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Random musings on my life(49 Posts)
This will probably be long, but I'm so confused and I need to get it all out.
I'm about to turn 24 and my husband will turn 33 just before my birthday. We got married 4 years ago on Thursday.
I have a fantastic life: 2 horses, 2 cats, the giant rabbit I pined for (no euphemistic thoughts please!), a house with no mortgage which we are about to extend (which we don't need to borrow much to do as we have capital there) so we can have a child and maybe foster (which I want to do, not him as much), I had a brand new car last year which wasn't a biggy because it is so inexpensive to run that it leveled out cost wise with the running of my old Laguna. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, so he's just had a new vehicle as well and we've had a new horse trailer and are going to sell the horse lorry and old cars. If I need new clothes/shoes/essential jewellery/toiletries, he will initially nag about the expense in an 'if we don't spend it on that, we will have it to spend on this' kind of way, but I usually get all that stuff because he will take me to buy it after I have forgotten about it IYSWIM - my parents were apart and money was tight, whereas his have always been comfortably off because of money left in wills, big properties etc... So we have very different views as a result, in that I would rather enjoy the money we have than regret not spending it when I die; he would rather save like fucking squirrel nutkin saving nuts!
I am maybe giving the wrong impression. I like to save - for holidays (which we have some really lovely ones in the UK but he will not travel abroad, although we are going with mum this year), for days away, for children, xmas, allsorts. But I also think 'sod it', I work 60 hours a week and am about to embark on my career as a teacher; he works his fingers to the bone and is fantastically talented craftsman. We both earn less-than-paltry salaries and have money saved, no mortgage etc, so if we see something we really like and still want it a week later, I see no harm getting it if we can save the money somewhere else. Anyway, back to the point... Told you it would be long!
The very first time I spoke to him he had romantic thoughts about me, but I can remember thinking what a whiney voice he had... not whiney but not very manly! Then I remember the clothes he was wearing which made him look like he was a mix of 'old before my time' and 'couldn't be arsed to make an effort'. He wore glasses that wouldn't have looked out of place in the early 90s, but in 2002 looked a bit weird as they covered almost half his face (because he said he didn't see the point changing them at such a cost!!!!). His hair was a mess as he refused to pay to get it cut very often and used the cheapest of cheap shampoos. He used to complain about the way his mum eats (she has had a massive stroke), and I really don't like eating noises so I told him he was being a bit rich considering every time he eats I expect half of it to come spilling on out! So he changed that and eats really nicely now, apart from the odd time I find him eating his meal with a spoon or from a saucepan (he says he can't be bothered to wash so many things up so saves on washing up!). He has always had the tendency to go on and on like an old lady (most of his life spent with two old ladies - his mum and gran), and also takes after his mum in that everyone else's grief and suffering has the tendency to become HIS (she goes to funerals of people she only knows through friends of friends lol - it's THAT kind of faux grief!).. he isn't that bad, but he will pull these faces and maybe shed a tear if something happens to someone else. Some may say that is nice as he is empathetc; I am empathetic but within my own world as I see no point walking round miserable and taking on other people's woes would surely do that to me! Right, so then he proposed to me but the way he proposed to me made me want to pmsl! He went back to his parents to get something and I thought 'ring, brooch...', but when he came back he had this china doll dressed as a bride which he had kept at home til he met someone, and handed it to me. She was really ugly and I just thought 'what a wet thing to do'. He did buy me a lovely ring but there was an upper spending limit lol. Actually, our first kiss was also awful. He kissed like a fish! Reading this, I am wondering why I said yes. But I have to say some things...
After we met and discussed why I wasn't attracted to him, he changed his glasses and even tried contacts for a while, which he couldn't bear so fair enough - he tried at least. He bought new clothes - not too trendy, just normal, contemporary clothes and a better pair of shoes (not the old man shoes he was wearing), and after 5 years I have just managed to convince him to change his workout shoes! He changed the way he ate (apart from eating with spoons and saucepans!); he changed the deodorant he used (from manky, rank smelling Sainsbury's own, to Sure), because I hated the smell of the one he used; he even bought a nasal hair trimmer!!!!! He bought a set of hair clippers, thinking that kind of haircut would look attractive, but later started going to the hairdressers to have nice, trendy cuts! I even taught him how to kiss nicely (or how I like to be kissed), although he still doesn't have it even 80%! I started to find him attractive and that together with the fact we had always got on, made a recipe for a relationship.
