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Trust issue - falsely accused of lying by DP

(203 Posts)
MrsGBlythe Tue 09-Jul-19 12:24:00

Need some advice on how to deal with this!

My DP and I live separately - a couple of hours apart - so don't see each other in the week but spend most weekends together. Last night I went out with my best friend for a meal and a rare child-free catch up (she has children, I don't). I said to DP I'd call him when I got home, which I did at about 10pm. He didn't answer, I didn't think too much of it, thinking he's probably fallen asleep in front of the tv or gone to bed already, and so I just went to bed thinking I'd catch up with him today.

At 6am this morning I got a text from him saying "did you get home ok last night?". I just replied saying "yes thanks" and a smiley emoji. He then followed up with "why didn't you call me?!". I said that I did but got no answer so went to bed. He's now livid at me as he says he had no missed calls and doesn't believe me. Despite me sending him a screenshot of the call log and telling him repeatedly that I did call him and have no reason to lie, he is still standing firm and not backing down, saying I'm lying and that I'm good with technology so could easily have "doctored" the log somehow?!

I phoned him and said I am very disappointed as I feel I've never done anything to warrant this amount of mistrust in me. He had admitted in one of his texts that he didn't want to be "treated like this again" (an ex did the dirty on him apparently but I don't know the details and haven't asked). I told him it was very unfair of him to judge me according to how he's been treated in the past.

He won't even discuss it - just says "sorry but I don't believe you".

How do I handle this?!!! Part of me says he won't change and this will only become more of an issue, but part of me also knows how it feels to be have been treated badly in the past and overreact to situations sometimes. I told him we need to get to the bottom of why he's feeling this way so we can move forward but he's adamant that I'm lying. Apparently my "responses were weirdly calm" too - yes, because I was quite shocked and trying to stay calm so it didn't escalate as I knew I'd done nothing wrong!!

OhEliza Tue 09-Jul-19 12:26:45

He sounds an absolute twat and - frankly - slightly scary.

I wouldn't hang around.

MrsGBlythe Tue 09-Jul-19 12:29:02

He just keeps saying "why is it that every other call you've made appears on my phone but not this one, something doesn't add up". How do I convince him?! I've told him I'm not saying any more about it and I've given him the evidence that I did call, so I can't do any more!

Hirsutefirs Tue 09-Jul-19 12:29:10

He’s a loser. Lose him.

BillywilliamV Tue 09-Jul-19 12:30:53

He’s a fruit loop, run for the hills!

Plipplopbop Tue 09-Jul-19 12:32:35

What they said

Windmillwhirl Tue 09-Jul-19 12:36:14

Christ, he doesn't own you. How dare he speak to you like that.

His issues are not yours. So what if he was cheated on. He's projecting that on you.

I'd tell him to grow up or never contact you again. Actually, this would probably be quits for me. He's way too controlling.

LilouBlue Tue 09-Jul-19 12:36:36

He's a knob. He wants you on the back foot so he has the upper hand.
(Just realised how very anatomical that paragraph was!)

It has actually happened to me before, I had a voicemail so the person obviously called me, but there was no missed call in my log. Just one of those things. But the fact he won't accept this is proof he doesn't trust you. It's a shame he had problems in his previous relationship, but unless you have given him any reason not to trust you, this just isn't good enough.

Alloftit Tue 09-Jul-19 12:37:37

Get rid of him, bloody weirdo. He won’t make your life better.

Rosemary46 Tue 09-Jul-19 12:38:32

He’s nuts, end it.

And do it decisively, he’s the kind that will stalk you.

Brendab22 Tue 09-Jul-19 12:38:43

Can you show him your pending calls log from your network provider? He's out of order for not trusting you, although unfortunately being cheating on previously does make most people very paranoid.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 09-Jul-19 12:39:31

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

How did you meet this person, online I suppose given the distance.
You already have physical distance, now put proper mental distance between you and he as well. This so called relationship is well and truly over due to his behaviours. You can and should today send him a text telling him that this is no longer working for you and that you wish him well in future.

