Help! Recovering after husband cheated

[QueenOfFireFighting]

Ok new to this, I’ve read a million things on fixing things and moving forward but I’m in a real pickle so here goes...
I’ve been with my partner for 20 years this year and 2 children later. We met young at 16 and had our first child at 18. We’ve not really had the family around us to support us, it’s only ever been us. We have had our ups and downs, we’ve both always worked full time. We’ve struggled with a lot over the years, we lost our house and moved to rented accommodation, sold the house for less than we bought it for but in hindsight it was a moneypit and wasn’t best advised on when and what to buy. So we accumulated some debt selling but didn’t want to be stuck with it so decided that was the best thing to do. Partner struggled with depression and I dealt with it the best I could. There’s so much help for the depressed individual (once they finally seek help), but now years in as we’ve struggled I’ve soon realised after he resents me for not doing enough that no one helps the family of the depressed person. When he came onto medication, and we spoke to the doctor. I took anything that was a burden or an extra challenge and made arrangements to ease things for him and us to allow him to recover in his own time, such as getting a cleaner, getting someone to do the school runs, prepping meals in advance - the usual bickering that’s involved in daily operations of running a family. I invited him to family day trips and encouraged him to go to the gym and made sure he ate well and slept well. I did what I thought was best. 3 years into depression, it was a shock to hear he wanted to leave me. He said I didn’t support him through his depression and isolated him out of the family. This hurt so badly and was such a shock. I was so upset and tried to explain the processes of the last 3 years, to be fair I didn’t expect it to last so long and though eventually he’d get well enough to start picking things back up but didn’t put any pressure on him to do so. And after some deep conversations we decided to try again. To find out a couple of months after he’s had an affair with someone from the gym. My world has been shattered by this point, of all the things we’ve gotten over the last 20 years he’s done a lot of things but he’s always been the most loyal human. And I felt so hurt as you can imagine. After 6 weeks of begging and apologising for failing him he agreed to try again. This happened in January and now he just hates me, he resents me, says I’m forcing him to stay when he doesn’t want to. We are living apart at the moment and I can’t bare it. I can’t bare being separated. The children are pining for him and asking when he’s coming g home. My issue is, I’m cross at him but I understand he was lonely and feel like I can forgive him. But it’s gotten to the point where my ‘abandoning’ him has become more of a thing than him cheating. He just makes me feel like a bad person and I cry every single day second guessing every decision I ever made thinking I was doing what’s best for him, us and the children. My question is, how do we overcome this? It’s 20 years of our life. I’m only 36. I want another 20 years plus with this man. I think what’s this blip in a lifetime? I feel like I’m always trying to convince him! We had a good life, good jobs and brilliant kids. I just don’t understand why we’re not good enough? Please give me some advice and sorry it’s so wordy

[roundturnandtwohalfhitches]

You poor thing. He's ground you down to think everything your fault- including his affair. He wants to leave but doesn't even have the balls to own that either. You need to change your thinking. He's abusing you and you are letting him. You're conditioned to keeping things together. You need to locate your self respect from whatever corner he's buried it with his crap and get a better life for yourself. As you say you're only 36. I wish you the strength to do it.

[QueenOfFireFighting]

Thanks for your quick reply, I think I know that deep down. But how do I do that? At the moment I struggle with that concept. But then flit to knowing what life was like before this and it was good. So I’m hoping this stage of depression will pass and I don’t want to shout and scream and be that person when i genuinely care about the stage he’s at in his life and still want to support him, even though I feel like I’m suffering and worrying how long I can keep it up for.
He basically said I was fat (I’m a size 12) and that she was perfect and he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. So I’m constantly self conscious. But I feel he was saying these awful things to me to make me want to leave, but I’ve allowed him to call me the worst things, thinking he’s just lashing out because he’s angry and confused about the position he’s out himself in and that he’s not angry at me but he has no other outlet. When I write this I know it’s ridiculous. I think he wants me to end it finally by being as vile to me as possible. But I also know he’s never ever been like this ever so this isn’t normal behaviour. But I agree, I am conditioned to keep things together. My parents divorced when I was young and resented my mother for not trying hard enough. I blamed my mum as in my head I felt she should have tried harder to keep the family together and I think this is why I’m trying so hard ☹️

[QueenOfFireFighting]

So now I feel like, we either end and that's it. But I feel like we've got one more go, and if we do... how? How do we take the next steps into fixing things?

[roundturnandtwohalfhitches]

I understand trying to keep a marriage together but he's behaving awfully towards you- he really is. You need to look at it from the outside.What would you say to someone else who's DH did this. It's hard but don't look back at what it was like- it's not that now, it probably never was as amazing as you remember and with his awful behaviour he's ruined it. Him. Not you. Let him go. He's not the man you married if he's vile to the mother of his children to avoid doing the hard stuff himself. You need to find your anger.

[spritesobright]

This is NOT your fault. You supported him through his depression and despite this he has an affair and blames it on you?!?
Affairs can only be overcome in a marriage if the cheater is contrite and remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to gain your trust back.
He is doing none of those things. My ex cheated as well and I desperately wanted to 'fix' him and save the marriage.
But you can't do it alone and he's given up.
Mop your self-respect up off the floor, channel your inner anger, gather strength from friends and family, and file for divorce.
Just doing that will put you back in control. You can do it!

[roundturnandtwohalfhitches]

I don't think you can fix it if he doesn't want to. The more you try the more he'll pull away.If you let him go maybe he'll come back but hopefully at that point you don't want to. I'd be tempted to say 'You want to go. Off you fuck then'. He's expecting you to plead and beg. Prove him wrong.