He was the first and only person I had told I had been raped a year before I met him; I told him things I just didn't tell other people and felt 100% comfortable in my own skin when with him. Gosh, I even walked round the house naked in front of him!!!!! I did miss my family when I moved 150 miles away from them to be with him (even though i didn't have the best homelife), but that soon wore off when I found full time work for my year out before uni, met some of his friends and started meeting new people, got another horse to concentrate on. Then he told me about his financial situation about 4 or 5 months after we met and I realised that for the first time in my life, I was happy, content, safe, looked after, would never really need for any material things... little did I know how tight he can be!
We were initially at it like rabbits, but I wasn't working and he was (I had just finished A levels), so he got tired before me so it just dwindled into a 'regular' sexlife. We even bought the kama sutra and became particularly fond of one position!!! But I wouldn't say there had ever been any butterflies, fireworks or spark there. I enjoyed the sex and loved being with him, but I have never found him a huge turn-on or anything. Preparing for the wedding was stressful for one reason or another, and our sex dwindled until at the time of the wedding it was very irregular, and we didn't have sex on our wedding night, but it was partly the way I was feeling about myself and sex at the time. In January 2004 - a few months after the wedding - my granddad died and my world turned upside down, and I started contemplating life more seriously and in a more mature way... whether I was happy and how I got to this position. We were probably having sex about once a month at this point and then in August 2005 I was taken seriously ill with a physical illness which then left me listless when I was better and led into a severe bout of mental illness linked to that and things from childhood. So I came off huge doses of antibiotics and straight onto huge doses of antidepressants (lots of different ones), had social worker, CAT therapist, CPN, crisis team, time on a ward. I'd become withdrawn and suicidal and harming myself, stayed in the house, could get violent - not towards anyone, just in general. So from August 2005 to May this year, I'd always been 'ill' and always been on these tablets. So in September 2005 we had sex when away, but from then until June this year there was nothing and that was even hard for me, the person who didn't want it! It was like I wanted it but not with him. I stopped taking the tablets and stopped being so tired and non-plussed. We had sex again in June and then again a few weeks later, but I am now back in a position of contemplating my life and how, at 24, I want it to proceed. My head is clear and I have my new life ahead, but I have so much to consider.
He never forgets a birthday, anniversary etc. He takes us to lovely places for anniversaries sometimes, and we go away on nice UK holidays, sometimes to France (where we honeymooned), we are NT members and enjoy going to those places, and we occasionally go to the cinema or the pub or an Italian. We get on as friends really well and I like my life - financial security, feeling safe, my horses etc..He bought me flowers when we first met, but since then it has only been for birthdays and stuff, and it is never spontaneous, never any lingerie or little bits of jewellery, never surprises me with a meal out, never just opens a bottle of wine and says sod it to the world. Then the other day I saw his school leavers book and realised that he was one of those people (which I did know deep down), that everyone else laughs at and sniggers about. This doesn't essentially bother me because that is their baggage, not his, but it did highlight some issues in my own head about me not finding him uber attractive and not being turned on by him, not thinking of him as what I would consider a 'real man'.
My thoughts scare me, because I can hardly bear him to kiss me as it leaves me grossed out and he always wants it to lead somewhere else. Having sex with him leaves me feeling sick and thinking how mechanical it all is - wham bam thank you mam and then roll over and off to sleep. He doesn't offer cuddles much anymore as he says he has to switch off from thoughts about sex, but if he does then it always has to be about something else. We bicker about silly things a lot; we can go a week without any arguments and then we'll be bickering for weeks on end, I think because of resentment, maybe on my part. At 24 do I really want to consider a life of no sex because I can't stand it with him. I don't know if I am off sex or off him, because the thought of it with someone else in my fantasies, does kind of turn me on and I am still a sexual person. Can I face no affection or physical intimacies for the rest of my life? The sex has never been earth shattering and I had to teach him a few things, but the thought of oral sex on him or anything like that, makes me want to gag!
He is a lovely man and I can't think of anyone I would rather have children with, rather be friends with, rather share things with. But I find the whole issue of fancying him and not wanting sex with him that much, really worrying. Is it because I was raped in 2001 that I am off sex? (Wouldn't I, in that case, be off all sex, not just with him?). Have I come to resent him because he treats me like a child, giving me £10 a week to spend as I wish, he doesn't surprise me with things...? Have the tough times we have been through with me being ill, switched any of those feelings towards him off, because he had to be a different kind of rock when I was ill?
