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My husband of 25 years gay...

(84 Posts)
Corinthian44 Wed 10-Jul-19 17:16:37

I'm going through a divorce, I asked him a few months ago when we decided to split if he was gay because it would explain his behaviour and I would feel better, but he said he wasn't.
I found out 2 weeks ago he is, so I sent him a 5 page letter expressing how I feel especially as he took 50% of my inheritance as part of the settlement.
I am very angry and bitter but also feel ridiculous that people will laugh about my stupidity.
Don't know where to turn for support.

sunshinesupermum Wed 10-Jul-19 17:31:09

I'm so sorry Corinthian Ten years ago I was where you are today. Ignore anyone who dares to laugh at you. You ARE NOT STUPID. In your situation I recommend this website for support and advice: straightpartnersanonymous.com/about/

You say you are just going through your divorce?
You cannot divorce him for same sex adultery, unbelievably. Irretrievable breakdown is the only option if he agrees. You can get your Nisi after 2 years separation if he doesn't agree to the divorce.

BUT DO NOT APPLY FOR ABSOLUTE until you and your solicitor are satisfied that the Consent Order is a fair one. The Consent Order
is where all the financial arrangements (and child arrangement etc) are agreed by the Court.

DM me if I can help. You will get through this, I promise flowers

RushianDisney Wed 10-Jul-19 17:33:13

I'm no help with things like this I'm afraid OP, all I can offer is sympathy and a massive fuck him flowers

TheGrapefulDread Wed 10-Jul-19 17:45:32

I wouldn’t laugh, many people wouldn’t, anyone who would isn’t worth your time or consideration. gin flowers Do you have a SHL ?

Herocomplex Wed 10-Jul-19 17:51:09

It’s not ridiculous, I know people it’s happened to. I hope no one is laughing, that would be outrageous. Some gay people can’t admit it to themselves, or lead double lives. Whatever the story is I’m really sorry, it’s a terrible situation.

PicsInRed Wed 10-Jul-19 17:55:02

Are the finances finalised?
If not, can you renegotiate the settlement?

Orbison Wed 10-Jul-19 17:55:07

I'm so sorry you're going through this, op.
You're not stupid and anyone who says differently
isn't worth your time.
Keep going forwards one step at a time - head high at all times.
You'll find there's some great support on here.
For you: flowers

readitandwept Wed 10-Jul-19 17:59:19

Anyone laughing at that situation is 100% not someone to give a shit about.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit Wed 10-Jul-19 18:00:42

I was in a relationship with someone who turned out to be gay, admittedly it was only 5 years so not the level of pain you are experiencing and we weren't married.
Nobody will laugh. Although if I told you the 'signs 'that I
chose to ignore you would be grinconfused
Big Unmumsnetty hugs to you.

MMmomDD Wed 10-Jul-19 18:02:03

OP - I am sorry about the divorce.
If you haven’t yet finalised financial arrangements - push your solicitor again as inheritance can be protected in some cases.

Him being gay - or at least bi- doesn’t have anything to do with financial settlement. Would it have been better if he took 50% while having fallen out of love?
And no one would judge you for something you have no control over.

One day at a time and then it will slowly start getting better!!!

BedraggledBlitz Wed 10-Jul-19 18:02:43

Sorry that must have been a shock for you. I wouldn't laugh at you, noone with any empathy would.

I don't fully understand the part about the 50/50 inheritance, does it mean you wouldn't have agreed to that if you had known he is gay? Presumably you just wanted to get the divorce through?

Corinthian44 Wed 10-Jul-19 18:17:39

We had a legal agreement which went through before the consent order is done because he wanted peace of mind he's have the family home (yes we owned two houses) I am also bitter because I am older and had money from 3 previous homes, he brought nothing and was very passionate just what he would get. I feel like I have been done over by him in more ways than one.
Divorce based on his unreasonable behaviour mainly anger issues which are clear as he had so much supression, he comes from a religious family so our family unit looked good.

Helix1244 Wed 10-Jul-19 18:32:17

I wouldnt laugh at you i would be pissed off with him for being so dishonest.

31RueCambon Wed 10-Jul-19 18:37:21

I don't blame you for being sad about losing half of your inheritance to a man who pretended he was straight. You're probably feeling only he knew it was a sham but he still walks away with half of your inheritance and that's real.

I had a bf once who turned out to be gay so my heart goes out to you. It's so confusing. I hope that you can be a little less shocked by this every day. One day at a time is good advice.

Corinthian44 Wed 10-Jul-19 18:38:01

I think it's the lies that bothered me, the living a complete lie and especially as I asked him outright, he also said he didn't think I'd give him the house and I said you have my word he had the cheek to say, yes you gave me that 25 years ago and where did that get us.....whilst all along knowing. I think all his birthdays came when I said I wanted us to split up.

PicsInRed Wed 10-Jul-19 18:40:29

Do you have a solicitor?
This settlement doesn't sound fair to you at all.

Corinthian44 Wed 10-Jul-19 18:43:46

It was done via online solicitor...almost at decree nisi stage but as I said legal agreement is done which is the same as the consent order.
I'd really like his family and friends to know, obviously wouldn't out him but he's playing the injured party here.

iluvnettletea Wed 10-Jul-19 18:46:04

25 years is a huge investment. I am so sorry.
Take a look at www.straightspouse.org

SusieSusieSoo Wed 10-Jul-19 23:14:11

OP I would spend a bit of cash & see a specialist solicitor because it might not be too late to try & get a better deal on the finances xx

SusieOwl4 Wed 10-Jul-19 23:19:09

On line solicitor where there is so much at stake ? Not sure that’s a good move? Sorry about your situation . It sounds an awful position to be in.

notapizzaeater Wed 10-Jul-19 23:23:54

You needed a solicitor with teeth, I'd check in case it's not too late

Northernparent68 Wed 10-Jul-19 23:39:30

Do you have children ? How are they coping

PicsInRed Thu 11-Jul-19 07:13:10

Go and see a good solicitor - one with a door -before that consent order goes through.

Don't just stand back and let this happen to you.

sunshinesupermum Thu 11-Jul-19 15:55:44

Corinthian Please please don't proceed with an online divorce. This situation needs a solicitor with teeth. I've never heard of a 'legal agreement' being the same as a Consent Order which has to be approved by the Court so that all parties are treated fairly. You are not being treated fairly.

'Parties are not required to use lawyers to enter into Consent Orders, although it is prudent to do. ... In order for a Financial Agreement to be legally binding, both parties must each have received their own independent legal advice in relation to a list of matters specified in the Family Law Act.'

hellsbellsmelons Thu 11-Jul-19 16:04:04

Get thee to a solicitor quick sharp.
This is not fair on you.
The settlement sounds very much in his favour.
Do you have children together?

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