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Signs of cheating.

(35 Posts)
Ifonlyiknew6 Thu 11-Jul-19 03:29:06

I have a really strong gut feeling about this but not much else to go on.

No access to phone. Like fortknox tbh always has been though. Or social media. No idea of passwords etc

How and why did you suspect/know?

Things haven't been solid for a while but I keep getting this feeling that somethings not right.

Would it be a faux pas to ask for his phone outright?

BeepBeepBop1 Thu 11-Jul-19 03:47:20

If you feel there's something I would ask but honestly I think you're right with the phone behaviours. Is there anything else? Staying late at work? X

Ifonlyiknew6 Thu 11-Jul-19 03:52:28

Thank you for replying.

He would lie unfortunately to save himself a row. Which ends a row especially when I know hes lying.(Small things so far)

Work patterns are a bit random but not out of ordinary. Paying tiny bits of attention to personal grooming ie aftershave etc hes always spent ages in the bathroom several times a day but is on messenger etc whilst there.

Cant really explain it just something doesn't quite add up.

MakeAWhish Thu 11-Jul-19 04:33:44

Ask for his phone. You'll know immediately by his reaction. Good luck OP.

TheStuffedPenguin Thu 11-Jul-19 07:12:12

Have you previously had access to his phone though or would this be a weird out of the blue request? I would say go with your gut and continue to observe closely .

Mylifestartstoday Thu 11-Jul-19 07:55:27

My husbands work patterns didn’t really change, he always worked late but he is having an affair with someone he works with. Pretending to go to work and taking days holiday. He lost weight. His phone was always with him, wouldn’t let the children use , when before they would play music through it. Go with your gut, my husband was the last person anyone would suspect

PaterPower Thu 11-Jul-19 08:29:47

You don’t have a “right” to access his phone, email, post or anything else you fancy diving into and he’s perfectly within his rights to tell you to go jump if you ask.

You’ve then got to decide whether you can live with the chipping away of trust in him and your relationship. Is it how you want to spend your life? Unless DCs are involved I’d be questioning whether it’s worth sticking with him.

Ifonlyiknew6 Thu 11-Jul-19 08:41:06

Thanks so much for your replies and experiences. Just worry that I'm coming to all sorts of conclusions but I have noticed little small changes etc

@PaterPower- where in my post did I state I had any rights to his private matters?? I asked for experiences and signs for others as I have a strong gut feeling. I asked would it be acceptable to ask for his phone. I dont think having children personally would change the outcome if he was to be cheating. Thanks though smile

Heratnumber7 Thu 11-Jul-19 09:27:58

I'd start with "DH, my battery is flat. Can I borrow your phone to log into FB to check what DC need to take to school tomorrow?", or something similar.
When you're out and about, no charger, and no easy access to pc or other alternative.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 11-Jul-19 09:30:00

I'd start with - You are cheating on me. I know you are.
See what his response is.
Then ask to see his phone.
His response to this will tell you all you need to know.

PaterPower Thu 11-Jul-19 09:32:52

Hi OP,
Sorry. There are a lot of threads where anything is touted as fair game, but you didn’t say that so my comment was out of line.

The second bit was down to my PE in that I was cheated on. She chose to break the marriage up but I was prepared to stick through it and work at it (purely) because of my DC. Had we not had them at the time I wouldn’t have entertained it.

So in that respect I think DC can make a big difference in how someone might choose to act but I appreciate that’s not true for everyone either.

BillMasen Thu 11-Jul-19 09:53:02

"I'd start with - You are cheating on me. I know you are.
See what his response is.
Then ask to see his phone.
His response to this will tell you all you need to know."

Really? pretty destructive to pile in with that if he's not. Plenty of times on here people are told to Ltb when a partner does this (male accuses female)

NameChangeNugget Thu 11-Jul-19 10:29:12

Would it be a faux pas to ask for his phone outright?

Yes, if someone didn’t trust me and asked that question, I’d bin them off immediately.

crankyassnoperope Thu 11-Jul-19 10:35:39

Yes, if someone didn’t trust me and asked that question, I’d bin them off immediately.

You'd bin off your whole marriage because your spouse, in a moment of insecurity, asked you to put their mind at rest?

Good luck with that.

mumof2greatgirls Thu 11-Jul-19 10:51:33

I asked, and to my regret its the worst thing I did. Things haven't been right with us for years, many many arguments. Last year, the arguments stopped and I suspected there was someone else. Nothing out of the ordinary, just far less arguing. My mind raced, thinking there was someone else so I confronted him. Asked for phone, email password etc, something I'd never done before. He handed everything over without a second thought.
Later that day he suggested we seperate. He said the trust was gone. We had other issues for years, mainly my lack of Libido, and he had given up with me. So for me to basically suggest there might be someone else was the last straw for him. I have now moved out and living with DDs in an apartment.
So, in my own insecurity, I did something I regret. Thats not to say you shouldnt ask. But maybe it should be in a more gentle way

SuzieQQQ Thu 11-Jul-19 11:03:04

I think it’s extremely odd you don’t know his phone password. Very dodgy indeed. That would be enough for me.

