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I feel stuck(48 Posts)
I met my OH after not much success on the dating front, and we hit it off and escalated things very quickly. He had a lot of history which he was upfront about most of at the beginning. He suffers MH issues, and degenerative discs, which combined he takes a lot of medication for.
When he was younger he contracted mumps (born during the MMR scare in the 80's, was not vaccinated) and was sterilised as a result. Because of this now any partner he had would have had to go through IVF to conceive. His stuff is on ice in a clinic nearby.
I found out some time into the relationship that OH is an alcoholic, connected to the MH issues. He has now been sober for 6 months and hails me as his saviour and the reason for his sobriety (as do his family) Because of this he has been in the care of an alcohol charity and lives in a subsidised property, but a condition of this is that he cannot be employed. He is coming to the end of his time with the charity and we have talked for a while about him coming to live with me and getting a job. As it is at the moment we spend most time at his because he can't drive.
So.... now to me.... I am 33 and I have worked away from home on projects for five years, long before I met OH. I love my job, I'm successful, people respect me, and I'm generally getting on in life. OH hates it. Just recently he has started being quite assertive in our nightly conversations, telling me how can I possibly consider continuing to work away with the fact that we need to have IVF soon or we will run out of time? (the county I live in is 36 maternal age, the county he lives in is 37) He also says he is struggling to cope with me being away all the time.
He thinks I'm not taking it seriously (the IVF cut off) and am actively trying to find delays and diversions to avoid making a decision. It came to a head tonight and I had to be quite direct with him and say "yes love, I do enjoy my job, that does not mean I enjoy being away from you" and "yes I'm terrified of making the conscious decision to become a parent, I'd much rather nature made that decision for me, but we are where we are but no I can't give you a definitive answer right now" he thinks I'm avoiding the situation but it's far more complex than that. I totally understand his fears about being an old dad and us running out of time, but I wish he'd understand I'm scared too.
Another part of me thinks he suspects I may very well duck out of becoming a parent altogether and leave him without a partner, in which case I have a very slight suspicion he is trying to guilt trip me into leaving the relationship. This is a very slight fear but it did cross my mind. Obviously then that loads the guilt at my doorstep for any deterioration in his mental health.
The truth is I don't know what to do right now. I have three years in which to get to the top of my game at work, lose three stone, get married, visit all the places i want to see then start IVF. I know there will be a whole lot of "there is a life after children, you know" but I'm the sort of person who goes to a pub or on holiday and can't stand that there's kids there. Sorry mums. Until very recently I was not the maternal type. I've become aware my body clock is ticking, but it's just scary knowing I HAVE to make the jump to leaving my job and suchlike.
I'm trying to make OH understand that relationships are about sacrifice sometimes and I'm willing to make that sacrifice, I just need to plan and make sure everything's in place and we are going to be financially secure, etc but he is convinced I am going to resent him and any children we might have for putting a stop to my dreams (not my thoughts)
Just wondering if anyone has any gems of wisdom for me, I'd prefer encouraging conversation as I'm alone in a hotel room miles from home and have no one to turn to. Thanks lovelies xxx
Good luck to you mrsbooth
I think you've had a very lucky escape! I hope you find the man of your dreams soon, without all that baggage!
Oh and ps. Thanks for the update!
Hi anyone who is still attached to this thread..... Hope you're all doing ok
Well..... we made it to a year but regrettably we couldn't limp it along any further.
After our conversation which was the subject of this thread things continued to deteriorate and resulted in the nasty end to our relationship I feel sad, relieved, happy and poor all at once. But in the words of Paul Heatley: " I'll sail this ship alone"
So I just thought I'd let any MN still interested that it was indeed doomed to fail and did so spectacularly. Now all I want is to move on with my life, my job and my social life
Love to all
How does he intend to support his child? I suspect he doesn't, but expects you to provide the finance and for him to 'look after it'. Hollow laugh.
Then once you have a kid you can't leave because you need him and the kid 'loves him'.
There's no law that says you have to have kids at all. I wouldn't, in these ghastly circumstances.
or wait until he has kept a job for at least a year before he moves in. I am worried he will lose his job and sponge off you.
NO no no no no ggaaaaawd no. Didn't even need to finish this. DO NOT let this man move in with you. And certainly don't have his kids.
I think you need to run the heck away from this relationship. I don't know if anyone mentioned it but the whole 'making me his saviour' thing is a massive red flag. That and literally everything else lol. Also, he is still an alcoholic and always will be, he could relapse at any time so having kids with him...I mean it wouldn't be fair on them.
The truth is you DO know what you need to do right now, you need to leave him. No excuses. No 'oh but what if I don't meet someone else?' or 'oh but how will he be without me?' or 'oh my body clock is ticking' sorry but all of that is irrelevant. He is not a suitable partner, if he moves in with you he will suck you dry (in every which way) and you cannot have kids with a recovering alcoholic who cannot work and who has mental health issues!
Look up codepenceny, it sounds relevant here.
You are not stuck but will be if you have a child with him.
He needs to be self supporting, sober, responsible for himself for at least three years. Does let him move in.
