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Unsure whether im right

(21 Posts)
mumof2greatgirls Tue 09-Jul-19 23:50:38

So H told me he wants to separate so I moved out. I've tried my best to convince him we can make it work but he's made his mind up. He says we have no future and we're different people. He wants to be fair and has offered to help financially but I have little or no support network.
I moved out because I wanted to, no one else involved, but I havent lived on my own for many many years.
I cant convince him to change his mind and am unsure what the future holds. Any advice?

FuriousVexation Wed 10-Jul-19 02:00:05

How old are your DC and what age did you give up work to look after them (presuming you did)

How long is it since you've worked? Where are you living now?

YouNeedToCalmDown Wed 10-Jul-19 02:01:03

This sounds so difficult for you flowers.

Why didn't he move out instead?

Aquamarine1029 Wed 10-Jul-19 02:39:19

The only thing you can do is take one day at a time and move forward. What else can you do?

AcrossthePond55 Wed 10-Jul-19 02:56:04

Since you refer to him as 'H' I assume you are married.

You need to speak to a family law solicitor the sooner the better. Right now his promises are worth less than nothing. You need to find out your legal position wrt the family home and family finances and how to protect yourself. Not doing so could be a disaster.

mumof2greatgirls Wed 10-Jul-19 09:29:48

My DC are 16 and 6. I havent worked in over 18 years. We struggled to have 1st and ended up with IVF. Second was an absolute surprise. Married 20 years. relationship not great for past 5 years. No one else involved. Hes a great dad but thats as far as it goes. Currently living in small apartment on 6 month let. H has offered to remortgage and pay me off. he wants to keep the house. Can he do that?

AcrossthePond55 Wed 10-Jul-19 13:20:09

See a solicitor!!!!

Without legal representation he can do whatever he wants.

historysock Wed 10-Jul-19 13:22:13

Where are the children? With him?
See a solicitor as soon as you can, I can't stress that enough.
I know you will be shell schocked by you must get advice. He has no right to tell you you to move out and you need to think about what effect that may have on custody discussions later on.

mumof2greatgirls Wed 10-Jul-19 15:21:10

My children are with me. It was my choice to go. Couldnt stand the arguments and fights. We live in a small house and he said he wasnt leaving. Felt i had no choice

historysock Wed 10-Jul-19 15:39:44

Ah ok-that's a positive then.
But it makes no sneane for you and the kids to have moved out of the larger Marital
Home. It's a joint asset. It's not for him to call the shots on what happens to it and you and he children shouldn't be at a disadvantage accommodation wise.
Please get a good solicitor straight away.

These are the hard yards. You need to be tough when you feel your weakest. But if you can do this now it will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life. If you let yourself be railroaded you will regret it later. Take it from one who knows!

mumof2greatgirls Wed 10-Jul-19 17:26:06

I hear you all. I really do.... But I honestly love him. If I go to a solicitor now I'm sure that would end it for good. I dont know if I'm actually ready to accept that. As i said he's a great dad to my DC's. Its just we never seem to get on. I know i'm at fault for a lot of our fights and I didnt want to let the children see us that way. He says he's given up trying but I'm not sure I am. I have a joint current account where his salary goes and I know if he sees me paying a solicitor or taking sums of cash there'll be hell to pay

AcrossthePond55 Wed 10-Jul-19 17:55:36

Love, you may not be ready for it to happen but it already has! For a man to ask/tell his wife to, and let his children, leave the marital home means that he has not only crossed the Rubicon, but that he has tossed you all out of the rowboat in the middle of it.

It's OK that you still love him. No point in trying to pretend otherwise. But an important thing to remember is that sometimes love is simply not enough. And it's not enough when only one member of a couple is the only one trying. BOTH people have to try, no matter who and where the 'fault' lies. And if he no longer loves you, well, as hard as it is to accept he has a right to his feelings, too.

'Hell to pay' if you take money from a joint account? What are you afraid of? How are you going to pay your day to day living expenses without taking money? You cannot let him hold money over your head to control you or get a 'sweet deal' for himself as far as financial settlements go.

Do you know anyone who would be willing to give or advance you the money to see a solicitor? If you were my daughter, I'd give it to you in a shot!!! It's always best to have that first visit in secrecy. It's just to gather information as to your rights. It's not necessarily to draft any papers. Although it's best to get maintenance formalized as soon as possible.

Have you spoken to anyone IRL about this? Your parents? A close friend? You need to get support from those close to you.

Haffiana Wed 10-Jul-19 19:59:04

You say you love him? What does love mean to you?

Does it mean being good and not rocking the boat and putting yourself second and walking on eggshells and constantly having to prove that you are worthy and feeling at fault and feeling fear and...

This isn't love. This is trauma bonding. You are an abused woman and you are showing all the after effects of having lived in the completely twisted reality of an abusive relationship.

You haven't left him at all - you are just waiting for him to come and get you so that you can go back to the familiar fear patterns. That is what trauma bonding does to you. It is perfectly usual in cases of severe relationship abuse. You can google it.

It may be really worth your while doing the Freedom Program, because you URGENTLY need to wise up and protect yourself and your children. You need to protect yourself financially and legally as well as reclaim your emotional boundaries. You can do this. You just need a few lightbulb moments and then you will see reality.

historysock Wed 10-Jul-19 20:07:32

What PP have said.
I know you don't want to it be over but he seems to have pretty decisively said it is.
You MUST act now to protect yourself and your children financially because I can almost guarantee that he is acting to protect is own interests.