[CarrieBlu]

You can do better than him. He’s gaslighting you and at the moment you’re playing into his hands doing the ‘pick me’ dance. He cheated, he’s a piece of shit and you’re letting him blame everything on you. LTB.

[justilou1]

Oh darling you need to look up what Gaslighting is and start to get angry!!!

[QueenOfFireFighting]

I haven't gotten to the angry stage yet, which I know my friends are eager for me to get to.
I just love him so much and the feeling won't shift. I feel so ridiculous and I'm so deeply embarrassed about failing my children. It's so hard when people on the outside see you as really strong resilient and successful but it means absolutely nothing at home where I feel so desperate and vulnerable and it's the first time in my life I've ever felt like this.

[QueenOfFireFighting]

Also, I've tried the off you fuck approach and then 5 minutes later I was begging and apologising again haha

[PicsInRed]

Is he really "depressed", clinically depressed, or is he just a perpetually dissatisfied, unpleasant and abusive twunt?

[AzraiL]

He's cheated and you spent 6 weeks apologising for failing him?

He's really done a number on you. And he's probably smugly patting himself on the back for not only weaseling his way out of apologising, but for making you feel like it's your fault.

Please gather what remaining fire and spirit you have left and quietly show him the door.

[QueenOfFireFighting]

He's on medication, recently upped his dosage. He's also had cbt on and off for the last 3 years also.

[QueenOfFireFighting]

I have tried to 'show him the door', he moved out and I thought he'd miss us. But he doesn't and this pains me more!

[QueenOfFireFighting]

Sorry I'm new to this so don't know how to reply to people individually 🤷🏻‍♀️

[FetchezLaVache]

If you had your first child at 18 and are now 36, your older child really shouldn't be 'pining' for Daddy and you shouldn't be feeling you have 'failed' him or her.

[QueenOfFireFighting]

And in a real selfish way, do I call it selfish? I don't want to eventually share my life with anyone else. We've worked so hard to create a good life, through all this rubbish somehow I've managed to keep my private life private from work and managed to get a ridiculous promotion and pay rise and I want to share my life with him and feel like this is what we've worked so hard to achieve.
I just want him to be proud of me, I want him to think I'm enough.

[QueenOfFireFighting]

The eldest kind of knows what's going on and has the approach of...I'll never talk to him again and won't talk to him and doesn't want to spend time with him but I know she's just angry at him. My youngest is in year 6 and is very young for her age and doesn't really know what's going on other than we're trying to figure it out. She's just recently started taking to the healthy child team at school

[Wizbetisanizbet]

@QueenOfFireFighting very gently. You need to pull your bitch boots on. He's treating you appallingly and you are letting him.

Firstly, please stop apologising to him. YOU have nothing to apologise for.

Start looking for lawyers to know your rights and if necessary file for divorce. You can always stop the proceedings but you need to know where you stand.

Read up on the 180 and start implementing it. It will help you take a step back and more detached view of the situation.

Visit surviving infidelity.net - lots of resources and people who are going through the same thing.

You are strong, remember that!

Hugs.

[givemeallthecoffee]

You are enough! I am so fed up with men thinking they can treat others this way.

Stop worrying about him, stop running your life how he wants it done. Start focusing on yourself! What do you want to do about yourself. To make your life better. Not the relationship. YOU.

You are important. F* him. If he doesnt want to put work in after HE has effectively sabotaged the relationship then you begging him to make it work isnt going to make him stay around.

For yourself and your children, stand up tall as you arent the one who has bloody failed them. He has by not being able to handle his shit, being depressed doesnt mean you need to go and have an affair with someone else!

Sorry but it hit a nerve.

[joystir59]

You have to be proud of yourself and know that you are enough, and stop handing over your power and love and strength to him, just for him to squander it.
You deserve better. Let him go and enjoy yourself OP. In time you will built yourself up and enjoy life again. You cannot even begin this process while he is still there. Show him the door. And perhaps gets some therapy to help you process your feelings, see the dynamic at play in your relationship for what it is, and his behaviour for what it is: emotionally abusive and extremely disloyal

[Leeloo79]

What jumps out at me from your posts is you seem to think it's your job to fix your entire relationship/marriage regardless of your husbands behaviour. You've said you blamed your DM for your parents divorcing because she didn't do enough - what about your dad? Did he do enough?

If you are the only one trying then to be blunt, your marriage is already over. It's like trying to clap with only one hand.

Your husband has been a complete shit and takes no responsibility for any of his actions. The cynical part of me really doubts the depression because it sure as hell didn't stop him from shagging someone else

for you because I know how awful this time is but like pps have said, time to find your anger at how you have been treated. No one deserves to be treated like this, no one.

[QueenOfFireFighting]

Thank you. Reading all the comments is making me cry, because I think Ive known all this deep down. I just feel so ashamed and embarrassed and that feeling won't shift.
I just always thought we'd get through anything. I'm mortified and devastated.

He sent me a screen shot of a message my daughter sent him last night and he can't take the emotional side, it makes him angry and I've told my younger daughter not to message him about this stuff because he can't process it and she won't get the reply she wants or needs.

[joystir59]

He is a complete arse.

[joystir59]

Think about a future in which you no longer have to try and fix another person. Imagine the lightness and freedom of pleasing yourself and your children without carrying his dead weight. You are not to blame for this marriage failing. You are not to blame. You are not to blame!!!