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Money situation with dp - please help me see the wood for the trees as money issues are triggering for me(155 Posts)
have name changed for this
many years back, post my divorce, I had a relationship with a man who turned out to be a con artist. Luckily for me, I spotted it fairly quickly (6 months) but it was a huge huge knock to my self confidence that it took me so long to figure it out. Just for reference, I am a high earning individual and I believe I was targeted because of that.
since then I have been very cautious about the men I go out with and didn't have a relationship for years. I then carefully dipped my toe back in and had a few short relationships with some lovely men and my confidence slowly built up.
roll forward more years till now. my now Dp lives with me and we've been seeing each other for a while. He has always contributed half of everything (despite me earning more) and paid his way. I've never doubted his feelings for me.
Out of the blue, he got fired. This was devastating for him as he's been working since he was 16 (so more than 30 years) and he was totally shocked. He has been trying to find a new job but the market is dreadful. This hit his self confidence and he became depressed. He went to the GP for treatment and slowly but surely has pulled himself out of it.
In the meantime, I have been paying for everything. He has an exw, who I have met, who looks after their dcs. She has a mortgage on a property (owned solely by her) but can only afford this mortgage because dp was paying her child and spousal maintenance. With no job, he hasn't been able to pay anything so she's had to go back to the mortgage provider who has now threatened to take possession if she can't make the payments and in the meantime, hiked up the interest (helpful).
She has met with me and dp and said all she need is X per month (which is half what dp normally pays) while he isn't working and she can make ends meet and not lose the house. I can easily afford X.
In the meantime, dp and i have spoken about running a local business that is up for sale (both of us have been interested in it for a while). For the first year, dp probably wouldn't be able to make much of a living out of it (though it would be marginally profitable) but after that, he would easily make enough to pay his ex the X amount.
so the bottom line is would I be a mug to enable his exw to have the X in the interim? I have no issue other than being worried that I'm being done over given my past history. My other slight concern is that while this is going on I've felt that dp has been almost love bombing me - like being overly loving/talking about marriage etc. Half of me thinks how wonderful but the other half worries that he's being this way just because i am now subsidising his life so it continues (sorry if that sounds brutal). I am just so scarred by this con artist.
(dp and I not married, relationship in a good ish space though obviously the depression/job situation has been putting pressure on it)
My opinion might be harsh and uplnpopular - but I don't feel you have an obligation to support his ex. He should get another job to fund them, not look to take on an opportunity which won't support his current responsibilities. His situation is his to sort out, not yours.
How long have you been together?
Is your DP earning anything now? Whilst the market is tough there are jobs so I would be concerned if you had been together 2-3 years or less (true character tends to show by 2 years) and he is not doing any work at all...even those he is over qualified for.
It is his responsibility to provide for his children so I would want him to make efforts there before you hand over money. That way you are supplementing not providing
I agree I'm afraid. I think he should get a job/any job and support his kids. This really isn't your problem. If he were on this own thats what he'd need to do. You already subsidise him by keeping a roof over his head etc
don't worry, I don't mind harsh and unpopular .
he is trying to get work at the moment (while we look at this business opportunity) but he is really struggling. He got to a last interview for something a few weeks ago, they practically told him he had the job and they would speak to him on Monday and he never heard from them again. The job market is horrendous. I have another friend (in the same industry as dp) who has been out of work for 2 years.
What’s the position with him looking for work? Could he sign up with an agency and do temporary/casual work? What about evenings in a bar or security or something?
I’m afraid I also think it’s up to him to get employment ASAP and if he is genuinely working and applying for what he really wants then you might want to help top it up with a nominal amount. Having been with someone with depression myself who did not work (and still doesn’t 10 years on) I would not bail him out completely.
I would be cynical about the love bombing. Of course he wants to stay with you and hopefully it’s because he’s genuine but he’s got it made if you provide everything.
Why was he ‘sacked’ btw? He wasn’t made redundant? That’s alarm bells too.
I would also put the business idea on hold at the moment.
he's taking on lesser contracts so he is doing some work but the first one he's done isn't finished yet and he won't get paid until then (so potentially about 6 weeks off his first amount of money coming in).
problem is, he doesn't (yet) have another one set up. So he could get this lump of money in then have nothing again for a while.
No, don't support the ex.