PartridgeJoan Thu 11-Jul-19 11:04:30

Where does he leave his phone normally? Is it out of sight, or always face down? Those were the first clues I spotted when an ex was cheating

Ifonlyiknew6 Thu 11-Jul-19 11:40:41

Thank you so much for all your replies. Definitely giving me food for thought. I hope noone gets heated over this topic but it is emotive so I appreciate everyone has different opinions.

Phone has been left out at times then other times glued to him. Ie into bathroom which we're all guilty of (maybe not). I suppose I just wanted to know was a gut feeling enough to cause a shit storm as @mumof2greatgirls, this is my fear.

@PaterPower- no offence taken and I apologise if you took me the wrong way but I'd never invade privacy like that no matter the circumstances.

StillAgony Thu 11-Jul-19 13:24:13

I'm not sure taking your phone to the bathroom is the norm?
But I suppose it's more to do with changes in behaviour.. my exP always used to leave his phone lying around.
I knew in the past, before he'd met me, that he'd been in touch with an ex on a FWB basis..the one time he took his phone upstairs when he had a bath I logged into his ipad, and there in an old email account I knew about were emails between them from the previous 7 days...we were in a LDR and I realised how easy it was/is to cheat if you are so inclined..
We are no longer together.
I would say trust your gut, and maybe ask to use his phone when you are out somewhere, because you've forgotten yours, and gauge his reaction..

Aperolspritztime Thu 11-Jul-19 13:26:55

A gut feeling is one thing and I do think we have one for a reason. However, going slightly against the grain here with the phone passcode sharing.

DP and I don't know each others and I know I'm not having an affair. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my DP going through my phone, as it's an invasion of privacy. I might have been googling some embarrassing symptoms that day or had a small rant about them to a friend on WhatsApp, for example. Things we probably all do on occasion, which might not be nice for a DP to read, but don't mean anything.

That said, if I needed to use DPs phone, they'd let me, but I suspect they'd key in the passcode first and vice versa.

If your DP is having an affair though and you just come out with 'I'm feeling suspicious, can you let me look at your phone?' I strongly suspect they'll just turn it around on you, say no and that you have trust issues.

StarlightSparkle Thu 11-Jul-19 16:31:33

If you ask him, he’ll never admit it and people delete things from their phones (especially if they’re having an affair).

My senses were triggered when he kept receiving messages from a work colleague early in the morning. It was linked to an iPad and he didn’t hide his tracks very well so it didn’t take long to uncover his web of lies.

Is there anyway you can check his whereabouts on evenings he’s not with you? I found evidence in STBXH’s calendar that proved he wasn’t where he told me he was.

mumof2greatgirls Thu 11-Jul-19 18:44:22

As I said, Its a sense of profound regret for me. I'm in an apartment with our DDs, hes at home in our house and sees me as a despicable person. To my knowledge there is no one else. He just switched off from me. I didnt help the situation either. All our friends see me as the Baddie here. He's being consoled by all and I'm the paranoid B***h.
I wish i could turn back the clock

Fizzysours Thu 11-Jul-19 19:28:17

Mumof2greatgirls I think you are being treated bloody harshly and he is minimising his part in the break up. Sounds like he put in very reduced effort leading up to your accusation...then latched onto it as a great way of putting all the blame on you. You asked him for a reason!!!!! It is a reasonable question to ask a partner who is no longer loving!!!!

mumof2greatgirls Thu 11-Jul-19 19:51:38

@Fizzysours I'm sorry you picked this up all wrong. My Libido has been non existent for quite a few years and he's lived with that throughout. I went for counselling but nothing helped. It seems Dh just gave up on me.
He hardly spoke, drifted in and out of the house as if I wasn't there, hence the supspicion on my part. When I confronted him, it was the last straw. He said he had nothing to hide but I had destroyed him.
Thats when he asked for the separation
Ironically, I still love him and I believe he still loves me but I doubt he'll ever come around to me again. He sees my suspicion mind as being some sort of justification for our seperation. I think he's just had enough sad

CharlieBoo Thu 11-Jul-19 20:03:34

My husband suddenly started taking a huge interest in how he looked, new clothes, expensive watch, joined a gym.. very uninterested in me and was always at work.. he would go to the toilet a lot, a couple of times every half hour, then I noticed he’d be online in there ... eventually it came out he’d been having a relationship with a woman at work... you’d just never think he was the type but proves what I know...

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