I'm just so confused. I don't want a life with no physical contact or affection, but I can't see myself wanting it from him. I just can't get past these thoughts about him. But another man has shown interest, and although I haven't done anything as I know it is wrong, I am sorely tempted and find him amazingly sexy - he's intelligent and talks about the things I like to talk about like politics and things my OH finds boring; he keeps fit and in good shape and he's funny and sexy. I find myself increasingly turned on by him, but know I could never do anything with him as he is married with children and I am married. I could not do that to two other adults and 4 children - not after the life I had because of similar. I just keep looking at flats to rent but then talk myself out of it and tell myself I made my bed and have to lie in it for the rest of eternity.
Am so confused and stuck. Just don't know what to do and really needed to let all this out.
Also wanted to say I have gained a lot of weight due to the illness and that also puts me off sex. Also I sound like such a bitch, sorry! I do know that the grass always seems greener because I don't have the boring grind with this other bloke - like bills, waking up early to do housework....
Would some sort of sex therapy or counselling help you?
Do you think there is any chance of ever getting the sexual relationship you desire with your partner? If the answer is no, then you seriously need to ask yourself if you can live with this man for the rest of your life without that spark you desire?
Is a companion, friend, good dad... enough to never have the sexual relationship you want?? If it is not you really have to find the strength to make the decision you need to make.
Please please stay clear of that married man though. There will be plenty of other men out there who you fancy and have things in common with.
Thanks baffy; I agree about the married man, and he does know how to string me along by ignoring me when he feels like it and then going all into me again. I just oouldn't go there. I did tell my husband the other day how I had been feeling good and proper, and he did get upset, which then upset me because I do love him. So I then backtracked and said that I think my head was mashed as I said some silly things
I don't think I can go without the sexual side of things, no. I do need to be with someone who I can be friends with and who will eventually be a good dad, when I choose to have them, but I also realise there are lots of lovely men out there who are just the same but will actually turn me on sexually. I just feel horrible at the prospect of hurting him, then being on my own and financial insecurity and the prospect of no one ever wanting me again.
It sounds like you were never attracted to him in the first place and by changing the way he dresses/eats you thought you could get by this.
Would you have went to this much effort if he did not have any money
Frankly I feel sorry for him.
As I said, he didn't tell me he had money until well into the relationship, and the reason I stayed was because of my homelife probably, and the fact I felt safe and non-judged for the first time.
I think you get a lot from your relationship, and you do love him, but without the sexual side it's not enough is it. I can understand that.
It's actually best for both of you if you can be really honest with him about it all. Even if you do split up it may be for the best. You're not completely fulfilled with him and in some ways he must pick up on that. You may be much happier with someone else. And by the sound of it maybe he will too.
(The married bloke sounds like an arse! Although I think you already know that! )
Also, the only way his money ever impacted on my life was lack of mortgage because he kept it all in stocks and shares. The things we buy are bought out of both our salaries because we earn well and have no mortgage or children. If he were a millionaire I could understand your thoughts, but he is far from it and it extends to having no mortgage and him having money tied in an investment.
By the way, I feel sorry for him, too; not because I am using him for money. I've not had the life that leads you to a place where you want to use someone for money. But because I feel I do want to be with him on so many levels and told him so much I had never told anyone else, moved out of home because of that situation and to feel safe with him, only for the physical side to dwindle.
Thanks, Baffy. I know what you are saying. When we have talked he has said he is really happy with everything apart from the lack of physical closeness, and I really don't know how I can change it. In my fantasies I don't see me as me. I see me as someone slimmer and more attractive, more fancyfree and someone who lets go more. So maybe it's other issues and not to do with fancying him.
I have to say I partly agree with Hoolagirl.
A marriage is something both of you have to work at. You can't fix things by buying new "toys" all the time.
Also, I didn't change the way he dresses or eats. He did that after I told him I wasn't attracted to him; I realised how much he liked me and how much I trusted him to have told him some of the things I had; I realised how close we were and we did have good sex to start with. I was attracted to him, maybe not in a physical sense initially.
I know all that you have written pretty much but am just working out how on earth to reply.
I don't think your with him for the right reasons.
