Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why am I so pissed off? Sorry - a bit long, but maybe you could help with perspective?

(20 Posts)
Rantmum Sat 28-Jul-07 22:05:24

Dh and I have been together for 12 years, married for 8 and have a beautiful 2 year old ds. I don't know whether this is normal or not but recently I have had these feelings of growing resentment towards dh, although I can't really put a finger on why. When he starts to talk I can feel it winding me up, when he goes to hug me, the sheer annoyance makes me want to push him away. I wish I could be more specific about the things that are getting on my nerves. I know that I love him, but I sometimes feel trapped in the relationship and in my life. It is not as simple as needing to get a job (which I know would help - I am a sahm at the moment)

We are relocating abroad in a couple of months with his job, we have moved every year to 2 years since we got married (mainly for his job, twice for mine), including once during my pgy and once when ds was less than a year old, and, especially since ds was born, I have found the moving less exciting and more difficult and frankly I feel lonely a lot of the time, but we never stay anywhere long enough for me to make really close friends.

There are all these things that were important to us when we were younger that I still think many of them are achievable, but dh seems to have lost interest in them and is happy in his job (vastly different from what he was doing when we got married) and everytime I try to discuss it he gives me a 5 year time frame in which we can start thinking about moving closer to the dream, but never commits to doing anything about it now and I think that we are not getting any younger. I feel quite let down alot of the time, like he has turned out to be an entirely different person than who he seemed to be when we were younger. He is still nice, and kind and loving and a really great father for ds, and I know I could do a lot worse, so what is wrong with me?

Rantmum Sat 28-Jul-07 22:10:42

Well, it was a bit of a non-specific rant, just hoped someone would be sufficiently bored (or pissed) tonight to have a stab at some advice.

FrannyandZooey Sat 28-Jul-07 22:11:49

Saturday night very poor night to get in depth and serious advice I think

I don't tend to be much good at this but will read and have a try

FrannyandZooey Sat 28-Jul-07 22:14:52

I think it all sounds very understandable and unfortunately common to me

I think the fact you are aware that something is wrong and starting to try to pinpoint it is a very good thing

can you speak to him about this and agree to set some time aside this week and in the next few weeks to discuss all that you have mentioned and try to regain some closeness and trust?

Perhaps writing down some of the things you feel might be helpful - and showing them to him?

binklehasflipped Sat 28-Jul-07 22:15:13

no advice but lots of empathy.

my dh eating - ggrrrr!!!!

WHY do you have to eat so loudly?????

WHY are you making all that noise??

dh - I'm just breathing..

my dh coming near me in bed - sigggghh

DONT TOUCH ME - you know I hate it when you touch me all tickly

DH - you used to like it

me - well I dont NOW DO I??? Get your feet away as well,

DH - they're not touching you

me - NO, but I can feel the static of them - they're too close. I'm too hot for this!

And so on....

Think it's called relationship fatigue..

ZZMum Sat 28-Jul-07 22:18:05

Not surprised you resent him at all -- your life choices are totally dictated by his job and as a result, you have no close friends which means you are totally dependant on him -- I think resentment is a very natural part of that...

It is time for his to see your needs are not being met in this lifestyle choice of constantly moving -- you need to get him to commit to a plan to move closer to a life you want... if you do not, I think the way you feel could quickly destroy the good stuff...

Rantmum Sat 28-Jul-07 22:18:25

lol binkle - glad it's not just me

I get really angry at him, though, and not just at the relationship fatigue stuff actually fuming-type anger and it isn't hormonal cos the timing is not that specific. I don't get it.

greensleeves Sat 28-Jul-07 22:20:19

Are you feeling frustrated/fed up generally at the moment? I find that I feel exactly as you describe about dh (every word and mannerism makes my teeth itch, I just want him to SHUT UP and GO AWAY) when I am nursing a sort of low-grade bubbling irritation which has no one cause and refuses to come to a head.

I find when I feel like this that I need to make myself go out alone, or with female friends, (and have long baths with the door locked and something to read) and try to calm down/slow down mentally and have a proper break from dh and the house and the children and all the other crap that hangs round my neck. I usually find that when I feel calmer and less frenetic about everything else, dh's voice miraculously stops sounding like a cross between Jasper Carrot and Stuart Little.

