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What does this sound like to you?

(18 Posts)
Icantstandtherain Thu 26-Jul-07 14:34:57

DH and I have been going through a rough patch these last few months and I feel utterly miserable with it all.

We have 2 children ages 6 and 3 and am finding it hard to cope at the moment.
They are constantly fighting and playing up and with DH's long hours at work I end up doing everything.

DH comes home and undermines any discipline I try to inforce and says they are just having fun.
Fun it may be for him for the hour or two he is back from work before bedtime but for me it's 13-14 hrs solid.

I try and talk to him and he snaps or ignores me and I end up asking the same thing 3 or 4 times over.

He keeps saying in front of the children"oh no mum is in one of her moods again" and DS repeated this to me the other day when I was trying to calm him down.

He comes in in the evening and plays with the children then normally goes to bed.
After I have done all the bath,dinner etc.

At weekends he ethier plays on the computer and hardly talks to me.

I ring him and he turns his phone off or just does.nt answer it.
Or if he does he says ,yes,what do you want?

I am only ringing to see what time he will be home for dinner!!!

If he is going t be late he never lets me know and if he has having a drink after work when he gets home and I say we have been waiting to eat dinner he just says I got delayed talking to someone in the pub and not to go on at him.
He is just so laid back about it.

8I just sent an e mail to ask if he would be home early tonight for dinner as we had not all eaten together this week as yet and his answer

"what do you want? I am busy and the answer is yes"

I just feel so ignored and upset by it all.

gemmiegoatlegs Thu 26-Jul-07 14:44:28

i am very sorry you are going through this. it sounds like he is totally taking you for granted, and is very disrepectful.

make plans of your own at the weekend, go out, turn off your phone and don't tell him when to expect you home. Go shopping, get your hair/nails done and meet a friend for lunch. A bit of role reversal may do the trick

charliecat Thu 26-Jul-07 14:45:08

Sounds miserable Sounds like hes forgot your the woman he married who hes meant to love and cherish.
Im not sure about withholding dinner till he gets in the door, can you feed kids then have a nice somethign for you two when he does get in? Tell him it would be nice if he could give you a rough hour when he will come in, but dont give him hassle if he doesnt walk in right on time?

HuwEdwards Thu 26-Jul-07 14:53:36

I think that when he comes in the door tonight, you should be ready to leave - go and see a friend, go for a drive, anything. Don't make dinner, make sure kids have not had bath, not in PJs - it won't kill them.

Leave him to it. he sounds utterly selfish.

And you sound burned out by it all.

Tinkerbel5 Thu 26-Jul-07 15:00:48

sounds like he treats you like crap, he should be supporting you with the children not undermining you, if you dont nip it in the bud now your children will learn how to walk over you aswell, I think you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel and that you wont stand for it, he talks to you like crap and you shouldnt have to put up with it

Icantstandtherain Thu 26-Jul-07 15:11:12

I feel totally exhausted most days and as soon as I wake in the morning to the sound of the children arguing yet again I wonder how I will get through the day.

I have no motivation,the housework is a hard slog as the children play up all the time and I can't seem to get anything done.
I just seem to be struggling day by day and end up in tears most days.

The children at this age are very demanding and I can't even got o the toilet without them following me.
It scares me that I can't cope and have all the summer holidays to get through yet.

I keep thinking there is something wrong with me.
My nerves are really bad and jump at the slightest thing.
I have panic attacks and can't sleep and worry when DH takes the children out and am constantly checking the time as I worry something will happen to them.

Everyday is just pure hell sometines,always feeling anxious about the smallest things.

I don't drive and when I do take the children out to the town I worry that they will play up and I won't be able to deal with it.

I think DH has forgotton I am the woman he married as he never refers to me by my first name now I am just "mum"

It wuld be nice to have a meal together on own but most nights the children have been playing up and I just feel exhausted by it all and deflated we don't bother.

Weave no family nearby to help out so we just have to get on with it.

Ikep having this vision in my head of a quiet room somewhere,peace and quiet and just time to think and remember the person I was before the children,I just don't resemble her at all anymore.

I wondred if I might be going through the menopause,i just know something in my head is not right.

Icantstandtherain Thu 26-Jul-07 15:13:29

The children already treat me like a slave and I know that is partly my fault for not being stricter with them.
I do tend to give in a lot just to keep the peace and stop the whinging.
Not good in the long run I know.

NAB3 Thu 26-Jul-07 15:13:55

He is not acting like a husband or a father but more like a single man. I would be tempted to put his dinner in the bin, or not cook at all if he can't be bothered to let you know when he is deighning to come home. As for telling your kids you are having one of your moods, that is a terrible example to be setting for your children and they won't learn to respect you if it carries on. He is an idiot and you deserve better.

NAB3 Thu 26-Jul-07 15:15:42

Start afresh. Tell the kids they are going to take more responsibility and everyone will win as you will have more time to play with them if you aren't being slave. And it will do them no harm to learn how to look after themselves.

Charlie999 Thu 26-Jul-07 15:16:34

I'm so for you - sounds like you are having a rough time.

As well as talking to your DH and being honest with him about how you feel, I think you should see your sounds like you may have some mild depression

Hope you get things sorted

purplepoppet Thu 26-Jul-07 15:25:26

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time

I think you have a couple of issues that need addressing here...