I am not sure what the attraction is, but each to their own, but as a PP said he is trying to bring you down to his level.
Being in the saviour role is absolutely exhausting - even though from the outside it can look to others like you have a doting partner, you often slip into carer role and become their sole source of emotional support. This means all their happiness, sadness, anger, fear etc is all channeled through (and often AT) you.
Yes he has had a tough time of it, you aren't taking that away from him, but his wants and needs do not take priority over yours. Your timelines and immediate priorities / concerns are not compatible at the moment.
Just a warning, if you agree with him to not have kids then later down the line you split up and you have a child with someone else he will view this as a betrayal and paint you as the villain of the piece. And he will be wrong - it's your choice if, when and who you have children with.
the bit that really stood out for me was how he and his parents hail you as his saviour and the reason for his sobriety.
Because guess who will get the blame when he falls off the wagon? This happened to me.
OP this man is so so vulnerable!! He's living in a dry house - he is YEARS away from being a safe bet for father material. I find it frightening that he is focusing on having children while fighting for his life. It does not speak volumes for how seriously he's taking his recovery....
It also screams of him wanting to change the way he feels - which having a baby won't do as nothing outside of him will iyswim?
Get off this treadmill.
How confident are you in his sobriety? Do you understand the risks there and how precarious a place he is in at 6 months sober?
Not a half bad idea @towelnumber42 I think you missed your calling, fancy the job? I'm that friend that's in the pub toilets telling strangers "LEAVE THE WEE GOBSHITE" little did I think I'd be on MN at 2am pleading my own case
I recommend getting your own therapist who specialises in codependency to help you and help you keep focus on the importance of your own mental health when everything's all about his issues. Your run of dating bad luck might have been codependency fall out you know.
@TowelNumber42 I've been privy to conversations with the clinic and am confident that he was clean and healthy at the point of harvest
@Likeazombi @Nearlyalmost50 the sperm was syringed directly from the organ that produces it (can't remember the name of it) it was tested and found to be good quality. Because it can't travel through the tube to the ejaculate it is considered a male form of sterility (to get graphic, he ejaculates but there is nothing there to be of any use)
Yes he was questioning his fertility in his early 30s, they asked about medical history and put two and two together with the mumps. It was undetected at the time of the infection but he did say (and this is medically accurate) his testicles were the size of mangoes.
I think what I'm going to go ahead and do is tell him that we will not move forwards until I see progress with the issues he has. You have all been really helpful, and actually very kind, so I thank you all. I'm sure I'll get lots more replies and if I have anything else to report I'll be sure to post it here. I feel a little less alone tonight girls, you came in, cheers xxx
Fucking menopausal insomnia is hitting me again. Am about to try sleeping again. Am shitting myself over how tired I'll be tomorrow given how much I have to do. I have a brilliant DH. I have no idea how people with shite partners survive. Don't do that to your future self and your future children. You'll regret it every second for the rest of your life.
Raising a child is challenging, isolating and a huge learning curve. (It's beautiful and rewarding too of course) Do you think your DP will be able to cope with this? If you are the breadwinner, how will he handle being the one to look after the baby? 6 months is a very short amount of time to be sober. Looking from the outside in, with the information you have given, all I can see is your DP not coping with the stress. You will be lumped with the majority of the housework, child rearing, working to bring in the money and looking after your DP for both his physical and MH issues. Sorry OP but your future looks pretty grim at the moment. You're only 33. It really does sound like you are settling because you had a tough run on the dating scene. I would take a step back from this man. He needs to get himself together without leaning on you. You need to focus on your own life and goals.
I would not have children with this man. If he is crediting his sobriety solely to you, I dread to think what is going to happen when all your energy is focused on a baby. You sound very intelligent and honestly, I think you can do better.
This a car crash, in fact multiple pile up waiting to happen.
Please listen to Towel
Blame is already being focussed on you isn't it?
Mrs Booth, he is punching above his weight and he knows it.
Your still young and if you stay with this man, you will see the warning lights to late. Your be trapped and no where to run.
So start running now, and don't look back. Remember this all his history etc it all comes down to this.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
You only get one life and go live it for yourself.
I'm worried for you 😔
Al-anon are great for codependency. Did the charity send you to any meetings yet? Highly recommended for partners of alcoholics.
MrsBooth I think what was being questioned is how, if he got mumps, he then provided the sample stored elsewhere. My boyfriend in my early twenties got mumps from me (I feel very guilty still) and immediately went to the doctors about storing sperm but we were told the damage would already have been done. But we didn't seek medical expertise beyond that.
It must be hard to read some of these replies- you say you really love this guy and I don't doubt that. If he can step up to the plate, get a job, get a place and so on, then perhaps, perhaps...I wouldn't personally want someone with that many problems and who isn't responsive for solving them themselves (e.g. by learning to drive, by getting a job, by finding their own place) and blames others. One day that blame will be focused on you.
Was he drinking and taking loads of medication when the sperm was harvested? Maybe not drinking/pill popping on the day but in the weeks leading up to harvest?
@Oldstyle @TowelNumber42 Thank you - and yes he did make the decision and become sober himself
here you go hun - read the bit about defects of tubules
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