You could offer him a lump sum loan on commercial terms, drawn up legally. Then he can choose to give a wodge to his ex and slowly pay you back when he has job.
thanks, this is all really useful.
he wasn't made redundant as such but a bigger company took over his. They didn't want to make people redundant (though probably should have done) so one by one, have been sacking people who have been there for less than 2 years (as it avoids unfair dismissal). I know others in the same boat as him so I don't doubt the reasons why he was sacked.
There is work out there via recruitment agencies if he can be flexible. It was my only way back in to employment after I was made redundant. Money not great of course but it is better than no income and gaps on the cv.
I agree with others: it is his responsibility to support his ex and his children. You are already supporting him entirely - that is enough. How would he solve this problem if he didn't have you? How would he be supporting himself, never mind his family? These are hard questions he needs to be answering, not looking to you to provide all the solutions.
I would be very cautious of getting drawn into this any further than you are.
How will your DP afford to buy his share of the business that you are both interested in if he has no money?
I don't think he is deliberately sponging off you, and the lovebombing may well be genuine love and gratitude for your support during a truly hideous time for him. He's paid his way in the past, you know his inability to get a job in his field is genuine.
So it really is up to you. If you see the relationship as a stable long term prospect and it won't be a strain on your finances then I would definitely consider paying the mortgage and setting up the business, as long as there is a clear end in sight. But I would set a time limit.
I agree with PP that he needs to pay for his children not you.
It slightly concerns me that his ex met with both of you and not just him to discuss their financial predicament. I presume his ex knows you could financially cover it? I don't think they should drag you into this and I'd stay well clear.
I also don't think starting a new business with him that may not make money for at least a year is wise. It's also a separate issue. Please tread carefully and protect your assets/money OP.
The job market for his career might be dismal, but casual work is available, and with children to support he can’t afford not to work at all.
If you do go down the route of subsidising his ex and DC with £X per month I would a) make it a loan, repayable when the situation improves (whether this is a loan to his ex or to him is up to you) and b) either make it time-limited or a lump sum one-off.
But I’d be unimpressed if he didn’t seek work -any work e.g. casual shifts, temp work, bar work etc. You’re already supporting him as he lives with you etc so I would want him to be showing willing.
we've been together a couple of years now
his ex met with him first and then asked to meet with me and him together afterwards (after he had spoken to me). She just went through her financial situation (I work in finance) as much to ask my advice to be fair.
In your situation, I would probably agree give the money since I could afford it, but I'd want to avoid it turning into a long term obligation so agree to do it for 6 months. Then the ex has breathing space where can evaluate whether she wants to sell and move somewhere where she's not dependent on your DP or your DP could find a job.
I wouldn't indulge in starting a business that could take a year to return anything if it ever does. I think your DP should look for any work available.
I really wouldn't be drawn into paying anything to his ex. It's not your responsibility and I doubt if the shoe was on the other foot she'd be happy to hand out cash to help you.
It might cause issues in your relationship but he really needs to take on any work he can to pay for this situation himself. Is he not taking lower paid work because he knows you'll be funding him while he looks for well paid work?
You've only been together 2 years, you're not married.
You should not support his ex.
He needs to get a job in a supermarket or a factory in the meantime while he's looking for work in his industry.
Don't marry him or have joint finances.
How much is X? Could DP not earn that amount from a job that isn't in his industry? Bar work, working in a supermarket, other shift work?
You are already subsidising his other costs. He's responsible for that one.
Does he get Jobseeker's Allowance? He could give that to his ex, given he has no other bills to cover.
His ex also needs to be preparing to increase her income in case your DP finds it difficult to earn again.
It's not your responsibility to pay anything to the ex and with the love bombing I'd be very cynical.
I wouldn't 'give' the money, I'd 'loan' it with a clear statement of repayment over a time period. Get it drawn up as a loan with recourse for you to take some legal action if it's not repaid. You are doing enough already OP.
I have to add on a personal note, that I wouldn't do it.
Btw do NOT get married in your current situation. I know MN is hot on recommending marriage to women to protect them but that would not benefit you in any way as you are a high earner and he is unemployed. (My ex who did not work did very well out of our divorce including during our period of separation and it wasn’t because he was a sahp.)
On reflection I agree with @sneakypinky....step back, ask yourself why you both want this relationship with each other....love and affection or financial necessity?
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