot of time to do it.

Happyornot Thu 11-Jul-19 14:25:26

Please don’t think you have missed out. I am married to my only proper boyfriend, who I met at 16 in sixth form (I am now 33). We have a lovely daughter together but do feel we never travelled or anything. We just got together, went to uni (separately, so we had different friends though), got jobs, saved for our wedding at 24, then for a house deposit, then for maternity leave. So feel like we’ve never just gone wild or splashed out and had a carefree life. I’ve only once had that honeymoon period of being with someone and now my husband has a bit of depression since we had our daughter. He loves her to pieces and is a great dad but I think it’s the realisation that again it’s more responsibility and having to provide etc. I work but he earns a lot more than me and feels trapped in his job because we have got used to a certain lifestyle, out mortgage etc so he can’t just start again on lower wages. Don’t get me wrong, we have quite a good lifestyle and are very lucky, but I do wonder if I should have had more fun sometimes. I have nothing to compare him to and him me! You can still meet someone

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