You know already what it is like to be badly treated. How were you treated badly in the past (by him or other men). Is this from him now a continuation of the same bad treatment and overreacting verging on paranoia?.

Honestly the man sounds paranoid and you could become further trapped in a web of his own making here. You cannot reason with paranoid and crazy and you need to listen to the part of you that says he will not change. You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship either and you should not try to be either.

gamerchick Tue 09-Jul-19 12:41:31

Tell him to get back to you when he's grown up a bit and leave him to get on with it.

Stop pandering, it just feeds the beast.

FetchezLaVache Tue 09-Jul-19 12:41:45

LTB. My guess is that you've been together for not that long but long enough for him to feel secure of you, and he's ramping up the control to see how far he gets with conventional tactics.

MaudebeGonne Tue 09-Jul-19 12:43:12

I think I would be knocking that on the head. Couldn't cope with that level of mistrust and someone who was so convinced of their own rightness. At least you found out now.

cstaff Tue 09-Jul-19 12:44:02

Jeez he may have issues from previous relationships but that does not give him the right to take it out on you. You know what to do....

Magenta82 Tue 09-Jul-19 12:45:55

Run, far away!
I know you probably love him etc. but he is treating you very badly and a weekend relationship is not worth this kind of stress and upset.
I'm saying this as someone who went through it, stayed and wasted years that I could have spent being far happier.

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 09-Jul-19 12:46:07

How about he was out cheating and is twisting his guilt back on you

Ask him where he was, tell him you don't trust him

Ide not bother and get someone closer who's not a dickhead

BlackCatSleeping Tue 09-Jul-19 12:46:18

I bet his Ex didn’t cheat either. He sounds like an arse. Dump him!

InTheHeatofLisbon Tue 09-Jul-19 12:49:32

Well he's really showing you who he is isn't he?

A barrage of abuse, mistrust and accusations because his phone has a glitch?

Fuck that. You deserve better than him and I think he knows it too.

Bluntness100 Tue 09-Jul-19 12:50:15

Why do you even need to ask? His problems are his problems. Why are you letting him treatyou like this and making them your problems.

End it, and tell him to let you know when he feels able to enter a mature relationship.

MrsGBlythe Tue 09-Jul-19 12:58:41

Just composing a "to the point" message to him to make my thoughts loud and clear!

Orangeyougladitsme Tue 09-Jul-19 13:00:41

Do not let this go on. Please. He's going mad because of a phone glitch. Even if you didn't phone him YOU ARE NOT OBLIGED TO INFORM ANOTHER ADULT ABOUT YOUR COMINGS AND GOINGS ANYWAY!

For what it's worth, DH's phone would only receive certain texts and he would get them days later in a random order. His missed calls only showed up sometimes if he was lucky. It was an iPhone glitch and because he never bloody updated his damn phone it was like that for about a year.

The only response to this should be "Oh fuck off then".
You should not have to pay for an ex's infidelity. You're lucky you aren't living together. It's nice and easy to sort out.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 09-Jul-19 13:06:28

Why try and convince him?
He's shown you he doesn't trust you.
He's shown you he thinks you are lying.
It may well be projection. Judging you by his own standards!
Tell him to get to fuck.
Be done with him.
Can you imagine this reaction every time you go out?
He is basically punishing you for going out.
That's controlling and abusive.
He needs to sort himself out before you even consider seeing him again.
Oh and don't think he won't keep bringing it up.
He will. It will be big stick he can continually beat you with.
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Toooldtocareanymore Tue 09-Jul-19 13:08:45

honestly id be saying I've thought about this now and remained calm, but I do not want to see you this weekend, or talk any further on this topic until I have a full apology for your repeated statements that I am lying, not only lying that I have fabricated evidence of a call that I didn't have to make. Then I would give him a good few days space.

Then think what you want to do.

You're making excuses for him, ok maybe an overreaction was excusable in first call when he was saying he didn't believe you- when he should have. I mean why say you called if you hadn't, but to continue, you are never going to win this one, he needs to know when he is wrong to shut up and never call you a liar. to imply you will go to any lengths to fool him is in my opinion actually a reflection of what he will do, did he show you his phone log?

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