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Do you see watching porn as cheating?

(219 Posts)
jonesy22 Tue 09-Jul-19 21:46:57

My DM has caught my stepdad watching porn. She is so hurt and doesn't know if she can look at him in the same way because she sees this as cheating.

I do understand where she is coming from but at the same time I feel a lot of men watch porn. (Women too!)

What do you think? I'm trying to console her but I don't really know what to say!

NameChangeNugget Wed 10-Jul-19 07:18:14

Cheating?? hmm

FermatsTheorem Wed 10-Jul-19 07:22:34

I don't think of it as cheating.

However, knowing how exploitative the industry is, and that some porn is in fact filmed rape (and the viewer, at the point of consumption, cannot tell), I would consider it a deal breaker.

Furthermore, much of it is deeply misogynistic (choking, coming on women's faces, simulated rape, "barely legal" barf) and I wouldn't want to be with a man who thought of women that way.

Windmillwhirl Wed 10-Jul-19 07:41:46

No, definitely not.

Windmillwhirl Wed 10-Jul-19 07:46:45

The fact that some women "consent" to be used in this way is meaningless as their "consent" has come after years of being groomed by endemically sexist culture to believe that is all they are worth.

Bit of a generalisation there speaking on behalf of all women in porn.

Most women are aware there are other ways to make money.

NeatFreakMama Wed 10-Jul-19 07:47:54

Not cheating no.

ShatnersWig Wed 10-Jul-19 08:28:38

Of course it's not cheating, that's a bizarre response.

You can loathe porn and it be a dealbreaker if you partner watches it knowing you have a problem with the industry. But it's not cheating.

Ellabella989 Wed 10-Jul-19 08:33:37

It’s definitely not cheating!
I wouldn’t like it if my DP watched porn very regularly but I couldn’t care less if it’s now and again

MissPollyHadADolly19 Wed 10-Jul-19 08:36:31

I see it as cheating.
He's mentally having sex with another woman.
Also porn is disgusting and portrays women as sexual objects which leads to less satisfaction in real life sex.

raspberryk Wed 10-Jul-19 08:51:01

@FermatsTheorem - I agree with you when it comes to the rape and barely legal stuff, however choking and coming on womens faces (and actually the former two but much more niche) are regularly practiced by consensual adults leading normal sex lives... aren't they?!

And yes many men and women watch porn regularly and yes many of their partners are totally fine with that.

FermatsTheorem Wed 10-Jul-19 09:08:56

I'm an old gimmer raspberry - choking (which incidentally I know many BDSM enthusiasts who won't go near it because the risk of getting it wrong and ending up dead/killing your partner is too great - it's actually an extremely dangerous practice) and coming on people's faces were not a part of normal sex when I was younger (in fact, the first - and only - time a man ever came in my face I assumed he'd done it by accident and laughed at him).

They have become normalised in the last 20 years, I'd say - strangely enough at about the same time internet porn really took off. Now of course lots of people assure me that's just a coincidence... Not buying it. A practice which hardly anyone did (because even back in the dim and distant mists of the past in the 1980s, we did compare notes about our sex lives) has now become mainstream.

For me, choking is just such a dangerous practice I can't see why anyone would do it.

And both choking and coming on a woman's face are about the man displaying dominance and the woman being placed in a submissive position, both of which I find stomach churning as a concept. In getting on for four decades of being sexually active, I've had quite a lot of partners, a lot of fun and varied sex, lots of orgasms, and never felt the need to engage in practices which were dangerous or which I found demeaning.

sandy541 Wed 10-Jul-19 09:19:15

About six months ago I noticed that my dh had become distant inside and out of the bedroom. I came to the conclusion he was having an affair, odd behaviour around the phone and table ect. I eventually plucked up the courage to confront him, I got over emotional and did not handle it very well. He said he had been looking at porn, no cheating. The last six months have been hell, it's not really the porn use itself, although I am uneasy with the ethical side of it, it's the secrecy any subsequent lack of trust. Our sex lives had dwindled done to virtually nothing, just thought it was a natural thing in a long relationship. the thought that he prefered porn to me has knocked my self confidence for six. I am surprised at how badly this has effected me, he says he just thought I didn't want him any more. As someone mentioned earlier, the attitudes to porn is very different in older people, I had no idea how readily available it is. The idea that it's ok because it's not cheating does not help at all. I feel very sorry for your mum and emphasize totally . The only advice i can give is to say to her to look at the other areas of they life together, are they happy other wise. Coming to terms with it is not easy i wish her luck.

username5789954 Wed 10-Jul-19 09:21:46

No I don't. Do agree it could be a generational thing as I know my mother would. I was unfortunate enough to come across my fathers 'porn stash' once confused I just hope my mother never finds out shock

zippey Wed 10-Jul-19 09:37:28

Watching porn is participation in rape culture as much as buying clothes in high street shops participation in people exploitation, or eating meat and dairy participation in animal cruelty.

