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Do you see watching porn as cheating?

(219 Posts)
jonesy22 Tue 09-Jul-19 21:46:57

My DM has caught my stepdad watching porn. She is so hurt and doesn't know if she can look at him in the same way because she sees this as cheating.

I do understand where she is coming from but at the same time I feel a lot of men watch porn. (Women too!)

What do you think? I'm trying to console her but I don't really know what to say!

BunnyKelly Tue 09-Jul-19 22:12:01

No

Jesus.

hadthesnip2 Tue 09-Jul-19 22:18:57

No.....definitely not. in fact if tge opposite. It can stop cheating by giving the viewer a release.

Also porn, in one guise or another, has been around for decades. In the early 1920's & 30's it was dirty photos. In the 70's & 80's it was "girly" magazines. Then came the VCR and then DVd's......now its on the internet.

Obviously some people don't like it. That's their choice. They may not like their partner watching it.......but its not cheating.

Winterlife Tue 09-Jul-19 22:25:38

No, I would not view it as cheating. My husband has no interest in porn, but if he did watch it, I wouldn’t be upset. As long as he’s “eating” at home, I don’t care where he gains his appetite.

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent Tue 09-Jul-19 22:42:30

I do not view it as cheating.
But I do view it as sleazy.
Not sure if that helps!

raspberryk Tue 09-Jul-19 22:47:16

No it isn't, I don't have a problem with it unless it causes problems as mentioned above re impotence, disgusting content, etc

PositiveVibez Tue 09-Jul-19 22:47:37

I wouldn't view it as cheating, but it would open my eyes to the fact that the man I was with, thought that women were just there for his objectification and sexual gratification.

This would turn my stomach. Especially as we have a daughter and I don't think I could look at him in the same way.

MrsMiggins37 Tue 09-Jul-19 22:49:09

I might not like it but it’s not cheating

Anothernick Tue 09-Jul-19 22:49:58

I'd guess pretty much every man in the country has watched porn at some time and many do it regularly. As someone said earlier, there has always been porn and there always will be. I think I read somewhere that 25% of all internet searches are for porn - might have got that number wrong but you get the general idea. There are millions and millions of people out there watching it and many of them are in stable relationships. So as long as there are no other problems in your DMs relationship then I think she should not be worried by his porn use. It's certainly not cheating, it's way over the top to see it like that.

Chloe9 Tue 09-Jul-19 22:50:49

I don't think it is no
Sounds like he's breached her trust though, regardless

AloneLonelyLoner Tue 09-Jul-19 22:56:33

It really isn't cheating in my view.

Also there is good porn out there. I have watched some great (non-abusive, non-degrading) porn with my partner.

I understand that she feels let down and you must support her as it is about her, and her feelings. I would've felt the same when I was much younger and less confident. I think if you're confident in yourself, in your relationship and in your own needs then porn is neither here nor there.

LittleDoll Tue 09-Jul-19 23:24:04

I dont really think who sees what as cheating matters.

The fact is it's been hidden, her feelings havent been considered at all and hes probably also lied to her for years about his feelings towards porn aswell as obviously claiming not to use it.

That's awful for her regardless of what it's about or who considers it cheating. He needs to understand why she is hurt though.

TooManyPuppies Tue 09-Jul-19 23:26:04

Surely no one would be fine with their SO watching porn on a regular basis though?

I wouldn't be fine with it being done in secret if it wasn't something we had decided was ok. But the title was "Do you see watching porn as cheating?" and my simple answer to that is: No.

madeofstarlight Tue 09-Jul-19 23:36:27

No I don't see it as cheating. As long as it's not anything illegal or taking away from our sex life, i really don't think it's my business how my partner masturbates.

NeverSayFreelance Tue 09-Jul-19 23:39:42

Its not cheating, no. But I think you should have a conversation with your DP about it beforehand. DP and I both watch porn and we are open about it which stops anyone feeling hurt.

Ultimately everyone has different opinions about porn and your mum can't help being hurt by this. They'll need to have a long talk and sort it.

happybunny007 Tue 09-Jul-19 23:39:52

No

Meowington Tue 09-Jul-19 23:42:12

Absolutely not cheating in my opinion.

Exploitation issue aside which I know some people are concerned about, there is absolutely no physical contact. It’s a means to and end, it meets an almost clinical need. Then the website is closed and people move on with their lives.

It baffles me that people feel insecure about it!

Snoopertrooper Tue 09-Jul-19 23:58:30

Not cheating

RubberTreePlant1 Wed 10-Jul-19 03:46:46

Surely no one would be fine with their SO watching porn on a regular basis though?

Huh? Why do you think that?

OH watches porn, so do I, don’t have an exact number of how many times per week he watches it as what he does with his own body is his business alone and personal unless he wants to share (which we sometimes do, sometimes don’t), he has a very high libido and for various reasons I’m not interested right now and can’t have sex so I’m happy he’s still meeting that need on his own. It’s probably near-daily atm given our sex ban 😂 doesn’t bother me at all. Would only be an issue if he preferred porn to me but that’s not the case so hope he cracks on and enjoys it. It’s a means to an end/masturbatory aid.

Sobeyondthehills Wed 10-Jul-19 03:50:54

I don't consider it cheating.

However, I wouldn't be happy.

Also on a different note, I consider porn addiction the same as any addiction, its fine to have a drink once a week (for example) but once you start watching the clock till you can start drinking you have a problem. Same with porn, if you are looking and trying to find that time alone to have a look then it is a problem

1forAll74 Wed 10-Jul-19 04:05:14

It's not cheating watching porn.Your mother is shocked about her partner watching it , especially as it was secret,until found out. I guess the only thing to happen,is that she can or can't accept this, and make her own mind up for what to do about her hurt feelings now.

StarlightLady Wed 10-Jul-19 06:17:41

No!

timeforakinderworld Wed 10-Jul-19 06:29:09

No, not cheating but I wouldn't accept it in a relationship because of the damage it can cause (and yes I know you can get "ethical " porn but I still think it feeds the industry). Wouldn't accept someone who uses drugs for the same reason.

TheVanguardSix Wed 10-Jul-19 06:43:51

It feels like cheating to me.
And it shouldn't have to be accepted. Your mum feels undermined and devalued. She doesn't have to tolerate porn in their relationship.
There's either room for it in a relationship or there isn't. And your mother shouldn't be pressured into making room for something that doesn't sit well with her.

HigaDequasLuoff Wed 10-Jul-19 07:05:29

I don't see it as 'cheating' - it is a lot worse than that.

It is participation in rape culture, violence against women, objectification of the female body, sexism, trafficking and grooming.

The fact that lots of men do it is no excuse. Every woman who stays with a man who uses porn is choosing to uphold and support patriarchal objectification of women. Every man who uses porn is part of the problem. Sexism will never be a thing of the past until men start rejecting this sickening stuff. They are wanking to images of another human being being treated as a thing to be used.

The fact that some women "consent" to be used in this way is meaningless as their "consent" has come after years of being groomed by endemically sexist culture to believe that is all they are worth.

FookMeFookYou Wed 10-Jul-19 07:12:09

It depends on whether she feels he is watching it/using it in place of spending intimate time with her... that though isn't a conversation I'd want to be having in any depth with my mum.

I don't see it as cheating but it can have a great impact on relationships

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