You have a choice to make.
You can stay for the financial security, he would be a good father and is a good friend. Some people would be eternally grateful for even that.
You can be honest with yourself and him and tell him that you do not find him attractive and you need to be with someone whom you have a spark with.
You need to weigh it up and decide what your going to do.
Have you even spoken to him about being more spontenious (sp)?, its sounds like you are bored with him, if he knew this then he's got a fighting chance of doing something about it. After all, he made a huge effort before to change his appearance.
Sorry, this is a complete ramble.
Poor guy, it sound sto me like has given you everything he can and you sound like a spoiled brat.
Prhaps joint counselling/sex therapy then?
If you have everything else you want from this relationship, then it's worth a try isn't it? If he agrees that it is a problem too, then you can both try to work together to fix it.
At least then you will have tried. And if you did end up going your separate ways as least you'd always know you did everything you could.
We don't buy new things to heal the marriage. I just used the examples of buying clothes and stuff as saying that I don't need or want anything. It's only one aspect of my life I am unhappy with.
hoolagirl, yes I spoke to him the other day about things. I think that was the point of my post: are some people happy with all the other stuff and no sex? I just feel weird at 24 saying that I want that. We get on so well and have been through so much with each other and stood by each other. I have just finished a long stretch of therapy and I think that has just made me contemplate life more; I've always been someone to worry what other people think and also to think 'what if...' But I do love him, a lot, and when he cuddles me without having to do anything else, I like it.
I think if you look at the reasons - more than a superficial look - then you will see why you crave this type of relationship and yet also detest it.
Sounds like you have given yourself a mental block about sex and having fun with him.
Maybe you have been through so much together you have forgotten how to lighten up and let your hair down.
Why don't you just drink a bottle of wine and then go for it with him. You might suprise yourself and enjoy it!
Yes, I think I have given myself a mental block on it, because when it actually happens, during it I really enjoy it. It's only leading up to and after that I get these feelings. Thanks for your replies everyone. I do realise why I sounded like a spoilt brat in my first post as it came out as such a long ramble, but I'm really not and spend so much time crying about the situation I am in. If I wanted my cake and to eat it then I'd be away with this married man, but I'm not that sort of person, as I said in my OP, and could not hurt so many other people into the bargain.
God, he's only 33!
Some of the way you talk about him makes him seem elderly!
I actually had to go & re-read OP to see what age he was!
Also... I just want to add, that most of us aren't spoiled/used to "little bits of jewellery or lingerie" This isn't the "norm" for most of us.... why do you want so much more than you already have?
also...does he want sex with you? And you are saying no? Or is he not bothered about sex either? 'Cos I know if I hadn't had sex with my dh from Sept til June he would have plenty to say!!
Actually, I'm not that bothered by him buying me jewellery or anything but it is the whole thing of what other people think. I guess you see these men who do go stupid and buy loads of gifts for their wives and I think 'well maybe he just isn't that into me' or something.
With the sex thing, we didn't have sex from Sept 05 til June 07, and initially he tried and tried, but got nowhere. I just had no interest. The doctor said some of my tablets had a side effect of killing your libido. I stopped taking them a few months ago and then in June we had sex again and then again a few weeks later, and I do feel it is a case of the more you do it the more you want it, maybe.
I think you may be fishing in the right area: I just see the dynamics of other relationships and think that because mine isn't like that there must be something wrong.
We're not really spend-thrifts. When I was at uni, because the money has always been in an investment, we were quite hard-up. But occasionally he will buy me some new clothes if I have asked for some as I need some (weightloss, eternal addiction to changing my appearance). Buying the car and horse trailer was completely out of character for both of us, but his mum just sold one of her fields to the council and some big developer and gave him some money and he decided the horse lorry had seen its day!
He said he switched off from sex as he knew he would get nowhere.
I guess I judge my relationship on other people's because my mum was single for practically all my childhood, and the only example I had of relationships was my wanky dad going from one marriage to the next, to the next...
I'm so confused. Maybe I am imagining I don't fancy him as a reason for the not wanting the sex. I just don't know. Some of the things in my post I have really had to fish far back in my memory for. I try to look at him as he is now and not judge his fanciability on how he was. Maybe I just use 'lack of fanciability' as a reason for having gone off sex for 2 years. We are having it more now though, and as I said: I do enjoy it DURING.
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