I'm sorry to say it but you are going to be a bit heartbroken either way-but it's better to be heartbroken with a secure income than heartbroken and broke.

I know that sounds harsh but I really don't want you to roll over and sleep walk in to being screwed over and that's what I fear might happen.

mumof2greatgirls Thu 11-Jul-19 09:53:20

Hi All. Thanks for all the replies. Dont know how to answer individually so I'll answer together.
He didnt ask me to leave. I left to stop the arguing in front of the children. I'm Think he's just given up and thats why he asked to seperate. As for money, hes never stopped me spending anything. He just hates paying solicitors. We ended up paying thousands holding onto our house so he would hate to see me spending more on them. I do believe he'll be fair with me. I still go shopping with our account and pay for day to day stuff. Theres only my mum and my sister. My sister knows everything and my mum gave me the money for the apartment.

mumof2greatgirls Thu 11-Jul-19 10:02:38

To Haffiana, I understand what you say. Yes, I am in shock. Maybe trauma. But I'm sure I love him. So many happy memories. Plenty of ups and as many downs. we're together over 20 years but the last 5 have seemed like constant battles. I dont walk on eggshells, thats the problem. I stopped being interested in his 'needs' as he calls them. He has tried and tried but I have no interest and we end up screaming at each other. I just dont see him that way anymore. Nor have I any interest. As for fear, yes, I do fear being on my own. Living these few years alone. I'm not sure I could start again with someone or even if i want to. And yes, I am hoping he'll call to me and ask me to come back. But it would have to be on my terms. I'm not sure he'll accept that. I'm seeing a councillor at the moment which is helping.

flyingplum Thu 11-Jul-19 10:49:29

By his 'needs' do you mean sexually?

mumof2greatgirls Thu 11-Jul-19 11:03:29

Yes, after my DD (6) I lost any interest in that. I tried for a could a few years but never really wanted or needed it. He, on the other hand, was always up for it. It was the cause of most arguments.
I think he just gave up. But I cant help it. I love him but just dont see him that way anymore

AcrossthePond55 Thu 11-Jul-19 14:45:25

Well, Love, he does have the right to want a 'full' marriage. That's not to say that you must 'put out' if you don't want to. No woman should have sex when she doesn't want it. And that does put the two of you at an impasse. TBH, in this situation it's more honourable for him to say he wants out than it would be to continue to pressure you or to start having affairs or using prostitutes. Have the two of you had marriage counseling? Do you think it's too late to suggest it?

Please don't rely on him to do the right thing. I've known absolutely lovely people (male and female) who have turned into real shits when it came to divorce and finances, usually because of outside influence such as friends, family, or 'something more'. I hate to say this, but it is entirely possible that he will (or has) met someone else. Not that he's necessarily having an affair but his attraction to someone may be a reason why he's made the decision that he's done.

And don't bow to his belief in not paying for legal advice. You no longer have to take what he wants into consideration. You do what is right for you. If you want to hide it, ask your mum to lend you the money. If she was willing to pay for your apartment, I'm sure she'd be willing to pay for a solicitor to enable you to keep it.

mumof2greatgirls Fri 12-Jul-19 17:23:15

Thats what killing me. The actual thought that he may find (or have found) someone else. I did think he might be chatting to someone but that turned out to be another issue that I couldn't reconcile in my head. He was totally honest and upfront and I believe him.
I'm having counselling but he refuses, point blank. I've had sessions and all I've done is cry. I don't know what I'm achieving actually. My DD's keep asking @When are we going Home?'. I dont have any answers.. And yes, I know my mum would pay for a solicitor but it seems to me to be a betrayal in a way. She doesn't deserve to be paying for me out of her pension. She thinks I should 'Sort' Things out with H. Shes a bit oldschool like that. On my wedding day she told me to 'Look afrter H' If you know what I mean

AcrossthePond55 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:59:18

A betrayal of whom? Him? Do you seriously think he won't seek legal advice if things progress to divorce? Of course he will. And he'll be more than glad to pay for it if he thinks it's to his advantage. You are betraying NO ONE by seeking information. You will be betraying yourself if you don't!

Yes, Mums can be old fashioned. My mum was shocked when I filed for divorce because 'marriage is forever'. But she was supportive even if she didn't agree at first. But my case was different, I instigated the divorce because my ex was abusive and announced (after we had been married a few years) that he never wanted children. But my point is, once your mum understands that your husband doesn't want to 'sort things out', she'll come round. And you don't have to explain that one of the issues is that you aren't 'taking care' of him. That's none of her business and an idea that went out (or should have ) with the bustle!!!

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I had more than a few session way back when where all I did was cry, too. That's fine, because that means you are in a supportive environment when you're there. What you want to aim to achieve is acceptance. Acceptance of who you are. Acceptance of what you are due as a person. Acceptance of what he wants, because if he won't at least try counseling it sounds very much to me as if his mind is made up.

You cannot change his mind. There are no magic words that will make him say "Oh what a fool I've been". (I've been there and done that. It doesn't ever work) Right now the important thing is to seek help (legal and emotional), to find acceptance of his decision, and to behave with dignity and grace.

So, now, no crying in front of him. No begging for chances or changes. Dignity and grace. And a good dose of self interest. You will be so glad you did.

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