Firstly, you need to find some time to sit down and talk to your dh and find out exactly why he is treating you like this. Do you talk about things that are bothering you both? You both really need to talk and listen to each other about what's upsetting you.

Secondly, it sounds to me like you are suffering from depression. Get an appointment with the doctor...he will most probably prescribe you some AD's. Don't be worried about taking them...they will help clear the fog and help you get back to your old self. You will probably also need to make a few lifestyle changes too. Try and get the kids into a more structured routine of helping you and tidying up after themselves...anything they do to help, will be a real help to you.

I'm not excusing how your dh is treating you whatsoever, but if you're extremely low, he may not know how to handle it. You need to talk to him so that he can understand you and be more supportive. If he sees you're taking actions to sort things out he may well sit up and follow suit.

However, if he doesn't and doesn't support you through this, then that's another story

purplepoppet Thu 26-Jul-07 15:27:48

...also, dh and the children need to stop being so disrespectful to's unfair and its not on..please don't stand for it! Tell them it's not on...they keep doing it because they are being allowed to get away with it. You need to nip this in the bud now.

Be strong! Big hugs x

Icantstandtherain Thu 26-Jul-07 15:46:43

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

I think part of the problem is I have no adult conversation during the day and everything I do is for the children and DH.

The children just demand drinks food etc constantly and ask me to bring it them .

Or if they can't find a certain toy then they will go on and on until I find it and if I cant then the tantrums begin.
My 6 yr old son calls me rubbish,or he does'nt like me anymore,or not to talk or look at him.
He does have some sensory and anxiety issues and has an appointment with a paediatricain .
He is also seeng a SALT for a speech delay so tend to give him a bit of leaway as he has "complex issues" as one pyschologist suggested.
He acts quite young for his age although maybe thsi is just normal 6 yr old behaviour.

Agree that DH's comments don't help the situation.

He lets them do what they want most of the time like making a pirate ship out of the good sofa cushions in the name of fun.
Which is all good and well but when he is at work and I am trying to control them I get "dad lets us do it,it's fun"
This coming from a 3 year old.

the other morning they were up at 5.30 playing up nd I broke down and told DH to stay home,but he had an important meeting that day and just said"get a grip,i have to go to work"

I am scared to go to the doctors,worried that he will say I am not coping and worried what would happen to the children.

Especially as I have to be strong for my DS at the moment.

Meeely2 Thu 26-Jul-07 16:06:59

go to the docs AND get support from DH. My DH was also of the 'get a grip' school, couldn't understand why i found my 2 yo twins hard work, but i took it upon myself to go to docs to see if it was ME as well as my lack of support that was causing the issue. She gave me some pills and advice....I started to take the pills and the improvement was amazing! Made everything clearer, I started sleeping better, i coped with the kids better which in turn made me a more positive person and me and dh got on better cos i wasn't whinging at him to help all the time. This in turn made him WANT to help cos i was discussing my needs more reasonably 'like, we have two kids, we both work, this needs to be 50/50 etc etc'

He now gets up with boys one day at the weekend so that we each get a lie in, and he's up with them in the week anyway. He's always cooked - so if he not home for tea time he don't eat either, so it's an incentive for him! He goes out AFTER boys in bed, if at all and i got out on alternate nights.

You need to take bull by the horns and look after no. 1 (you), if he follows suit then all well and good, if he doesn't then the pills will help you be stronger to sort him out.

Good Luck

bobblehat Thu 26-Jul-07 16:16:23

Hi, 2 young boys are demanding. Don't let anyone tell you different. I have ds 1 who's 5 and ds 2 who's 2 and also a husband who works long hours. Up to about 2 weeks ago I felt much the way that you do. I couldn't cope and just felt overwhelmed by everything - like you I have no family close by. Eventually I had a melt down and finally this prompted me to make an appointment to see a doctor who prescribed some ad's.

And do you know what, they've worked. I can now see the wood for the trees. I can cope now, and I've even started laughing with the kids again.

Totally by conicidence dh had to have a day off work to look after the dc while I was at work and he couldn't believe how tough it was. He has been a lot more thoughtful since as he realises I don't just watch jeremy kyle and go shopping.

My advice would be that you visit your GP and have a chat and also leave your dh in charge for a bit. Oh, and don't worry, I'm sure you're doing a fab job!

Mumpbump Thu 26-Jul-07 16:20:11

I would go away for the weekend and leave him to deal with the children. As someone else said, you sound burnt out and he sounds unappreciative.

Alternately, adopt his parenting style of letting them do whatever they like. When stuff gets broken or they have beaten each other to a pulp and he asks what happened, just say that you were trying to be more like him with his laissez-faire attitude.

I would also tell him that you want him to take you out for a meal. Get a babysitter in early who can do bath-time, etc. and go out for a drink somewhere first and have some proper adult time. Get smashed together and try to remember how it used to be BC - before children...

Mumpbump Thu 26-Jul-07 16:21:23

Oh and I would insist that you have one day at the weekend where you go off and do your own thing, and one day where you look after the children so he can go off and do his own thing.

michie40 Thu 26-Jul-07 19:15:50

Just wanted to say you are not alone feeling like this. I have two dds and my dh is at work from 7am - 8.30pm. Its a long day. We also have no family support nearby. It is sych hard work and yourpost has rung so many bells with my life. So thanks for posting this.

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