There’s a good argument that all of the above are true but people generally don’t care and only care about satisfying their needs (eating meat, buying clothes, getting off).

Humans are a selfish lot. We also tend to be outraged about one thing (porn) while being not caring about other atrocities (animal suffering)

raspberryk Wed 10-Jul-19 09:43:59

I guess it depends on the level of "choking", since it's not really choking at all if done correctly. And just so you know it's not all about men being dominant over women, it's practised the other way too. As well as for example women "sitting" on their other partners faces. If you find something demeaning fine don't do it, but it doesn't mean everyone thinks the same way about it. Ok so some of it may not be mainstream exactly but I think that the readily available info on any subject due to the internet and of course the anonymity of forums and such means that people are a lot more aware of what goes on outside their own circle. Not 100% porn has that much of a direct impact it's probably a combination of stuff.
Let's face it people aren't honest with their friends, read some statistics regarding anal sex a while back and something like twice as many couples report to practice anal regularly in anonymous surveys in comparison to how many would tell their friends.

ImMeantToBeWorking Wed 10-Jul-19 09:46:08

I see it as cheating. Also most porn involves violence against women.

No it does not. I have yet to watch a porn video that has violence against women in it.

No I would not see it as cheating. DP works away during the week and I have too keep myself entertained sometimes. He is starting a new job where he will be be home every evening next Monday so my use of porn will diminish then.

Tyrotoxicity Wed 10-Jul-19 09:52:15

OP if I were you I would talk to her and try to open up the "cheating" label to see what she's really feeling.

I think a lot of people go for the "it feels like cheating" phrasing to describe their feelings about a partner watching porn, because we don't really have the words to understand and talk about why it feels so discombobulating and distressing for us. But when we use this 'it's cheating' narrative to talk to other people about our feelings, everyone gets stuck in the story and argues over whether the behaviour constitutes cheating on you or not - which obscures the real issue.

The real issue is: DM feels really uncomfortable about her partner's sexual behaviour. She understands on some level that it's wrong, but she hasn't got the words to say it in ways that he will accept and act on. So help her find the words.

Personally, I wouldn't call it "cheating". I'd call it completely unethical on multiple levels, and a partner who wasn't willing to engage with me on this one would be showing his true colours and cast out accordingly.

Zenithbear Wed 10-Jul-19 09:59:13

No definitely not cheating

RubberTreePlant1 Wed 10-Jul-19 10:33:44

And both choking and coming on a woman's face are about the man displaying dominance and the woman being placed in a submissive position, both of which I find stomach churning as a concept

You’re entitled to your own sexual preferences, Fermat. But they’re not really relevant here are they? Whether you find being choked and ejaculated on stomach churning or arousing is kinda by the by; many women do find submission in a sexual relationship arousing and appealing and willingly, enthusiastically consent to their partner doing so. You don’t speak for all women.

And as an aside, many men enjoy being dominated by their female partners doing things like face sitting, which isn’t any less of a display of dominance and power.

FleurNancy Wed 10-Jul-19 10:52:43

Absolutely not.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop Wed 10-Jul-19 11:19:05

Not cheating at all.

If it was pneumatic-boobed trout pouters and clearly misogynistic or exploitative, I'd think less of the person, though.

codenameduchess Wed 10-Jul-19 12:58:25

* And both choking and coming on a woman's face are about the man displaying dominance and the woman being placed in a submissive position, both of which I find stomach churning as a concept*

That's your opinion, there are so many variations when it comes to sexual tastes you can't generalise. Not everyone likes anal, they may even find it 'stomach churning', but that doesn't mean it's wrong or stop others enjoying it. Many men enjoy submission and being dominated by their partners just as women are free to choose a submissive role. When done with care (and consent) choking can be enjoyable and is practised by many.

Reputable porn is monitored and has rules, the actors are protected, regularly tested, paid and have chosen that line of work. The moral aspect is down to the individual and how much they want to research the background/distribution etc of the porn they choose, the same buying chicken or eggs from caged hens vs free range.

StephanieSJW Wed 10-Jul-19 13:03:41

Yes it absolutely is cheating. This vile man is fantasizing about sex with other women (and God knows who/what else).

Cath2907 Wed 10-Jul-19 13:14:13

I was happy with my husband watching porn. We even watched some together. It's not an issue for me.

StephanieSJW Wed 10-Jul-19 13:18:29

was happy?
Why do you use the past tense?

Aquilla Wed 10-Jul-19 13:19:22

Not at all.

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