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Lost all hope. My marriage is fading fast

(14 Posts)
IsAllHopeLost Fri 27-Jul-07 15:31:50

been with DH for quite a while now. He was my first love. I wasn't his. I always felt like I had a lot to live up to as he was with his ex for a long time. I actually look quite a bit like her which is scarey. When we got together, a few months into the relationship he did have a one night thing with one of my friends. Anyway, I forgave him and told him if he ever did it again I would pack his bags for him. Move forward a number of years and a few kids and 3 miscarriages later as well as a lot of other problems. I think that my marriage is over. If I am honest, it probably has been for a while. I told DH a while ago that I no longer felt the same as I used to and that i don't love him anymore. I was diangnosed with depression which i am now on treatment for. DH said that he still loved me and wanted to be with me. He pushed and pushed and tried to make put that there was nothing wrong, then all of a sudden one day, bang, nothing. He doesn't come anywhere near me, barely talks to me. We don't spend any time together. He sits on one side of the lounge and I sit on the other. I knew he was coming home for lunch today so I cooked a chicken dinner in the hope that later on we might be able to spend some time with the children as a family and maybe just go out and get some chips or something. He sat at the table and barely said a word, half ate his dinner and went back off to work without so much as a thank you or even seeming as though he want's to be here. He barely texts me anymore, yet he is still putting plenty of credit on his phone so I dread to think what he is doing with it. We haven't had sex for nearly a year. I just don't want to (with him or anyone else for that matter) and I think he has given up. When we go to bed, he turns his back on me and goes to sleep. Even our feet don't touch all night. No such thing as a cuddle either. It is probably my fault for not sleeping with him. Either he has realised he doesn't love me after all or he is just putting up with me. I have tried talking to him. He just always says 'of course i still love you/want to be here' and thats it. But nothing ever changes. I don't think that it ever will. But I am scared of being my own and having to manage the kids on my own, especially when I get ill, I would have nobody near to help. We are in a better financial position than we have ever been in before, but I we could not afford to go to any kind of counselling or anything. I don't think there would be any point. I am fed up of the trudge. Fed up of having to do all of his washing and cleaning up after him for no thanks or anything. Yet sometimes, he will go mad and do a lot of tidying up etc, but its just like he is trying to prove that he doesn't need me. I'm sorry, this is a hell of a rant, it probably doesnt even make sense.

CountessDracula Fri 27-Jul-07 15:34:26

Goodness
ok
one thing that stands out
You don't know how to communicate
Relationship counselling will help with this, please don't think there would be no point to it.

Have you talked to him about how you feel recently?
Also I guess the depression doesn't help

CountessDracula Fri 27-Jul-07 15:34:59

and have you asked him why he is uncommunicative? What happens to all the credit on his phone? Why he doesn't text you.

NotQuiteCockney Fri 27-Jul-07 15:35:04

I know you say you can't afford counselling, but counselling is cheaper than a divorce, and I think relate does a sliding scale ...

It certainly sounds possible that he still cares for you, and is trying to show it (tidying up, coming home for lunch), but not in ways that work for you.

Are you telling him what you want and need?

IsAllHopeLost Fri 27-Jul-07 15:38:24

i dont know what happens to all the credit on his phone. i have asked him why he wont talk and he just says he is either tired or fed up but won't tell me what he is fed up of. he only came home for lunch because he overslept this morning and didnt have time to make his sandwiches or get any money from the bank to buy lunch out.

walbert Fri 27-Jul-07 15:41:48

Cheesy, but, if he won't communicate, have you tried leaving him a letter to read so he can realise your feelings by reading in his opwn time rather than walking away from you talking?

IsAllHopeLost Fri 27-Jul-07 17:21:02

sorry my inlaws turned up. i have written a diary and let him read it so i dont see the point of a letter as well.

NotQuiteCockney Fri 27-Jul-07 17:27:01

Hmmm, a diary you let him read isn't really the same thing, is it? I mean, in a diary, you'd rant and rave and say whatever you felt, without thinking about how it might make him feel, whereas hopefully in a letter you'd be more sensitive?

IsAllHopeLost Fri 27-Jul-07 17:43:34

i have just had a text from him. said 'i am going to be late home' and thats it.

IsAllHopeLost Fri 27-Jul-07 17:44:32

for a moment then i thought he was texting me for no reason other than being nice, maybe even ask how i am

tissy Fri 27-Jul-07 17:59:45

You really have to talk!

Properly!

You have already told him hat you don't love him, so why are you expecting him to behave as if nothing has happened all of a sudden? Perhaps something has happened, maybe he's found someone else, maybe he's having a rough time at work, but if you don't ask him, you'll go mad wondering.

I think you need to arrange for the children to be watched by someone else for a few hours, and have it out with him.

Tell him that you've noticed that something's wrong, and you want a frank discussion, so that you can between you sort things out.

loopylou6 Fri 27-Jul-07 18:29:07

SEVERE lack of communication going on here, u have told him u dont love him anymore and ur wondering why hes being off with u? im sorry babe the last thing i wanna do is sound hurtful to u but u must see how he feels and walk a mile in his boots, he has been told hes not loved anymore, yet now ur cooking dinners and wanting everything to be hunky dory, his must be so confused, u must discuss ur feelings with him and decide what u want, im so sorry if i have hurt ur feelings and i hope u work it out, tc xx

lou33 Fri 27-Jul-07 18:31:29

you both sound really depressed, and have to find a way of reopening your communication

hurtwife Sat 28-Jul-07 16:44:31

This could have been me a while ago (although i never said i didnt love him). My life was all trudge and boring and i could find no joy in anything. Some people call it depression and i have in the past been on ADs.

It sounds as if you are tired of life and not sure if there is anything else out there or not, too scared to go and find out but too fed-up to make the effort in this relationship.

Try and be kind to yourself and find something that does make you happy - even if it is only something small.

Dont expect miracles overnight but you do need to talk and be honest with each other.

Giving each other some time - say make a point of going out together even if it is only for a walk and try and remember what it was you both saw in each other.

I have had a terrible couple of years as my H had a long affair - we are putting lots of things into place now that are common sense but were too tired/stubborn to do. Dont be arraid of making the first move either as it will at least make you feel as if you are doing something positive at least.

Good luck and i hope things work out for the best. I have been to a wedding today where we all had to say out loud that we would help the couple in times of difficulty - it was lovely and i think we should all learn from it - life is hard sometimes, and we all need help too.

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