That may be totally useless to you but as Franny says, do try bumping this when it isn't Saturday night and you might get better responses.

binklehasflipped Sat 28-Jul-07 22:20:47

yes, I mean, I can laugh at the niggly stuff, but I also get really seriously annoyed at dh, usually in regards to the way he bosses me about (or tries to) in front of our dd and also that he thinks he's the boss of the house in general (when will they ever learn eh? )

elesbells Sat 28-Jul-07 22:23:14

i think it happens to us all after so long together.

once DP was in the bathroom brushing he teeth while i was doing my hair and the noise of him brushing...well i just wanted to smash his face in..i had to leave the room before i shoved the toothbrush down his throat!

lol at blink its all true

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo Sat 28-Jul-07 22:24:14

As an expat wife I may be getting an idea where are you coming from.

I think that it is very important that you sit and think what may be causing the problem. Do you resent him that he goes on with his professional life while you have to stay at home?, do you feel lonely while he is so busy doing interesting things at work?, do you think that it is your time now to settle down a bit so you can build up a network of support around you and your DS? (am I biased or what?

If so, please define what you need to feel better and talk to him. 5 year time frame seems to me like an awfully long time to start moving "towards a dream". By then you wouldn't have much in common left particularly if you are feeling he is letting you down a lot of the time. Better to start now even if they are tiny little steps that may take you there at some point.

Beauregard Sat 28-Jul-07 22:25:14

pmsl @ elesbells
Sounds familiar !

Rantmum Sat 28-Jul-07 22:27:46

Yeah, F&Z, I know we should talk more about it - but it seems that we go in circles when we try, I suppose I should try a different way of communicating with him.

ZZ you are right too, in the sense that my life choices are dictated by his job, but that is not totally his fault because we have always discussed decisions as they affect us at the time. I suppose I have never insisted that we don't move, because I have believed that doing so would restrict his ability to pursue his career, but I have told him that I wanted to settle down somewhere before (so that I can restart my career) and he has agreed, but then the circumstances change and our discussions start again and we find ourselves deciding to move or whatever.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo Sat 28-Jul-07 22:30:12

"I have believed that doing so would restrict his ability to pursue his career"

Erm, I finally realised after 9 years of marriage that that is exactly what has ruined mine.

Leati Sat 28-Jul-07 22:36:22

Hmmm I think you should talk to him about how you are feeling...
It sounds more like frustration at being put in this position than anything else

This will make you feel better

Rantmum Sat 28-Jul-07 22:36:46

Yes Isabel, you are right, I do need to define the problem and I think that my inability to do that is part of the problem. I do want to go out and work and I also want to settle somewhere and have proper friends and a proper social life. I don't think that I resent him having an independent life at work, but more that it bugs me that when we move his colleagues all stay the same whereas i have to start to make friends from scratch in every place we move to, so there is no continuity and he seems to totally underestimate just how tricky that that can be. Also, I could just get "a job", but I want to start working on building up the business that we used to talk about, but I can't do that and all the child care on my own - he was intrinsic to the plan.

Sorry I am going on and on and I do realise that this is hardly the worst problem in the world.

ZZMum Sat 28-Jul-07 22:37:39

but it is a big problem in your world -- you need to make this a priority!!

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo Sat 28-Jul-07 22:40:15

Very much agree with ZZ

Rantmum Sat 28-Jul-07 22:44:02

So I guess I need to do more talking ( and try to avoid letting the resentment boil over).

Now do I have a large glass of wine first, or will that make matters worse?

Thanks folks - I needed to vent and to recieve the solid MN advice.

fussymummy Sat 28-Jul-07 23:14:23

You sound like me!
We've been together 14 years and have 3 kids.
We hardly talk.
Have no relationship.
Thankfully i don't have to move like you do.
This has been going on for so long now that i can't take much more.
I hate everything he does and don't want him near me.
He just grates on me.
When i try to talk to him he never listens.
I could go on all night, but i won't.
I've started trying to do things for me to see if it helps.
Maybe you could do the same for yourself?
Only thing is, is that when i go out i don't want to come home to him!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now